Chapter Text
Feel free to skip this little intro and go right on to the first chapter, but this does include some info on how this whole thing is set up since it's a little strange and I don't want to confuse people.
(If you just want that info and not my sentimental ramblings, skip down until you see FORMAT)
If you want more info on specific trigger warnings for each version of a chapter, please follow the link in the notes of each version, to my Tumblr post for that chapter that will go into more explanation.
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Okay…. Oooh boy... I’ll admit, y’all, I’m a little nervous about this one. All my Fairgame stories have special meaning to me but this one just hits different.
What are now the first four chapters of Love is Being Scared and Loving Anyway ( I usually refer to it as simply Loving Anyway) were originally one big beast, with three parallel versions.
This was the first thing I started writing about a week after Ch 12. It was the first fanfic (aside from a short drabble here or there) that I’d written in nearly six years.
(Side note, I feel so much more confident writing Clover now than when I started this in February, and this fic is a very big part of that.)
I was in a very bad place, as I know a lot of us were, and I felt like I was drowning in old trauma that had gotten stirred up and blindsided me. And before I could read ‘fix-its’, or draw comics, or be active in the fandom, I had to find a way to get out of that place again.
So I took old journals and rants and iPhone notes, and I just started writing, trying to figure out how to get through the things I didn’t know how to deal with.
And the thing that worked was seeing how these two characters, that had come to mean so much to me, might help each other through similar trauma.
I talked myself out of many thought spirals by pretending it wasn’t me, but them.
Those first docs, of course, are very different, stream-of-consciousness monsters (Qrow’s pov especially, I kept these color-coded and that original doc was just a red wall of thought process brain dump) than this final product, but the core is all still there. There are multiple lines or scenes that are pulled right from my old grief journals. The majority of the major beats somehow mirror events in my own life. (I basically write about my own trauma professionally, and I put that into practically all of my FG work.)
I don’t actually know what I’m trying to say here... but this story is… It means a lot to me.
I’m excited (and nervous) to finally start getting to share it with people.
And my biggest hope for it is that maybe it can provide even just a fraction of the catharsis and support for some of you, as it has for me. <3
I have this hard to explain aversion to calling my work angst. It’s not necessarily wrong, and I’m not really upset if people call it such, because I see why they would.
But to me, it’s not. I have nothing against angst, and it absolutely has its own important role in fandom work. But to me, angst is more the hurt without the comfort. Angst is the one that leaves you crying because everything was sad but it was beautifully so, even though it didn’t end happily. I have for a number of years now avoided true angst almost completely. It’s just not what I need anymore.
This might be something that’s only important to me, but it is nonetheless. My work might have its very intense, heavy, gut-punch moments. They may not get resolved by the end of each chapter. But they all serve a purpose, and they all work towards a happier, healthier, more stable end. You might have to wait a little, but I will ALWAYS make the comfort more than match the hurt. It’s the entire reason I write any of it at all.
I worry sometimes that this thing might get too heavy sometimes, and that I start to lean over into that gratuitous angst, that I try to avoid, but in the end?
This is a fix-it. It is about healing. It’s just very open and raw about how messy that process can be.
FORMAT
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Okay, so. I started writing this first chapter as one big long fic. And as it continued I realized I needed to change things. To do what I wanted, what I needed, I needed to get a deeper view of Clover and Qrow’s individual povs. So I ended up with three versions of the same story.
When I realized just how heavy parts of this were, and that I wanted to publish this, I struggled to figure out the best way to do so. I didn’t want to censor the emotional weight and raw descriptions but I also wanted people to be able to read the story, even if they didn’t feel comfortable with the heavier, more ‘graphic’ parts of it.
( I use ‘graphic’ here a little loosely. There is no violence or even severe injury. But it does get into internal thought processes during a panic attack/flashback. And there are sections (almost all in Qrow’s pov) that have more detailed descriptions of Ch 12 and a level of body awareness that I’m thinking of as ‘body horror’ just to be safe. )
But eventually, I realized how I could use these multiple versions to help achieve this.
So here’s a quick rundown of how this fic will be uploaded and organized.
This 'series' will eventually be the full fic (with possibly some extra add-ins).
Each individual 'work' is a chapter and will be labeled accordingly. Povs will be posted as individual 'chapters' of these works.
(So the work for Chapter 1 will have 3 chapters (Clover, Omniscient, Qrow)
So when I refer to a ‘chapter’ I am meaning the entire work, all versions included. When I refer to a ‘version’ it will be by pov, but these versions will technically be posted as chapters of the same work.
(I hope that makes sense… you’ll see what I mean, it’s really not as convoluted as it sounds when you spell it out.)
The versions of Chapters 1-4 have an important distinction between them.
(Not all chapters will have povs going forward. Pov versions going forward may or may not work the same way as they do in the first four chapters, as most future chapters won’t require such extensive tagging.)
Each version is a different level of intensity in regards to trigger warnings.
They all cover the same plot (aside from Clover and Qrow’s povs not including a section here or there that they were not present for) but are each written with a different level of description.
The trigger warnings on the entire work will generally apply to all versions, though each version might not require some specific tags.
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First is Clover’s pov. (Shorthand is LA Ch. 1A) (I may never use these where people will see it, but just in case you see me say it somewhere, this is what it means)
This is the lightest version. There are still many of the same trigger warnings that apply to the other versions but here they are shorter or given less description.
There is has no direct mention of Ch 12 in this version.
If you are wary about the heavier versions, I suggest you start here and then decide whether or not to read the other versions.
The only scene missing from this version is a scene right at the beginning, that centers on Qrow’s state of mind as he wakes up.
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Second is the Omniscient version. (LA Ch. 1B)
This version is the medium trigger warning. It goes into more detail than Clover’s but still keeps those sections relatively short.
There is minor mention and very minor description of Ch 12 and Clover’s death in this version.
The only scene missing here is right at the beginning, of Clover getting to Qrow’s room.
If you know you want to read all three versions, I suggest starting here and then going to Clover’s and finishing with Qrow’s, but you can read in any order.
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Lastly is Qrow’s pov. (LA Ch. 1C)
This is by far the heaviest and goes into the most detail.
This version gets the most into Qrow’s state of mind and has the most emotionally/mentally ‘graphic’ descriptions. As well as a couple of places that get a little closer to the realm of body horror/gory as in descriptions beyond just blood mentions. Neither of those places are in regards to Clover.
There is the most mention and description of Ch 12 and Clover’s death here (though even these, while more vivid, are still relatively short).
There are a number of scenes that are not included here as Qrow is not present or aware of them.
While you can read just this version, I recommend reading at least one of the others to fill in the gaps.
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As of right now, I have about 25 chapters planned (not including alternate versions). Of what I have written so far the first four chapters (all having these three versions) are by far the heaviest.
Check the notes at the top of each version for further info on trigger warnings specific to that version (this may sometimes be in the form of a Tumblr link so that there’s not a huge wall of text in the notes).
I’ve done my best to be overly thorough with tagging, and trying to match each version to the appropriate level of description. But always let me know if you feel there’s a tag I should include or something I have missed.
I hope you like it. Take care of yourself! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️