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“I’m seriously so pissed off you think I’m Ryan sized,” Eddie grumbles from the couch with folded arms. “He looks half my size, asshole!”
Ryan gives his usual intro in the background, “This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved we investigate the Old CIty Jail in Charleston, South Carolina as part of our ongoing investigation into the question…. Are ghosts real?”
Eddie makes a face at the same time as “Shane” and Richie laughs at him.
“You’re a parody of yourself, Eduardo.”
“Shut the fuck up, dickwad! This whole show is seriously about proving that ghosts are real?”
“No, you talked over the whole intro! Ryan believes in the stuff, Shane doesn’t believe in the stuff. It’s like you and me!”
Eddie scrunches his nose and looks back at the screen. “So why does Shane investigate with Ryan if he doesn’t believe in the stuff at all, then?”
RIchie shrugs, “Maybe because they’re friends and he has fun with Ryan either way. Or maybe it’s just cuz it’s a show, Eds.”
“Shut up,” he mumbles, turning the TV up as it starts to go into the history of the old city jail.
Eddie’s eyes get really wide as the history begins, Richie watching him digest all the information. “You’re not scared are you, Eds?”
“Shhhhhh! Shut up, dumbass! A female convicted murderer? Why haven’t I heard of this???”
Richie smirks, resting an arm on the couch. “No idea, Eds, probably because you don’t care about ghost shit.”
“I care about history!”
“Most ghost shit is just history!”
“But ghosts aren’t real!”
“Oh shut up and watch the history.”
“OUIJA BOARDS??? Oh fuck that! Those are mass produced by Hasbro, I can’t fucking believe they think they summoned shit with a fucking hasbro brand toy!”
“ALL RIGHT GHOULS, THEY CALL ME SHANE. AND I’M GONNA SEND YA BACK TO HELL!” Shane screams from inside the jail. Eddie cackles to himself, “I am nothing like Shane…. You are way more like Shane! Shane is like you if you didn’t believe in the shit you do.”
Ryan starts beatboxing and Eddie shakes his head “Ugh, I don’t want to be like either of them.”
“Too bad, Eduardo. I hate to break it to you but you have some serious fuckin’ Ryan energy.”
“RYAN?”
“You’re small, angry, and you want to be taken seriously but there’s some awkward looking guy standing next to you cracking jokes that you don’t seem to find very funny but secretly really fuckin’ enjoy.”
“Shut the fuck up! God, I hate you. Ha, Ryan’s so scared. Who’s he even talking to?”
“The… ghosts, dumbass.”
“He’s the dumbass if he thinks he’s talking to ghosts and not just an empty room, dumbass.”
RIchie starts laughing at them claiming to be the internet’s paranormal bad boys.
“THE INTERNET’S PARANORMAL BAD BOYS??? But that’s us!”
“That’s NOT us! You shouldn’t even be using the fucking internet! Can I just watch the fucking show???”
“I thought you thought this shit was stupid.”
“I do! But I’m watching now, so shut up. How the fuck does that box work??”
“It’s a spirit box. It scans through AM and FM radio channels at high speeds to create white noise for spirits to communicate. You know how ghosts communicate through static and shit in that movie, ‘Poltergeist’?”
“IN WHAT FUCKING WORLD??? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“You’re no fun, Eds,” he chuckles.
“DO THEY SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THIS SHIT???”
They talk about the history of the basement, a young boy named Jeremiah the soldiers of the 54th Regiment. Eddie’s brows are furrowed, “That story’s so sad… Glory is such a good fucking movie.”
RIchie nods, “Yeah, never watched but I’ve always wanted to.”
“What the fuck is this EMF shit? What’s the pseudo science behind that??”
“It’s an Electromotive force detector, it ---”
“You don’t have anything like that, do you?”
“I mean, yeah I have a few devices that--”
“You’re so fuckin’ ridiculous.”
The story about Lavinia Fisher starts and Eddie pulls his knees in a little.
“Scared?” Richie smiles at him.
Eddie shakes his head and stares at the screen with wide eyes.
They watch Ryan and Shane try to communicate with Lavinia and her husband in the jail. Shane starts trying to seduce Lavinia and Eddie covers his face. “God, you are so much like that idiot.”
Richie laughs and lifts his own shirt up, “HEY! Look at these juicy little holes, Eds!”
Eddie shoves him away, “GROSS, get that out of here!”
Richie slaps his stomach, “Come on, Eds! If you were a ghost, wouldn’t you be aroused?”
“NO, NO I WOULD NOT!”
“Look at these little man craters, ripe for the pickin’!”
“YOU’RE SO FUCKING DISGUSTING!” They wrestle a little until Ryan and Shane reveal they have evidence. “Shut the fuck up and get off, I wanna see their fuckin’ “evidence”. I bet it’s just a moth or something.”
The ghost footage plays and Richie looks pretty compelled, “I think that might be the best thing they’ve caught yet.”
“WHAT THE FUCK??? Dude, it’s clearly just like… a light or something.”
“But Eds, there was no one there.”
“Oh I’m sorry, Rich, were you there? It looks like someone from their camera crew was just walking by and they forgot.”
“I don’t think this show works the way you think it does.”
“They probably just walked in front of the camera themselves, or someone random heard them in there and wanted to scare them! I bet they make a ton of money off of tourists, so the caretaker probably sends people to make fake ghost evidence for paranormal people or whatever. It’s like the easiest trick in the books. Haven’t you ever watched Scooby Doo?”
“You sound like Shane. Ryan says everyone is accounted for!”
“Yeah, but does he know where the caretaker is?”
“Eds, you’re such a charmer! C’MERE!”
“GET AWAY! Oh, they’re doing individual investigation? That’s kinda cool.”
Richie turns his attention back to the TV, watching Eddie pull his knees in again.
“Shane is such an ass. You would totally try to convince some ghosts to make me shit myself.”
“I’m not afraid of ghosts,” Richie laughs at Shane scaring Ryan and psyching him out. “Eds, would you be scared to be in there, hm? I gotta know.”
Eddie’s staring at the screen watching Ryan’s solo investigation now. “I wouldn’t be scared to be in there alone. There’s nothing in there…”
“You don’t sound too confident about that, Eds.”
Ryan starts screaming and they both start laughing. “I take it all back, Eds you are RYAN AS FUCK.”
Eddie’s laughing so hard, “Fuck YOU and fuck YOU!!! And fuck YOU!” He flips off Richie and Richie flips him off right back as Ryan hears a sound.
“Shane’s right about the human mind. He wants to find a ghost, he expects it, so he will. Ryan probably sees and experiences a ton of stuff just because he believes in it when there’s nothing there.”
Ryan starts screaming and yelling CHARGE, Eddie chuckling. “I want to bring that kind of energy to our next case.”
“You’ll give us away if you act like that. I would pay actual fucking american dollars to hear you scream and run around like that, that sounds so fucking funny.”
The ghoul boys start recounting the end of the episode, Richie laying his legs across the couch and Eddie seeming to be less tense as the outro begins. “But until then it will remain Unsolved.”
“What did you think?” Richie asks, kicking at Eddie’s side.
Eddie sighs and grabs the remote, “I guess we can watch another.”