Work Text:
Scene 1
The study group minus Pierce gather in the library. Britta and Shirley hug Troy and Annie respectively while Jeff and Abed shake hands
Britta: So how was everyone's summer?
Troy: An...
Britta: Because mine was awesome. I spent a couple weeks at a commune, living off the earth. I just feel so healthy and alive. I met the most interesting people.
Jeff: Yeah, that sounds unhygienic. I used my super impressive skills of persuasion to get a great job at a law firm that specializes in divorces. I spent months being used by hot divorcees for revenge sex.
Britta: Now that sounds unhygienic.
Jeff and Britta make faces at each other across the table.
Shirley: I have been spending the summer with little Benny. He’s just the most adorable thing. It’s tough spending time away from him.
Study Group: Awwwwwwwwwwww
Annie: This was the best summer ever! Abed, Troy and I have been having so much fun!
Troy looks pained. Abed looks as blank as usual.
Britta: You guys have been hanging out?
Troy: Yeah, when Pierce left the group I sorta got kicked out of his house.
Annie: Which was perfect because I really needed a roommate and didn’t like the idea of asking a stranger.
Jeff and Britta exchange concerned looks. Shirley frowns.
Shirley: What do your parents have to say about that? I don’t think I’d like my boys living with a girl.
Annie: Oh, Shirley, we’re just friends.
Troy: And we didn’t tell them.
Shirley: HmmHmmm
Annie: It’s been great! Right Troy?
Troy purses his lips and nods vigorously. Jeff’s lips twitch like he wants to say something but decides against it.
Annie: Now guys, I know schools just started, Butttt, I thought this Friday we should all go to the Dance Department’s Being Boogey!
Shirley: The what now?
Jeff holds up one finger.
Jeff: Wait
Annie: Why?
Dean Pelton burst open the door and sashays in wearing a pink leotard, a shrug, and a floaty wrap skirt.
Title Credits
Dean: Hi Ho Greendale students, Jeffrey,--I hope you’ll all be joining us this Friday for the Being Boogey, the Dance Department’s ballroom dance competition. The winning couple will get a scholarship for fifteen credits worth of Greendale courses. Now participation isn’t necessary, but we’d love if Greendale students could come out and be supportive.
Jeff: Thanks as always for the info Dean.
Dean: You know if you need a partner Jeffrey, you could always try your moves on me.
The dean walks his fingers up Jeff’s shoulder. Everyone looks uncomfortable.
Jeff: That’s not going to happen.
Dean: Suit yourself.
The dean twirls and then walks out the door. Everyone shakes their head like they’ve just done a truly terrible shot without a chaser.
Annie: Come on everyone. It will be fun. And I know I could really use a break on my tuition.
Jeff: Annie, I’m not going to be your partner.
Annie: On no, I don’t want you! Abed and I are competing.
Annie smiles at Abed who nods slightly while remaining expressionless. Jeff is nonplussed, confused, and a little hurt.
Jeff: Abed?
Troy groans and rests his face in his hands.
Annie: Yes with Abed!
Annie stands up and slams her hands on the table.
Annie: Abed’s a great dancer, something you’d know Jeff if you got to know him instead of judging him because he’s different from you!
Jeff: Woah Annie, calm down. I didn’t--
Abed slams his hands on the table and stands up. He has gone from expressionless to terribly serious.
Abed: Don’t patronize her Jeff! We all know you’d be more comfortable if Annie stayed a little girl, but she’s a grown woman and she can make up her own mind! Come on, nobody puts Annie in a corner!
Abed holds out his hand which Annie takes and they walk out of the room.
Jeff: What just happened?
Troy: They’ve been like this all summer.
Britta: Are they dating?!
Shirley gasps.
Troy: Worse. Every week Annie and Abed choose a different movie or tv show to role play. By the end of the week they’re making out, but as soon as the clock strikes midnight-or Abed’s phone alarm beeps-- the game ends and they both go back to normal. Until next time.
Jeff: And Annie’s into this?
Troy: Into it! Have you met Annie? When she commits to something she’s crazier than Abed. There have been costumes.
Britta: They did this all summer?
Troy: They? We! I spent the entire summer playing side kicks, villains, and sassy best friends who can’t get their lives together. I never get to make out with anybody!
Shirley, Jeff, and Britta look at each other, silently asking which one Troy wants to make out with. Britta shrugs.
Jeff: And they’re doing this role playing thing now?
Troy nods.
Jeff: Well what’s the game?
Shirley: Oh no.
Britta: It isn’t!
Jeff: What?
Troy: Dirty Dancing, and guess who just got cast as the father.
Jeff looks horrified. Slam to black.
Scene 2
Troy is stretching in the dance studio. Britta walks up behind him and stands very close and whispers in his ear.
Britta: I have a proposition for you.
Startled, Troy pulls his leg up even closer to his face.
Troy: Jesus Britta, do you want me to have an accident?
Britta: I think the two of us should pair up. We’ve got ten times the talent of Annie and Abed and a million times the charisma.
Troy: Britta, we’d just be playing into their hands. We’d be the competition who the intrepid underdogs have to defeat at any cost.
Britta: Look, if you don’t like the role playing, let’s ruin the game. There’s no way they can be Swayze and Baby if they lose on Friday, right! And how could they possibly win against us. Be a leading man, be Patrick Swayze Troy.
Troy is tempted, but still wary. He points his finger at Britta and leans toward her.
Troy: What do you get out of this?
Britta: Let’s just say that I could really use the scholarship and leave it at that.
Troy is still skeptical, but he holds out his hand. Britta shakes it.
Troy: You’re hiding something, but you have a deal. Now can you Tango?
Britta: Does my cat wear a tiny eye patch?
Troy stares at her blankly.
Britta: The answer is hell yes. And it’s adorable.
Scene 3
Jeff and Shirley walk to class. Shirley is talking about how adorable Ben is while Jeff is very clearly not listening.
Shirley: And he makes the cutest face when you go ma ma, ma ma, and...
Jeff’s stares off and sees Annie and Abed practicing on a corner of the Greendale lawn. Abed moves Annie’s arm up while his other hand slides down her back.
Jeff: I can’t believe this!
Shirley: Well, it’s too early for Ben to say it back, but it’s still pretty amazing.
Jeff: No! The fact that I’m the controlling father figure!
Shirley: MmmHmm cause you never claim to know what’s best for people.
Jeff: This thing between Annie and Abed isn’t healthy. If we learned anything at Christmas it’s that Abed can’t always dissociate real life from fantasy, and Annie has serious trouble letting go of things.
Shirley: And so you have to put a stop to it, for their own good.
Jeff: Come on Shirley, you of all people can’t think this is a good idea.
Shirley frowns and crosses her arms.
Shirley: Jeffrey, I am too tired to get involved with whatever you’re doing. I have to be a good mother 18 hours a day. I haven’t slept through the night in four months. Can you just give me a few hours off!
Jeff: But! I thought you missed being at home?
Shirley: Jeff, I’ve just barely been hanging on. I just got my husband back and now this whole baby thing! I love my son. I love all of you. But no. You are just going to have to find someone else to play mom this year. One family of squabbling children is enough.
Shirley walks off to class. Jeff stares after her, when a shadow falls across him.
Chang: Plotting something Winger?
Scene 4:
Montage of Troy and Britta training. Britta bitterly berates Troy when his footwork is off. Troy looks like he’s about to cry. Annie and Abed crawl toward each other singing. Jeff and Chang stand in a huddle while Jeff outlines a plan.
Scene 5:
Dean: Welcome everyone to the Being Boogey! And can I just say that this year’s competition looks stiffer than ever.
He laughs awkwardly to himself. On the dance floor, Annie and Abed are holding hands. They look to their left, Britta and Troy have just walked in. Britta is wearing a red dress and Troy is wearing a matching red tux.
Annie: I didn’t know you two were competing!
Britta: You didn’t think you were the only people with moves. Troy and I are going to wipe the floor with the pair of you.
Troy: You’re about to get served!
Chang: No--
All four turn toward the unexpected voice. Chang and is wearing a baby blue tux and is standing with Vicki.
Chang: --You’re about to get Swiffered. Forget mopping, we’re going to clean this floor, no fuss no muss.
Annie and Abed exchange concerned looks.
Dean: And now to announce our fabulous judges. First your sassy and sexy Dean will be observing your every shimmy and shake. Next, everyone’s favorite English teacher Professor Whitman, and finally, Greendale’s own--
A figure emerges from the shadows and walks up to stand to the side of the judges table.
Pierce: Pierce Hawthorne. Double major in ballroom dance.
Jeff walks to the stage and glares up at his former friend.
Jeff: Pierce!
Pierce: It’s good to see you too Jeff. I see you and the study group have fallen right into my trap!
Jeff: What are you talking about?
Pierce: Why, I set this whole thing up! I know the study group wouldn’t be able to resist taking part in whatever stupid Greendale event was planned next. So I arranged this dance competition. I wanted to show you that from now on, none of you will ever win anything again. You seem to have forgotten that just by being students here, you’re losers, just like the rest of us. Prepare for a year of humiliation.
Jeff: You think you can beat us! Even if you are a judge there’s no way you can take us down. That’s Britta and Troy out there, and you remember their fancy footwork. And that’s Annie and Abed, you might as well be facing off against the real Patrick Swayze and the girl with the nose.
Pierce: Aren’t you forgetting something Jeff, I don’t have to take them out, you’ve done it for me!
Jeff looks horrified. He turns toward the dance floor. The music starts and the couples begin to move across the floor. Jeff tries to run up to Chang but is stopped by Starburns.
Starburns: Only dancers on the floor.
Jeff cranes his head around Starburns and yells toward Chang.
Jeff: Chang, the plan’s off! I repeat, abort the mission.
Chang twirls Vicki over so that they are doing side by side steps in front of Pierce.
Chang: Oh I don’t think so Winger.
Chang nods up at Pierce who smiles beatifically.
Jeff: You slimy two timing bastard!
Chang: You made this happen Jeff.
Pierce: Let’s see if anyone wants to be friends with you after tonight!
Jeff rushes back toward the seats where Shirley is sitting.
Jeff: Shirley, dance with me, I have to get on the floor and stop Chang!
Shirley: Sorry Jeffrey. Normally I’d love to show off my unbelievable moves, but I got to go pump.
Jeff makes a face and looks back toward the floor. Troy and Britta move to cut off Annie and Abed, attempting to make them miss a step. Abed vigorously twirls Annie out of the way and the audience gasps. Troy nods toward Britta and she moves to run forward for a lift when a spot light descends on the two of them. Britta’s stage fright kicks in and she completely tenses up. Pierce smiles and gives the okay sign to Leonard who’s operating the lights. Troy pulls Britta toward him so they are dancing cheek to cheek.
Troy: Stay with me Britta. This is what we trained for.
Their faces look slightly constipated as they Tango across the floor. With each step, Britta becomes more confident. A rose flies from somewhere and Britta catches it in her teeth, but when she turns to face Troy he starts sneezing uncontrollably. He breaks away from Britta who freezes, looking at all the people staring at her. She takes a deep breath and runs from the room. Pierce grins. A bouquet of roses sit in front of him.
Jeff: You know Troy suffers from intense hay fever!
Pierce: Does he? I was just trying to add some flare. Well, one pair down, one to go.
He raises his hand and signals Chang. Chang produces a cell phone from his pocket and steers Vicki beside Abed and Annie. Abed has raised Annie’s arm behind his head and is sliding his fingers down her her side in classic Dirty Dancing style. Everything starts to move in slow motion. Jeff yells and lunges forward only to be stopped by Starburns.
Jeff: Nooowwwooaha!
Quick cut back to Jeff and Chang huddled together whispering. Cut back to the dance floor. Chang holds up his cell phone like a grenade.
Jeff [in voice over]: As soon as Abed hears this alarm, he breaks character and goes back to being himself.
Chang presses the alarm. Pierce grins evilly. The sound echos through the room, beeb beeb beeeeeeeeeeeeb. The noise momentarily overwhelms the band. Abed freezes. The sound seem to cut out. The confident happy smile Abed had worn since the beginning of the dance vanishes.
Annie: Johnny?
Abed doesn’t move. Annie takes her hand and puts them on either side of his face.
Annie: What’s wrong?
Abed: It’s over. It’s time to stop.
Annie pulls herself up to him so that there isn’t an inch of space between them anywhere.
Annie: It doesn’t have to Abed. You and I , Annie and Abed, we can do this.
They lock eyes. Annie holds her breath. Then Abed dips her. They start dancing again, but this time it’s stiffer, more structured, like a completely different pair of dancers.
Chang: No no no!
Chang is so distracted staring at Annie and Abed that he drops Vicki who lands on her butt with a crash. Everyone turns to stare at them. Vicki glares at Chang, then walks off the floor toward Neil, rubbing her sore ass all the while.
Abed and Annie execute a perfect lift. Everyone cheers.
Chang: Stop that. Stop cheering for them! I am dancer! If I don’t get to win this, no one wins!
Chang pulls a blow gun out of his sleeve, the same one used by anthropology Professor June Bauer. He takes aim at Annie--who is now being dipped--and fires. A large body falls in front of the shot taking the dart in the jugular. Pierce falls to the floor just as the music stops and Annie and Abed strike their final pose, their faces millimeters from each other. Awkward silence fills the room with one or two people clapping. Annie and Abed blink, then break apart to rush toward Pierce. Jeff is already there, holding Pierce’s head up off the floor.
Pierce’s breathing is labored. He glares at Chang.
Pierce: I told you, not, to hurt Annie.
Annie: Pierce!
Pierce: You were always my favorite. Jeff, control your gay urges and call, 911.
Pierce passes out. Annie glares at Chang.
Annie: What is wrong with you?!
Chang: Don’t hit me, don’t hit me! I was just doing what Jeff told me to do!
Annie looks shocked.
Annie: Jeff?
Jeff: I only asked him to play the alarm, not to shoot you with Aboriginal weaponry!
Annie: Why would you do that!
Jeff:This thing between you and Abed, it isn’t normal!
Abed: And you know what normal is Jeff?
Troy: Well it certainly isn’t pretending to be different people every week!
Troy and Britta have joined Jeff, Annie, and Abed on the dance floor. They all stand up. Pierce remains passed out on the floor at their feet. Chang uses this moment of distraction to run away.
Britta: We’re just worried about the two of you.
Annie: Oh yeah, out on the dance floor you seemed really concerned for our well being.
The group devolves into yelling. No one notices the approach of Shirley.
Shirley: Enough! This is how little children behave, not friends of two years. Not comrades who saved their school and banded together time and time again to look out for each other! Apologize right now! Starting with you Jeffrey.
Jeff rolls his eyes.
Jeff: I’m sorry.
Shirley: Again, or so help me God I will keep you here all night.
Jeff: Alright, alright! I’m sorry Annie, Abed, for sabotaging your game. Maybe I was a little hurt when you started treating me like a dad, and not even a cool dad. All summer I had kids attacking me because they needed someone to blame for their parents divorce. And I was just watching them while their parents sat in hearings.
Britta: You weren’t sleeping with their moms?
Jeff: The firm hired me as a paralegal, but they mostly had me babysitting. It was awful!
Britta: My summer wasn’t exactly great either--I got kicked out of my apartment and was living at the Y for a month. I had to scavenge the public gardens for lunch just to save enough money for the down payment on a new hell hole to live in. I guess I was a little hurt to know you needed a roommate Annie and you didn’t ask me. Maybe I was a bit mad at you too Troy.
Annie: Why didn’t you call me!
Britta: I don’t know--I guess it seemed like too big a favor. And we weren’t as close this year. My fault, I did sleep with Jeff.
Annie: Oh Britta, you could have called! Maybe you, Troy and I could look for a three bedroom!
Troy: No! I mean, I mean, I’m not apologizing.
Troy storms off. The rest of the group stare after him.
Jeff: Abed, you should go after him.
Abed: Yeah, sorry Jeff.
Jeff: You didn’t do anything. Just go after him. He misses you.
Abed turns and walks toward the door
Scene 6
Outside Troy is sitting on the front steps.
Abed: I’m sorry I’ve been spending so much time with Annie. It’s like in Bridesmaids, and I’m Maya Rudolf and you’re Kristen Wigg. You’re hurt because you think I’m replacing you.
Troy sniffles.
Troy: You’re not?
Abed: Of course not. You are my best friend. My first best friend. I would never want a girl to ruin that.
They smile at each other. Then Troy frowns.
Troy: Abed? Do you like Annie?
Abed: Of course. Annie’s awesome.
Troy: No, do you like like Annie. Because I think she like likes you.
Abed: Annie doesn’t like like me. She likes Han Solo and Don Draper and Indiana Jones.
Troy: And do you like Princess Leia and whatever the girl’s name in Mad Men is?
Abed: No. I like Annie.
They sit in silence. Troy digesting this information.
Troy: I think you underestimate Annie. She is pretty awesome.
Abed: Maybe.
The doors open and the rest of the study group files out onto the steps. In the background, Pierce is wheeled toward an ambulance with a flashing light.
Jeff: You two kiss and make up?
Troy leans over and bumps shoulders with Abed
Troy: Yeah
Shirley: Good, because I need to get home to my other family.
Britta: Shirley, if you want a night off, I mean a real night off with Andre, I’d be happy to babysit.
Shirley: Oh Britta, I’d like that very much. Goodnight.
Shirley walks down the steps and down the sidewalk toward the parking lot. Annie sits down next to Abed.
Annie: So, next week there’s a Renaissance fair and I thought we could--
Abed: Not this time Annie. Troy and I are planning a Hangover night.
Annie looks deflated
Abed: There aren’t any great female characters in that movie, so it wouldn’t be any fun for you. But I was thinking next week we could do Robert Downey Jr.’s Sherlock Holmes .
Annie is thrilled but also slightly confused.
Annie: I thought you said you never do repeats!
Abed: I was thinking more of a sequel. It was so much fun the first time around.
Annie smiles. Abed and Troy stand up to leave. Jeff sits, conflicted, then jumps up after them.
Jeff: Hey guys, can I join you?
Abed looks at Troy. Troy rolls his eyes.
Troy: Fine. But I get to be Bradley Cooper, you can be the naked Asian guy.
The boys walk off. Annie and Britta are left sitting on the steps.
Annie: Are we okay?
Britta: Yeah.
Annie: Good. Do you want to get desert?
Britta: That sounds perfect.
The camera pulls up to show the boys walking off together and the girls walking in the other direction.
CREDITS