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Lan Wangji imagines that it would be easier, somehow, to have Wei Ying’s regard for a moment - just that one time, and then be forever parted - than this agony of him darting just out of reach all the time. He thinks of kissing those lips, finally, and stunning that beautiful boy into silence. How would it be received? Would Wei Ying be disgusted and push him away, forever looking at him as the one who stole his first kiss? Would he be kind and let him down gently, promising they would always be friends, but flinching ever time Lan Wangji comes too close?
He thinks about it all the time, about being brave and doing things with the reckless abandon that Wei Ying always seems to have. And therein lies the problem, doesn’t it? If Wei Ying had any kind of feelings for him, would he not throw himself at Lan Wangji, no matter the consequences? Is that not part of what he loves about Wei Ying? But there’s another truth and he knows that one better than most, because Wei Ying isn’t always just sunshine and bravery. For all his beautiful smiles hide a soft heart, bruised by a life of loss and neglect. He never complains about it, always makes sure that people know how grateful he is for the kindness the Jiangs have shown him.
Wei Ying throws a soggy fry at his head. “Hey, Lan Zhan, where are you? I’ve been talking to you for ten minutes and all you’ve said is ‘hm’ like five times.”
Lan Wangji meets Wei Ying’s eyes. He’s smiling, but there’s something small and vulnerable hiding underneath. Like he’s afraid of something. Lan Wangji has no idea what it could be. “I’m sorry,” Lan Wangji murmurs, looking away from the sun. “I’ve been distracted.”
Wei Ying laughs, as clear and bright as a wind chime in spring. “Ah, Lan Zhan! What’s on your mind? Won’t you share with your very best friend?”
Lan Wangji has no idea what to say. Wei Ying is throwing an arm around his shoulder and pulling him close, boisterous and so very tempting. All Lan Wangji has to do is just… turn his head. It would be so easy.
“Is it a girl? You can tell me, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Wangji sometimes can’t believe that Wei Ying doesn’t know. He has to know. But then there are moments like this when it’s so very obvious that Wei Ying has no idea. They’re supposed to be best friends, have been since that fight in their first year of college, in which Lan Wangji ended up spilling a very expensive bottle of Whiskey. The look on Wei Ying’s face had made Lan Wangji fall in love instantly. He’s been trying to find the right words to say it ever since.
“No,” he manages, trying to press out the words even though they jumble up on his tongue. “It’s you.” His heart stops. He’s actually… just. Said it. He’s said the thing. It can’t be taken back. It’s out there now, no more excuses.
Wei Ying blinks at him. A frown starts to form between his brows and Lan Wangji wants to do nothing more than smooth it out with his thumb, kiss the lines away. Wei Ying narrows his eyes, suspicious. “What? What did I do? I promise whatever it was, I didn’t mean it! I’m always joking around, aren’t I? Please, whatever it was, I didn’t-”
Lan Wangji does something unforgivable. He puts both of his hands on Wei Ying’s face and keeps him steady as he surges forward and kisses him. Just this once. This is the only time he’s going to do this, but he needs Wei Ying to understand. It will ruin what they have, but perhaps what comes next will at least be honest. All cards on the table. No more lies of omission. It’s terrifying and a relief.
The kiss is… sweet, soft, surprisingly gentle as Wei Ying’s lips move to follow his lead. Wei Ying is making this small, soft noise that Lan Wangji has never heard before. He can’t bear to pull away, but he has to see Wei Ying’s eyes. He has to face what he’s done.
Wei Ying follows him, grasps at Lan Wangji and refuses to let him go. “What… uh, where do you think you’re going?” Wei Ying is speaking between tiny pecks pressed to Lan Wangji’s lips, the corner of his mouth, his cheek. He’s whispering in his ear. “That was, uh. That was real, right? I’m not imagining this?”
Lan Wangji is perfectly aware that they’re in the cafeteria of their university, lazy curiosity aimed at them from all sides. They’re not a spectacle, but people everywhere are taking note. He thinks he can hear a few whistles, a small cheer before people turn back to their own meals. He doesn’t care. He nods, holding Wei Ying tighter. Somehow Wei Ying has moved to sit in his lap, their chests pressed together. If they’re not careful, this will become a spectacle.
“It’s real,” Lan Wangji says. He wants to say I love you, but that’s still a little too much, a little too hard.
Wei Ying pulls back enough to look at him and there’s something so vulnerable about him. “Tell me it’s not just some weird on time thing, okay? I don’t think my heart could take it.”
Lan Wangji swallows his fear. “Not just once.” He catches Wei Ying’s lips again, murmurs his love into the kiss. “I want to be yours forever.”
Wei Ying yelps and the blush on his face extends down his neck to his delicate collar bones. Lan Wangji wants to bite them. Wei Ying buries his head in the crook of Lan Wangji’s neck, so close that Lan Wangji can feel every breath like a brand. “God, you’re going to kill me, talking like that.”
Lan Wangji just holds on.