Work Text:
K: Stopped to fill up the tank. Driving again feels weird. But good. See you soon :)
The last text was sent at 1:42 PM. Connor had the timestamp memorized because… well, because he had opened up his phone to look at it at least thirty-seven times in the past ten minutes, but also because 1:42 pm was exactly one hour and twenty-two minutes ago, which, according to both Google and Apple maps, was the exact amount of time it took to drive from Kevin’s parents’ house to his.
Not that he was keeping track.
It had been a comically joyous moment the night in Uganda when the two had discovered they grew up so close to each other. Though, it shouldn’t have come entirely as a surprise that both devout Mormon families would live so close to The Holy Land. Nevertheless, they had spent the rest of the evening scheming up plans to visit each other as soon as they got back to America. Little did they know at the time, their conversations would soon grow in tandem with their blossoming relationship, and their plans for weekend visits would turn into plans for a much more... permanent arrangement.
Even then, they knew that particular dream would take time. And money. And a lot of difficult conversations and logistics to work through. But in the meantime, Kevin had promised him in the dim lamplight of the living room, I’m happy to make the drive.
He could hardly believe the day had come.
They had arrived in America at the same time and said their goodbyes on the plane, knowing full well that a farewell kiss would not be popular with the crowd of Mormon parents waiting in the airport. It certainly was not the ideal ‘coming out’ that either of them were aiming for. Maybe we should, Kevin had teased as he clung tightly to Connor for all he was worth in the narrow airplane seats, After all, actions do speak louder than words. It had been two weeks since that day, and sometimes Connor found himself wondering if they should have gone along with that plan after all. At least it would have saved them from starting an impossible conversation with their parents.
And, it would have saved Connor from having to start an even more impossible conversation with Kevin now.
The sound of tires approaching on his otherwise quiet suburban drive sparked Connor’s attention. His head shot up from his phone, heart skipping a beat at the sight of a dark blue Chevy Cobalt turning the corner. He shot up from the swing and clutched the railing of the porch as he watched the car pull into his driveway, just as Kevin had described. His momentary stitch of anxiety was pulled free at the sight of his boyfriend’s smiling face behind the windshield. He could hear muffled traces of the Frozen 2 soundtrack playing behind his closed windows as he bolted down the steps and onto the driveway. Kevin was barely out of the car when Connor attacked.
“Is it okay for me to park here--”
Kevin’s question broke into a grunt as Connor tackled him, throwing his arms tightly around his waist. Kevin stumbled back, placing a hand against the car for balance. Then he was returning the hug with even more force, laughing into Connor's shoulder, and god, it felt like heaven.
“Hi,” Kevin said, squeezing Connor tightly. The familiar scent, the proximity, the feeling of his stubble against his face and his arms around him… it was almost too much. Connor’s eyes stung and he closed them tight, not caring if tears fell or not.
“I missed you,” he mumbled into Kevin’s sweater, pulling him tighter still. Kevin turned his head to plant a chaste kiss against the side of his neck.
“I missed you, too, Con.”
They stood like that in the driveway, unaware and uncaring of any watchful neighbors, because Kevin and Connor were back together and nothing could take away the high of melting into that embrace.
Almost nothing.
As he held Kevin tightly against him, he could practically feel the tension in his muscles. He could have written it off as nerves for their reunion or blamed it on the long drive, but Connor had a sinking feeling it had more to do with the aftermath of a bad morning.
Today was their coming out day.
They had been talking about it for months. In the late night hours in Uganda, on the plane ride home, in the hushed phone conversations they had in their respective bedrooms in Utah every night since returning. It was time, and they both knew it. In the midst of so much uncertainty, there were three things they held as absolute truths: They wanted to be together. It would not be easy. And it would absolutely be worth it. The rest, they would figure out together.
Which is why Connor didn’t know how he was supposed to find it within himself to look his boyfriend in the eye and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that he had chickened out.
Kevin was the first to pull back, keeping his hands on Connor’s arms and squeezing lightly.
“It’s so good to see you,” Kevin said, his red rimmed eyes only twisting the knot in Connor’s stomach further.
Connor covered one of Kevin’s hands with his own and nodded, swallowing back the lump in his throat.
“You, too.”
He chewed at the inside of his cheek. He wanted to ask how it went. Kevin hadn’t divulged much over text this morning, noting that he would rather talk about it in person. Connor hadn’t pushed. He assumed it went relatively well, judging by the lack of tears and the fact that Kevin was driving a car he knew had been purchased by his parents. But that in no way guaranteed smooth sailing. He wanted so badly to ask, needed to ask, to make sure Kevin was okay. But he was scared to open that door, knowing very well he would have to divulge his own truth. For the second time today, Connor McKinley felt like a coward.
“Is there somewhere you want to go hang out?” Kevin asked, clearing his throat, “We can go to a coffee shop, start a real Salt Lake City scandal.” He smiled for a moment, then perked up as another idea struck him, “Oh! Maybe you can finally take me to that Javier’s place you used to talk about all the time. I can see what all the hype is about.”
Despite the heaviness in his chest, Connor’s heart soared. He looked up at Kevin.
“You remember that place?”
“Of course I remember,” Kevin shrugged, sounding almost offended, “You said it was your favorite restaurant.”
Connor swallowed hard and took Kevin’s hand in his.
“Actually, I was thinking maybe we could hang out here,” he said, continuing when Kevin gave a concerned glance toward the house, “My parents are out for the evening. They won’t be back until late.”
Kevin squeezed his hand in return, an easy smile spreading across his features. God, how Connor had missed that smile.
“Here sounds great.”
“Are you hungry?” Connor asked over his shoulder as he led him through the living room, “I can make you something, or we can order in or-- mmm.”
He was caught off guard when Kevin grabbed him around the waist, spinning him around into a kiss. He hummed into it, winding his arms around Kevin once again. He hadn’t known how much someone could miss a physical sensation until that very moment.
“We’re kissing in my parent’s living room,” Connor’s brain helpfully supplied when they pulled apart. Kevin laughed.
“Sorry,” he said, not sounding the least bit sorry, actually, “I was thinking about doing that the whole drive.”
Connor wanted to kiss him again. He wanted to tell him never to stop. He wanted to wrap himself up in the safety of Kevin’s arms and not talk about anything and pretend everything was okay for just a little while longer. Instead, he took hold of his hand, smiled, and led him down the stairs.
“Wow, this is your room?” Kevin marveled as he followed him into the basement. He stopped briefly as they reached the bottom, his eyes scanning over the wall of broadway posters on the far side above his bed. He smiled. “Yeah, this is definitely your room.”
“Do you like it?” Connor asked sheepishly, gesturing around. He took a moment to process how strange a feeling it was having Kevin Price here in his childhood bedroom. It was a disorienting collision of two halves of his life. His past and his future. As jarring as it was, there was also an unmistakable peace at the idea of letting Kevin share this part of him.
“I love it,” Kevin said genuinely, the corner of his mouth turning up as he took in the space, “It’s very you.”
Connor didn’t know why he was blushing all of a sudden.
“I can’t believe you have a bedroom this big to yourself,” Kevin continued, “I had to share with Jack until I was like, fifteen, and now my room is just a generous closet.”
“Perks of being an only child,” Connor shrugged, then carefully, “How are Jack and Sarah?”
Kevin’s eyes found him again, seeming to catch the shift in his tone.
“Good,” Kevin nodded, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans, “They’re… yeah, they’re fine.”
“I guess we should probably talk about today,” Connor finally addressed the elephant in the room. Kevin pressed his lips together, looked to the floor and then to Connor again with a sad smile.
“Yeah, I guess we should.”
Connor led him to his futon against the wall and Kevin took his hand as soon as they were seated.
“So, how did it go?” Connor started, trying to keep the reins on the conversation for as long as he could. Kevin let out a long breath, running his free hand through his hair.
“It…. went,” he said, which is about what Connor had expected. He had only met the Prices briefly at the airport, but from everything Kevin had told him about his parents, he certainly wasn’t expecting a rainbow flag to be erected in their front yard anytime soon.
“Are you okay?” Connor asked sincerely.
“I’m…” Kevin frowned, his eyebrows furrowing in as if he was caught off guard by his next thought, “Yeah, I think I’m alright. It felt… It felt kind of good, you know?”
“How did your parents take it?”
At this, Kevin’s eyes retreated.
“My mom cried,” he said, “She was still crying when I left the house. That didn’t feel good.”
Connor squeezed his hand as he continued.
“And my dad, he… Well,” he shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant but Connor saw the flash of hurt in his eyes, “We were never really close, anyway.”
“I’m sorry, love,” Connor brushed his thumb over the back of his hand.
“It will be okay,” Kevin assured him, even sounding like he might actually believe it himself, “I think maybe they’ll come around. I hope so, anyway.”
“I hope so, too.”
Kevin cleared his throat, raising his eyebrows slightly at his next thought.
“Actually, Jack and Sarah were pretty cool about it,” he said, “I don’t know if they’ll be marching in the next Pride parade or anything, but… Sarah pulled me aside before I left today and gave me a hug. I think that was her way of saying it’s okay.”
“I’m so happy to hear that, Kev.”
Kevin blinked away what appeared to be the hint of tears and put on a smile for Connor.
“What about you?” he asked, sending a wave of dread through Connor’s stomach, “How did everything go with your parents?”
Suddenly he could avoid it no longer. He pulled his hand back from Kevin’s and dropped his eyes to his lap. He took a deep breath, willing the words out.
“It didn’t,” Connor confessed, forcing himself to meet Kevin’s gaze again, “I didn’t tell them.”
Kevin blinked a few times.
“You… didn’t tell them?”
“I’m sorry,” Connor hurried, his voice feeling suddenly brittle, “I really wanted to, Kevin. I was up all night, terrified about it. When I started throwing up at three in the morning, I just… I decided I wasn’t ready. I chickened out.”
He thought he saw a flash of disappointment, or god forbid hurt pass through Kevin’s expression, but it might have been his imagination, because Kevin was quick to reassure him.
“Hey, don’t apologize,” he said, scooting over to place a hand on his thigh, squeezing lightly, “I’m not angry. If anything, I’m the one who should be sorry.”
Connor frowned at him.
“I shouldn’t have put us on a timeline like this,” Kevin explained, “It breaks my heart to know you were up all night sick over this. You should have called me.”
“I didn’t want to bother you,” Connor said, “I felt bad enough for being a coward.”
“Stop it,” Kevin moved in closer, this time winding his arm around Connor’s shoulders to pull him in, “You are anything but a coward, Connor.”
“But you were brave enough to do it,” Connor argued, looking up at him, “We had a plan and I backed down from it.”
“Like I said, we probably never should have made that plan to begin with. I knew your situation was… a little more complicated than mine.”
Connor snorted at the word choice. Complicated was certainly one way to put it.
“I thought that would make it easier, somehow,” Connor admitted, feeling a bit stupid, “You know, like at least it wouldn’t come as a total shock, whereas your parents were probably a bit blindsided.”
Kevin chuckled at that.
“I don’t know. I think they may have had more suspicions than they were ever willing to address.”
“Still,” Connor shrugged against him, “Mine already… they already know I’m gay. They just want to live in the delusion that the treatment worked. All I had to do was tell them they’re wrong, and I couldn’t even do that.”
“Okay, but listen to what you’re saying. The fact that they responded last time by sending you to fucking conversion therapy doesn’t exactly set the stage for an easy conversation this time around.”
“You’re cutting me too much slack.”
“You’re not giving yourself enough credit.”
Connor looked down at his hands, wishing he could believe his boyfriend’s words.
“I will tell them,” he resolved, to both Kevin and himself, “I just need more time.”
Kevin hugged him close and whispered into his hair.
“Take all the time you need. Regardless of what happens, I’m always going to be here,” he assured him, “And we will have our apartment in New York, just the two of us, like we’ve always talked about. It will happen when it’s supposed to.”
Connor snuggled into his chest and allowed himself to indulge in the daydream. He closed his eyes and pictured moving boxes and smiles and bare apartment walls, ready to be decorated with the color of their lives. He imagined brushing his teeth next to Kevin before they went to bed and cooking dinner together with their cheap dollar store kitchen utensils and making love to him on a bed that would probably be way too small but would feel absolutely perfect.
Before he knew what he was doing, his lips were on Kevin’s again, kissing him unabashedly on the old futon in his childhood bedroom. Kevin hummed in surprise but kissed him back without hesitation, and while everything may have felt like some bizzare dream, it was certainly not a bad one. Connor allowed himself to get lost in the moment, which might have been his first mistake, because perhaps that was why they never even heard the garage door open, the footsteps in the upstairs hall, nor the sound of the basement door clicking open. Before he could process what was happening, the dream shifted into a nightmare.
“Connor.”
The voice was loud and hard and the boys tore themselves away from each other as fast as they could, spinning to face the man at the base of the stairs. Connor felt bile rise in his throat. His shaking legs barely supported him as he forced himself to his feet. Kevin followed suit.
“Dad.”
Mr. McKinley held his gaze even, nothing but unadulterated disgust visible in his features. Connor felt himself wilting under his stare. He wanted to run away. Wanted to hug Kevin or push him away so he didn’t have to be here for whatever was about to happen. He wanted to cry. Before he had a chance to do any of those things, his father was closing the distance between them. Connor shrank under his sudden proximity, wishing he could find the right words to say, to find anything to say. He swallowed hard, trying to find his voice, when a loud crack reverberated through the basement. It took a few seconds for him to process the pain through the colorful streaks of light that danced behind his eyelids. When he did, his hand went to his jaw instinctively.
“Hey,” he heard Kevin’s voice, saw him take a step closer, but he couldn’t look at him. His father stepped between them, blocking Kevin from getting to Connor.
“Young man, get out of my house.”
Kevin hesitated and Connor could feel his eyes land on him.
“Connor…”
“Please go, Kevin,” Connor finally found his voice, whispered and broken as he avoided his gaze. He could practically feel the anger radiating off his father in waves and didn’t want Kevin around to bear the brunt of any of it.
“Connor, I--”
“Kevin, get out,” he winced at the harshness in his own words, but refused to break.
There were a tense few seconds as the three of them lingered in a silent standoff. Connor kept his eyes trained on the carpet. If he looked at Kevin, he would see how scared he was and he knew his boyfriend well enough to know he would refuse to leave. And he couldn’t let that happen. Eventually, much to Connor’s relief and dismay, he got the hint. He could feel the hesitancy in his paces as he backed away from the scene, his eyes never leaving Connor. When he reached the staircase, he stopped, uncertain, and gripped the railing. Finally, Connor granted him a brief moment of eye contact. He could tell Kevin wanted to say something, standing there with his mouth half-open, his eyes full of concern. But he knew as well as Connor that it would only make things worse.
He held his gaze for a few more seconds, an unspoken exchange heavy between them. Connor, hand still resting on his throbbing jaw, gave a short nod. Permission. Perhaps even a plea. And after another moment of hesitation, Kevin tore himself away, and suddenly the bedroom Connor had known all his life felt cold.
He shouldn’t have left. He shouldn’t have left him like that. Why did he leave him like that?
Kevin clutched the steering wheel tightly, the feeling draining from his fingertips as his vision blurred with tears. He didn’t recognize the streets he was on. After sitting idle in the McKinleys’ driveway for a long time, hoping to see Connor burst through the front door and jump into his car so he could take him far away from there, he realized he wasn’t coming. That he couldn’t stay there. He didn’t know where to go, so he had just started driving.
He couldn’t go home, he knew that much. He couldn’t leave town. He wouldn’t. He needed to stay close by in case Connor needed him. But of course, Connor had already needed him. And he had left. The longer he drove through the winding, unfamiliar streets, the more the memory of the basement played on a loop in his mind, and the deeper the regret etched itself into his nerves.
God, why did he leave him?
Kevin reached over to grab his phone from the passenger seat, flipping it over to check his lockscreen for the fiftieth time. Still nothing. He threw it back down with more force than necessary, trying to keep his focus on the road. A small shopping center up ahead pulled his attention and he switched lanes without thinking about it, pulling into the parking lot. He came to a stop in a parking spot at the end of the building, throwing the car into park and turning off the ignition. When he was met with the silence, he crossed his arms on top of the steering wheel and let his forehead fall forward against them. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, wishing he could stop hearing the sharp echo of a hand across his boyfriend’s cheek.
His mind raced with a million alternate endings to the scene that had just played out, each one better than the one he had actually written. It was like his brain had been turned to putty in the shock of the moment, seeing the look of unadulterated hate on Connor’s father’s face, watching him cross the room, hearing the loud smack as his hand made contact, rendering him incapable of thinking clearly when he needed to most. When Connor needed him most. He sat back, grabbing his phone and dialing Connor’s phone number again from memory. He let his head fall back against the headrest as it rang. Once, twice, three times. Then to voicemail.
“Fuck,” he whispered, tossing the phone down again. He felt tears stinging his eyes and gripped the steering wheel again.
Connor was okay. Connor would be alright. He had to be. He would call Kevin any minute now and he could go pick him up and he could take him far, far away from here, away from his parents and the church and the hate.
In an attempt to push down the guilt that bubbled angrily in his stomach, Kevin blinked hard and tried to focus on what was in front of him. He scanned over the shopping strip he had pulled into, recognizing a lot of the chain store restaurants but not being able to even think about eating. He stopped short when he landed on the big, faded sign at the end of the strip.
Javier’s. Connor’s favorite.
The small coincidence prompted renewed tears and he hurriedly swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand before they could spill.
Well. If he wanted to stay nearby, this seemed like as good an option as any.
Without thinking about it any further, Kevin grabbed his phone and wallet from the seat and pulled his keys from the ignition. Before he entered the restaurant, he made sure to turn his phone volume all the way up.
It was almost 9:30 PM.
Kevin knew this because the Javier’s wait staff had been shooting him dirty looks for the past twenty minutes as he sipped his fourth virgin margarita at the bar. It was sickeningly sweet and made his stomach hurt, but his legs were bouncing nervously on the barstool and he needed something, anything, to distract him from looking at his silent phone… which was dangerously close to dying.
“Excuse me,” he got the attention of the bartender who was counting tips at the cash register, “Do you have a phone charger I could use?”
She turned to him, an unenthused look in her eyes.
“We close in seven minutes,” she said flatly. And you’ve been here for five hours, he heard the unspoken followup. To his right, a waitress was sweeping the floors under her section of tables and he noticed for the first time that he was the only patron left.
“Oh,” he said guiltily, “Right. Sorry.”
He took out his wallet, scrounging for as much cash as he could find. It wasn’t a lot. He laid down enough to cover his drinks and less of a tip than he wished he could have given and gathered his belongings. Just as he stepped onto the sidewalk, his phone buzzed in his hand and he nearly dropped it hurrying to flip it over.
A breath of relief. A text from Connor.
C: Hey.
Without hesitation, Kevin tapped his contact and pressed the phone to his ear. It only rang twice this time before he picked up.
“Hey,” He heard Connor’s voice, small and broken on the other end of the line, and Kevin’s heart immediately sank in his chest. He was crying.
“Connor,” he breathed, “Hey. Are you okay? Where are you?”
There was a moment of silence broken only by a quiet sniffle before Connor spoke again.
“Kevin, I…” he broke off, his voice squeaking in a way that physically hurt Kevin’s stomach far more than the shitty drinks, “I have to go.”
“Wait, no! Don’t hang up Connor, just--”
“No,” Connor interrupted through a sob, “No, I don’t mean… I mean I have to leave. I can’t… I don’t know where to go.”
The desperation in Connor’s voice was so uncharacteristic and frankly terrifying, and it was making Kevin’s head spin.
“Come to Javier’s,” he said automatically. There was a pause and he thought he almost heard a dry laugh in Connor’s response.
“What?” he asked. Kevin shook his head.
“I’m at Javier’s right now,” he clarified, “Can you meet me here? Or I can come get you.”
He was already heading toward his car when Connor interrupted.
“No,” he shot back instantly, “No, I’ll meet you there.”
“Okay,” Kevin said, “They’re closing up right now, so I’ll be in my car, okay?”
“Okay,” he heard Connor sniffle again. He waited a beat, and then, “Hey, Kevin?”
“Yeah, hon?”
“Can you… Can you stay on the phone with me?”
Kevin clutched the phone tighter against his cheek, wishing that Connor could feel the embrace from the other end of the line.
“Yeah, Con. Of course I will.”
It was a pretty quiet transaction, save for the periodic sniffling from Connor’s end and Kevin’s few attempts at conversation before he realized that Connor wasn’t really up for talking. It made him feel better to have him on the line, nonetheless. Kevin was drumming his fingers nervously against the steering wheel when Connor finally spoke up.
“I’m almost there,” he said, and Kevin felt an irrational rush of anxiety at the announcement. Connor sounded hesitant when he continued. “Hey, um. When I get out of the car, just... just promise me you won’t make a big deal, okay?”
Well, that certainly didn’t do much to settle Kevin’s nerves.
“Okay,” Kevin responded cautiously, his mind already racing with a hundred different possibilities.
“Okay,” Connor breathed back, “I’m pulling in now.”
Kevin turned to see his red hatchback pulling into the lot and immediately shut off his ignition. He opened the car door and got out, closing it behind him to lean against it as Connor pulled up beside him. He was wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled over his head, and Kevin couldn’t make out his face in the dim lighting of the parking lot. After a moment, Connor killed the engine and climbed out of the car, facing away from him. Kevin couldn’t help but notice the subtle strain in the way he moved.
“Hey,” he greeted softly as Connor rounded the front of his car, keeping his head pointedly low beneath his hood. He stopped in front of Kevin, wringing his hands in front of him.
“Please,” he said, voice low, “Don’t freak out, okay?”
“You’re scaring me,” Kevin’s nerves had come to a boiling point and he reached out to hold Connor’s hand, pulling back immediately when Connor flinched away from the touch. Kevin felt like he might be sick.
Finally, Connor took a deep breath and pushed back his hood, tilting his face into the beam of the streetlight above them. All the air was forced out of Kevin’s lungs.
“Oh, my god,” he instinctively reached forward to touch his face, retracting quickly before he made contact.
The red mark he had expected to see on his boyfriend’s cheek was barely detectable next to the gruesome patch of purple that swelled around his eye, forcing his eyelid shut. A thin line of dried blood stretched across his bottom lip, which was also swollen to almost twice its size.
“It’s not…” Connor sniffled, his eyes downcast and erratically shifting to avoid Kevin’s, “It’s not as bad as it looks.”
The lie was about as transparent as his skin, which seemed to more resemble translucent paper under the lamplight. Kevin’s eyes moved frantically over him, assessing the damage and feeling ill at the thought of what might be concealed under his clothes.
“Connor, did… did your dad do this to you?” Kevin asked, an edge of rage bleeding over into his concern.
“He’s… He didn’t… ,” Connor shook his head, his breath bouncing between sobs, “He’s never… never done this before.”
Kevin ran his fingers through his own hair, mostly to keep himself from touching Connor, and tried to even his breathing. He had already failed Connor so horrifically once today. He needed to keep his head on straight for him now.
“Okay,” Kevin whispered, “Okay. Can we-- Can I take you to the hospital?”
Connor shook his head through his cries, folding his arms over his stomach. Kevin felt a surge of inadequacy, stronger than anything he had ever felt. It seemed like an unconscionable injustice that after all Connor had done to take care of Kevin in his time of need, that Kevin could feel so utterly clueless when the tables were turned. How had Connor always known exactly the right thing to do, to say? How was it that Kevin was failing so miserably now?
“It’s alright,” he breathed, “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Connor seemed to relax marginally at his words and Kevin took a breath of relief at the confirmation he had done at least one thing right. “Are you… are you hurt anywhere else?”
Connor nodded slightly, flattening his palms against his stomach. Kevin’s eyes followed the gesture and he stared at where his pale fingers clutched the fabric of his shirt, brutal mental images of what lie underneath assaulting his mind. He swallowed back his horror when he noticed Connor shivering. He might have been completely clueless in trying to help this boy, but the temperature was at least something he could handle.
“Here, let’s get in the car, okay?” He prompted.
He ended up helping Connor into the passenger seat of his own car, wanting to get him in the nearest possible door. Connor gripped Kevin’s arm for support, hissing slightly as he settled into his seat. Kevin closed the door gently and walked around to slide into the driver’s side.
“Keys?” he looked over at Connor, holding a hand out. Connor dug into his sweatshirt pocket and handed them over. Kevin started the car and turned up the heat, pointing all the vents toward the shivering boy beside him, who sat with his shoulders hunched forward, curling into himself with an expression of unmistakable pain. Kevin searched desperately for words that just wouldn’t come to him. He tried to keep from staring, not wanting to make him uncomfortable, but he found himself drawn to the harsh evidence of violence that smattered his freckled skin. It looked so wrong, so out of place on the face of the most gentle person he knew.
“I guess we both came out today, afterall,” Connor noted after a moment. His attempt at a smile faltered as he met Kevin’s concerned eyes.
“Connor…”
“I’m sorry,” he looked down at his lap, “Coping with humor, I guess.”
“Can I hold your hand?” Kevin asked after a beat, his voice smaller and more sheepish than he expected it to be. Connor nodded and Kevin reached out for him, gently folding his fingers over his. He could feel him shaking underneath his touch and squeezed tighter. “I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m so sorry.”
“I’ll have to get a new phone tomorrow,” Connor squinted, his eyes slightly unfocused, and Kevin recognized him slipping into the calm, calculated mask he had seen him wear many times as a district leader. “My dad said he was taking me off the plan first thing in the morning. So I’ll need to do that.”
Kevin watched him carefully, a new wave of horror falling over him at his words. Connor glanced in his direction and gestured to the backseat. Kevin’s eyes fell on the two meager suitcases that lie behind them -- one of them the very same pink suitcase that he had helped him pack only two weeks prior.
“They kicked me out,” Connor explained, “My mom snuck me a hundred dollars and convinced my dad to let me keep my car since it’s already paid off. I guess that was her parting gift after twenty-one years.”
Kevin felt sick. He felt angry. Furious. Devastated. It took every ounce of strength not to throw the car into drive and speed back to his parents’ house. For maybe the first time in his life, Kevin felt not only capable of physical aggression, but nearly drawn to it.
“Where the fuck do they expect you to go?” He snapped, perhaps a bit too harshly, reining it in when Connor flinched beside him, “Sorry. You’re just… You’re twenty-one years old, you just got back to America after a two year mission in a third-world country, you don’t have a job or any other family here. Do they expect you to live on the street?”
Connor must have misread his words, because the district leader mask was tugged into place once more.
“It’s… It’s fine,” Connor’s tone was cool and even and detectably false, “I will figure it out. I’ve got enough in my savings to get a cheap motel for a night or two, and if I can’t figure something out in that time, the car is in my name, I can always…I can always...”
Kevin cut him off.
“Woah, Connor, no,” he said, shifting in his seat to face him directly, “You’re not sleeping in a motel or, or in your fucking car. Over my dead body.”
“Kevin.”
“No, I don’t want to hear any arguments. You’re staying with me until we figure something out. We,” he emphasized, “Together.”
Connor let out a humorless breath through his nose, pulling his hand out from under Kevin’s.
“Kevin, you just told your parents you are gay,” he said, turning to look at him, “And while they may not have reacted… quiet as harshly as mine, they didn’t exactly take it in stride, either.”
“So?”
“So, I doubt they’ll love the idea of your boyfriend sleeping over the very same night.”
“You can sleep in Jack’s room,” Kevin shot back without hesitation, slipping into the familiar feeling of stubborn determination, “Or I will, and you can have my bed. Something. Anything. But I’m not putting you out on the streets. You don’t do that to someone you love.”
Kevin immediately regretted his words when Connor’s head fell forward, his eyes filling with tears again.
“Oh, Connor,” Kevin leaned across the center console. Careful to avoid bumping any concealed bruises that might be there, he placed a soft hand on his back, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to… I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It's okay,” Connor said, breaking his heart even more, “You're right.”
There were a million ways Kevin imagined formally introducing his significant other to his family one day.
Standing on the front porch at one in the morning while his mother folded her arms over her robe and his boyfriend sported a black eye was not on the list.
Kevin had insisted they leave his own car in the Javier’s parking lot overnight -- that he and Jack could come back and pick it up tomorrow or something -- because there was no way in hell he was letting Connor drive an hour and a half to his house in that condition. To put it lightly, Mrs. Price hadn’t exactly been thrilled when Kevin called her on the way to explain, and he kind of wished he would have had the foresight to make the call in the parking lot when Connor was out of earshot. It probably wasn’t helping his emotional state to listen to his boyfriend and mom fighting about him.
But as Kevin had hoped, and maybe even allowed himself to expect, his mother had softened just slightly when she took in the sight of the bruised and terrified boy at her front door. She had given him a tight lipped smile that barely concealed her discomfort before she stepped aside wordlessly, shooting Kevin an unreadable look, and let them in.
“He can sleep on the pullout in Jack’s bedroom,” she had told Kevin pointedly, shifting her gaze only slightly to Connor, “I already spoke with him.”
She had stopped at the base of the staircase before she left them, glancing back at Connor, then at Kevin with what he almost swore was a slight glisten in her eyes. She looked like she wanted to say something more, but she pressed her lips tightly together instead, retreating to her room.
Kevin couldn’t stop seeing it every time he closed his eyes.
“Can you put your hands up?” he asked Connor inside the bathroom. Connor grimaced at the movement of raising his arms and Kevin wasted no time pulling the hem of his sweatshirt over his head. The fabric hit the ground with a rustle and Kevin couldn’t help but put a hand to his mouth when he saw the purple splotches littering Connor’s pale stomach.
He was no stranger to failure. He had just come off a two year stint of it, in fact, sparked by the biggest crash and burn of his young life. And yet, all of the shortcomings from the mission, numerous as they were, seemed entirely inconsequential in the face of this monumental fuckup.
He had left him. He had stood in that basement beside his boyfriend, watched the anger and the hatred come to a boil in his father’s eyes, and then he had the nerve to leave him there alone. The immeasurable minutes he had spent in the driveway, clutching the steering wheel and fighting some internal battle came back to haunt him now. Had he already started beating Connor while he was right there in the driveway, just barely out of reach? Had Connor been doubled over in pain as he sipped virgin margaritas at his favorite restaurant down the street? Had he regretted telling Kevin to leave?
Kevin certainly regretted listening to him.
Connor had looked fragile in a way Kevin didn’t recognize when he left him in Jack’s room. The loaned pajamas hung loosely off his frame and the throw blanket from the linen closet did little to settle his shivering that probably had nothing to do with the cold at all. It had physically hurt him to leave him behind with nothing but a squeeze of the hand, but Jack was standing right there, his posture stiff and eyes averted, and his parents were just down the hall. Kevin had no way of knowing how permanent this arrangement would need to be, but for Connor’s sake, he needed to play it safe and follow the rules as they were given. If there was one thing Kevin could do with perfect precision, it was that.
A soft rap on his bedroom door pulled Kevin from his thoughts, so quiet he thought he might have imagined it. He opened his eyes and glanced toward the door. Sure enough, he heard it again. He scrambled out of bed, nearly tripping on his blanket, at the realization that it could be Connor knocking for him. He made it across the room in record time, and was shocked to open the door and find Jack.
“Hey,” his brother said quietly, arms folded in front of him. Kevin raised his eyebrows.
“Hey.”
“Listen, um,” Jack whispered, looking over his shoulder toward their parents room before leaning in closer, “I think… I think you should go take my room instead.”
Kevin blinked down at him.
“What? No, mom said--”
“He’s crying, Kev.”
Jack’s words stomped on Kevin’s, sending a bullet straight through his heart. A kind of scared desperation seeped into his younger brother’s voice.
“I think he’s trying to hide it and thinks I can’t hear it or something but…” he shook his head, not looking right at him, “Please. Just go help him.”
That was all the convincing it took.
“Okay. Okay. Will you…?”
“I’ll take your room for tonight,” Jack answered immediately, still not meeting Kevin’s eyes, “I have my alarm set to come switch back with you before mom and dad wake up.”
If Kevin hadn’t been so singularly focused on the idea of Connor crying in the next room over, he would have been compelled to pull Jack into a hug. He recognized this gesture as the olive branch it was hopefully intended to be. A sign that even if he didn’t quite understand Kevin right now… they would be okay.
“Thank you, Jack,” he spoke quietly around the lump in his throat, “That means… that means a lot.”
Jack kept his gaze averted but nodded curtly as he stepped back to let Kevin past.
“Hey, Kev?”
Before he could even turn around, Jack had pulled him into a hug in the middle of the hallway, wrapping his arms tightly around his middle, head on his shoulder. Kevin froze, eyes wide and blinking, before eventually regaining his composure enough to bring his arms around Jack’s back. He allowed himself to breathe out, settling into the embrace that he hadn’t known he needed quite so badly.
“I love you, okay? No matter what.” Kevin felt the words mumbled against his t-shirt and the tears he had managed to keep at bay moments ago spilled over. He squeezed his eyes tight, pulling Jack closer.
“I love you, too, buddy.”
When they pulled away, he definitely didn’t see Jack swipe at his eyes, and he was sure he didn’t see Kevin do the same. He waited until his bedroom door clicked shut behind him before he blinked away the remnants of his tears and made his way toward Connor.
He approached Jack’s bedroom quietly, sneaking a glance toward his parent’s room at the end of the hall before he snaked into the room and closed the door. As expected, Connor lay on his side with his back to Kevin. He was curled up in a ball under the throw blanket but Kevin could recognize, even from a distance, that he was awake.
“Connor?”
He saw his shoulders twitch slightly at the sound of his voice, and Connor turned over, wincing at the movement.
“Kevin?” he squinted into the dark, “What are you doing?”
“Comforting my boyfriend,” Kevin said, lowering himself onto the small pullout mattress beside Connor, “And not letting him cry himself to sleep alone in a strange house.”
Even in the dark, Kevin could see the blush creep into Connor’s cheeks.
“Jack heard me?”
“I’m glad he did,” Kevin reached out to card his fingers through Connor’s hair. He leaned into the touch.
“What about your parents?” Connor looked up at him, and Kevin’s chest contracted painfully when he noticed his eyelid had completely swollen shut.
“Jack is covering for us,” he spoke softly, “I’m staying by your side tonight. I’m not going anywhere.”
Connor looked like he wanted to argue further out of sheer obligation, but whatever rebuttal he had ready in his throat dissolved as his chin started quivering, the dam of tears breaking again. Without hesitation, Kevin pulled himself close, sliding down onto the mattress beside him. Connor’s head found his chest as he curled into his side, muffling his sobs against his t-shirt. Kevin just held him tight. He held him, and he whispered into his hair, and he rubbed soothing circles over his back as he shook, just as Connor had done for him so many times as Kevin fought to get his life back over the hardest year of his life.
Connor had always been a rock. His rock. Unbreakable and strong and everything Kevin felt like he was not. To watch him fall apart like this was to have his entire world shaken.
Something occurred to Kevin for the first time that night as he held his boyfriend tight against him in a dark bedroom outside Salt Lake City, a home that used to be theirs. It was an adult feeling, like part of his soul had to expand to be able to feel it. He might have been in love with Connor for close to two years, but it was that night he made the decision that he would love him for the rest of his life. It was like he finally understood what it meant. To love someone, to love that particular boy, with all his heart. Completely. Unconditionally. To know without a moment’s hesitation that he would do anything to protect him. To keep him safe and happy and warm, for as long as they both shall live.
They had a mountain in front of them that felt insurmountable, and in a way, they had taken their first steps today. But it brought Kevin a great deal of comfort to know that he would be climbing it hand in hand with Connor McKinley. It brought him even more comfort to look back and realize just how many mountains they’d already left in their wake.
They could do this.
They had a lot of work to do in figuring out their future together, and maybe their timeline had been expedited by things outside of their control. It was difficult to picture what their lives might look like in a day, a week, a year. But as Connor’s sobs faded to sniffles and eventually to soft, even breaths against Kevin’s chest, he placed a kiss against his forehead, and he allowed himself to dream.