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Shuichi had heard most people tended to do it haphazardly, spots chosen at random without a care, yet that was never really how he tended to go about it. Shuichi liked order, liked things to be neat and tidy, pleasing to look at. Seeing the lines of raised skin down his arm after a successful session, all nicely placed one right underneath the other, soothed him. He'd count each mark on his right arm. One, two...twelve, thirteen, ah, might as well make it fourteen for good measure. Moving on to the left arm, he would make sure to count as he went, as the number must be exact. Once finished, he will gaze upon them like he were a piece of art. Gorgeous, precise, exact. Just the sight soothed his stresses and made him feel calm. Even with the accompanied mild burning sensation, it would all be worth it.
He would let out a sigh of relief, running his thin fingers delicately up and down his arm, feeling the bumps as he moved along. A day or two and the stinging would go away, he will remind himself. It's worth it. Gazing at the crumpled tissues beside him, Shuichi will pick them up to examine the night's success. To his dismay, he will be met with far too much white. There always was. Whatever, there was always next time.
The next day at school, when the class was just a little too rowdy, the insults from Iruma hit just a little too close to home, and the case he'd been working was just a bit too much, Shuichi would run his hand up the sleeve of the opposite arm. He would feel every little rise and fall, the smooth and the rough, and he will smile. It was a reminder, and it made him calm. It made him happy. Kaede would catch a glimpse of him and know, but she won't say anything. She's never said anything. She would never understand. Understand how just the touch alone relaxed him, helped slow his spinning thoughts. Helps him tune out the world and just smile.
Unfortunately, things turned out a bit different this time.
Shuichi's smile faded when he exited class at the end of the day. He was never too excited to return to his lonely dorm room, but today he had something to help him relax. Only, as he walked down the hall, a rambunctious boy followed after him. Down the stairs to the first floor, around the corners and bends, until Shuichi could spot the entrance from across the hall.
"Sai-ha-ra-chan!" Kokichi announced happily, grabbing the other boys wrist to slow down his fast pace. The grip was not strong, and yet it was not soft at the same time. Yet, it was enough. The pressure sent a stinging shock up the detectives arm. The second day was always the worst after all. Shuichi yanked his arm away from the others grasp, only allowing a brief look of pain to cross over his face before quickly covering it up. Unluckily for him, Kokichi was more observant than needed. The look on the small boy's face gave away that he had not missed a thing. Kokichi looked slightly taken aback. "Sorry Saihara-chan, I-I didn't know you were injured...", even if the boy was a liar and known for his pranks, he never did like harming others.
Before the other had a chance to continue, Shuichi turned around and kept walking. Truth be told, he had no idea how to react. Even if Kokichi had no way of knowing, he still disliked the idea of him finding out. Because if he did, just like everyone else, he wouldn't understand. His anxieties began to spike, and the detective subconsciously poked a thumb under his sleeve. Just like always, it helped. It always helped.
Kokichi on the other hand, was beyond confused. As much as he hated to admit it, he had hurt Shuichi in the past, and yet, he had never reacted like that. It frightened the leader, a lot. Shuichi had always been a bad liar, and when he was hiding something, well, Kokichi could tell. He had his suspicions, the smaller boy tended to watch the detective a bit more than he'd like to admit. He would know if Shuichi had been injured. He spots the weird glances from Akamatsu, he spots the faint red mark or two when the detective stretches, pulling his sleeves back. He knows the boy is lying when he says they're from his uncles cat. Yet, he wasn't one to throw around accusations.
The next day, when Kokichi hugged Shuichis arm unexpectedly as they were entering class, Shuichi let out a quiet gasp, barely noticeable above the ambient chatter, and pulled away once more. Kokichis suspicions rose, as he let the detective quietly scramble to his seat. He chewed on his lip, clenched his fist, and decided. There was something wrong, and unlike the others, he wasn't going to ignore it.
The following days served no help, as Kokichi quickly learned that his latching technique stopped working by the next day. Things returned to normal, Shuichi dodged his questions and that disgustingly fake smile never seemed to leave his face. It was evident the detective wanted him to forget, but that was the last thing he would allow himself to do. It wasn't until later, when Shuichi woke up a bit later than usual, rushed out the door and forgot his umbrella, not given enough time to make breakfast or a lunch and too shy to ask for others at lunch despite the gnawing pain in his stomach. The test mark he had gotten back that day just wasn't good enough, the new case given to him was a hassle, the walk home from school drenched him...
In the morning of the following day, when Kokichi grabbed Shuichi to drag him off, the detective hissed, and the leader knew. Yet this time, when the taller takes his swift exit, he calls out after him. "...Are you okay Shuichi?", and that causes him to stop. Kokichi watches as Shuichi fiddle with his sleeve, before turning around and giving him what should be a genuine smile. Kokichi hates liars.
"Of course I'm fine Ouma," and with that, he leaves. I am fine, Shuichi tells himself, because I am calm. I am happy. Kokichi just won't understand.
Kokichi doesn't follow Shuichi as he leaves. He doesn't speak to him throughout the day. It isn't until the bell rings and students start flowing out the door that Kokichi brings himself to look at the other boy. He spots the other as he's leaving, and without thinking, he follows. Almost like deja-vu, they descend the steps, weave through the students, and make it to the front door. Only, Kokichi doesn't stop him this time. Out the doors they go, through the courtyard, out the front gates. The dorms are just up ahead, and now that they were this close, the little leader was getting nervous.
Step by step, Shuichi approaches his dorm, excited for some peace and quiet for once. He's not blind, he knows Kokichi has been more clingy than usual, and even the thought that the other might be on to him makes him recoil. Another step and he's at the door, the click of the lock signifying he can enter. Finally, freedom...A hand grabs his and he stops. "Can...can I come inside?" Shuichi doesn't need to turn around to recognize that voice. He doesn't need to turn around to try, and ultimately fail, at convincing the other to leave him alone. He doesn't need to turn around so he doesn't.
"...Alright"
Kokichi follows him into the room, closing the door as they both enter. Shuichi barely has time to put down his bag, take off his shoes, and sit on his bed, before he's being questioned. "Are you okay?" He recognizes the question from earlier, only this time he can tell it's being asked with far more conviction. He sighs, not meeting the others eyes.
"Yes, I told you earlier, I'm fine." He tries another smile, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't hide his tired expression. It was apparent to the smaller boy he was not in the mood to answer questions, but if he was going to get to the bottom of this, he was going to have to push past his boundaries.
"In that case, can I see your arms?" Kokichi walks over to the detective, now standing right in front of him. The question seemed to take Shuichi aback just a bit, before a slightly sour expression found it's way onto his face.
"I don't see how that's important right now." His answer is only rewarded with a frown from the smaller boy.
"You're hurting yourself, aren't you Shuichi."
Shuichis gaze hardened, his face morphing into one Kokichi had seen only a handful of times. Anger. The detective stood up, now directly in front of the other. It was apparent to Kokichi that it was a bit more difficult to seem commanding when the other was towering over him. "I'm fine Kokichi, now if you wouldn't mind, I'm very tired."
"Then show me your arms." The smaller insisted once again. Even if he was stepping way beyond his boundaries, he knew he had to continue for the others sake.
"No! Now please leav-" But before Shuichi could force the other out of his room, Kokichi shot his arm out to grab the others. Shuichi hissed, and the leader really did feel bad for all the pain he'd been causing the detective over the past week. Kokichi gave him a soft look, trying to mentally apologize for his actions, before pulling up his sleeve.
Kokichi wasn't surprised with what he was met with, but that didn't stop it from hurting all the more.
They were orderly, it's weird to say that about wounds but that was the first thing Kokichi noticed about them. Like red slashes all organized neatly up Shuichis arm. There were too many. He noticed old scars as well, filling in the empty space in between the fresh ones. Too too many. Painful, they looked painful. That was his final thought. Painful.
Shuichi stared down at Kokichis examining face with one of defeat. He was the last one he wanted to find out. Kokichi would never understand. As it stood, there was nothing left to hide. Ever so slowly, Shuichi raised up his other sleeve, exposing what looked like a mirror image to his other arm. "No point in hiding it I guess..." Shuichi mumbled. Kokichi grabbed his other hand, his touch feather-light. After all that Kokichi had been doing, the last thing he wanted was to hurt him again.
After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Kokichi finally let out a quiet sigh as he rested his head in the crook of Shuichis neck. Their hands remained connected, the warmth helping to soothe both boys. "How long?" The question lingered in the air for a few seconds.
"Middle school."
"Shuichi..." Kokichi bit his lip and let out a shaky breath, "You aren't...you aren't planning to..." The smaller couldn't bring himself to finish. Shuichi was able to catch on quick enough, before shaking his head.
"No, this is just my way of relieving stress, you know?"
"It isn't healthy." Kokichi mumbled into the detectives neck. Shuichi sighed and shook his head. He knew the other wouldn't be able to understand.
"It helps me...It's a reminder to me, that I'm allowed to be sad."
Kokchi took a step back, letting go of the others hands. His brows were furrowed as he looked up at the other. "What do you mean?" The question brought a pitiful smile to Shuichis face, as if the answer were obvious.
"Come on Kokichi. My life is perfectly fine! I'm not being bullied, I'm an ultimate, I get good enough grades. Why should I feel depressed and pity myself when so many people have it worse..." The detectives gaze fell to the ground, and with it, his smile disappeared. "I know I shouldn't feel this way, there's nothing in my life that should bring me down but..." Kokichi noticed how the other started to shake, and almost on instinct, brought him into a hug. He could tell the detective was struggling.
"Go on," Kokichi whispered, doing his best to encourage the other to rely on him. Shuichi leaned his head on Kokichis shoulder, taking a moment of silence before returning the hug and continuing.
"...But sometimes I just feel so...useless, like I could just disappear and no one would care, like I have to keep pushing myself to be better so that people will want to keep me around..." Kokichi felt Shuichis grip tighten, "...But I'm not allowed to feel that way, because I have a good life, why should I complain when I've got it good, right? I shouldn't just sit here and whine, I'd think, but then when I started I thought, maybe with this my feelings are allowed to be valid. The scars remind me I'm allowed to be sad, they make me happy." The last part was mumbled a bit, and Shuichi hoped that with the explanation Kokichi would back off. Instead he was met with silence, a long and painful silence. Shuichi had to break it. "Ah, but really I'm just a disappointment, so don't mind my rambling."
"You're an idiot..." Kokichi mumbled, and it was now apparent to the detective that he could feel his shirt growing damp.
"I am, I'm a whole lot more as well-"
"No, you're just an idiot," Kokichi looked up, his determined expression slightly ruined by the dry tears staining his red cheeks. The smaller boy cupped the taller boys face, squishing his cheeks as he let out a loud sniffle and stared him in the eyes. "I don't care if you're the unluckiest person in the world, or the luckiest. I don't care if you live in the slums, or you're the richest person alive. I don't care if you're dealing with trauma, being abused, or living your best life." Kokichi took a deep breath, not even close to finished.
"You're allowed to be sad you idiot."
Shuichi averted his gaze, "Ah but-"
"No! No buts!" He squished his cheeks together once more, causing Shuichis face to become silly, but also forcing him to focus back onto him. "There's no rule book dictating who's aloud to be depressed and who's not. Your feelings are valid, no matter how terrible or amazing your life is, because pain is pain, it doesn't care about your background, it hurts all of us!" Kokichi huffed out, not able to stop the rush of tears flowing out his eyes once more. Instead, he let go of Shuichi's face, but before he could wipe the tears out of his eyes, Shuichi leaned forward and dealt with them for him. The detectives hand lingered on the leaders cheek, and in turn Kokichi put his hand over Shuichis to keep it there.
"So," Kokichi interrupted himself with a sniffle, "Whenever you're feeling all gross and depressed, you can 'whine' to me about it instead of hurting yourself." The little leader closed his eyes, nuzzling a bit into the detectives hand. "I care about you Shuichi, if you disappeared I'd like, get all gross and mushy for you. So no matter what those stupid voices in your head tells you, you are important, and you're not a disappointment, and...and..." Shuichi pulled Kokichi back into a hug. He knows Kokichi had never been great with emotions, and it was evident it was really getting to him.
"I'm sorry..." Shuichi whispered into the others hair, where his head rest. The soft hit to the chest he received followed by the quiet, "Don't apologize you idiot," brought a small smile to the detectives face. Neither boy could tell you how long the two of them stood there, just holding each other, but by the time either piped up, Kokichis breath had finally steadied. With a deep breath and one last moment to wipe away any stray tears, Kokichi looked up towards the other boy.
"Promise me you'll stop with this?" The little leader asked, pointing to Shuichi's arms. The other boy gave him a gentle smile.
"I...I can't promise I'll be able to right away-"
"Then promise me you'll try! And that whenever you're feeling depressed you'll come talk to me about it!" It was refreshing to hear some of Kokichi's prior energy starting to return. With that energy mixed with a pout, that Shuichi would consider cute, it was impossible to say no.
"I-I'll try, for you." That answer seemed enough for the little leader, bringing a bright smile to his face. He took a step out of the hug, putting his hands on his hips and pointing at the other with a commanding shine in his eye.
"Good! Now! No more gross emotions, we're getting out of this depressing room and you're gonna buy me ice cream!" He grinned, confidence returning full force. It was impossible for Shuichi to hide the large smile that crept onto his face, and at this point, he wasn't trying to.
"Alright, but I'm only paying for one scoop, if you want another you'll have to buy it yourself." Shuichi fixed his sleeves, before heading to the door as he heard the other boy whine.
"But Shumai!~" Kokichi whined, following the other to the door. The grin on Shuichi's face kept growing until he quickly fell into a joyous laughter, and well, Kokichi was never one to turn down a good laugh. The two laughed together as they got their shoes back on. A step and they were out the door, the click of a lock signifying they were free to leave. And well, if both boys just so happened to lace their hands together, neither one complained.