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Neil presses his hand against the screen as hard as he can, feeling the heat of his laptop. It's a poor substitute.
"Are you still wearing my sweater?" Todd leans closer to the camera, squinting. He looks for a moment, then sighs, full of worry. "Neil, love, you can't keep on like this. You have to wash it."
Neil winces, hugging the material closer. "I can't. Then it won't feel like yours anymore."
Todd bites his lip. "Have you changed at all?"
Neil shakes his head lightly, chuckling sadly. "I haven't even showered."
"Neil, you can't do this to yourself. Please."
He feels his heart clench at how worried Todd sounds. He hates these calls, hates seeing him and hearing him because it's not the same if he's not THERE. But he's certain if he cut all contact off completely, he would die. So, he ducks his head a bit, soaking in the warmth of the sweater. It still smells like Todd. Just barely, but still. It's there.
"I hate it here, Todd. I hate it. I have to sit down and eat with them, three times a day. This awful, quiet house, and no one says a word." He lets out a quiet sob. "I feel like I'm losing my mind. And- and I don't get this shit they assigned us online, not at all. I'm gonna flunk out of school because of the internet. How ironic is that, right?"
"You're not flunking out," Todd says softly.
"I almost am. And it's so much, I wake up at 7, I don't go to bed until 3 in the morning, if not later, and I... I'm so tired, Todd. I just want to sleep until this whole thing is over."
Todd sighs. "I know. Me too."
Neil shifts in bed, adjusting his earbuds. "How are things over there? How are your parents acting?"
Todd shrugs weakly. "I'd tell you if I knew."
"What do you mean?"
"They haven't talked to me. Not once."
Neil lets out a choked gasp. "Baby, it's been two weeks."
"I know." Todd looks down, hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "I haven't even gone out there."
Neil presses his hand to the screen. "What about food? You go down to eat, right?"
Todd smiles sadly. "I have everything I need stored in my room. Did it the minute I got back. I have food, drink, and there's a bathroom connected to my room, so... I could stay here for weeks."
"Baby..."
"I could-" Todd laughs darkly. "I could die in here. And- and I don't even think they'd notice. With all this shit going on... I could just die, and no one would know, maybe not for months..." He can feel tears streaming down his face, and he has no idea when he'd started crying.
"I'd notice," Neil says firmly. "So would Charlie, and Knox, and Meeks, and Pitts, and Cameron. And the Captain. We all would notice."
"Why'd it have to be during spring break?" Todd asks. "Stupid Jeffrey could've stayed at his stupid college and my stupid parents could've stayed in their stupid house and you and I could've stayed at Welton."
"They never would've let us stay there."
"We could've run away. We could've done something."
"I'm sorry," Neil says.
"Three months into the new decade. Three. Months. And the world's ending."
Neil shakes his head. "The world isn't ending."
"It feels like it. God, I don't think I've gone a day without having an anxiety attack."
"Why don't you call me?"
Todd sobs. "I can't be on a call with you 24/7, Neil."
"I don't mind. I'd stay with you all day if I could."
Todd smiles a bit at that.
"It's not even the virus that's scaring me," Neil confesses. "It's the isolation. And I know, I'm being selfish, people are dying. But I can't help it. At this point, I wish this thing would hurry up and kill me."
"Love, you can't say things like that..."
Neil shudders, scratching at his arms in an attempt to ground himself. "It's true. When is this supposed to end? I can't do this another month, Todd, I can't. I'd rather die."
"You can't, Neil. Please."
Neil looks down.
"Please promise me you'll hold on?"
"You know I can't promise you that."
Todd makes a low sound that the monitor doesn't quite pick up, sounding somewhere between a whimper and a sigh. "I know. Just... Promise you'll try?"
"I promise."
"Love, you're shaking."
Neil knows. He's tired. He's so, so tired.
Almost as if he's read his mind, Todd says, "You need to sleep."
"I've been trying. I can't make my brain shut off. Not without you."
Todd tilts his screen so he's closer, biting his lip. "Can I say something stupid? Like, really stupid?"
"Yeah. Course."
"I can't remember what being hugged feels like."
Neil laughs loudly, so loudly that Todd expects Neil's father to come storming in to yell at him. He doesn't, thankfully.
Todd flushes. "I said it was stupid."
Neil's eyes widen. "No. No, no, no, I'm not laughing at you. It's just... God... Same."
"Oh..."
"It's like..." Neil closes his eyes a moment, thinking. "It's like I've never been touched before, never in my life. And I'm waiting, trying to see if I can remember how it feels, but..."
"But the feeling just won't come back to you?"
"Yeah. That."
Todd hugs the computer close. Neil can't see a single part of Todd's room, only his face. That's all he wants to see anyway.
"It was just supposed to be a week," Neil says, voice heavy.
"We were just supposed to deal with our shitty parents for a week."
"We were just supposed to deal without each other for a week."
Todd's voice breaks. "Neil, I miss you really bad."
Neil winces. "I know. But you know what?"
"What?"
"When I see you again, I'm gonna buy you the nicest roll of toilet paper I can find."
Todd laughs, voice still thick with tears. "Only if you promise you're gonna try to shower tomorrow, okay?"
Neil offers him a shaky smile. "I'll try."
"Okay."
"Okay."
They sit there a moment, tears streaming down both of their faces. Most of their calls have ended like this, with silent crying and trembling. They're falling apart, they know. But they don't know how to stop.
"I don't want to hang up." Todd says.
"Me neither."
They stare at each other. Neil lifts a hand to the screen. Todd follows. Their hands are touching, in a way. But if they close their eyes a moment, both of them can almost pretend it's the real thing.
"I'll call you tomorrow," Neil promises.
"I know." Todd looks at him, desperation heavy in his eyes. "I love you."
"I love you too."
The screen goes black. A message tells him the call has ended. Neil shuts the laptop, lies back, and waits for the world to be okay again.