Chapter Text
My dearest Oichi,
You know I have never been fond of the meaningless rigmarole you’re supposed to start a letter with, so I will get straight to the point.
I have been very ill for the past few days. At first I thought nothing of it, but my mysterious malady got worse very quickly, to the point that I have been brought to think these might be my final days in this life.
I am not scared of death, one might even say I have been waiting for it. However, I would be so glad, in ways I cannot even describe, if you could find it in your heart to come hold your mother’s hand during her last moments.
I know it is a lot to ask, but I am certain your good deeds will not go unnoticed. The Awakened favors those who are compassionate, and you’ve always been so, so kind, my little bird.
I cannot wait to see you,
Your mother, Ohana
Nobunaga had lost count of how many times he’d read that short letter his sister had handed him. She had barged in his room just after dinner, worried sick as she mumbled that a messenger had come from the temple their mother lived in, bearing horrible news, and he should read that letter quick, quicker, and please tell her that she had read wrong, that their mother wasn’t really dying.
“Nobunaga, say something,” she whispered, her voice shaky, “please.”
He had always had a way with words. Motivating soldiers before a battle, negotiating peace treaties, convincing traders to settle in his territory had never been a problem for him. However, he was utterly helpless when it came to helping someone in his family.
“What can I say, snowflake? If you want to go, I can arrange your departure for tomorrow morning.” He tried to avert his eyes several times, but they kept going back to that damned letter. “And before you ask, no, you can’t go tonight. It’s too dangerous.”
If it were up to him, he’d never allow her to go. Traveling was already dangerous enough by itself, but this time of the year, when most of the streets had frozen over and light only lasted for a few hours a day, it was out of the question.
However, he knew there was no way of keeping Oichi from doing what she wanted once she’d made up her mind.
Shaking with rage, she leaned forward to tear the letter away from his hands. She tried to throw it away, out of his sight, but it landed just beside her knees.
“Look at me!” she shouted. “She’s dying, do you understand that? How can you be so calm? I can’t believe you’d-”
“Oichi, stop.” He did his best to keep his voice down, he didn’t want to start a fight. Not with her. Not now. “I said I’ll let you go. Tomorrow. Try to sleep now, I’ll handle everything for you.”
“I don’t want you to handle anything, you idiot!” she cried, “I just want you to care! I’m sorry if it’s too much to ask of you!”
When the echo of her voice died away, the room fell into a heavy silence. She looked at him waiting for an answer, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He didn’t have anything more to say.
“You really don’t understand, do you?” She took a deep breath, “She’s your mother too! You should be worried, you should go see her. Why do you speak as though this is just my business?”
It dawned on him just in that moment, that he was supposed to care about that woman, to be devastated that she was about to pass away, to be rushing to her hoping it wasn’t already too late. That this was what Oichi had wanted from him ever since she’d stepped into his room.
Well, she’d be disappointed.
“I didn’t read my name anywhere on that letter. I can’t see how this is any of my business.”
Oichi looked up, feigning a sudden interest in the ceiling’s structure, but Nobunaga knew her well enough to see that she was trying to hold back tears.
“I’ve always wondered… What did she do to you? Why-” her voice threatened to break, and she blinked a few times before continuing. “-why are you so angry that you won’t even come see her die?”
To be fair, she didn’t do anything.
But she liked to remind him that nobody would care if he died, because he had eleven brothers who could take his place as the clan heir and would probably do a lot better than him.
She often told him how embarrassed she was by his erratic behavior, how she wished he could be normal and get rid of his ‘ridiculous obsession for the lower classes’.
She never had the guts to say it to his face, but after Nobuyuki’s death, he heard her say various times that the wrong son had survived, and she could never be happy again.
He could tell Oichi all of that. Surely she would understand. She always did, or at least tried to. But it would be too cruel, even for him, to spoil the idealized image she had of their mother just when she was about to leave this world.
“Let’s just say, she wasn’t as good a mother to me as she was to you.”
“Well, it’s not like you were a good son to her,” she blurted out, covering her mouth with her hand immediately afterwards. “I’m sorry, I… I didn’t mean that.”
“What did you mean then?”
He regretted asking that question the exact moment it left his lips. He already knew the answer, he’d heard it so many times in those sleepless nights when his chest tightened around his heart just before it started beating wildly, so wildly he feared his ribs would snap, while screeching voices reminded him of all the horrible things he’d done in his life.
Only this time he couldn’t take comfort in the knowledge that it was just an illusion.
“I know you’ve never been her favorite, but...” She took a deep sigh, and a while passed before a sound finally came from her gaping mouth. “You argued with her any chance you got, you acted crazy at her husband’s funeral, and you killed her son! She has a right to be angry too, don’t you think?”
She knew why he had done every one of those things, she was the only one who knew. And yet she held it against him like everyone else.
“I tried to spare him, but he left me no other choice.” He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, his sister or himself. “You already know this. I thought you were by my side. That you of all people-”
“No no no, stop right there!” she interrupted him, raising her voice again. “Don’t you dare accuse me of that. I’ve always been on your side, even when no one else was. But I’m on mother’s side too.”
A familiar ache started throbbing in his chest. How could a simple conversation leave him so exhausted? He needed to calm down. He was still in the time to prevent the pain from getting too bad.
“Oichi, please get out. I need to be alone for a while. Then I’ll go tell the maids to prepare for your trip.”
“That might work with your retainers, but you can’t dismiss me when I start saying things you don’t want to hear! I’m not going anywhere!” Every word made the pain worse. Why did she never listen? “Do you have any idea how hard it is for us women to see the men we love fight with one another all the time, losing those who die, and seeing the survivors change forever?”
“I haven’t changed, Oichi. I’m still your brother. That will never change.”
“You used to smile once,” she said softly, her eyes going back to the ceiling, “Now you just smirk.”
His huge room now felt suffocating. He needed to get out, immediately. Without a word, he stood and made his way to the shoji leading outside.
“Nobunaga? Nobunaga where are you going? Please, it’s cold outside!” she got out through stifled sobs, “Come back, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! At least take your coat!”
It killed him to leave his sister crying like that, but he knew it was for the best. Even if he tried to console her, he would just make things worse.
Then why did his heart feel like it was about to break?