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Nobunaga wasn’t used to the lack of control. It was annoying most of the time, even infuriating on worse days, and always, always frightening.
With some effort, he could almost convince himself that all he appreciated in Hideyoshi were the things that made him a model vassal.
The care he put into everything he did, his unswerving loyalty, one of the few certainties Nobunaga had in his life scarred by betrayals, his constant will to better himself, his natural curiosity, so similar to his own, his commitment to answering every single letter he received, replying to everyone like they were his dearest friend.
He would be such a good ruler in times of peace. Strict but compassionate, and loved by everyone.
He couldn’t wait for the moment when everyone would come to realize his full potential. When he would realize it.
He could almost convince himself that all Hideyoshi was to him was an esteemed subordinate. But the more he thought about it, the more elements he found that didn’t fit his theory. Odd mannerisms he shouldn’t even have noticed. Endearing habits that had no right to warm his heart the way they did.
And yet, he let it all happen.
He loved how he ran his fingers through his hair when he was nervous, how he played it cool when tripping on a step or bumping into a pillar, how he licked his lower lip before puffing on his pipe, how his face puckered when he ate pickled plums, how he ended up having a coughing fit every time he tried to clear his throat, how affectionate he became after just one cup of sake…
‘If your focus is strong, you can ignore the heat of a flame.’
Then why couldn’t he ignore his vassal’s smile?
Maybe because a flame wasn’t an appropriate metaphor for him.
Hideyoshi was more like the gentle heat of the sun on a spring day, an unexpected and much needed gift after a long winter, comforting, gracious and tender.
But if one wasn’t careful, it could burn all the same.
The last stone of the game fell on the go board with an audible clack. One of his favorite sounds in the world.
He’d gotten into the habit of playing against himself when sleep evaded him, as had happened way too often lately. The sound of stones hitting the board was soothing to the ears, as the complete control over the game was to the mind.
Still too alert to go to sleep but too tired for another game, he put the stones away. He’d already made some stupid beginner’s mistake he was happy no one was there to see, embarrassing himself further wasn’t in his plans. Even if he had to admit, having the freedom of botching a strategy without any real consequences besides hurting his own pride was almost exhilarating.
Maybe a walk in the garden would bring him the peace of mind he needed. Or at least bring him to those delicious candies he still hadn’t gotten tired of after eating them every day for months. He doubted he ever would.
Haori on his head to shield him from prying eyes, he set off for the kitchen.
He’d planned the best route possible to minimize the both chances of getting caught by a certain someone and of getting caught off guard by any assassin stupid enough to put themselves between him and his candies.
Mostly the first one though.
It wasn’t even about avoiding to get scolded anymore. He’d long since admitted to himself that he didn’t hate Hideyoshi’s scoldings, especially those delivered in the middle of the night, in hushed words and trembling candlelight. One might almost mistake it for a secret night tryst, if that soft voice didn’t always speak of his daily sugar intake.
But there was still a strange, guilty joy to be found in knowing Hideyoshi would always come find him, no matter the hour, the weather, the terrible things he had to that day to get one step closer to his dream of unification that seemed to get farther and farther every day instead. That he would always care enough to get up and stay with him for a while, and sometimes he had the preposterous thought that maybe he liked it too, spending that however short time away from duties, just the two of them having the same ridiculous conversation over and over, their little ritual, like a humorous play that never gets old no matter how many times one watches it.
Or maybe for his vassal it was just one of many duties, no different from cleaning rooms and grooming horses.
That would be for the best. It would make it so much easier to avoid making mistakes he would come to regret, to avoid getting his judgement clouded by useless sentiments, to avoid letting someone into his life only to watch them be taken away like everyone else he was careless enough to get close to.
New dreams had started to torment his sleep. Dreams of battles going wrong, terribly wrong, blood spreading on green fabric like spider lilies blossoming in a field, vacant eyes begging for help, hands desperately searching for something, someone to clutch. Dreams of a lavish banquet, where they sat side by side, laughing about some drunk vassal, and he convinced Hideyoshi to let him pour him a drink because he knew how stupidly happy that would make him, and one moment the cup was touching his smiling lips and the other he was doubled over, screaming and spasming and then silent and still. The worst one he’d had only once, he went to Hideyoshi’s room to tell him something, he couldn’t remember what but it must have been something good, he couldn’t wait to see the ridiculous face he’d make when he—
Somehow he knew before opening the door. That he’d find him slumped over his desk, skin ashen, the corners of his mouth unnaturally turned downward. It almost looked like a smile, in the strange position he was in.
At least he’d woken up before having the time to understand what had really happened. He didn’t want to know.
When he had come across Hideyoshi in the corridor the next day, he had to restrain himself from hugging him, holding him so tight that he could feel his heartbeat and know that he was still alive, that they had at least another day.
He opted for a friendly pat on the shoulder instead, letting his hand linger there for just a second longer than needed. A few words of encouragement, not nearly enough but all he could muster at the moment.
‘Thank you so much, my lord!’ Again with that stupid smile that begged to be kissed. ‘I don’t think I’m yet worthy of your praise, but I’ll work hard to deserve it.’
Yes, probably a duty was all he was to him. His first, most important one, for which he was willing, at times even eager, to give his life. But a duty indeed.
What more did he want? He already had his loyalty, gods knew how rare that was.
Then why wasn’t it enough?
‘Lord Nobunaga, you’re really pale. Are you feeling unwell?’ Hideyoshi asked, his smile now gone. ‘Did you get enough sleep last night? Any at all?’
He opened his mouth to speak, but Hideyoshi went on with his lecture before hearing his answers. They were fairly obvious anyway.
‘This isn’t good for your health. Is there anything I can do to help you? Please, tell me. If you don’t feel safe sleeping alone, I-’
He didn’t like how cruel the laughter he burst into sounded.
Like he hadn’t thought about that before.
Like he didn’t have dreams even more upsetting than nightmares, dreams of a warm mouth travelling down his chest, of golden eyes darkening with desire, of nails digging into his back, of stifled moans and ragged breaths… he could have dismissed them as the mere consequence of not taking a lover in some time, if it weren’t for some other stupid details he barely recollected once he woke up, kisses on the nose, clasped hands, hair tickling his neck.
Like they weren’t dreams of things he could never have.
Like Hideyoshi didn’t mean something else entirely and he wasn’t just deluding himself.
That would be for the best. He knew it, he always had.
He couldn’t lower his guard, get distracted from his aim. If dreams shook him so much, he didn’t dare imagine what reality would do. At least he couldn’t miss something he never had.
Could he?
‘I’m not a child, you dumb monkey!’
I’m scared.
‘Go find someone else to sleep with.’
Please stay.
“Lord Nobunaga! Are you just going to pretend I don’t exist?”
He turned back with a start. Judging by how irritated he was, it wasn’t the first time he’d tried to get his attention.
There went his perfect plan. At least it was Hideyoshi and not an assassin.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said, his tone already softened. “Where are you going so late? Not to the kitchen, I hope.”
He was standing right in front of the steps leading to the raised corridor, like he had been sitting there just a moment before. Nobunaga thought he saw something on the steps - maybe pieces of paper? - but the lanterns seemed to be running out of oil, and it was hard to make anything out. Knowing Hideyoshi, they were probably letters from his many friends.
Why was he reading them there though?
“And, pray tell, what are you doing outside so late?”
He smirked when he finally recalled who the room behind him belonged to.
“Do you miss Toshiie that much? I can put you two back in the same room if you so desire.”
“Of course not!” He scowled. “His friend… lover came over and they asked me to guard the door. Like anyone’s going to look for him at this hour… but I guess I owed him a favor.” He gave the door behind him a quick glance. “They’re awfully silent though, I’m afraid they slept the whole time.”
He was still in time to run away, eat his candies in peace, then spend hours staring at the ceiling without even trying to sleep.
Well, he had all night to do that.
“Move,” he commanded, gesturing towards the stairs. “I will keep you company.”
Hideyoshi’s eyes widened in surprise. “Lord Nobunaga, I don’t think a man of your stature should have to sit outside like this. You might catch a cold, your back might get stiff…” he trailed off, abandoning a lecture for once.
Maybe it was his way of telling him to go away. But this time he wouldn’t hear it.
He’d already made that mistake once. And it was one time too many.
“How old do you think I am?” he said, flopping down on the steps.
“I… that wasn’t what I meant. I apologize,” Hideyoshi replied, sitting beside him, adopting a perfect posture that would have been more fit for a war council than… whatever it was they were doing now. “You are always working so hard, you should be resting now.”
He wouldn’t have minded if Hideyoshi started acting a little less formal around him, at least when they were alone. But he’d lost all hope when, asked to call him by his name without title and honorifics, just for once, he’d barely gotten to ‘No…’ before it turned into ‘No, I’m sorry, I can’t do this, my lord.’.
“Did you at least get some sleep? Or none at all?” Hideyoshi asked, too concerned over his sleeping schedule for someone who was also awake at that ungodly hour.
He simply nodded in response, without giving a real answer.
Hideyoshi stared at him for some moments, eyebrows raised in doubt, but didn’t ask for any clarification.
They had had that same conversation hundreds of times already. He knew the answer. Another of their little plays.
Sometimes they added new scenes though.
“I’ve asked some friends for advice, I should receive their answers in a few days.” He finally leaned back a bit, letting his arms rest at his sides. “I’m sorry I can’t help you myself, I... I think I sleep even too much.”
“My mother… she could spend entire days sleeping. Sometimes she opened her eyes, but she didn’t move, eat, drink, nothing. The first time it happened I thought she was dead.” He gave a chuckle that sounded more like a sob. “Maybe I should ask her for advice.”
Hideyoshi had started sharing episodes of his past shortly after they had met for the first time. He had tried to stop him at first, made it clear that his past was of no importance to him in judging his worth.
But he kept doing it anyway, always at the most random times, while warming his sandals, confiscating his konpeito, serving tea.
Always leaving out the worst parts, always with that sad smile that tugged at his heartstrings like nothing else ever did.
It took him a while to understand. Hideyoshi had never wanted him to comfort him, give him some form of approval or, heaven forbid, pity him.
He just wanted him to know who he was, one small, seemingly insignificant detail at a time.
Sometimes he replied with an impromptu speech, sometimes with a reassuring pat on the shoulder, sometimes silence was the only respectful answer. Every time he wished he’d met him sooner.
“You can keep doing whatever you were doing,” he said after a prolonged silence. “Unless you were just eavesdropping.”
Hideyoshi’s mouth fell open in indignation, like he’d barely restrained himself from gasping out loud.
It must be difficult, having such an honest face, showing your every thought and emotion for the whole world to see.
But it was a delight to watch from the outside.
“I was just drawing some sketches,” he answered, turning to grab the pieces of paper at his side. “I could barely see what I was doing. It probably wasn’t a great idea, but since I was stuck here with nothing to do…”
Since he’d always been so protective of them before, it came as a surprise when Hideyoshi handed him the drawings.
If he hadn’t proved so promising in military and political matters, he might as well have hired him as an artist.
There was so much of him in that young tree slightly bent under the weight of its leaves, in that butterfly with wings a little too small, in that flower fallen on the ground among autumn leaves.
It almost felt like he was peeking somewhere he shouldn’t have. But it was Hideyoshi himself who had let him.
Maybe it was another way of showing him who he was. One beautiful, touching drawing at a time.
“These are truly wonderful,” he murmured, like it was a secret, like he wasn’t really talking about the pictures.
He turned around to look at his vassal.
Yes, he looked like he was made to bask in the warm sunshine of a spring afternoon, but seeing him now, the flickering lantern light dancing on his cheeks and tingeing his eyes with molten gold, he couldn’t deny that fire suited him too.
“They’re all things I saw walking around the castle,” he said. “It’s so beautiful here.”
“I wasted years unable to see beauty anywhere,” he went on. “Now that I’m surrounded by it… I’m no artist, I just want to capture some of it to remind myself, should things ever get bad again… that it exists.” He shook his head, smiling. “I’m not making sense anymore, am I? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak this late.”
“Hideyoshi.” Without thinking, he grabbed his shoulder. “I have no intention of ever sending you away.”
“I… I didn’t mean to be ungrateful. I’m sorry.”
He knew that wasn’t what he meant. He knew that, no matter how much he tried to hide it, Hideyoshi still had bad days. When he found him wide eyed, staring at nothing in the middle of the corridor, when his usually clear handwriting became an illegible mess, when he looked for the most stupid excuses to get into fights with other servants. Not that they didn’t give him any.
He always ended up victorious, not even a scratch or a wrinkle on his kimono to show that he’d been brawling until a moment before, yet somehow looking more wounded than his opponents. Hands shaking helplessly, in rage, Nobunaga thought at first, while telling him to stop acting like the wild idiot people said he was. In fear, he understood just a few days ago.
He’d passed in front of his room, not even an hour after the latest stupid fight, and heard choked, panicked sobs coming from within.
His chest tightened. It was like hearing himself after a nightmare.
‘Monkey, is something wrong?’
No answer came.
Maybe he’d been poisoned. Maybe he was still in time-
‘I’m coming in-’
‘No! Please, I’m fine,” he’d blurted out. “It’s nothing. Please, go away.’
If the roles were reversed, Hideyoshi would have stayed with him, made him tea, kept him company until he could breathe again. It had already happened, more than once.
But he was no Hideyoshi. When it came to things like these, he was just a coward.
‘Are you sure?’
‘I don’t want you to see me like this. Not you. Please, please go away.’
And so he did.
He thought he heard ceramics breaking going away, but he was already too far to know for sure.
Fear of what, he still didn’t know, and if Hideyoshi didn’t wish to tell him, he wouldn’t ask.
But he promised himself he wouldn’t make that mistake ever again.
“Nobody had ever kept me for so long,” Hideyoshi continued, a trace of a smile playing across his lips. “I guess if you wanted to send me away, you’d have done it the first time I confiscated your sweets.”
He noticed now, he was still grabbing his shoulder. But Hideyoshi didn’t seem to mind, so there he stayed.
“Your past masters must have been blind not to see your-” Kindness. Beauty. “-talents.”
“My lord, you’re too kind to me today.” His smile grew.
Only Hideyoshi would call him ‘too kind’. He had done nothing to deserve it.
War and politics didn’t leave much room for compassion. Any good deed he might have done was purely incidental.
And yet it felt good when people thanked him.
He didn’t deserve it, but he treasured it. Like an unexpected and much needed gift.
“I saw a firefly flying around here earlier, more or less where you’re now,” Hideyoshi said, like he’d just remembered something important. “I wanted to draw it too, but I only had black ink. A black firefly doesn’t make much sense, does it?”
A firefly bringing shade instead of light… for some reason, he loved the image.
“I’m sure it could be of some use too. Some days the sun shines too bright.”
“Well, then-”
The door behind them opened, and a petite girl came out.
“Hideyoshi, you’re still here! I’m sorry to ask, but I’ll do it anyway.” She spoke so fast that it was difficult to tell one word from the next. “Could you please take me home? My mom’s going to kill me if I’m not at the shop tomorrow morning. Please I’m begging you I don’t want to wake Inuchiyo up but I really need-”
“Of course,” Hideyoshi turned back to him. “If Lord Nobunaga allows it.”
“Go. So I can finally eat my konpeito in peace.”
He smirked. The utter dismay on Hideyoshi’s face was priceless.
He was sure a similar expression appeared on his face too, when Hideyoshi took that girl by the arm, and patted her head, and they left chatting amicably.
His first instinct was to call him back. But he chose to be kind for once.
That day, as always, it had been Hideyoshi who came to find him.
He came into his room with a badly bandaged hand, still bleeding.
His stomach turned. Gods, he’d seen people with their guts and brains spread on a battlefield. He’d been the cause of it. Why did this upset him so much?
‘My lord, I humbly request your permission to have some hours off tomorrow. I need to buy some new pottery,’ he asked with dead eyes.
He couldn’t stop looking at that hand. And hearing those strangled sobs in his head.
He’d done a terrible mistake, but he wouldn’t repeat it ever again.
‘Monkey, come sit here,’ he commanded, as gently as he could. ‘Let me take a look at that.’
Hideyoshi complied, as obedient as ever.
Neither of them said a word for a while. The cut wasn’t as deep as he thought, and he was quick to rebandage it. The most difficult part was letting go of his hand afterwards.
‘You can still have the day off tomorrow,’ he said when he was done. ‘But you don’t need to buy anything. Take whatever you like from my collection.’
‘My lord-’
‘I insist.’
It took him ages to choose something, and it was only after they’d gone through the entire collection.
But he’d seen his eyes light up and his smile grow wide in the process, so he couldn’t say it wasn’t worth it.
Hideyoshi deserved someone better than him. Someone who wouldn’t push him away when he offered help and wouldn’t leave him panicking alone in his room when he needed it.
But until Hideyoshi found that someone, he would make sure he knew he didn’t have to suffer alone anymore.
‘Can you play go, Hideyoshi?’ he asked out of the blue.
‘I’m afraid not.’
‘Then I’ll teach you one of these days.’
‘It would be an honor to learn from you, my lord.’
After many pleasantries, thank yous and goodbyes, Hideyoshi left, only to rush back shortly after.
‘My lord, I’m really trying to do… to be better.’ Even if his voice was trembling, he’d rarely heard him so determined. ‘I know I still behave like an idiot sometimes, and maybe people are right, that’s just how I am and I’ll never change. But I’m trying. I swear I’m trying.’
‘I know you are.’ And before he could stop himself, he added, ‘I am, too.’
“Lord Nobunaga.”
He was startled once again. Hideyoshi and the girl had stopped after just a few steps. Probably because he was still standing there like an idiot.
“You’d better not be in the kitchen when I come back.” His playful expression didn’t match his words, but Nobunaga knew better than to hope he wouldn’t have to listen to an hour-long lecture in case that happened. “And, if you are still awake by then, maybe we could have that go match you talked about.”
Too moved to talk, he just nodded in response.
He didn’t deserve Hideyoshi’s gentle warmth.
And yet he found himself unable to resist. He’d tried, and failed miserably.
He had no other choice but to accept it.
His unexpected and much needed gift.