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Jack had been pacing for nearly an hour now. His heart was pounding, anxiety levels up higher than he believed they'd ever been.
It was nearing four in the morning, and Jack had yet to sleep. Race hadn't come home. And he never did that without telling Jack first.
His hands were destroyed, having been wringing them for so long. It was hurting to move them now, but that helped lessen the anxiety so he let it continue, desperate for Race to just appear around the corner. He was desperate for his little brother to return home.
At least another hour passed, and Jack was now collapsed on the floor, unable to stand any longer. That's when he saw the kid, barely upright as he came into view.
"What the hell was youse thinking," Jack half screamed, forcing his aching legs to stand again.
"I," Race tried to say, but Jack hadn't finished.
"I's been up all night waitin' fa youse ta come home, where were you? Why didn't ya tell me. I's been so worried 'bout you Racer, I fought you wasn't comin' 'ome this time."
It was at that moment Jack noticed how broken Race was. His arms were bleeding, and he looked like he could collapse at any minute. He wasn't sober, that was for sure, but there was something else wrong.
Race choked out a sob, collapsing into Jack's arms, "please don't let go," he cried, clinging to the elder as tightly as he could.
"Racer," Jack said softly, not daring to let go of the sobbing kid. His heart was breaking at this sight, hating seeing his little brother so vulnerable.
"S-sorry."
"None of that, tell me wha's goin' on in ya head," Jack half whispered, moving so the pair were sat in the doorstep, just in case his legs decided to give way again.
"I ain't been sleepin' good," Race began, trying to quiet his mind for long enough to string a sentence together. He felt like he could talk for weeks, but coherent thoughts were few and far between.
"Youse never sleepin' good, what makes youse go off fa hours."
"I," he paused, words getting stuck, he had no idea how to explain any of this, "am I worth it?"
That was the best Race could come up with before he fully broke down, shaking, and hyperventilating as he curled in on himself, holding Jack as tightly as he could.
"Where's this come from Racer. Youse is one of tha most 'mazing guys, and I's loves ya so much. I love you more than you'll ever know," Jack said, holding the younger tightly. He was almost afraid to let go. It felt like if he did Race was would just disappear.
"I's been drinkin' 'gain," Race said ashamedly, knowing Jack hated it when he did that. Race had an addictive personality, and could never stop drinking once he had started.
"I know."
"I needed ta 'scape."
Jack hummed, deciding to let Race talk until he felt ready to stop.
"I climbed up real high Jack. I's was ready ta jump, cause nuffin' else was workin'. Everything felt so real, and I needed it to stop."
The tears were flowing freely, but Race had to keep going, he had to get it all off of his chest. "I climbed down 'ventually. I's was too scared ta let go taday. Got anuvver bottle, and I's smashed it inta the ground. The glass was sharp, and it hurt so good. An' someday's youse needs to hurt, or youse feels nuffin' 't'all."
Jack's heart sunk further and further with every word. His little brother was hurting so badly, and had been for so long, and he'd missed it. He hadn't been there for Race when he had needed it most. "Show me your arms."
Race lifted his head, fear filling his eyes as he looked at Jack. His face was red and blotchy, head bruised after a punch up earlier in the week.
He slowly raised his arms so Jack could see the mess he'd made, wanting the ground to swallow him up so he'd feel less guilty.
Race was one of the few people who knew Jack had scars. Bad ones from times he rarely ever spoke about, and here Race was, wanting that. Wanting that pain that had tortured Jack for months. What kind of sick monster was he?
"I's so sorry Racer," Jack said in a voice which was barely a whisper.
"Whachu sorry for?"
"Not bein' there. Youse don't deserve to go frough dis alone. Nobody does." Tears were streaming down his cheeks. Everybody had scars, and everyone got them in different ways, but nobody deserved to suffer through the pain alone.
"Ain't yer fault. Ya couldn'ta made me come 'ome," Race said, pulling his arms back to where they were hidden.
"I know Race, but I's known ya ain't right for a while now, I shouldda done somefing for youse."
It went quiet for a moment, both boys exhausted after such intense emotions had controlled them for so long.
"'M sorry Jackie," Race said softly, staying curled up close to the elder. He didn't want to move, and he definitely didn't want to be alone. If he was on his own he could let his mind wonder again, and that was dangerous.
"Can I clean your arms up?" Jack asked, wiping his own tears from his cheeks. He'd lost a lot of boys over the years, and to think he had been so close to losing his little brother, his second in comment. It was too painful.
Race took in a sharp breath as he lifted his head up from Jack's lap, then nodded, weakly standing himself up.
They walked together, Race half clinging to Jack's arm, scared to be alone. He was scared to let go, in case he was abandoned, again.
It was nearing six as they crawled up the stairs, sitting on Race's empty bunk. The morning bell would ring soon, and as neither were really in a fit state to go out selling that day, they had decided to stay awake till all the kids were gone.
"Youse 'kay?" Jack asked, looking down at Race, who was sat on his lap, head resting on his shoulder.
"Better," Race replied, giving Jack a truthful answer. He didn't know if he'd be properly okay for a very long time. But he wanted to live now, and that was definitely a better feeling.
"Good, ya know I's 'gon be worryin' 'bout youse now. Youse ain't gettin' no peace anymore."
"Great, cause I's had so much peace already," Race replied, rolling his eyes as he grinned up at Jack.
The humour was a good sign, it was scary for Jack to see his little brother without his personality. "Youse ain't selling on ya own fors a while, and no goin' to Brooklyn on youse own," Jack said, running his fingers through the youngers curly locks.
"I know, I don't wanna be alone," Race admitted, taking in a deep breath as he finally felt himself able to relax.
"That's 'kay Racer."
"Thank you."
"I'm always here for ya, whensever youse is needin' me. Always," Jack said, wincing as he heard the morning bell. It was always so loud, and Jack's head was definitely hurting after spending most his night so tense and stressed. "Up you get boys."
Race flinched at Jack's shouts, but calmed himself instantly, as he watched the melee of their lodgings in the morning.
Albert was confused to see Race still in bed. The kid was normally the first one up, and here he was sat in Jack's arms, neither making an effort to move.
"Youse not movin' today Racer?" he asked, paising in front of the bunk as he pulled his hat on.
"Me an' Race is stayin' 'ome today, get youself ready Albert," Jack said, giving the kid a look as he tried to say something else. The boys were usually obedient, but every so often they felt the need to push it.
Davey and Les had stayed over that night, and were now blearily trying to get themselves ready. Les had far too much energy for this time in the morning, but this was usually the case. Davey however, didn't look happy to be awake, and came and collapsed on Race's bunk with a heavy sigh.
"Mornin' Dave," Jack said softly, unable to stifle the yawn. He was so unbelievably tired, having barely slept in the last week.
"Morning. Are you both okay?" Davey asked, staring widely as he forced his eyes open.
"We's stayin' home today, could ya do me a favour?" Jack asked, at which Davey just raised his eyebrows, "can ya take Bella out wid youse. She only goes out wiv me an' Racer."
Davey nodded, smiling as the little girl in question toddled over. She waved, reaching out her arms for Davey to pick her up.
Jack chuckled, "youse does exactly the same to Conlon," he said, the thought entertaining him greatly.
Race frowned, not wanting his relationship outed by a sleep deprived Jack. "I's does that wiv everyone, 's'how I gets attention."
Jack thought for a second, then nodded, "yeah you do."
Chaos seemed to be kept to a minimum, probably something to do with Jack not getting up, that was usually unsettling for the kids. And soon, they were all out, finally allowing Jack and Race to sleep.
"Please don't go anywhere, stay till I's is awake," Race said in a small voice, pushing himself up against the wall in desperation for that kind of comfort.
Jack held Race tightly, "I wouldn't dream of it," he said, eyes fluttering shut, as he fell straight asleep, told exhausted to have stayed awake any longer.
And although Race couldn't fall asleep instantly, he was okay. He was safe, he wasn't going to be alone, and that was enough to let his eyes fall shut. Everything was okay, and right now, that was all he needed to know.