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The video pops up and encases my screen once I hit Accept Call, and after a second of shaky camera adjustment and bandwidth stuttering, Sean finally comes into focus, leaning over his desk wearing his Wolf Squad hoodie. He looks down at his screen for a second, smiles when something catches his eye, and he sits down at the desk, facing towards the camera.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” I say back.
And we just sit there, grinning at each other for a few moments, before it sets in just how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other. My eyes begin to burn, and Sean’s smile turns somber. I blink the tears away as loneliness fills my heart. It’s good to see him, it really is, but it’s not the same as being with him.
“Day Fifteen of quarantine,” Sean says, rolling his eyes a bit, playing up the part. “It’s been almost three weeks since I’ve seen my significant other, and I miss them with each passing hour.” He closes his eyes and clutches his hand to his chest. “I yearn for the gentle caress of their skin, I long for the feeling of my hand interlocking with theirs, for the sweet scent of their shampoo.”
I huff. “Okay, Shakespeare. When did you become so poetic?”
“I swear, it’s what quarantine does to you, man,” Sean says. “I’m going insane in here.”
“At least you’re still working, grocery stores being essential and all that.” And I won’t lie, that worries me. I know Sean, and he’s careful, but still, him being out there with little protection, it’s scary. Sean notices the worry on my face, and he smiles at me.
“Hey, don’t worry,” he says. “I’ve got a full bottle of hand sanitizer that I use like, every two minutes. And Boss cut my hours anyway.”
“Why would he do that? Don’t you guys need more people with how crazy things have been getting?”
Sean shrugs. “I think the initial wave of hoarders has died down. It’s still kind of hectic, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it was a few weeks ago. We’ve been hiring new people like crazy, but everybody’s only getting a few hours. Less potential exposure, I guess.”
“That’s good.”
“But let’s not talk about that.” I can tell by his smile that Sean’s really stressed. He’s always tried to be strong for those he cares about. For me. But we’ve been together long enough that I can see through his façade like it’s made of cellophane. I know when he’s putting on a brave face for me. But I also know that what Sean really needs at a time like this is a distraction. “What have you been up to?” he asks.
We talk for a bit about shallow things—shows we watched, books we read, games we played. But we call like this almost every day, so there’s rarely much to catch up on. It’s nice just to see him, to see his face. It reminds me that we’re in this together, that we’re not going it alone.
“I miss you, babe,” Sean says.
“I miss you too, Sean.”
Sean instinctively goes to wipe away the stray tears that are forming in his eyes, but catches himself, and uses some hand sanitizer while wiping his face with his hoodie sleeve. “I’m starting to forget what your hand feels like in mine.”
In front of the camera, I lock my fingers together, almost like I’m praying. “Like this.” Sean half-smiles, and does the same. “I know it’s not like the real thing, but while we’re apart, this will have to do.”
Sean sucks in his lips, closes his eyes. I can see him trying not to cry. This has been hard, for both of us, for all of us. I know Daniel and Esteban are feeling the stress, too. Esteban is still working—people still need their cars fixed—but since people are driving less, he’s getting less work. Combined with Sean getting fewer hours at the store...it’s kind of a rough situation.
But there’s no use dwelling on things that we can’t change.
Speaking of Sean’s family, there’s a knock at Sean’s door, and I hear Daniel calling from the other side, “Hey Sean, do you wanna play Ultimate Wrestler with me?”
“Not right now, enano ,” Sean calls back. “I’m on a Skype call right now.”
“Oooh, is it with your special friend? ”
Sean rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling. “My partner, yeah.”
“Tell them I said hi!”
He turns back to the camera. “Daniel says hi.”
“Hi, Daniel,” I laugh.
“They say hi back.”
“Now tell them to quit hogging you so we can play video games together!”
“I’m not gracing that with a response. I’ll play with you in a little bit, okay, buddy?”
“Okay!”
I can’t hear Daniel walk off, but he doesn’t say anything after that, and Sean turns back towards the camera, so he must have gone off to do his own thing. “I guess we should wrap this up then, huh? Don’t want Daniel to get too restless.”
“I don’t mind watching you guys play, if you want. I don’t have anything better to do.”
Sean ponders it for a second, then shrugs. “Sure. Let me switch over to my phone.”
He disconnects only to reappear a few seconds later, now using his phone. While Daniel gets the game set up, Sean plugs in his phone and sets it on the pop-socket so we can see each other.
“I’m totally gonna own your ass!” Daniel taunts.
“Daniel! Language!” Esteban calls from the other room.
“Sorry!”
I watch the boys play games for a while, while scrolling through Tumblr on my phone. This is the kind of thing we would be doing even if we were in the same room. We’ve always been great at that kind of comfortable silence, where we can each do our own thing but still enjoy each other’s company. Occasionally Sean will say something to me and I’ll respond, but mostly their gaming is just background noise for me. After a while, Sean says he’s “all wrestled out” for the night, but he gives Daniel a high-five before retreating back to his room. In defeat, it seems, from all the trash talking Daniel was doing.
“Man, I can’t believe it’s so late already,” Sean says, yawning and stretching his arms out as he sets his phone down on his desk.
“Time flies when you’re in quarantine,” I deadpan.
He laughs. “I’m gonna go shower and get ready for bed. You wanna stay on the line?”
“Sure.”
We both leave the call going as we prepare for bed. I read this thing online about long-distance couples Skyping each other at night and falling asleep together, and thought it would be useful during all of...this. It’s my favorite part of our calls, honestly. I love seeing his sleepy face smiling at me through the phone as we both drift off. Sometimes, he passes out before me, and he mumbles in his sleep, muttering about nonsense things in the most adorable way. Once, I caught him talking about me in his sleep, and nearly woke him up to tell him I felt the same way.
When I get back to my computer, Sean is already in his pajamas, and is climbing into bed. I say hi so he knows I’m back, and then disconnect the call to switch over to my phone. Once we’re all cozy in bed, I stand my phone up on its pop-socket and lay on my side, facing him. I can tell he’s already half-asleep, because his eyelids are droopy and he’s got this faraway smile.
“I wish I could kiss you good night,” he says. “Like for real.”
“Me, too.” I kiss the tips of my fingers and touch them to my phone, and he does the same. There’s been a lot of this, a lot of adaptations of physical intimacy through the net. The web carries our hearts between the two of us.
“I love you,” he mumbles.
“Whoa, wait, what was that?” I smirk.
He snaps awake. “Wh—shit, I mean...I, um…I know we haven’t said that yet, but I...fuck...”
“Hey, it’s okay,” I interrupt, smiling wide. “I love you, too.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
He heaves a heavy sigh of relief. “Well, that’s good.”
Sean rolls over onto his back. I’m sad that I don’t get to look him in the eye anymore, but he still looks cute, even in profile.
“If I was there with you,” I say, “I would snuggle up to you, put my head on your chest. I’d wrap my arms around you and listen to the sound of your heart beating.”
This is our favorite game during quarantine, If I was there with you. It’s not nearly as good as the real thing, but sometimes, if I close my eyes and picture it really hard, I can imagine what it feels like, and start to really feel it. My pillow becomes Sean’s chest, radiating his warmth, rising and falling with his breath, carrying his heartbeat. I can cuddle up to it, and even just for a moment, it feels like he’s there with me.
“If I was there with you,” Sean says, “I would put my arm around your shoulder, squeeze you tight to me, and I’d rub your back the way you like me to.”
“Mmm, that sounds so nice,” I sigh.
“And I’d play with your hair, kiss you on the top of your head, and tell you how much I love you.”
“And just how much do you love me, Sean Diaz?”
I say it like a joke, but Sean seems to really think about it. He’s silent for a second, looks up at his ceiling, and I see the corners of his mouth curve into a smile. “If you were to count all the stars in the sky, you would finish before I could tell you all the ways that I love you.”
I laugh. “You could swim the English channel twice over before I’d get done telling you all the ways I love you,” I say.
“You could fly to Mars and back.”
“Reach the edge of the universe.”
“Okay, you win, I can’t think of anything that would take longer than that.”
He laughs, and I join in. I don’t think I could ever express through words just how happy Sean Diaz makes me. It’s infinite. Formless. I feel it like a flutter in my chest, a swirl in my stomach. It’s like I’m at the top of a Ferris wheel, looking up over a beautiful river, and I don’t think I ever want to come down.
Sean’s breathing starts to slow down, and I curl up with my pillow. I listen to the cadence of his breath and imagine them coming from right next to me. Consciousness feels heavy upon me, and I feel myself slipping into slumber.
Before I go under, I mutter, “Good night, Sean.” But he’s already asleep. His gentle snoring provides a tether for me as I fade into the night.