Chapter Text
May 2018
“Right, I’ve left a list of what needs doing this morning on the kitchen table. Don’t think you being up all night means you can shirk your responsibilities.”
Robert tightened his grip on the baby monitor in his hand and nodded at his father.
“Seriously Rob,” Andy moaned, shrugging on his coat. “Can you not do something to get him to stop screeching when we’re trying to sleep?”
Robert barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Funnily enough, you can’t reason with a baby, Andy. I should know, I’ve been trying with you long enough.”
“Alright, don’t start,” Jack interjected gruffly, grabbing his keys from the counter. “We’ll be at the market until around noon at the latest, then we’re back straight after. Try not to cause any bother until then.”
“Maybe have some dinner ready for when we get back, too, eh?” Andy clapped Robert's back on his way out the door, only stopping to throw a smirk over his shoulder.
Robert gritted his teeth and didn’t say anything, watching the pair of them walk to the car and climb in. He watched Jack start the engine and reverse onto the main road. He watched the car drive away, holding his breath until it disappeared around the corner.
Then he sprang into action.
****
November 2017
It was safe to say, Robert’s life hadn’t quite worked out the way he’d expected. Just a few months earlier, he’d been full of plans for the future. For years he’d been saving as much money as he could – weekend work, odd jobs in the nearby villages, birthday money, doing other kids’ coursework in exchange for cash. Any penny he could get his hands on, he’d saved it. Just waiting for the day he had enough to get away.
Away from the farm he reluctantly called home, away from a father who never failed to find faults in him. Away from an adopted brother who thought he was better than Robert in every way and made sure he knew it. Away from the memories of a mother whose absence he felt so vividly it made him feel physically sick some days.
At seventeen, he’d had enough time out of school to take on even more work – when his dad wasn’t forcing him to help out on the farm, that was. He’d been so close to having enough saved to get into his car (an old banger that barely worked half the time, but he’d worry about that later) and drive away from his old life towards a new one. The one he was meant to have.
And then one day, a very pale Rebecca White had shown up on his doorstep with mascara smudged under her eyes and a scan in her hand.
Rebecca had never meant much to Robert one way or another; she was just the sister of his ex-girlfriend. Except. About three months earlier, Robert had decided to show his face at a house party Chrissie was throwing. It was probably a bad idea, considering their breakup had been a pretty nasty one (her catching him with his hand down Connor Jensen’s trousers probably had something to do with that), but he was bored, and it was an opportunity for a night away from home and some free booze. Chrissie’s dad’s house was so ridiculously massive, he doubted she’d even notice him in the crowd.
He’d milled around for awhile, knocking back drinks and chatting with people he hadn’t seen since his GCSE results day the year before. Trying to think of something to say other than still at the farm when they asked what he was up to these days. It wasn’t like he’d tell anyone he was planning on getting the hell out of this place sooner rather than later; he couldn’t risk that somehow getting back to Andy, which would mean it getting back to his dad.
It wasn’t until he was well on his way to wasted that he bumped into Rebecca, who was equally sloshed. One thing lead to another, and then, well. It wasn’t long before the two of them were locking Rebecca’s bedroom door and tumbling onto the mattress. And in all honesty, until that fateful day three months later, when she tearfully blurted out that she was pregnant with his child, he’d never given Rebecca White another thought.
The months that followed had been a blur of a red-faced Lawrence White screaming about what Robert had done to his precious daughter, Rebecca wringing her hands and panicking over her friends finding out, and the inevitable fallout that came with Robert’s family learning the truth. Jack shouting out words like disappointment, ashamed and how could you be so stupid, Robert? Diane shaking her head in concern and giving heavy sighs every time Jack’s face turned a deeper shade of red. Andy looking smug while his girlfriend, Katie, stood behind him (because apparently shagging Andy gave her the right to be involved in their family’s business) with barely concealed glee on her stuck up face. The only person who hadn’t acted like this wasn’t a total disaster was Victoria. But she was just a kid, all she really heard was the fact that she was about to be an aunt to a new baby and that was enough to make her happy. As far as anyone else was concerned, Robert Sugden had fucked up properly this time.
Robert had taken it all – the shocked faces, the frantic yelling, the looks of disappointment – in near silence. He was too lost in his own terror to focus too much on anyone else.
On the day the baby eventually arrived, in the early hours of the 9th November, Robert arrived at Rebecca’s hospital room at exactly 4:15am. She was staring at the impossibly small bundle lying in a little crib with an oddly blank expression on her face. As he walked over to the bed, heart in his throat, she’d looked up at him and said, “It’s a boy. His name’s Sebastian. Seb.”
“Okay. I like that,” He whispered, gingerly sitting down next to her legs.
“I’m not keeping him.”
“You – what?”
“Look, I’m sorry but I’m not cut out for this. I’m sixteen, I’ve got a life to live. I can’t give everything up to be a mum, I just can’t. So either you take him now or… Dad can call someone, have him put up for adoption. It’s up to you.”
And that had been that.
In a daze, Robert had called Diane, who drove to the hospital, bringing a new carseat with her, and took them both home. Although Robert had never been particularly close to his stepmother, not the way Andy and Victoria were, that day he was more grateful to her than words could say. She showed him how to feed and burp Seb, how to wash and change him, how to hold him properly. She dragged Victoria’s old cot out of the garage and into Robert’s room, scrubbing it clean and putting soft new blankets in it. She smiled down at Seb, calling him a bonny boy and rubbing Robert’s shoulder as he wondered if maybe, just maybe, he could do this.
Jack was out in the fields all day and didn’t put in appearance until long after teatime, poking his head around Robert’s bedroom door. “He all settled then?”
“Think so.”
“Right. Don’t bother Diane for the rest of the night; if the lad needs anything then you see to him, yes?” It’s your mess, you deal with it.
Robert swallowed thickly. “Yes.”
“Night then.”
“Night.”
And then it was just Robert and his son. God, his son. He was a dad. Seb’s dad.
As if on cue, soft cries came from the cot where Seb lay, and Robert darted over, picking him up and holding him as tightly as he dared. A few gentle bounces and shushing sounds were enough to quiet him again, but Robert didn’t put him back down. Instead he sat on his bed, carefully leaning back against the pillows and gazing down at the little boy snuffling in his arms.
“Hiya,” He whispered, hardly daring to breathe. “You don’t know me yet. But I’m your daddy. I’ll be honest, you weren’t exactly… part of the plan. There was other stuff I thought I’d be doing by now. But you… you changed everything. Everything’s about you from now on, okay?”
Seb blinked sleepily up at him, waving a tiny hand in the air until it hit Robert’s own hand, which seemed so giant in comparison. He listened to the sounds of Jack shuffling around downstairs, felt his bottom lip wobble as he stroked a finger against Seb’s.
“I might get it wrong sometimes, but I promise you, I won’t stop trying to be the best dad I can be. I won’t let you down, not now, not ever.”
Seb hand curled against Robert’s until it clenched onto Robert’s thumb, holding it in a shockingly tight grip. Robert let out a wet laugh and pressed a feathery light kiss to his son’s forehead.
“You’re my boy. And I love you.”
****
May 2018
Robert dragged every empty suitcase and bag he could find into his and Seb’s room, moving as quickly as he could without disturbing his son. As the six-month-old lay peacefully in his cot, Robert quickly started grabbing Seb’s belongings – every piece of clothing, every pair of shoes, every nappy, every bottle – and shoving them into the bags. He folded the changing mat and baby blankets, scrunching them up until they were as small as possible.
After checking that Seb was still content staring up at his mobile, kicking his little feet in the air, Robert stood back and bit his lip as he surveyed the amassing pile of belongings on the floor. How the hell was all of this going to fit in the car?
There was no way he could take the cot; the Moses basket would have to do for now, just until he could get himself sorted. His heart clenched as he realised he probably didn’t have room for all of Seb’s toys and books, either. He darted around the room, grabbing the ones he knew were his son’s favourites, silently vowing to buy him some new ones as soon as he was able.
When there was one empty backpack left, Robert turned to his wardrobe, pulling out as many clothes as he could fit inside. He also allowed himself the travel-sized toiletries he’d stocked up on the week before, his laptop and his old paperback of The Hobbit with a couple of photos of his mum and Victoria between the pages.
Once the bag was full, he pulled on a few extra clothes, layering jumpers over t-shirts. He’d be boiling within hours, but it couldn’t be helped. Shrugging his denim jacket over his now unusually bulky shoulders, he went to the dresser and pulled out the last things he’d need to keep – his passport and Seb’s birth certificate. Tucking them safely into one pocket and the baby monitor into the other, he started bounding up and down the stairs with the bags, getting them into his car as quickly as possible. It was a pain in the arse; he had to put the back seats down and do quite a lot of shoving, but he made it work.
When there was nothing left, Robert went back to his room, slowing down as he reached the cot and smiled at his son. “You have no clue what’s going on, do you?” Seb gurgled at him in response. “Thought as much. Right, let’s get you sorted, yeah?”
He moved Seb from the cot to the floor, putting on the little outfit that he’d laid out in preparation the night before. Once he’d buttoned up Seb’s cosiest onesie – the one with teddy bear ears that Victoria had happily purchased with her pocket money – he picked him up and made his way back to the cot, leaning over to unscrew the baby mobile with one hand, its tiny plush sheep knocking together as he took it off. “Don’t worry, you know I wouldn’t leave this behind.”
With the mobile slung over one arm and his son in the other, he spared one last glance around the room that he would probably never see again. Let his eyes wander over the piles of comics on the shelves and faded football posters on the wall, before shaking his head and going down the stairs once more. Jack’s car could reappear at any moment, he didn’t have time for this.
It wasn't long before the baby mobile was wedged in the footwell of the car, Robert was behind the wheel and Seb was settled in his car seat with his favourite stuffed giraffe for company. Robert slid the key into the ignition and hesitated. He took a moment to imagine Jack seeing the note he’d left on the kitchen table, Diane’s face when she saw the ransacked bedroom, Victoria’s tears when she found her own note that he’d tucked under her pillow (he didn’t trust Jack to give it to her if it was left with the one for the rest of the family). God, he hoped she’d understand.
A whine from Seb startled him out of his daze. “Sorry mate, Daddy’s just being daft. We're going.” After one last check that he had his wallet and phone, he took a breath, started the car and turned onto the road. He didn't look back.