Work Text:
i sit alone, slumped down
and i break myself down with these thoughts
it was two a.m., and he was at the dance studio, perfecting the choreography for their debut song. he was the latest trainee, the newest band member to the “bulletproof boyscouts”. but right now, he felt like he was anything but bulletproof. he felt like an afterthought to the group.
though his bandmates tried their best to welcome him, he felt like an outsider. the choreographer’s favorite line seemed to be “jimin, this is hip-hop. leave your contemporary skills outside this studio and then start.” his face seemed too round, his features too soft, his voice too light and his dancing too fluid to be hip-hop.
the more he thought about how unworthy he was, the worse he seemed to get.
-
you probably don’t even know
when you started hurting me
jimin really didn’t mind going on a diet, he didn’t mind exchanging food for extra hours at the gym. his intention of going on a diet was to be more positive about himself once he started to look better.
it did the opposite.
every morning, jimin couldn’t help but look at himself at the mirror after showering, couldn’t help but check his weight before stepping outside the bathroom. at first, he made himself eat half of what he’d usually eat. he’d have a cheat day once a week. as time passed and as the number of days left to their music video shooting grew lesser and lesser, so did the amount of food he ate. the decrease was gradual- it was two meals a day, then one meal a day, then meal in two days, in three days. the more weight he decreased, the less he cared about his own wellbeing, the more eager he was to measure his weight every morning, getting sad if it showed no decrease.
the limit hit when he fainted in the middle of recording. the day was hot and the small studio was suffocating, and jimin hadn’t eaten in ten days. his bandmates had tried to convince him to eat, seokjin making his favorite meal and taehyung buying him dumplings, but he refused. “i’m the abs of this group, jinhyung and tae-ah, i can’t eat much if i want to make our fans go wild.” he would reply in a light tone. his consciousness came back to his hyungs trying to get him more air by opening all the small windows, taehyung on the verge of tears, and jungkook about to dump a bottle of cold water on his head. by the time he finished eating and drank water, taehyung was crying tears of relief, and jungkook was threatening him to never do something like that again or else.
jimin didn’t realise something as normal as a diet could affect him and his bandmates so much.
-
you're also hurting, 'cause you're mine
i just want to blow your mind
it affected jimin to eat everyday. he was put on a diet, but taehyung refused to let jimin follow such an extreme one. tae said it hurt him to see his best friend torture himself everyday, that it was almost like jimin was hurting him along with himself.
slowly, taehyung’s little words of reassurance turned into shared beds and hidden cuddles at night. cuddles turned to kisses on the forehead, which slowly turned into stolen kisses on the lips. kisses were accompanied by late night confessions of love, and before they knew it, each would call the other his soulmate.
and jimin tried his best to eat, for his own sake, not only taehyung’s. he reached out for help, he went to therapy, and slowly got better. he started at one meal a day, which grew to two, then to three. he was healthy.
-
you're only drifting further away like this
i say that it's all fine
the truth is that's a lie
“taehyungie, do you think i look fat?”
he sounded scared.
it was the june of 2016, and the two were cuddling after a long day of practice, too tired to talk. it wasn’t the first time jimin had questioned that, and both of them knew that.
taehyung knew something had been bothering him. this happened sometimes. jimin would act like everything was fine and give general responses when everyone asked, but he’d become silent, less clingy, buried so deep in thoughts that even hoseok’s smiling face and cheery squeals wouldn’t bring him back. taehyung, himself, would get like that at times, and he was dependent on jimin for the cuddles and comforting words.
jimin saw taehyung scrunch his nose a little, before he replied, “why should it matter?”
“i saw some replies the other day, under my post on twitter. few called me chubby. tae-ah, am i losing my attractiveness by eating too much? should i start dieting again?”
taehyung sighed.
“it’s just that you- not only you, all the members- look so pretty, tae. you don’t seem to get affected when you get called chubby and fat, because you know it isn’t true. what if the reason why i’m affected is because it is true?”
“min, listen. getting chubbier doesn’t make you less attractive. if anything, it makes me want to kiss your tiny cheeks and your little belly even more. you’re beautiful irrespective of what you look like, love.”
jimin buried his face in the crook of taehyung’s neck, a small smile on his face, his anxiety dissolving as his soulmate hugged him tighter.
“i love you no matter what. you know that, right?”
“i know, tae. i love you as much as i love the moon and the stars.”, jimin whispered in return, reaching up and planting the tiniest of kisses on taehyung’s lips.
“minnie, you are my moon and stars”
the two fell asleep with smiles on their faces.
-
i want you to be your light
you should be your light
so you won't hurt anymore,
so you can smile more
jimin got better, eventually. the need to start dieting stopped. he rarely questioned himself on whether he looked chubby. it didn’t matter to him so much anymore. he knew that there would be times when he would be dissappointed about things, but he didn’t let that worry ruin him from being happy.
his bandmates’ appraisal would always cheer him up, and so would taehyung’s compliments, but he wasn’t dependent on them for his happiness. he was his own light, his own true, permanent source of happiness, and he stopped hurting and started smiling.
-
i want you to be your night
you could be your night
tonight, with you, i’ll be honest
when jimin got nightmares as a kid, his parents were in another room and he was too scared to walk, he’d look up at the moon and the stars, and they’d comfort him.
the stars were forever- twinkling slightly, but forever. later in life, as he grew older, the stars became the embodiment of hope in his heart. hope when his voice didn’t reach the notes, when the idea of actually reaching out in the world was impossible. invisible when there was light, but present to get him through during the darkest of times.
then there was the moon. always changing phases, sometimes not seen at all, but always present, somewhere. jimin saw himself in the moon. he knew how easy it was to lose himself in the dark, and he learned, over years filled with many nights of crying himself to sleep due to the disappointment of not getting a choreography right, getting acne right before a photoshoot, getting into small fights with his bandmates when playfulness went a word too far. the only one he could count on, forever and always, was the moon, was himself.
taehyung was his own mikrokosmos, just like jimin was his own small universe, just like everyone in the world were their own mikrokosmos. the universe, jimin thought, was just kind enough to place seven mikrokosmoses close to each other, among which taehyung’s and jimin’s mikrokosmoses shined brightly for each other.
________________
it took jimin a whole month to complete his first song. nobody but namjoon knew about it until a few days before the song was out. jimin felt like namjoon was the easiest to explain his feelings to. the leader would just listen until jimin was done speaking, and then he’d give his suggestions. often, he didn’t even have to do that. namjoon would be there while jimin thought out loud and wrote the lyrics down word by word, sometimes helping him only with the english.
in the end, it was jimin who had compiled the song. nobody had listened to the final result.
it was christmas- six days prior to the release, five days to taehyung’s birthday, when jimin called him to the roof of their building. he took out his phone- each sharing one of their earphones- and pressed play.
-
now promise me
several times a day
even if you feel that you are alone
don't throw yourself away
hold on for a moment
intertwine our pinkies
and promise me now
pinkies intertwined, tear-filled eyes looking into each other’s, an unspoken promise was made, between each other and to their own selves.