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It’s been ages since she’d last seen her best friend. Minori had moved on to university—located cities and towns and worlds away—with a softball scholarship. This, obviously, was wonderful for Minori. She’s still happy beyond words for her.
(sometimes, though, she wishes minori never left.)
With how busy they all have been, there’s really no one to blame for the last several months being spent without seeing each other.
One weekend in December, though, she her phone buzzes with a very enthusiastic Minori.
“You guys should come over for Christmas!” she squeals. “I’m inviting Ami, too. Kitamura is still in America, so I doubt he’ll be able to come... I’ll still ask, though. We can meet up in my dorm on Christmas Eve and then go out to eat. There are a ton of super good restaurants nearby that I wanna show all of you!”
It sounds wonderful, and she can already feel her stomach growl for a taste of Minori’s favorites. She’s about to agree, since she wouldn’t give up any opportunity to see her best friend again, but—
Damn. She had told Yasuko that she and Ryuuji were free, so they had been planning on staying at her place from before Christmas Eve until after New Year’s.
She hasn’t seen her best friend in so long, though.
Ryuuji goes over to his mom’s place every so often to cook for her, so he will understand, right?
(ryuuji wants to see minori just as much as she does, right?)
“Oh, Minorin, that sounds like fun!” she replies. “I’ll get back to you as soon as I make sure we’re free.”
“Alright, take your time, Taiga! It’d be so awesome if all of us could make it. I’ve got a lot of spare blankets and stuff, so you guys should stay a few days—I’d love to spend New Year’s with you guys, too. And say hi to your boyfriend for me!”
“‘Course,” she says, ignoring how warm her face is growing.
For some reason, she still can’t get used to the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing, which is dumb, considering how long she and Ryuuji have been together.
And Minori knows that—how embarrassed she gets. Then again, what doesn’t she know?
The two of them share goodbyes and hang up.
~
There's nothing Taiga wants more than to make Ryuuji smile. After months of treating him like her servant, the guilt she feels still eats at her.
She's working on the aggression thing. She really is.
Sometimes Ryuuji comments on it, a little remark about how she laughs more nowadays, and wow, Taiga, thanks for making lunch. I know you hate cooking. The little things keep her spirits up, keep her from listening to the voice in her head telling her that she'll never be able to change from the angry girl she had been known as.
She's already planning on what to do during the winter trip: what to pack, where to go, what to buy for the gang. She's so excited, in fact, that the whole yeah, count Kitamura out issue has already slipped her mind. Or, at least, she pretends like it does. She'll deal with it when the time comes.
~
She asks Ryuuji that night about the trip, soon after he returns from work. If she’s honest, she’ll admit that she really didn’t expect him to do anything else but wholeheartedly agree.
To her surprise, he hesitates.
A lot.
“Taiga,” he says, voice uncertain. “I would really feel bad if I left Yasuko alone for Christmas. That, and New Year’s?”
“Well, I mean . . .” She doesn’t know what to say.
“Could it be a few days before or after the holidays, maybe?”
She purses her lips. She’s almost certain that Minori will still have classes or exams or something going on during the days leading up to break.
“Pretty sure we can’t do that.” She sighs. “Ryuuji, please? It’s been so long since we’ve seen Ami or Minorin. Don’t you miss them?”
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen Yasuko, too,” he mutters. “Besides, I’m not sure it’s the best idea to have the three of you stuck together for a long time.”
“Ryuuji, we’re all adults,” she stresses. “And didn’t you go see Yasuko a few days ago?”
His eyebrows scrunch together. “No,” he says, confused.
She rolls her eyes. “You literally went over to her place, like, two days ago.”
“I cooked and left,” he shoots back. He’s less confused and more pissed off. “I almost never see her anymore since our work schedules overlap. When I come back from work, she’s still out, and by the time I have to leave, she’s still passed out in her room.”
Oh.
“Oh,” she says. It's not her finest moment.
He grunts. “Yeah.”
“Well, we could cut the trip in half or something,” she suggests, before remembering that the train station doesn’t open over break. “Ah. Never mind.”
“I promised her,” he mumbles. “I know how much Yasuko was looking forward to it . . .”
He doesn’t want to go to Minori’s, she can tell that much. And even if he did, she knows the thought of disappointing Yasuko would hold him back from having fun.
She considers letting him go to Yasuko’s while she goes to Minori’s... but this is their first Christmas together, as a real couple, and she won’t give that up for anything.
In her desperation, she blurts, “Kitamura will be there!”
His eyes widen. “You’re sure?”
(she knows how desperate he’s been to see his old friend.)
“Absolutely certain.”
(she feels like a terrible girlfriend.)
“Fine.” He takes a slow, deep breath while closing his eyes. “I’ll go. I’ll call Yasuko to apologize tomorrow.”
(that’s all it took?)
Pushing aside all other thoughts, she smiles and hugs him tight, thanking him over and over again.
“Stop, you idiot,” he groans as he ruffles her hair. “It’s really whatever, I guess.”
~
Kitamura can’t come.
She has spent the better part of two hours talking to him, trying find a way, but he seriously, honestly, simply cannot. It would be way too expensive for him to fly over for only a few days during the holiday season, and he has midterms right after break. Traveling so far—not to mention the hassle—would be exhausting.
By this point, she’s run out of reasons to try to convince him to come. With one last spurt of hope, she says, again, “Ryuuji really, really wants to see you.”
She can almost feel his exasperation radiating through the phone.
“For the last time, Taiga, I really, really want to see him too. I want to see all of you. You know that. Like I said, though, I really, really can’t. I’m sorry, Taiga.”
Goddammit. She doesn’t have any steam left. She had told Ryuuji to go to bed before her, to his confusion, and she has been speaking in whispers to Kitamura ever since she was certain Ryuuji fell asleep. That was a while ago.
“That’s alright,” she sighs. “It’s alright.”
“Again, sorry, Taiga. Happy holidays, though.”
“You, too. Goodnight.”
She hangs up before he replies.
(she doubts that he has anything more to say.)
~
She should tell him. She really should, and she’s aware.
Something’s holding her back, though. Ever since the phone call, her throat seizes up whenever Ryuuji so much as glances at her—it’s on the tip of her tongue, she wants to admit she lied, but she can’t.
The voice is back, and it’s laughing at her. It calls her pathetic in the worst ways it can conjure, pathetic for lying and for not telling him and for thinking she could tell him in the first place.
As they settle around the small dinner table the next day, Ryuuji eyes her, and the weary look is back. She hates it. She thinks her throat closes on the spot, leaving just enough space to breathe but not enough to force out a single syllable. She forces a wry smile and picks up her chopsticks.
I’m sorry, she wants to yell. She wants to scream it to his stupid, concerned face and get on her knees and tell him to stay back.
And the worst part is that part of her is happy—part of her doesn’t want to tell him because they’ll go on the trip and everything can be perfect. Sure, Ryuuji will be pissed, but that’s nothing new because Taiga always manages to screw up somehow, but for a moment, everything could be perfect.
She falls asleep that night with a tear-soaked pillow and a running nose. It’s gross, she knows, but she’s not about to leave the bed for a tissue when Ryuuji could walk in at any moment and see her gross, tear-soaked face.
And she holds her tongue another day.
~
She’s tempted to pretend like she’s sick by the time Christmas Eve rolls around, even though she and Ryuuji are all ready.
The other day, they had gone to buy gifts for everyone except for each other—she’d done that on a separate trip. Of course, that had included something for Kitamura. She’s too ashamed to admit to Ryuuji that she had lied.
Once she sees her best friend from the bus window, though, she forgets all of her worries.
“Minorin!” she screeches, even though Minori probably can’t hear her through the bus and everyone is now staring and Ryuuji is holding his face in his hands, pretending like he doesn’t know her.
As soon as the bus comes to a stop, she’s racing down its stars and straight into Minori’s arms.
“Taiga!” she squeals, and Taiga feels so good to have her best friend.
(in this moment, she thinks of nothing else.)
~
Even with Minori being as cheerful as ever, Taiga’s visibly uncomfortable. None of them wish to address why that may be, so they continue to trek on. Maybe, though, it’s just her paranoia. Maybe no one notices. She likes that thought, so she focuses on it and blocks out everything else.
Kitamura, obviously, never shows up. The more time that passes, the more discomfort and confusion becomes prominent on Ryuuji’s face, though he tries to hide it.
They eat dinner in a small, charming restaurant. The food is even better than she had hoped.
Ryuuji and Minori engage in casual conversation about current happenings, new movies—Taiga, along with Ami, end up playing mobile games and stop paying attention to what they’re talking about.
She freezes, though, when she catches Kitamura’s name.
“—’s doing pretty well now, so I’m glad,” Minori says.
She feels the color drain from her face, and she tries to hide her face in her hair.
“Oh, he is?” Ryuuji replies, straight-faced. He glances at Taiga out of the corner of his eye. “Speaking of which, I actually had thought Kitamura was coming tonight… did something happen?”
“Aw, nah. He couldn’t make it, but I wish he could’ve. I asked him when I asked Taiga about you two-” (she pretends she’s not listening.) “—but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be coming no matter how much I wanted him to. I told Taiga that, too.”
Ryuuji nods slowly. She holds her breath.
To her surprise, instead of calling her out on her bull, he simply says, “I see. That’s a shame, I was really looking forward to seeing him.”
He doesn’t even look back at Taiga. She doesn't know whether she’s terrified or relieved, below her suffocating guilt. Her mind screams, cackling at her, fury and mockery all in one. She doesn’t know which makes her feel worse.
You had it coming.
~
He hasn’t looked at her since then.
It’s almost midnight, still Christmas Eve, and the four of them are crowded around Minori’s small dorm television. Taiga realizes, with dread, how few times she has been on the receiving end of his anger.
She’s almost certain that no one else has noticed the shift in Ryuuji’s mood. As expected, he’s subtle about things like this. She still feels ice radiating off his skin, though. She swears his laugh has a certain tenseness, and when he smiles, it isn’t all the way.
In the midst of all this, she tries to pretend like she doesn't notice any of it. She keeps to herself, as she often does, sometimes chattering with the two girls.
(she doesn’t say anything to ryuuji because she’s too scared about what he would say and what if he doesn’t forgive her what if he’ll be angry forever what if this is the end what if she blew it what if what if what if what if)
If she distracts herself enough, maybe she can convince herself that everything’s alright. It’s worth a shot.
She sleeps in a messy pile of blankets and pillows. She ends up next to Ryuuji, and she’s certain that the only reason he doesn’t move to another spot is to not worry the others.
While the three girls stay up discussing dumb things, he lies there, facing the wall, away from Taiga. She can tell by his breathing that he hasn’t yet fallen asleep. He still hasn’t by the time, hours later, that she does.
Even so, he doesn’t wish her or the others a merry Christmas at midnight, so she doesn’t either.
~
When she wakes up, she decides that she won’t let anything—or anyone—ruin her Christmas. She greets everyone, including Ryuuji, with a big smile and hug. One returns it with equal enthusiasm, one reluctantly pats her back with an awkward smile, and one forces a grin and pretends like nothing is wrong.
They’ll get along for today, worry tomorrow. Or sometime after that.
She receives a phone accessory from Minori, a shirt from Ami, and a necklace from Ryuuji with a small, silver dragon coiled around its pendant.
Taiga laughs as she gives her present, in a simple little box, to Ryuuji. When he opens it, he finds a thin bracelet with a gold tiger’s head at the center.
For the first time in a long time—how long ago? years? that’s what it felt like, at least—Ryuuji smiles, chuckling at how similarly they thought.
That night, the four of them are spread across the common room of the dorm, watching old, cheesy Christmas films with a large array of sweets and snacks. Taiga drifts off to sleep in the middle of A Christmas Carol, right next to Ryuuji.
The next day, Ryuuji tells the rest of them that he’s taking a taxi home to spend New Year’s with Yasuko. The others whine, but Taiga doesn't say much. If anything, she kind of expected this. Even though taxis are usually too expensive for Ryuuji to consider, he’d give anything and everything for his mom.
(even his and taiga’s first new year’s day together.)
Taiga’s grateful for the girls’ lack of questions regarding her indifference when Ryuuji packs up. She wouldn’t have known what to tell them, but she knows they’re still curious.
She stops him just before he gets into the taxi. She sprints from the apartment’s inside to where Ryuuji stands with the car door open. She’s grateful that she made it before he left.
She ignores the confusion of Minori and Ami, heart set on getting to him regardless of what happens after.
“Taiga, what are you doing?” he asks, voice holding little warmth in the chill of December.
“Ryuuji…” she says. “I… what does it look like I’m doing?”
“I really don’t know anymore, Taiga. Enlighten me.”
She pretends like there isn’t sarcasm dripping from his words. “I just…”
She takes a breath. She can’t remember the last time she apologized to him.
(there have been plenty of times where she ought to have, but didn’t. really, what kind of girlfriend are you? )
“I’m sorry, but I really should go,” his voice cuts through her thoughts. He lets go of the taxi door, and leans in to give a quick apology to the driver, who nods and puts the taxi in park. “I don’t want to be rude, Taiga.”
“No, no, you idiot!” she yells, burying her hands in her face. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I’m really sorry, you don’t even know.”
He raises his eyebrows and crosses his arms over his chest.
“You’re right,” he says, leaning against the outside of the taxi. “I really don’t know. So if you don’t have anything else to say—”
“Shush for just one minute, please, ” she begs. She hates that her voice cracks. Who are you, some kind of weakling?
He doesn’t say anything, so she takes this as a cue to continue.
“I just really, really want to apologize,” she says. “I knew that Kitamura wasn’t coming, but I really, really wanted to be with you and Minori for the holidays... but I didn’t consider how much you wanted to see Yasuko.” She looks down at her shoes. “It was selfish. I was selfish. I’m really sorry, Ryuuji.”
She wants to look him in the eye, but for some reason, she just can’t bring herself to do so.
She hears him sigh. He doesn’t say that he forgives her, but he doesn’t say that he won’t forgive her, either.
“Taiga...” he mutters. She feels his hand rest on her head, taking her by surprise. “You really are an idiot, you know?” he says, ruffling her hair.
She nods. He continues.
“I won’t say it’s okay that you lied, because it’s not. I’m glad you apologized, though. So thanks, I guess. Stuff happens.” His voice is so quiet that it’s barely a whisper. “And I’ll still see Yasuko for New Year’s, so I guess it’s not all terrible.”
She sighs a deep, deep sigh. In her mind, it's quiet. Something's lifted off her chest and she feels like she hasn't been able to breathe this easily in weeks.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ryuuji. I owe you such a big favor for coming, you don’t even know!” She hugs him and buries her face in his chest.
“It’s nothing,” he replies.
Taiga squints at him. "It's not, though. It's a lot. It's everything. You—you're, just. Everything. Just—take the thank you, please." Her face is red, and God, she's really not used to being open like this.
It's a nice feeling. Once she gets over the initial embarrassment.
Ryuuji places a hand under her chin and and lifts her head until the two of them finally meet eyes. It's quiet, so quiet, why is it so quiet, what is Ryuuji doing, Taiga thinks—
"Cute," he deadpans.
Taiga smacks him lightly, rosy cheeks and smile giving away her happiness as she tsks.
“As for the favor, though," Ryuuji continues, "damn right, you owe me.”
They laugh, bells around them and twinkling eyes like the holiday lights up and down the streets.
“Actually, how about,” he says, cheeks turning the slightest bit pink. “I cash it in now?”
With that, he places his hands on her hips and leans down for a kiss, long and sweet in the driveway of a strange snowing day.
~
She kisses him one more time before he leaves, and they hold each other tight. The embrace is warmer and cozier than any fireplace Taiga’s ever known, and honestly, it might as well already be New Year’s Day.
(they’ll see each other soon.)