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“I don’t see the point in this. Tim asked me to write this, and I couldn’t find the words to say no, so here we are.”
“I don’t see the point in this” Cass thought to herself “It’s a glorified diary. Tim tends to know me best, so why would he ask me to do this?” Cassandra moved her hand over the faded page, writing out every thought in her mind, trying her best to ignore the need to bottle it all up. “The only person besides me who will see this, possibly, is Tim, so this should be okay right? “ Her hand flew across the page, scribbling out words, the words being a bit strangely placed due to her lack of written language growing up; Barbara had taught her how to write more than she picked up speaking. “I guess I should start with the flashbacks, right? A few weeks ago they started getting bad again, to practice reading, Barb gave me a book she thought I would find interesting. She was right, it’s a cool book, but the girl in it went through assault. It brought back old memories, she didn’t know, it’s not her fault but I can’t tell anyone about this.” Cass started clenching her fingers around the pen like she wanted to snap it in half before it could get one more thought out.
“I…can d-do this.” She told herself quietly, assuring she could do this. She looked around her, the empty, abandoned, and warm patch of grass outside she chose for a writing spot. It was quiet, it was relaxing; Tim suggested it to her. “I remember when I came to Gotham for the first time, I swore I wouldn’t hurt anyone again, I…I couldn’t hurt someone again. I couldn’t turn out like my ‘father’, it was just too much. But I wish someone would’ve told me, that hurting others and protecting myself were different things.” She let a tear drip onto her pages, breathing in the warm air slowly, remembering what Tim had told her in the past. “It’s okay to let yourself cry and be afraid Dragonfly. Nobody’s invincible, but you are strong.” She exhaled softly, feeling a leaf fall upon her head before she shook it off and picked the pen back up.
“When I got to the city for the first time, there was this man. He wasn’t very strong, he wasn’t smart, or fast. But I was still scared of him, I feared hurting him, or defending myself.” She sprawled the words onto the once crisp paper, remembering her vow to not harm someone again, remembering her reluctance to say no. “I didn’t think I had the choice to yell for help, I couldn’t get those words out, I didn’t know how. I didn’t think anyone would help me, so I closed my eyes, wanting to be anywhere but there. Wanting to be anyone but who I was.” Her thoughts became more and more acidic, turning from anger to sadness. “I never said no, I couldn’t. But I never said yes, and he took my silence as asking for more. He took my hesitation for permission. He took my fear, for excuse.” Her eyes shut tightly, picturing the memories of her pain, despite wanting them gone forever, before the images of Tim holding his hand out to her. What was it he said again? Oh, right. “Hey there, what’s a cool bean like you doing in a sucky place like this?” He had asked her with a dorky grin, trying to make her feel better.
She trailed her fingers over the worn pages, the book with several pages ripped out, before sliding the leaf underneath the clear plastic notebook cover. “I don’t like having control of my body, because saying no, scares me more than what could happen if I say yes. There have been so many things rising into my mind lately, I don’t know if I’m still me and honestly, I’m not sure if I want to be either. I haven’t been eating a lot lately, I haven’t told Tim. I’m betting he knows though he was always good at noticing when I’m not okay.” Her hands start to shake as she thinks about the numbers floating across that scale that morning, how it seemed like it was the only thing that mattered in that moment. How part of her wanted it to be lower. She turned the book over, trailing her light fingers over the words embossed on the cover. “Timothy Drake” above the word “Survivor” She let the tears from her burning eyes spill over, landing silently over the book that had previously belonged to her brother, her best friend, and her inspiration.
She stood up, sliding her hand upon the grass, and began to walk with her hand clutched around the book tightly. She walked until she stood in front of the door to Tim’s apartment, he was only there occasionally but she knew he’d be there now. She raised a hand to the door, carefully, and gently with a hint of hesitation, knocked twice. The door opened to show a lanky, black haired, blue eyed, tired guy before her. She took a small breath and signed to him “Can we talk for a bit?” Tim smiled at her softly and opened the door wide. “Anytime, Dragonfly.”
She showed him the book, let him read through the tear stained pages, signed to him how she couldn’t find a way to put it into words that made sense to him. He gave her a hug and whispered “Cassandra Cain. This doesn’t need to make sense to anyone but you. But no matter what, I’m here for you, you can always tell me.” She let out a quiet sob into his shoulder, keeping a death grip in the hug. “Thank you” She whispered, and he gave her time to think. “Cass, I want to you to see something okay?” He spoke softly, handing her a stack of papers with ripped edges, tear stains, and words crossed out so harshly you’d think the writer wanted to cut through the paper with a knife.
She read through the papers, occasionally asking Tim what certain words were or what they meant. She read through slowly realizing these were written by him, these were his memories. “I couldn’t help it, I needed to throw up. I hate this so much, but I need it I need it I need it. I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry.” The words scribbled on the pages of his past bruises, cuts, wounds, and sobs. She looked up at him with red eyes and gave him a tight hug. “I.. I didn’t know-w Tim, I’m s-or-y.” She got out broken and weak words, not knowing he went through the same as her, some worse, some better, but not comparable the way you’d think. “Dragonfly, you are the strongest person I know, I’m here because if you can do it, I want to be able to do it too.” He smiled at her, knowing it would take a lot more time and patience for her to be able to talk about it. But he was ready to wait, for now all that mattered was her safety. “C’mon, I need you to eat something okay? Even if it’s just a little.” She gave a slight nod and a small smile, willing to try, if he could do it, she could too.