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Slowly, Todd pushes the pocket knife to his wrist. His hands are shaking. Distantly, he realizes he's going to get blood on the book.
After only two weeks out, it's a New York Times bestseller. Everyone's talking about it. Wondering what the next poetry anthology of the great Todd Anderson will contain.
Meeks had called to congratulate him just yesterday. Asked how it feels to be an artist.
It feels like nothing but emptiness and guilt. It feels like something that should be experienced by Neil, and not by him.
Dr. Alton said writing would help his grief. It's none nothing. And now that he knows this, he finds himself thinking there's nothing left to stick around for.
All the greats kill themselves anyway, right? A permanent membership to the Dead Poets Society.
He slides the blades again and again and prays he never wakes up.
To his knowledge, he doesn't.
But he does.
And so does Neil.
And Neil is aware of this.
In fact, when Neil first runs into him, he's certain he's gone mad. Certain that his father's jabs were right- to be an actor, you have to have lost your mind. Neil knows his mind is lost- has known since time began. But he didn't realize he was this far gone. He thought he was much, much saner.
He eyes him carefully. It IS him, he's sure of it. His hair is longer, darker, and his eyes are brighter, though still sad. Neil listens to the boy talking to him, hears him call his name: Jacob Norburg. A different name, but then, Neil doesn't exactly go by Neil anymore.
He goes by Mitchell. Mitchell lives with a single mom, in a two-bedroom apartment, with a cat named Sterling. Mitchell's mother is sweet, encourages her son no matter what, and doesn't understand why her son flinches when she says she's proud of him.
He doesn't know how to explain to her what's happened to him, because he's still not sure himself. All he knows is that as soon as he was able to think, he remembered being Neil Perry. His mother was, understandably, worried. Most 6-years-old don't get diagnosed with depression. Most 7-year-olds don't dig knives into their chest. Most 8-years-olds don't forget their name when asked. Neil learns of the concept of reincarnation, but he can't seem to find many others that remember a past life.
He doesn't make many friends, growing up. He's a weird kid. He's smarter than he should be, and sadder too. Luckily, in middle school, a girl named Nancy is also weird. Neil swears there's something familiar about her, but he can't place it until he gets Nancy into Shakespeare, and she connects to Hermia the way he's connected to Puck. Neil's thrilled- he's found Ginny.
One day, he gets brave enough to explain his theory to her- and Nancy-Ginny is just weird enough to believe him.
"So, you were a person before. I've heard weirder."
"We knew each other in our last lives," Neil says. "I'm sure of it."
"Isn't that like- statistically unlikely?"
"I read that sometimes, the universe puts the same people together, over and over again, if they need to be together."
She laughs. "Yeah, people like George Washington and Martha Washington. Or Meriweather Lewis and William Clark. Or Beethoven's parents. People that changed the world."
Neil flashes her a grin. "Well, who knows. Maybe we changed the world."
"Sure, Neil."
She's the only one Neil's told his real name to. Neil thinks he'd have died if it weren't for her. Ginny just understands him. That's why when Neil sees him, Ginny's immediately alert.
"Neil? Are you okay?"
Neil runs.
He runs, and runs, and he thinks he could've run forever, if it weren't for Ginny grabbing at his sleeve.
"Neil! What the fuck?!"
He looks up at her, tragedy in his heart, and whispers, "I know him."
Her face softens. "Who?"
"Jacob Norburg. He's... I think it's Todd."
Ginny sits back. "Your roommate?"
He nods.
"What are you going to do?"
Neil closes his eyes. "I don't know."
It's only the first day of freshman year, he tells himself. He has plenty of time to talk to him. And finally, after three months of staring, three months of texting Ginny late at night, three months of pysching himself up- he finds him in the cafeteria.
"Hey. Jacob, right?"
Todd looks up at him, confused. "Uh, yeah. Sorry, but I don't..."
"Oh! Uh. M-Mitchell. Mitchell Gardner."
Todd nods slowly.
"I just- I think we have 3rd period together. Don't we?"
He looks away, uncomfortable. "I don't think so."
"Oh. I thought..." Neil gulps. It's going terribly. "I must uh- Must be thinking of someone else. Catch you later?"
Todd doesn't reply.
Neil stumbles away, cursing himself for being such an idiot.
"Hey! You!"
Neil turns, and gasps quietly. Charlie. It's Charlie.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Neil flinches. "I'm... I don't..."
"You're the fucker that's been stalking my friend, are you not? It's not funny, man."
"I wasn't trying to-"
"You think he doesn't notice your ass staring at him? I have to walk him to classes, cause he's terrified you're gonna jump him or something. I go to piss, and I find out you came up to him?"
"I'm really sorry..."
Charlie's fuming. "I don't know if this is some love-obsession, or if you just think it's funny to pick on the kid with anxiety, but that's my friend, so you need to leave him the hell alone, or I will fucking destroy you. You got that?"
Neil nods, speechless.
"Good." He stalks off, scowling at him.
He does as asked. It's not easy, but it's familiar. Loneliness is an old friend of Neil's, after all. He stays away from Todd, doesn't even look at him, or Charlie. It feels like moths are slowly eating away at his skin, but it's fine. He's fine.
Miraculously, Ginny is sympathetic. She keeps Neil up to date with any gossip she can. It's only ever scraps- "I heard his English essay was so good the teacher read it in front of the whole class-" but Neil's grateful nonetheless. And it's nice to hear that even in another life, Todd Anderson knows how to write.
That's what most of the news seems to be centered around- He wrote this, he wrote that. Months later, towards the end of the year, Ginny breathlessly informs him that Todd's going to be performing at the school library's slam poetry night. Neil smiles wide, so happy for him and so, so sad he can't see it.
"Well, why can't you?"
"He wants me to leave him alone. I have to respect that."
"The whole school's going, Neil. You can watch. Just... Don't go up and talk to him afterwards."
Hesitantly, he agrees. And he's so glad he did.
Todd's presence is electric. He's terrified, obviously so, and all Neil wants to do is whisper it's okay, but instead, he waits. After a moment, Todd collects himself. And when he introduces the poem, every trace of nervousness just... disappears.
"This is my piece, titled, The Actor In My Dreams."
Neil's breath catches. Ginny turns to him, face full of worry, but Neil just listens. It's about him. Todd describes him in such vivid detail that it couldn't be anyone else. The more he goes on, the more certain Neil becomes: some part of Todd remembers. Not enough to really recognize anything, but still. It's something.
When Todd finishes, he's one of the first to clap. Not the first- he can't be- but close behind. Todd grins, full of pride, and for a moment, Neil grins too. Then, Todd's face falls, transforming into confusion, and then, horror. Neil swears he recognizes the face, but he can't place it.
Then, everyone is leaving. He can see Todd's panic grow as a group of 3 comes towards him. At first, Neil's confused.
"Mom, Dad, come on," A guy who looks a few years older than Todd steps closer. "You're being too hard on him."
The man scowls. "Stay out of this, son." Neil's heart clenches. "What were you thinking, Jacob?"
"I..." Todd lifts his chin, eyes hard. "I didn't think you'd even remember."
The woman- his mother, surely- lets out a small, distraught sound. Todd ignores her.
"You see what you're doing to your mother?"
"Jesus, Dad," The brother sighs.
"Was that all this was, then? A stunt to get our attention? Because you've got it now, Jacob. Are you happy?"
Todd practically growls. "You honestly think I give a shit? I stopped expecting you to pay attention to me YEARS ago! It figures, the one thing I ACTUALLY give a shit about is the thing you notice!"
"You watch your mouth." Todd scoffs, but his father isn't done. "I can't believe this. Your brother would never-"
"I don't fucking-"
"Jacob!"
"Dad-"
"I'm so sorry," Todd seethes. "I'm so sorry I'm not Andy! I'm sorry I've never been as good as him at anything!" Hot tears spring from his eyes, fists shaking. "But I finally found something I'm good at. Why can't I have that?"
"I'm not going to have you writing that filth under our name, Jacob."
His mother stands. "Jakey, it's alright. I'm sorry, I- we- we didn't realize we were neglecting you... But it's okay now. We know. You don't have to do... All this."
Todd looks like he's about to throw something. "It's not. About. You."
Andy comes up behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Jacob," He mutters, "Just drop it, man."
"No, I'm not dropping it. This wasn't some ploy to be noticed. This is me, speaking my truth, for once in my life."
"Don't be ridiculous, Jacob. You're not gay..." His mother says.
Todd holds her gaze, not needing to say a word.
"We're going home," His father snaps.
"I'm not a child."
"We're GOING, Jacob. And this is your last night in our house."
Todd freezes. "What?"
"You can find your own place to live over the summer, and buy your own food, and your own way to pay for whatever liberal trash college you go to. You better pray you find a job fast. Or maybe your little 'boyfriend' is rich."
"Dad-"
"Let's go."
Slowly, he manages to make himself walk. Pausing in the doorway, he turns back. "Five ninety-eight, right?"
No one answers him. Andy hesitantly offers him a sympathetic look. Neil can tell it's not enough.
They keep walking, and as they leave the school building, he realizes why Todd's face was so familiar. It was exactly how Neil looked when he saw his father in the audience of Midsummer.
"Neil? Neil? ...Mitchell?"
Neil shakes his head. "Sorry. What?"
Ginny frowns. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"I'm fine, Ginny."
She looks hesitant, but nods. "I'll drive you home?"
And she does. Neil forces a smile, thanks her for the ride, and goes inside. His mother is instantly alert.
"Baby? What's wrong?"
He swallows, pushing past her.
"Mitchell? Please talk to me. Is it bad again."
"Mom, I'm..."
"Did you take your pills last night?"
"Yes," He lies, even though he never takes them. He's terrified they'll make him forget. Neil doesn't want to forget.
His mother frowns, voice heavy with worry. "Maybe you should get some sleep, sweetheart. You'll feel better in the morning."
"Right. Yeah."
He goes to bed, determined to sleep at least 72 hours. Instead, he's woken up at a ripe 7:30 AM.
"Ginny? What the hell?"
"I wanted to be the one who tells you."
Neil sits up, trying to wake up fully. "Tell me what?"
Silence on the other line.
"Ginny? Ginny, come on. Don't leave me hanging here. Please."
"It's... Oh, fuck."
His grip around the phone tightens.
"It's Jacob... Or, Todd."
"What about him?"
Ginny sighs heavily. "He... He's dead."
Time.
Comes.
To.
A.
Stop.
Neil whispers, "What?"
"They found him this morning. He... He killed himself. Slit his wrists."
He can't breathe.
He.
Can't.
Breathe.
"Neil?"
Fuck.
F
U
C
K
"Neil, please say something."
He's
d e
A
D
It's all
Hap
Pening
All
Over agai
N
"Neil. I'm going to call your mother. Or- Or the cops."
Why
Did it
Ha
Ppen a
Gain
Again
Again
Again
Agai
"Mitchell. Please."
He doesn't know what happens, exactly. Someone reaches for the sock full of pills they've been hiding instead of taking, someone pours each one into their hand, someone chokes them all down, someone does that, but it can't be him, because he
Isn't
Rea
L
He starts feeling woozy, and he can here GinnyNancyGinny yelling, and he can hear his mothersomewomanmother yelling, and he can hear someone else yelling, though he doesn't know who it is. Everything goes white for a few moments, and then he's back.
But he's not Neil. And he's not Mitchell.
Eventually, he learns he's Alexander.
This new version of himself doesn't make any friends for a long time. His dads are always encouraging him to get out there and meet new people, but with little success. He does... Fine, on his own. He gets into a nice college, nothing fancy, but still, and attempts to find a job on campus. That's when it starts coming together.
Neil decides to try working at the coffee shop, and is interviewed by Jamal, a junior who's the flanker for the rugby team, and a spotter for the football cheerleading team. He's also in jazz band (trombone), choir (tenor), and a member of several clubs, including one he started: Matchmaker's Society.
Neil talks to him about five minutes before realizing it's Knox.
"You got it, Alex!"
Neil can't help but smile a bit. "Alexander's fine. And really?"
"Oh, sure! I mean, technically I have to check with my boss, but we haven't had anyone else apply, so I'm pretty sure you got it." Jamal-Knox turns to his left and, at the top of his lungs, screams, "MRS. JOANNA!"
An older-looking women comes out. "Yes?"
"This is Alex! He wants the counter job." He turns to Neil. "This is Mrs. Joanna. She teaches AP Lit."
She offers a hand, and Neil grins wide when he shakes it.
"Nice to meet you. You're the captain here, then?"
She chuckles and turns to Knox. "That's just what this one calls me, actually."
Knox salutes cheekily. "Oh captain, my captain!"
Neil smiles, and Mrs. Joanna tosses him an apron. "Alright. Jamal can show you the ropes and we'll see how you do, okay?"
Turns out, he does pretty damn well. After a week of working, he's fine to take orders himself. He's... Well, he can't say he's happy, exactly. Maybe content is the word?
Maybe not.
He's living. That's an improvement, he supposes.
Maybe he could tell Knox. He seems fairly trusting, at least. Or at least, he seems like he could roll with it.
"Excuse me?"
Neil's head jerks up. "I'm so sorry, I guess I zoned out. Uh, what can I get for you?"
"Can I get a black coffee?"
He raises a brow as he jots it down. "That's it?"
"Uh huh."
"Really?"
The student's head tilts down. "...Yes."
He shrugs. "Okay. One black coffee coming up. Can I get a name for the order?"
"Walt."
Neil looks up and freezes.
The student raises his chin, almost challenging. "Yes?"
"... That'll be $4.90."
Neil is in a daze as Knox fills the order, staring as he leaves. This is his chance. He can protect Todd this time. He's sure he can.
"Alex? You good?"
"Yeah."
He's not. This kid comes back every single day, orders the same black coffee, and that's it. Neil doesn't see him anywhere else on campus. No idea how to get close to him, and terrified to scare him off.
Before he knows it, exams have crept up on all of them, and he fails, of course. He didn't exactly devote his time to studying.
Todd fails too. However, Neil doesn't find out over a coffee order, like he would have hoped. He finds out when they carry a cold body outside one of the dorm buildings.
His roommate found him hanging.
Literally.
What was Todd's life like this time?
Surely he wouldn't care that much about grades.
As Neil dies, he's seized by the horrible thought that their parents might end up in the same life as them, too.
The next cycle, he lives until the ripe old age of 95. He dies alone.
It's not fair.
He never got to meet any of them that time.
He wakes again, and meets Charlie in kindergarten. Charlie runs up to his parents at the end of the school day and points at Neil with a grin.
"That's my new best friend!"
He sounds just like the real, original Charlie. He can't take it.
Neil doesn't even make it home that day. He runs in front of the school bus, too short for them to see him in time. Right as it comes barreling towards him, he realizes this will scar his 'new best friend' for life.
Is Todd the only one he has to look out for?
He drives himself mad over the next 17 times, trying to find everyone he can. He eventually comes to terms with the fact that Todd is the one he gets put with most often, and the one that usually ends up dead, and that means he needs to prioritize. It breaks his heart.
The next time he wakes up, he's determined. He becomes Todd's friend early on. And he waits for something to happen. Anything even the slightest bit dangerous. Nothing will happen.
He doesn't understand. Something always happens. Something has to happen.
Todd has an abusive ex. Neil waits for him to come back and do something. Waits for him to push Todd to do something.
They end up renting an apartment together. Neil doesn't leave Todd's side. He stays up all night, checking and rechecking locks on the door. This will be it. He's certain. He doesn't eat. He doesn't sleep. He doesn't care. He will protect Todd this time. He has to.
In the middle of pacing back and forth, he hears a sound behind him and his heart drops. This is it. Todd. He can't let this guy get to Todd.
He whips around, a knife hidden in his hand, and buries it into Todd's chest.
He's not quite sure what happens after that.
Finding Todd is no longer a joyous occasion. It's a slap in the face. Whatever deity is pulling the strings here must hate him.
He wakes. Pitts ends up trying to talk to him at a gas station and Neil shoves him and RUNS.
Stop it.
He needs them to stop.
He doesn't want to remember anymore.
He wakes. He grabs Cameron- he goes by Li here, but Neil is too tired to care- he grabs his shoulders and frantically explains everything. Cameron will understand- Cameron was always smart, Cameron won't bullshit him- tells him what's happened, tells him what he has to DO.
He gently pushes him back. "Hey, buddy, just calm down, yeah? Is there someone I can call for you? Someone that can come and pick you up?"
He doesn't understand.
No one UNDERSTANDS.
He wakes. He cups Todd's cheek, and kisses him, and Todd pulls away. "You look tired, baby. Let's sleep."
"Just a little longer."
He smiles, so gently and lovingly. "Okay."
Neil doesn't know how much longer they have.
He gets his answer the next week.
He wakes. Chris talks him down from a roof. She does a good job. She's not there the next day.
He wakes. He finds his father. He gets arrested for assault. The man walks away with a black eye. He deserved much worse.
He wakes. His mother finds him in a street corner and takes him to a shelter. He can't bring himself to ask for her name. He doesn't care anymore.
It doesn't matter.
He wakes.
He finds them all.
They run a bookshop that specializes in poetry.
Todd kisses his cheek before going to help a customer.
Charlie ruffles his hair as he shelves another book.
Ginny grins at him between chatting with Meeks.
Keating comes in with the next shipment.
Knox and Cameron argue over the true meaning of The Bell Jar.
Pitts asks Chris to help at the register.
They call him Elijah.
He wonders what will go wrong this time.
He wonders if it's best to end it all before he even has to find out.
He wonders.