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It’s hot. Sweltering even. Peter is barely aware of the back of his thighs burning against the rooftop below him. He looks out across Queens, the heat of the day exhausting him. He is slouched forward, his mask in his right hand as he tries to keep his eyes open. Strange how the heat seems to melt ones brain just as it melts the tar on the streets below.
Tar. Peters brain has felt like tar recently. Slow and sticky.
*****
“Hey Peter!” May calls from the kitchen as he climbs through his bedroom window. He’s not sure how she knew he was home. The window was already open in a poor attempt to keep the air flowing in their small apartment. The landlord is sending someone to fix the AC tomorrow.
Peter says hello and shares a pleasant dinner with May. He engages in conversation about her work and what he’s been up to during the last few days of school.
“I thought you had your Stark internship today?” She asks.
“It ended Tuesday.” Peter states blandly.
“Oh.”
Sure, the Stark Internship started off as a cover up for Spiderman, but Mr. Stark had offered him a place in his actual internship program as well. Just helping Tony around the lab - mostly taking notes and running messages around the compound. But, as it was an actual internship, it ended at the end of the school year.
Peter remembers his last day clearly:
“Hey Mr. Stark!” Peter called as he entered the lab, “what are we working on today?”
“Just finishing things up for the semester, kid”
The other interns were running through the hallways when he came in, looking like a bunch of headless chickens.
“Take these to Pepper, would you?” Mr. Stark asked as he held out a stack of note cards. Peter took them happily. He tried not to read what he was given, but today he glanced down at the stack. Just a bunch of grocery items. Surely Mr. Stark could have asked FRIDAY to order them. Peter began to wonder if Mr. Stark needed interns at all. Maybe it was just a courtesy to the high schoolers. “Tony Stark’s personal assistant” probably looks fantastic on a resume.
When Peter returned, Mr. Stark was trying to fix a finger on one of the Iron Man suits. Peter offered advice and Mr. Stark gladly took it. They worked well together like that. Peter always so attentive and involved in what Tony was doing, and Tony trusting that Peter has a clearer head than he most days.
At the end of the evening, Tony sent off the interns with a signed piece of paper to prove they actually did this thing. He held Peter back before he could get out the front door.
“Hey, kid, thanks for your help on the suit earlier. Come by if you need help with yours or something.”
“I will, Mr. stark, thanks!”
Mr. stark smiled, “Keep in touch, Pete”
Then Peter walked out of the SI building and went home.
It was 2 days ago. Yet Peter is feeling more empty than ever.
Peter made good friends with some of those interns. Not well enough to keep in touch, but they were still friends. MJ and Ned were off to college already, having not been...blipped. Peter misses them so much it aches. But he won’t reach out. They’re probably stressed and overwhelmed anyway. Plus, they haven’t texted him so....
So, without Ned, MJ, the other interns, or Mr. Stark, Peter is feeling...down.
He tries hard to do well at school, but he’s having trouble concentrating. He finds himself constantly thinking about what he’s supposed to do next. The thought of making a future for himself, keeping up with Spider-Man, being supportive to May, and the sweltering heat are making his brain incredibly slow. Like it’s overheating from working too hard.
*****
The school year ends. Peter graduates. May is so proud. She cries and Peter rolls his eyes good natured-ly. He isn’t particularly proud of himself. Everyone is expected to graduate from Midtown. If you don’t, it’s because of a family emergency or something, not poor performance.
Peter gets a job at Delmar's. He isn’t fond of it. Making sandwiches and arguing over the price with people isn’t his cup of tea. He gets bored quickly. And the heat. The heat of the deep fryer, the gust of hot air every time the door opens. It’s exhausting.
May starts to notice that Peter is feeling down. She introduces him to one of her coworkers, who is retiring and needs help keeping up with her house. He quits working for Mr. Delmar and hangs out with Mrs. Friar every day instead. It’s boring. They sit and watch reruns of The Golden Girls for hours on end.
Peter is of course pleasant and cheerful to Mrs. Friar. She complements him all the time. He grows very close to her. He likes her company when she’s awake. She tells wonderful stories about her time working as an EMT that Peter isn’t sure are 100% accurate. But he listens nonetheless.
Peter likes Mrs. Friar a lot. He’s happy to have someone to listen to, to be able to talk to, even if she doesn’t understand the ways of the “generation z”. Even if the job is so boring he wants to pull his hair out.
Peter gets a call one Friday night. He has just gotten home from patrol after working at Mrs. Friar’s. A police man is on the line.
“I’m sorry to inform you that Mrs. Friar was found dead in a field outside of the city this morning. It was suicide. She had a gun.”
Peter sits in shock. Mrs. Friar? Suicide? She was so pleasant and smiley. She always talked to everyone. Even the Doordash delivery boys. Peter is confused.
May takes him to the funeral. The casket is closed. He doesn’t cry. He won’t. He wants to let her real family cry and mourn. He wants to give them the space to do that.
Peter goes home and locks his door. May doesn’t check on him, thank heavens. He stares at his hands. Suddenly he misses Ned. And MJ. And the interns. And God does he miss Mr. Stark.
*****
Weeks go by. The heat gets worse. He stops patrolling. He doesn’t find a new job. He’s content sitting at home. Scrolling on his phone for hours and hours. He doesn’t want to leave the cool comfort of his apartment.
He’s to drift. He feels so alone and so helpless. Suddenly he doesn’t care about the people of New York. Why would he save them if no one was saving him? How could he muster the energy to even go outside?
May comes home that night and finds him staring. Staring at the TV. She asks if he’s okay. He breaks.
He clings onto May with restraint. Desperately trying not to hurt her while desperately trying to get the comfort he needs. Sobs rip apart his throat. May is silent. She scratches his head and rubs his back. He falls asleep.
*****
In the morning May suggests grief counseling. Peter agrees.
Peter sees his counselor, Dr. King, once a week. Dr. King listens and empathizes well. He listens to Peter pour out what he is feeling. What he is thinking. Dr. King recommends medicine.
Peter takes medicine for depression and anxiety daily. He’s positive that it will be for a short while, until he gets over his losses.
Everyone loses people in their lives, Peter thinks, I should be strong like them.
Weeks go by. Peter doesn’t feel better. Dr. King switches his medicine. Then he ups the dose. Then he switches it again.
The dose changes and modifications twist Peters stomach. He’s nauseous. He’s dizzy. He doesn’t tell May. She would just tell him that these things take time.
*****
Fall comes. The heat still doesn’t let up. Dr. King tells Peter it’s okay if he isn’t ready to go to school yet. May tells him the opposite. May says it would be good for him to be in school. Part of Peter agrees. The tiny part of his brain that isn’t being smothered in hot tar.
Peter doesn’t go to school. He starts online classes though. A compromise that May is okay with.
Peter hates school. The online instructions are so unclear. His classmates don’t use proper grammar in the discussion boards. Peter doesn’t understand how to even submit his assignments. He wants to give up. He wants to drop out. But money is tight. He can’t waste the money on these classes without at least getting credit for them.
*****
Peter finds a dog. He finds him walking around the city one night. He’s missing Ned, and MJ, and Mr. Stark. So he goes out to clear his head. The dog is scruffy and gross and eating a moldy sandwich out of a dumpster.
Peter feels something akin to empathy that he hasn’t felt in months. He takes the dog home.
He bathes him and brushes him and names him Sandwich.
He sleeps with him and lets him lick his face and bite his hands.
May lets him keep Sandwich purely because that dumb dog makes Peter smile.
Peter is doing better. He takes Sandwich out for walks, and to obedience school, because God is he a dumb dog. Peter feels proud that he’s needed. He wants to text Mr. Stark and show him his dog, but what a strange thing to bother him with. Tony said to stop by if he needs help with his suit, not if he wants to show off his pet. And Peter doesn’t patrol anymore so he doesn’t break his suit. So Peter doesn’t text Mr. Stark.
*****
Peter stops seeing his counselor. He still takes his medicine, because he doesn’t want to experience the side effects of stopping it. He continues taking his online classes. For Sandwich.
Peter goes to a wedding. Ned’s mom’s sister’s friend is getting married. So Ned brings Peter to escape the absolutely boring and proper monstrosity he would have to endure. It’s a long drive. Ned asks Peter what’s new. Peter says he got a dog. Peter says he had a friend that committed suicide. Peter says he’s taking medicine and was seeing a counselor. Peter says he misses Ned. Peter doesn’t mean to say all of that.
Ned says he is sorry. He’s sorry for all that Peter went through. He’s sorry that he didn’t keep in touch. He’s sorry he’s so far away.
Peter feels bad for making Ned feel sorry. He doesn’t tell Ned about the nights that he lays awake with tears streaming down his face because he misses Ned. God he misses Ned, and the interns, and Mr. Stark. After all, Peter is feeling better now. He’s fine and can handle it himself. Well, himself and Sandwich.
*****
He comes home from the wedding and May is cooking. That’s okay, he had a pretty good day, so some burnt pork won’t bring him down.
May tosses a piece of pork to Sandwich. Sandwich catches it but doesn’t chew.
The pork sticks in his throat.
Sandwich is gagging and gagging. May tries to calm Sandwich down so he can cough up the pork. He doesn’t calm down. The pork sticks. Sticks like tar.
“He’s choking!” Peter says. It’s obvious.
“We can take him to the vet,” says May.
The vet is expensive: he’s going to die - Peter thinks at the same time.
Peter and May get in the car. May drives fast, the vet is only 5 minutes away but the damn traffic. It’s rush hour.
Peter holds Sandwich. He’s wheezing, no longer gagging. Peter pets his head. Sandwich’s tongue hangs out- it’s purple. His gums are pale. The pork is stuck.
Sandwich stills. He stops breathing. His eyes go glassy. Peter knows he’s gone. But he doesn’t tell May. Maybe there’s still hope.
They rush into the vet. Peter carries Sandwich. He’s impossibly limp. He feels like pasta.
The vet pulls the pork out. The vet does CPR and administers a lot of epinephrine. Sandwich doesn’t stir.
The vet says he’s sorry. May sobs once. Peter stares.
They drive home without a dog.
*****
Peter is mad. He’s not mad at May. She didn’t mean to. He’s mad at the world. The universe. It keeps taking from him. Taking and taking and never giving back. His parents, Ben, Ned, MJ, the interns, Mrs. Friar, Sandwich, Mr. Stark. He chokes on mucus. He’s crying. He’s thinking about how scared Sandwich must have been. Been. Not is. He’s gone. He’s thinking about Mrs. Friar. Why did she do it? He’s thinking about how much pain she must’ve been in for it to come to that.
His head is throbbing. His nose is clogged. He stuffs his face into his pillow and cries himself to sleep.
The next day he drops his classes.
*****
“You have to do something, Peter.”
“No.”
“Peter, it’s not good for you to sit around. You have to get a job or go to school. It’s just the way of the world. Life will go on. Everyone has to work or go to school.”
Peter gets a job at an animal shelter. Maybe he can help more dogs like Sandwich.
The first day of work Peter is so anxious that he can’t get out of bed. 45 minutes before he needs to be at work, he decides to get up and try to explain to May what he’s feeling.
She is angry with him.
“You can’t sit around and do nothing. It’s not good for you. You need to do SOMETHING.”
“I can’t. I can’t, I-“
“Can’t what, Peter?”
“I can’t do anything right! I can’t handle school! I can’t handle Spiderman! I can’t go to this job today!”
“You’re just a spoiled brat who can’t handle hard work!”
“I’m not! I’m- I’m so scared! I feel so alone!”
He is sobbing now.
“What? You would rather rot in your room and die than go to work today?!”
“Yes!” He means it.
Mays eyes go wide. It’s silent for a beat.
“If you’re suicidal, get in the car right now and I’ll take you to the Ridge. Get up, let’s go.”
Peter tries to explain that just because he wants to die doesn’t mean he’s going to kill himself. But she won’t listen. She’s going to send him away. She’s going to get rid of him, she’s going to send him somewhere where they will give him more medicine.
Peter musters the strength to go to work, mostly out of fear of getting sent away.
Peters job is miserable. The dogs are sick and dirty. The kennels are disgusting. The smell makes him nauseous.
He quits 2 weeks later.
He wants to die. He wants to die.
*****
He makes another appointment with Dr. King. He tells him everything. Dr. King tells him to meditate. He sees no point. It’s not scientific. It doesn’t compute.
Peter doesn’t meditate.
May finds out that Peter quit his job. She tries to tell him that that was wrong of him.
“I know!!” He snaps. “I know! I couldn’t do it!”
“Peter-“
“No! Listen to me! I am so ANGRY all the time. I am angry at Mrs. Friar! I’m angry at Ned!” He’s crying and throwing one of Sandwich’s toys off the wall. “I’m angry at my school! I’m angry at the animal shelter! I’m angry at the vet! I’m angry at sandwich! I’m angry at Dr. King! I’m angry at myself for giving up on everything! I’m angry at YOU!”
“Peter, I didn’t mean what I said-“
“You still said it!”
He goes to bed. His head is throbbing.
May wakes him up at midnight.
“Please let me sleep.”
“I want to talk.”
“I want to sleep.”
“That’s not fair, Peter.”
“I don’t care. I don’t care what you want.”
May goes to her bedroom. Peter hears her cry for the next hour. He doesn’t feel bad. He also decides he’s never going to open up to her again if she’s just going to sob about it.
*****
Peter shuts down. He doesn’t care anymore. He over eats. He doesn’t shower. He lets his room get messier and messier. He runs out of medicine. He doesn’t go back to counseling. He stays in his room.
May tries to help him. He doesn’t let her.
He misses Sandwich.
He misses Mr. Stark so much that it aches.
**********************************************
It’s been a year and a half. A year and a half since he finished high school. Since he saw Ned and MJ. A year and a half since he saw Mr. Stark. A year and a half since he was happy.
Ned invites him to dinner. Upstate.
Mr. Stark lives upstate.
Peter texts Mr. Stark:
Hey, Mr. Stark!
I am coming upstate Friday to hang with Ned. I miss you. Do you have time to talk Friday? If not just lmk. Thanks!
Peter Parker
He signs his full name in case Mr. Stark doesn’t remember his number. Or his first name.
Hi, Pete. I’d love to talk. Want to do lunch?
Peter freaks out over the next few days. He doesn’t need Mr. Stark. He’s an adult now. He can take care of himself. What is Mr. Stark going to do anyway? Peter shouldn’t bother him. He’s not even his intern anymore. Mr. Stark doesn’t need to worry about him anymore.
*****
Peter gets to the coffee shop 45 minutes early. He chose coffee because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to eat anything. He’s sweating. He hates sweating. His mouth is dry. His brain feels like tar.
Mr stark shows up right on time. He only has 1 hour. He sets a timer on his phone so he isn’t late.
Peter almost forgot what he looked like.
He looks the same. The same goatee and glasses. The same black pepper hair. The same suit. The same watch.
He sits across the table from Peter but he feels so far away. Peter want so bad to curl up into Mr. Stark's chest. He longs for the comfort of someone who has only ever seen the best in him.
Mr. Stark says “What’s going on Pete?”
Pete. He missed that.
Peter starts with Mrs. Friar. It seems like the thing that will warrant the most appropriate reaction, because he’s already crying.
He tells Mr. Stark everything. He tells him about his jobs that he quit. His classes that he quit. He tells him that he misses Ned and MJ and the interns. He tell him about Sandwich and how he had to hear his heart stop beating. He tells Mr. Stark how he feels so lonely and overwhelmed even when he isn’t doing anything at all. He tells Mr. Stark that he’s scared. That he’s anxious all the time. That he’s scared he’s losing his mind; the only thing he’s proud of. He’s scared because it’s moving like tar. He can’t focus. He tells Mr. stark that he quit patrolling. He tells Mr. Start about his counselor and his medicine and all the changes they’ve had to make. He tells him about May and how she said she was going to send him away. He tells Mr. Stark that he wants to die.
He fully expects Mr. Stark to do anything but what he did. He expects him to laugh at the ridiculousness of him being overwhelmed by school. He expects him to be angry that he stopped patrolling because he isn’t being responsible.
But Mr. Stark. God he missed Mr. Stark. Mr. Stark just listens. He makes a noise in the back of his throat when Peter tells him about Mrs. Friar. He puts his hands on the table between them. Peter wants to hold them but he doesn’t. Mr. Stark doesn’t even drink his coffee because he’s so invested in Peter. Mr. Stark looks at Peter and takes in his face.
Mr. Stark waits for Peter. When Peter finishes talking, he waits in case Peter wants to say more.
When Mr. Stark does speak, he thanks Peter. He THANKS him.
Peter is puzzled. Mr. Stark says, “I am so honored that you chose to share this with me. I don’t take this lightly.”
Mr. Stark says, “May didn’t mean it. She was scared for you, Pete, and angry for you, not at you. But that doesn’t mean what she said was okay.”
Mr. Stark says, “Peter, I have hope for you.”
And that makes Peter have hope for himself too.
Mr. Stark’s alarm goes off. He hugs Peter and says “I am so glad you texted me.”
And then he leaves. And Peter sits in the coffee shop with Mr. Stark's still full coffee.
*****
Later, after dinner with Ned, Mr. Stark texts Peter.
Let me know next time you’re upstate.
And Peter feels loved. For the first time in so very long Peter feels loved. He misses Mr. Stark already, but now he has hope. He knows he can see Mr. Stark again soon. He won’t have to go so long alone again. He also knows that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel all the ways he feels. He’s okay. Well, maybe not yet. But he thinks maybe now that he CAN be okay.
He can, and that is enough hope for him, for now.