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The air was cool and crisp. Chifuyu Matsuno drank in the sound of the brown and orange leaves crunching beneath his feet, shattering the silence of the graveyard. Autumn had always been his favourite season, although for many years now it had brought a certain sadness with it too. As he walked deeper into the heart of the cemetery, he felt his heart pounding in his chest. Despite the fact that he’d made this trip countless times before, he could feel his throat growing dry and palms getting clammy. He clenched his hands into fists and bit his already-quivering bottom lip. He felt like he was going to be sick.
His footsteps were slow and deliberate. After a few minutes, he arrived at his destination: the Baji family grave. Taking a deep breath, he sat himself down cross-legged on the grass in front of the large grey stone slab. He lit the sticks of incense he’d brought with him and set them down before clearing his throat. “H-Hey. Hey Baji-san.”
Chifuyu always felt awkward at the start of his visits. It felt strange talking to a tombstone, even if there was nobody around to judge him for it. Not that anybody visiting a graveyard would judge him for it. “It’s, ah, been a while, huh? I’m sorry about that. Life’s been pretty hectic with university classes and Toman stuff going on. And…I guess I was kinda dreading coming back here. I mean, visiting you does help, but it also hurts, you know? And sometimes I just don’t feel brave enough to stomach all the hurt. I’m sorry for not being braver. You must get lonely out here all by yourself. I’ll try to come see you more often, okay?”
“The weather’s been pretty nice, lately, hasn’t it? You know me, I’ve always liked the wind and the cold and stuff. You get to wear nice jerseys and jackets when it’s cold.” Chifuyu ducked his head and sighed. “Aah, geez, look at me, sitting talking to you about the weather. Sorry. You know I get nervous talking to you, even after all this time. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I dunno which is dumber, getting nervous talking to my best friend or getting nervous talking to a dead person.” He smiled wryly, picking at the dirt underneath his nails. “I’ll try talking about something more interesting.”
“It’s almost Halloween. A couple buddies from one of my classes invited me to go drinking with them on the 31st, but I turned 'em down. They prolly think I’m such a lameo. I guess I kinda am. Damn, you’d be so mad at me right now. You always hated when people sulked or moped around. You’d probably kick the shit out of me and force me to go with them if you were here.” He began pulling at a loose thread hanging from his sweater. “God, I really wish you were here.”
“I wear your jacket sometimes, you know. Your mom gave it to me.” He paused. “Your Valhalla one, I mean. Obviously I only wear it when I’m at home. Can you believe that it fits? It’s kinda big on me, actually. You’d totally laugh at how shrimpy I am these days. I look like a fuckin’ high-schooler. I swear I haven’t grown an inch since 2007.” He ran a hand through his hair. “When your mom first gave it to me, it smelt just like you, even after she’d washed all the blood out. I slept in it for the first few nights, even though it was a little uncomfortable. How lame is that? I think I actually cried when it stopped smelling like you and started smelling like me instead."
"It was real nice of your mom to give me your jacket, Baji-san. She’s a good woman, your mom. I hope you know that I’ll always look after her. You don’t ever have to worry about that. I’ll never stop calling her or visiting her or bringing her snacks and flowers when I get the chance. I love that woman. And I promise I’ll never stop loving her as long as I live. So please don’t worry.”
“There’s this girl one of my tutorial groups. I-I think she likes me. I’m not sure why, I just get the feeling. She sits next to me all the time in class and tries to start up conversations. It’s pretty annoying, actually. I kinda just wanna be left alone. She asked for my number on Friday. Forward, huh? Most girls here aren’t like that. I told her my phone was out of service. It isn’t really. I hope she doesn’t ask for it again.” Chifuyu hugged his knees to his chest. “I know it’s shitty of me to lie. I shouldn’t have lied to her. I just…didn’t know what else to say. It feels rude telling her I'm not interested, you know? I don't want her to feel like she did anything wrong. You’d have thought she was real pretty, Baji-san. She’s just your type. If you’d been there, she wouldn’t even have looked at me, I reckon. You were always pretty popular with the ladies, weren’t ya?” He chuckled mirthlessly.
“I think it was the hair. You had really nice hair. I remember you let me braid it once, for a laugh. It was so full of knots, Jesus! It took me forever to brush it out. I remember thinking it smelt nice at the time.” Chifuyu swallowed hard. “I hate to say it, but I don’t remember what you smelt like at all. Sometimes it’s even hard to remember what your voice sounded like. You had a real nice voice. I remember that I liked the way you said my name.”
The young man began picking at blades of grass as he spoke. “Remember how back in middle school, you said you were gonna get your grades up because you didn’t want to make your mom cry? Well, you made her cry, Baji-san. You made her cry so much.” He looked up at the gravestone, directly at where Keisuke Baji’s name was engraved. “Why would you do that to her, huh? Why would you do that to me?”
Chifuyu sighed and leaned back on his hands. “That’s not fair. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault. You were just trying to do what you thought was right. You were always a good dude like that, Baji-san. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. Do you know that? I hope you know that. I’ve never met a better man than you and I know I never will.” He tilted his head back and squinted up at the sun. A few minutes passed quietly. Chifuyu sat very still, allowing the mild morning sun to warm his face, before suddenly jerking upright. “Fuck!” he yelled, slamming his hands down onto the ground on either side of him. His voice echoed faintly through the empty graveyard. “What the fuck is the point?” he cried, his voice cracking and his eyes stinging with unshed tears. “What was the point of meeting you, exactly? What was the point of getting to know you and being your friend? What was the point if all it came to was this? This ache, this fucking ache that I carry around with me all the fucking time everywhere I fucking go! It ain't fair! It ain't fair at all! People tell me to remember the happy times, Baji-san. I try to, I really do. But every time I do, all I can think of is how things will never be like that again. Because you’ll never be here again.You left me. You left me here all on my own with this ache that won't go away.”
“I wonder when I stopped being normal. People feel bad for me, I see it in their faces and hear it in their voices and feel it when they come near me. I’m the sad weird dude. I have been for years. Nobody told me that losing someone important to you would be this bad. Maybe it’s just not this bad for most people, for normal people. I don’t know. Draken got his middle school crush killed by Kisaki too and he’s fine.” He waved a hand in the air dismissively. “Well, as fine as he can be. I mean we’re all pretty messed up, but at least Draken fucks girls from time to time. He doesn’t…” Chifuyu lifted his face once again, furiously blinking back tears. “He doesn’t sit around crying over a dead boy.”
“Nobody really talks about you anymore. I know that’s probably not the kind of thing you wanna hear, but it’s the truth. Whenever I try talk to the other Toman guys about you they just kinda look at me like they feel sorry for me. And then they change the subject. Sad, ain’t it? Sometimes I feel like you’re the only person I can talk to, even though I know you’d tell me to shut the fuck up if you could. Mikey says I should try seeing someone. Like a counselor or something. How crazy is that? Like that’s the last thing you’d expect from Mikey, right? Weird.” He blew a strand of hair out of his face. “I don’t think I’ll go, though. I know it sounds stupid, but the pain…it helps me remember, I think. I’m scared that if I stop hurting, I’ll stop remembering you. And I never wanna forget you. Not ever. No matter how painful it is. I wanna keep you alive for as long as I can.”
“I know it’s stupid and dumb and pointless, but sometimes I wonder what you would have been like. I wonder if we would have gone to the same high school. I wonder if you would have been held back another year. God, you were such a dumbass. Couldn’t spell for shit. Could barely fuckin' read.” Chifuyu smiled sadly. "I wonder if you would have decided to cut your hair someday. I wonder if you would have gotten a part-time job at some convenience store. I wonder if you would have been a shitty driver. There’s so much you never got to do and that makes me really sad, you know? You deserved to grow up. I…” He choked back a sob. “I’m so sorry you didn’t get to grow up.”
“I thought we’d have more time together. I guess everyone did, but I…I thought we were gonna be together forever. You ‘n me versus the world. Like Mikey and Draken. Like Pah and Peh-yan. I wanted to drive down to the sea on our bikes one weekend. That would have been cool. In my head, I imagined that I’d tell you how I felt while we watched the sun set over the ocean. How gay is that?” He snorted. “Even if we’d gone, I probably wouldn’t have said anything. I woulda been too scared. Sounds silly now, me being scared of you. But I was. Sometimes I still get scared that you might hate me now for the way I felt about you.” He sniffed. “I know I hated myself for it for the longest time, so it makes sense that you might hate me too.”
"You were everything to me, you know. You were the first person I ever wanted to talk to, the first person I ever wanted to be friends with, the first person I ever wanted to know. You were the first person I ever wanted to hold hands with, the first person I ever wanted to kiss, the first person I ever wanted to fall in love with. You were the first person I ever fucking cared about in the whole world and now you’re dead and…and I’m so fucked up! I don’t know what to do without you, Baji! It’s been five fucking years and I still don’t know what the fuck to do! I can’t move on. I can’t leave you behind. I can’t…I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this without you, dude. I need you back.” Chifuyu’s body was heaving with sobs now, his hands on his head, gripping his hair so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “I need you,” he whispered hoarsely. “Keisuke Baji, I just need you back here. Then I could feel okay again. I just need you back. Please.” For the first time in a long time, Chifuyu sat in front of Baji's grave and just cried. People came and went, throwing him looks of pity as they passed by. Birds called to each other in the treetops above. The incense sticks burnt out, the front of his jersey got soaked through with tears, his face began stinging and his throat grew raw, yet on and on he cried. And when he finally stopped crying, he was exhausted.
He wiped his face feebly with the back of his hand and took a deep shuddering breath. “I-I don’t believe in that heaven and hell shit, but I know you’re somewhere out there because you can’t just be gone. I’d say I hope you’re watching over me but if you were, you’d be bored out of your mind watching me crying alone in my room or playing video games with Takemitchy. So I hope you’re somewhere nice, with fast bikes and pretty girls and Peyoung yakisoba."
"Everything about you was so beautiful. I feel so lame saying this, but even your soul was beautiful. Sometimes it felt like the light inside you shone so brightly that you hurt to look at. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss the way you’d fall asleep on my couch sometimes and drool all over your chin. I miss the way you didn’t care about what anyone thought. I miss the way you were always unapologetically Keisuke Baji." Chifuyu sighed. "Most of all, I miss loving you. Forget all that shit I said earlier. I…I was lucky to know you.” Chifuyu’s throat burned and his eyes slid shut. “You were such a special person. To everyone that knew you, but especially to me. I hope I let you know that. I really, really hope I let you know that when you were still here. Loving you was wonderful and I’m so grateful that I got the chance to do it." He wiped his face again and got to his feet.
"So thank you, Baji-san. Thank you for sharing part of your life with me. The years we spent together and the lessons you taught me and the memories we shared...those are my treasure."