Work Text:
Ok Madeleine you were right. I think I’m in love with him.
A single text.
That isn’t supposed to be so complicated; he finally ends up telling Madeleine she was right about him having romantic feelings for his co-star, Henry Cavill. It shouldn’t have taken Joey so much time to realize it really, that’s not even like it is surprising for him, falling in love with a persona who will never return his feelings. That sounds too much Jaskierer-like. Maybe that’s what character bleeding is?
So yes, he’s in love with Henry Cavill, and he doesn’t really know what he’s going to do with that. Even if he’s pretty sure there is zero thing to do about that. That’s why he texts his best friend, Madeleine, telling her she’s right, preparing himself for her to brag about knowing it since forever and be proud of herself and giving him shit for that, but he doesn’t really care if she’s giving him advice in the end.
Except that can’t be what’s going to happen because as usual, he has sent this text after several wine drinks, meaning he’s not really focused enough on what he’s going – which could first of all explain why he finally wanted to tell Madeline she is right – and it’s so common for him, for life giving him more problems.
So it really is not surprising, but still, he wants to throw up when he reads the incoming text he has just received. A text from Henry.
Sorry to disappointed you Joey but I’m not exactly Madeleine
And that’s when Joey promises to himself for the thousandth time, he won’t drink a single drop of alcohol ever again. He has just texted Henry instead of Madeleine. How is that even possible? Jaskier would guess for destiny for sure.
He wants to bury himself in a hole and never longer exists. Shit, he’s mortified. That can’t be happening to him. They still have six long years to work together, how can he avoid Henry on the set? He just won't be able to. He will die of shame.
But as his brain is overheating, his misery doesn’t seem to be near to stop as here there is a new message from Henry, cutting short his anguished thoughts. He’s holding his breath while he reads it with trembling hands.
I think you’ve sent your text to the wrong person. Give my cheers to the lucky one ;)
The lucky one? Quite an irony as Henry is the lucky one. Except he wouldn’t think him lucky if he knew he’s the one Joey is in love with.
What can he answer him? His mind cannot possibly think of an appropriate answer, more appropriate than sending a text to the wrong person – fuck, how is that something that still happens in 2020? Joey can't answer Henry, he can't speak to him anymore.
At least he has weeks to come during which he can afford to act like if he were dead or like very busy, giving the current world situation and the self-isolation and confinement shit. Surely that makes him being an asshole, a pathetic guy who panics – which he is clearly being at the moment – but what is he supposed to answer, seriously? ‘Thanks man, I’ll say it to you next time for sure.’ There’s no way, impossible.
Henry doesn't even know he likes guys. Didn’t know, in any case. Joey's just not going to answer him, Henry is going to forget, it can't be otherwise. Henry must have lots of other things to do than worry about a co-worker – unless Henry thinks they're friends? Joey thinks they had become quite close during the past months, laughing together all the time, sharing intimate memories, except of course the fact that Joey wants to caress Henry’s soft lips with his whenever Henry speaks too close to him, or that he has wanted to stick to him and bury his head in his neck, smell him, and maybe finally know what it feels like when Henry reciprocates an embrace and hugs him tightly – but all that, will absolutely not be possible any more. He has to stop thinking about it, stop fantasizing about it, Henry is an untouchable dream.
With time, Henry will definitely forget this awkward moment and move on. Joey just has to ignore him for a couple of days, maybe weeks, which is going to be painful for him of course, but Henry will understand that Joey is too embarrassed to answer him, he will not push it, not bring back the fact that he now knows that Joey is in love with someone, a man apparently.
Henry is way too nice, the friendliest and kindest and lovable guy he knows – which is probably why he felt in love with him, among other obvious elements, including their chemistry and his perfect physical.
Henry will understand and let Joey avoid the question and everything will be normal after a moment of embarrassment, right?
So Joey doesn’t answer Henry’s texts and he tries to sleep. He tries his very best to not think about it for the next two days. Of course, the next day, with a headache and burning eyes, he rushed to grab his cellphone, checking at least ten times that it was the right number, and he called Madeleine to tell her everything and complain to her, hoping that she would understand his misery and be compassionate and of good advice.
She was, listening to his pain and understanding his embarrassment. But she also tried to tell him that it was indeed perhaps a sign that Joey should make a move on Henry. Indeed, Joey doesn't know if Henry is straight, he can't be sure of the man’s sexuality until he asks him the question. And most importantly, Joey did not clearly write in his message that it the man he’s in love with is Henry, so why Henry would assume that it is about him? There’s no reason for.
But Joey can't hear anything, he remains plagued by embarrassment, shame and anxiety, because he knows that it is about Henry. He doesn't want to lose his friendship with Henry, he cares a lot about him, he adores the guy, and if he can't have his love – he damn knows that his feelings will not necessarily be mutual, but he is afraid of losing him and he doesn’t want it.
Madeleine tries to make him understand that such a behavior is unnecessarily, that he is acting suspiciously and that Henry will eventually understand why he’s behaving like that if he continues to ignore him, and therefore it will result in the opposite of what Joey wants. He should apologize for having ghosted him for several days, invent an excuse, and continue to speak to him normally, maybe even about sexuality and all if it could lead to interesting information for Joey, or else take the opportunity to tell Henry the truth about his feelings.
That's not going to happen, Joey assured her. Hell no.
So after one day of complete silence, Joey ignores Henry’s new text.
That isn’t much. Henry isn’t refereeing to their last exchange, which is nice of him, but of course Henry is being nice, or maybe he didn’t even understand why Joey isn’t replying, which is annoying him even more. But Joey can’t bring himself to type an answer.
You doing ok?
If he’s doing ok, he doesn't fucking know. He feels completely lost, shitty and a complete jerk. It’s totally unfair, Henry hasn’t done anything wrong except being a perfect friend.
The next day is a bit harder. He has a lot of trouble changing his mind and focusing on another activity than moping over his fate and bad luck with love and life in general. Joey knows he's reacting disproportionately, but after two days of completely ignoring Henry, it's too late to go back.
He feels stuck, he hates that familiar feeling.
Joey grits his teeth while reading the new messages of the day and places his phone further on the couch after, and he tries to play a melody on his guitar to occupy his mind. Everything he plays is sad, sadder than his usual and it doesn't do him any good for once. He’s waiting for the storm to explode in his face.
Answer me please? So I know you’re still alive.
An emote, smiley-face, something?
Are you even receiving my texts?
Joey is stuck in mind. It is impossible for him to respond even if he begins to feel sick with his own behavior and his heart is aching and he finds it difficult to breathe, thinking that he’s surely worrying Henry, needlessly. There is no reason to worry about him. He felt in love with Henry, and that is totally stupid and he knows it. No reason to worry for his poor heart.
He spends several hours chatting with Anya during the afternoon and at least he can finally think of something else and it does him some good. He understands hours later why she seemed very interested on hearing how he’s doing these days when Henry’s message appears on his phone’s screen.
Well now I know you’re receiving my texts and are alive, don’t be angry with Anya, I asked her
And fuck, Joey really feels like shit right now. Everyone is going to worry about him and think he’s acting weird, which he’s doing. But he doesn’t know how to stop the process of pure panic in his mind. All he can do is keep on hiding.
I’m worried Joey, please
I’m sorry if I did… something wrong? We were good, I don’t understand Joey…
Two more days go by and Joey feels really bad even if he tries to tell himself that everything is his fault and that he knows that everything could be better if only he could stop himself of being a coward.
He tries to find an acceptable excuse to tell Henry to explain his strange behavior, but he finds none. He plans to tell him the truth and face Henry's coldness. He tries to make himself stronger for the rejection that will follow his revelation, but he doesn’t find the strength in him to face such a thing. During these last months Joey has become so well accustomed to the presence of Henry in his daily life, the man soothes him so much and makes him laugh… Henry simply makes his days sweet and better.
He feels horrible because Henry has finally stopped writing him texts, he has given up on him. It hurts, fuck it hurts so much.
Joey’s heart misses a beat when his phone suddenly chimes in the evening.
It’s about your last text, isn’t it?
Of course is it. What else could it be? Joey would never sacrifice their friendship for a trivial thing, he would apologize, even if it wasn’t his fault, he would do anything to arrange the things if they ever got into an argument. But it's not that, it's not that easy.
He should have answered Henry from the start and said it was nothing, thank him, laugh stupidly, and move on. He would have continued to be able to exchange with Henry and the weeks of self-isolation would have passed much faster than the endless and so sad days he inflicted himself.
Maybe I’m reading this all wrong Joey, but if it’s all because of the fact you wrote a ‘him’ and not a ‘her’, know that I don’t give a fucking shit ok? I’m not going to be a douche or a shitty co-worker because I know that thing of you.
I’m just sorry you accidentally outed yourself to me if you didn’t want me to know in the first place
I’m your friend Joey please answer me, let’s talk about it ok?
Or maybe not, let’s not talk about it? Whatever you want, I just miss you
At that text, Joey opens a pack of ice cream and eats the half of it in a record time, compulsively, drowning his anxiety.
Fuck don’t be ashamed of your text, it was rather funny that anything else if you wanna know, and also I’m really happy for you!
Do I know the guy? If it’s for that you’re ghosting me please stop, I’m not going to tell anyone I promise. I didn’t tell Anya
Ok, so you feel embarrassed, and I’m sorry… let’s move on? I’ll never speak about it if you don’t want me to
You know what, that’s not how I planned to tell you, but fuck it, you told me personal thing about you even if you didn’t want me to know, so I’m going to tell you something about me
I’m bisexual. Pansexual? Actually you know, I really don’t give a damn about labels, let’s say I’m sexually fluid? I've heard it’s a thing.
Joey's hand tightens around his phone. He stares at Henry's last message with wide open eyes. His mind becomes empty.
Fuck I don’t want you to imagine I’m telling you that only because I know you’re in love with a man… I just want you to feel comfortable with me, especially on this subject. I’m telling you because I trust you and I want to show you you can trust me back
Joey tries to think of a way to respond to this proof of confidence and this interesting, unexpected news. He can’t keep not answering him, not after such a proof of trust from Henry, not after… after a piece of hope may be back in Joey’s life.
His thumbs move over the screen slowly. He touches the screen and sends his message.
You’re the ‘him’.
He’s crazy. But he’s also an incorrigible romantic and when life shows him a slight hope, a thin sign, he tries to hold on to it even if he knows that there is a good chance that he will get hurt in the end.
I’m the ‘him’?
Yes…
I’m the ‘him’ you’re in love with.
Please
Please what?
I don’t know, shorten my sufferings I guess
Fuck I’m so relieved you’re finally texting me back, I missed you so much
I miss you, and I’m so sorry to be the worst friend of the universe
You’re not, I’m glad you answered. I’m… do you want to not be my friend?
What?
You’re my ‘him’
Please don’t play with me, please make it real
May I call you? I want to hear your voice, want to hear your breathing when I say it to you
What are you saying Henry
I’m gonna call you, love, please answer
I’ll answer
That must be destiny. What else could it be? That’s what Jaskier would think. But Joey’s life is not a fucking novel. Except when it is, a fairy tail. He thinks he’s going crazy, yet he can distinctly hear Henry's bewitching and beautiful voice on the phone whispering to him, softly, ‘I’m in love with you too, Joey’. And he’s forced to believe in Destiny.