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SET FIRE TO HISTORY
Pour mercy, mercy on me. Set fire to history.
Sabo wants to forget. It’s been years since he died, but these dreams about him keep coming back and every night it won’t fail to remind him that he wasn’t there to save him and Luffy. He wants to set fire to the history that made him feel useless and weak, but it is not that easy. He does not know if it’s either his present or past self, who’s not willing to let go but one thing is for sure even if history will be burned, his feelings will not be caught in the fire. It will never disappear, it will never change, not then and not now.
I ’m breakin my own rules, I’m cryin like a fool.
Sabo wakes up with a damp face from the tears that won’t stop falling. He remembers that he was studying for his upcoming exams until his brain was about to explode and his eyes were failing in an attempt to keep them wide open. So, he decided to take an hour nap and set an alarm in his phone so he can wake up and continue studying. Last time he checked before his nap it was past eleven in the evening and now when he checked his phone, it is already past three in the morning he slept for almost four hours. And in that four hours the only dream he can remember is the time when he saw the news that Portgas D. Ace was killed. It is so vivid, that he can see in his dreams his own self crying like a fool, as memories of their childhood came flashing back, while looking at the newspaper that featured the face of Ace.
He knows that Ace never blamed him, heck maybe Ace did not blame him because he did not know Sabo was alive. Sabo on the other hand, did not blame Ace for saving Luffy nor did he blame Luffy in failing of saving Ace and he knows he should not blame himself but it is hard. So, he makes a rule that every time he dreams of Ace’s face he will not cry and try to stop hating his own self. But he knows ever since he was a child, he always breaks the rules.
Tall stories on the page, short glories on the fade.
What Sabo hated the most after Ace’s death was how the newspaper portrayed him. He read how the son of Gol D. Roger died in the battle against the marines. He hated how they wrote more about Akainu’s achievements rather than Ace’s. After all Ace was a wanted pirate and people hated him for that. But from what he had gathered from the other whitebeard pirates he knew Ace’s had helped a lot of people. And Sabo wanted people to know how good of a person Ace was. He wanted them to understand that Ace had only done the things he did for his family. He wanted to give Ace the glories he deserved. But Sabo knew, among all things, how unfair the world was. He knew how the marines worked. And how people saw the marines as their savior against the pirates and that pirates were there to hurt them, to steal their resources, and to take advantage of their homes. For them pirates were there to destroy their lives and a destruction to their hometown.
I been close enough to touch but I’ve never cared for love.
Sabo cannot remember his current child self but rather he can remember the time he spent with Ace and Luffy. As they wreak havoc and drove old Garp and Dadan to nuts. At that time, Ace was so close, they sleep together, they hunt together, and they train together. He may had told them what his real identity was, but he never got the chance to tell them how much he treasured them as far as going back home just to keep them safe. He never got the chance to say proper goodbyes to both of them before he was almost killed, before Dragon saved him in, and trained him to become one of the revolutionaries.
Before Ace died, Sabo saw him as a brother, the brother who shared the same dreams and the brother who shared Dadan’s sake with him. But as he saw the newspaper and as he clutched it tightly while tears streamed down from his face and memories were coming back one by one, he realized, in that moment, his love for Ace was not familial but rather it was romantic. When his fever broke and he woke up from his dream, he saw Koala by his side. He cried unto her, he poured out all his regrets and feelings. Koala hold him tight and told her words that he did not hoped, because he was a lost cause back then, but right now looking back maybe there were truth in Koala’s words.
It’s a church of burnt romances and I’m too far gone to pray.
Ever since Sabo was a child, he knows he will and never will be attracted to women. And as time went by, as he is gaining his memories from his past self, it assured him of his sexuality.
When he visited the grave, he cried his heart out, not for himself but for Ace’s. Because all the years that passed Ace never knew that Sabo never died. And both of them were never given the chance to see each other. He would like to meet him, to assure him that he was alive all along, to end Ace’s suffering of believing the death of his brother and even if Ace would not reciprocate his feelings, he just wanted to meet him and tell him that he was okay, and maybe with Luffy they could share Curly Dadan’s sake again.
He was and is sure that he loved and still loves Ace may it be in the past or in the present the things he felt for the raven-haired boy will never change. He knows right now his sexuality is frowned by a lot of people but what he feels for Ace will be the same.
It’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave.
After Ace’s death Sabo felt alone, although he read in the newspaper that Luffy was fine that some pirate named Trafalgar Law saved his other brother, but Ace, on the other hand, was gone.
After his shock, he continued his duty as a revolutionary, until he heard someone from the revolutionaries talking about the Mera Mera no Mi being used as a prize for the winner in the battle being held in Dressrosa coliseum. He was furious to what he just head. Because how dare them, how dare them make the only thing left of Ace as a prize to people who did not even care and loved him. To people who celebrated when the son of Gol D. Roger died in the hands of Akainu, an admiral of the marine. To people who only knew him as the son of the infamous Pirate King and not as the Ace, he and Luffy knew.
Due to his anger, he stormed to Dragon’s office and told him that he will be going to Dressrosa. At first, he thought Dragon would refuse such selfish request, but he only looked him in the eye and told him ‘it’s for Portgas D. Ace, isn’t it?’ and Sabo could not lie, especially not to Dragon, so his respond was just a small nod. Preparing his self for the incoming stern talk Dragon would give to him. He waited for it but when he looked up, he only saw a small smile coming from Dragon, a smile that disappeared as fast as it appeared. And he knew at that moment Dragon will let him go to Dressrosa. Dragon told him that he agreed because the revolutionaries had a mission there. He’d like to think otherwise.
His plan was to register for the battle in the coliseum but when their ship arrived, he was too late for it, just when he thought that hope was gone, that he would not get the Mera Mera no Mi, he saw Luffy on the screen. He heard people call him Lucy, but he was sure it was Luffy, he knew his brother too well. He sneaked inside the coliseum to meet Luffy, and when he saw him although far away Sabo could not help but smile.
When they met after such a long time, albeit short, he had the chance to say to Luffy the things he wanted to say to him for a long time. At least Luffy knew he was alive all along. During their conversation he could clearly see the regrets and sadness Luffy felt during his retelling of what happened to Ace in Marineford, but he got the chance to re-assure Luffy and thanked him for staying alive. After everything that happened in Dressrosa, Sabo felt genuinely happy all because of his encounter with Luffy and the success of winning the Mera Mera no Mi.
But as he was boarding the ship of the revolutionaries, he felt regret again. What ifs and should haves had raced through his mind. If only he had remembered then he could’ve gone there and arrived on time to save both Luffy and Ace. If only he had not sailed that day then he would have not forgotten the both of them. And if only he were brave, brave enough to defy his parents, then the three of them would have been together and they could have avoided the death of Ace. Sadly, he was not brave and that resulted to the death of Portgas D. Ace.
If the truth tell, darling, you fell like there ain’t enough dying stars in your sky.
Of all dreams Sabo has about in the past, Ace’s death is the most recurring one. The things the whitebeard pirates described how Akainu killed him. Luffy’s crying face as he told Sabo how he regretted for being not able to save Ace. And every time he wakes up, he can feel the seething anger creeping in him. Just like back then.
He hated the government for what he did when he was a child, but the one he hated the most was Akainu. He hated how he almost killed Luffy and how he killed Ace. They said the Whitebeard pirates would have retreated after saving Ace, ready to cease fire, but Akainu continued the fight and was about to plant his fist into Luffy but Ace sacrificed and was killed for Luffy. They said Ace cried and thanked Luffy for loving him, those were his last words.
Sabo could not imagine what Luffy felt after that, how much pain he suffered believing his two brothers died, but most of all Sabo could not, rather did not want to imagine Ace crying and thanking those people for loving him. Ace died at a young age; his death felt like a dying star. A man so bright died in a blink of an eye. And no more than the people who knew him will remember him.
It’s a tall tale and it’s only hello, hello, no goodbye.
Sabo wakes up again from the same old dream, but this time it’s different. There is no damp face and no falling tears. He can feel that this day will be good. He grabs his phone to check the time, crap he is late, and that’s how he sees his self in a hurry cramming every item he needs inside his bag and ran to the nearest station from his apartment.
Even if he knew he is late, Sabo refuses to miss a day going to his favorite cafe, grandline cafe, to order a black coffee. Especially now that he feels an extra urge to go there. Lateness be damned.
He opens the door of the café, and he immediately smells the coffees and pastries. When he is about to queue to order his coffee, he sees a very familiar head, that adorns a strawhat, leaning on a table at the waiting area for take outs.
“Luffy.” He calls out a bit louder so that the boy can hear him.
As he is walking closer to Luffy he can see another man with him. The same raven-hair that Luffy has and the same hair color of the man he sees in his dreams every night. But as he approaches the table, the woman from the counter calls out a number, and the man left. Sabo assumes that it is their order number.
“Sabo!” Luffy shouts back. Enthusiasm is evident in his voice. “Are you okay? You looked tired?” Luffy cranes his head looking at Sabo, this time his enthusiasm is replaced by worry and pure curiosity.
Sabo gives Luffy a wry smile, while adjusting his bag properly into a better position so that his shoulder won’t hurt. “Hey, I’m sorry just lack of sle—” He was about to finish his sentence when suddenly he hears another voice.
“Oi, Luffy get your own drink.” The raven-haired man is walking towards them, holding two kinds of drinks, the other one maybe for Luffy.
He is staring. He knows he is staring but as of now he does not care because the said man is in front of him. It is Ace, he may not be one hundred percent sure but he is ninety-eight percent sure that it is Ace.
He must be staring for a while because when he snaps out of it all he sees is Ace attempting to mess Luffy’s hair.
“Hey Ace stop ruffling my hair.” Luffy says while attempting to swat Ace’s hand away from his hair.
Ace. Luffy said Ace, now Sabo’s suspicions were confirmed.
“You don’t have the right to boss me around Luffy, just because you have a boyfriend, it does not mean you are more superior than me.” Ace replies as he continues to mess Luffy’s hair.
Sabo can’t hold back his laughter anymore, so a snort comes out from him due to their stupid antics. Two pairs of eyes stare back at him, confuse of what he’s laughing about.
“Luffy do you know him?” Sabo halts his laughter when he heard Ace asks Luffy about him.
“Sorry.” He sheepishly says as he scratches the back of his neck. When Ace’s eyes meet with Sabo’s, he remembers something from the past. And again, he remembers Koala’s words.
“Sabo? Sabo?” Sabo snaps out from his thoughts when he heard Luffy calling out to him. He can see Luffy’s furrowed eyebrows, he shifts his eyes toward Ace and he can also see the guy sporting the same expression.
“Sorry, told you I kinda lacked sleep today.” He gives them a fake smile. Sabo does not know if he could fool anyone, but judging from the change of Ace’s expression, which a frown can now be seen, he is in fact not fooling anyone. Maybe Luffy will believe him, he hopes he does.
“I wanted you to meet Ace, my brother.” Guess his explanation satisfied Luffy because his enthusiasm is back as he grabs both Sabo and Ace’s arm to make them shake hands with each other. “Ace, Sabo—" There’s a beat, Sabo is sure Luffy is thinking what their relationship is. Well they met each other through Robin and because of his knowledge about their past, the shared sake and all, he sees and treats Luffy as if he were his own brother. “My kinda brother.” He hears Luffy continue.
“Kinda brother? What does that even mean?” Both of them say in unison. Nishishishi, is the only reply they get from Luffy.
“Hi, Luffy’s kinda brother.” Ace smirks at him.
And in return, Sabo gives him a huge grin. “Hi Luffy’s brother.”
After introducing with each other and catching up with Luffy, he excuses himself and runs toward the direction to his apartment. He can’t help but smile on the way back, but at the same time tears want to fall from his eyes all because he can’t stop thinking about the past.
A long time ago Ace might have said goodbye to him and Luffy but this time he knows, no, he bets they both know that there will be no more goodbyes only hi and hello and, in this life, a tall tale will be told. Just like in the old one.
Pour mercy, mercy on me. I’ll fall upon my knees.
After their brief encounter Sabo has not attended any of his classes, how could he when his emotions are very unstable, he wants to be happy but at the same time he wants to cry. He was running, in a hurry to go home already. He is trying his best to keep his tears from falling, he does not want to cry in public, but as he runs to his apartment his knees are getting weaker and weaker. He can’t wait to arrive home.
When he opened the door of his apartment, he immediately falls upon his knees. He cries so hard, just as hard as when the first time he realized his sexuality in the past, just as hard as when he realized he loved Ace, and just as hard as when he realized that Portgas D. Ace was not just a random pirate but was his brother. And then he remembers what Koala said, if only he had believed her at that time. He’s sure she would laugh at his misery.
For the whole day Sabo just keeps crying.
And they’ll say I told you so c’mon when you know, you know.
“You know Sabo-kun, there will come a time that you will meet Ace-san again.”
He remembers it. Koala’s words, while he was crying his heart out. At that time, he did not know if it were because of Ace’s death or his newly discovered feelings toward the said person or maybe he was crying because of both reasons.
When Koala said those words, he did not believe her. Who would believe such concept. That the both of them would see each other again. Sabo scoffed at Koala, he thought that she said those words to comfort Sabo and make him stop blaming himself. But as of now if Koala were here, she would laugh at Sabo and will tell him ‘I told you so’.
All the lonely shadow dances from the cradle to the graves.
After that brief encounter with Ace and Luffy in the café, Sabo has not seen Ace anymore. He thinks it’s over he won’t see Ace again that meeting was just a one-time thing. Just like that time passes by, their first semester ended and a new semester is in view.
It’s the start of the new semester and Sabo wakes up earlier than he intended to, he grabs his towel and goes to the bathroom to get ready. It’s already fall and the weather outside is colder compared before, unlike Sabo’s usual cardigan, he pulls a sweater and grabs his coat, rolled up his pants, and grabs his pair of shoes.
When he arrives at the designated classroom, he immediately pulls out his glasses to read in advance about the subject he’s currently in. He’s already immersed in his reading when suddenly he hears someone clearing their throat at the back. Sabo turns his head and is surprised to see a grinning Ace. He assumes his face shows how surprised he was because Ace suddenly laughs at him.
“Hey, kinda brother can I seat here?” Ace asks between his laughs.
Sabo has not completely processed the question since his mind keeps on admiring how good Ace looks despite only wearing a hoodie, and sweatpants.
“Sabo are you even listening?”
Sabo snaps out of it when Ace calls his name. Oh. Oh. He remembers Sabo’s name.
“Of course, I remember your name what do you take me for?” Ace says, offended of what Sabo just said although Sabo, himself, did not realize the slip of his tongue.
“Dumb?” Sabo replies, teasing Ace. He knows his walking on a thin line here either Ace will take his reply as offensive or both of them will fall in that comfortable banter just like back in the past. Before he was gone in Sabo’s life.
“Hey, if I’m dumb, I won’t recognize you right away.” There it is the playful voice Ace uses every time he and Sabo bantered back when they were just kids.
“How did you even recognize me?”
“No one in this university has a hair as messy as yours.” Ace smirks at him proud of himself outwitting Sabo.
“Then what does that make your hair then? A bird’s nest?” Sabo mirrors Ace smirks.
Ace squawks while attempting to fix his hair. “I’ll let you know I took a bath.”
“A bath won’t change anything Ace, your hair still looks like a bird’s nest.” Sabo laughs in response to Ace’s fake sulking.
They keep talking after their short banter, trading stories about Luffy, and knowing each other’s life. They easily fall back the way they treat each other just like in their past lives.
During the lecture Sabo keeps thinking back just how much he misses Ace, if only Ace did not die then maybe they would had been calling each other through their own den den mushis telling each other about their own adventures as a pirate who is part of Whitebeard’s crew and as the chief-of-staff in the revolutionaries, and talking about Luffy, how proud they are of their little brother. He can imagine Koala and Hack’s exasperated faces telling him to shut up and do his duties so that Dragon won’t scold them. These are just some things he keeps on thinking if only things did not end the way it was. If only.
After a few weeks being in the same class Sabo and Ace talk to each other every day, either on the phone or meeting each other. Ace always goes to his apartment saying he’s lonely because Luffy keeps spending his time with his boyfriend and if not with his boyfriend then it’s with his friends. Sabo always humors him, they’ll play video games, compete with each other, and sometimes they’ll just watch movies while cuddling on the couch, since it’s too small for the both of them. And as they get to know more about each other, bits and pieces that belong to Ace can be seen in Sabo’s apartment, just like his own toothbrush, and his own towel. The Polari hoodie, Ace owns and loves so much, is already inside Sabo’s closet. And that one time he was so tired he put on the hoodie and the next day Ace saw him wearing it, making them both flusters.
They are both idiots.
Sabo has an inkling about Ace’s feelings towards him. He isn’t dumb enough not to notice how Ace massages his hand every time it’s sore from playing games, or how he brushes his hair and massages the creases forming on his forehead every time he can’t understand the topic he’s studying. He thinks that Ace likes him just from his body language because friends don’t do what they always do. He wants to tell Ace about his feelings but what he doesn’t want is rushing Ace into a relationship with him.
Then such time comes when he’s playing games in his apartment while Ace whines about Luffy’s boyfriend again.
“You know I don’t trust Law enough as Luffy’s boyfriend.”
“Yes, you keep saying that. But aren’t they in a relationship for about year?”
“One and three months.” Ace answers him and continues his rant about despite their one year and three months relationship Ace still doesn’t trust Law. Sabo keeps on listening until it hits him.
“Law? You mean Trafalgar Law?” Sabo asks.
“Yes?” Ace’s answer is quite hesitant “Why do you know him?”
“Know him? He’s my roommate before I rented this apartment.” Oh. oh. So Luffy was the one Law was pining. Now everything made sense, he remembers Law ranting about a certain raven-haired boy with a scar under his left eye that keeps him worried because he never listens to Law. If only Law had described him as someone with a strawhat.
“Please tell me you don’t like him.” Ace begs while sulking beside him.
He pauses his game and looks at Ace. He reaches Ace’s hair and combs it using his fingers. Guess the gesture eases Ace because a smile is visible on his face albeit small but still. He can’t blame Ace for worrying about Luffy, even he worries about Luffy, after all Luffy is his brother despite being not biological Ace loves Luffy so much, so if Ace is wary of Law then he should say something to lessen the wariness Ace feels. Not only for Ace’s sake but also both for Luffy and Law.
Sabo cups Ace’s face and tells him what he needs to hear about Law. “He’s a good kid Ace, you don’t have to worry. He’s good for Luffy, I know because I saw him in his pining stage, but don’t tell anyone I told you that or Law would put me on his operating table.” He grins at him.
Ace only gives him a nod as a form of reply, he knows Ace isn’t satisfy of what he just said but it’s a start. He grabs his controller and resumes the game his playing, so that Ace is left alone to sort out his thoughts. Minutes pass when he hears Ace speaks up again.
“But we should give him a stern talk, as Luffy’s brother, and you as his future brother-in-law.”
The words that left Ace’s mouth surprised Sabo, it made him speechless the only thing he does is stare back at Ace. Ace is confused why Sabo is staring at him.
Does Ace even realize he confessed to Sabo.
Sabo is more worried compared to Ace; he bets he doesn’t notice his slip up. When Sabo says he wants a relationship with Ace, he wants Ace to be sure of what he thinks of Sabo because selfish as it sounds, he does not want to have another heartbreak but in a different way.
“Sorry was lost in thought.” Sabo lies. Even he can hear how awkward his voice sounds, and Ace may be sometimes dumb but he knows he isn’t a fool, and that lie did not fool him. Not one bit. He picks up his controller again and continues his game hoping Ace would drop the topic and pretend to not notice the elephant in the room.
“Sorry.” Although Ace’s voice was low it was loud enough for Sabo to hear. “I know it’s weird for me to suddenly say those things, I bet you’re grossed out right now.” Sabo can hear frustration in Ace’s voice. “I don’t care if you don’t feel the same but please just please don’t cut me off, don’t stop being my friend.” At the end Sabo can hear the resignation in Ace’s voice, and hearing that pains him.
He grabs Ace’s hand and link both of their hands together. Hoping that this action can somewhat ease Ace and can convey what he really feels towards him. He needs Ace to know that their feelings are mutual.
“No, I should be the one to say sorry. Sorry for sweeping it under the rug, I don’t want you to say those things without being sure of it. I want you to be sure Ace, to be sure of this, to be sure of us.” He can’t stop his voice from wavering, he’s getting emotional. He’s willing to take the leap and he hopes Ace does too. This time he wants to spend his life with Ace, happy unlike before that is full of regrets.
“I’m sure Sabo, been sure since long ago. I have always wanted to tell you before, but the fear of you leaving me and not seeing you again stopped me.”
Those words put Sabo at ease. While still holding hands, Sabo leans his head on Ace’s shoulders. “If that’s your answer then yes, I’m willing to talk to Law, as Luffy’s future brother-in-Law.”
Sabo closes his eyes. He can feel Ace kissing the top of his head this put a smile on his face. This is it. They’re finally happy, the both of them finally got what they deserve, no more wars, no more deaths, no more tears, no more regrets, and no more lonely shadows dancing. Just him and Ace being happy and contented.
It’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave .
After couple of months being together with Ace, Sabo finally tells him about his dreams, at first, he thought Ace will laugh at him, he understands if that were Ace’s reaction. Who would even believe in pirates using powers. But to his surprise Ace also tells him he’s been dreaming the same dreams Sabo has although his is a bit vague compared to Sabo’s.
Sabo cries when he tells Ace how sorry he was for forgetting and leaving him and Luffy to suffer. He tells him all his regrets. Ace hugs him as he cries. Whispering comforting words to him. Reminding him that everything is over, that this is their new life. That he’s not alone anymore. Ace is with him. Sabo is really thankful for the hug; it makes him better and grounded. Ace does really make him feel better.
After that talk something is lifted from Sabo’s chest. And the dreams he had about their pasts never came back again. He won’t forget it though, it’s something that Sabo will never forget. After all it is the history that taught him and mold him to become braver despite being alone. The history that he and Ace shares. But when he thinks about it, he realizes the what ifs, and should haves, he once thought, are finally gone. And finally, he has successfully set fire to the history that he badly wants to burn for a long time ago. But his feelings, on the other hand, has not been caught by the burning flame. It has not disappeared, it has not changed, not then and not now.