Work Text:
Keith stared down into his black coffee with a displeased frown, wondering how in the hell they could've run out of sugar so quickly. And milk. The containers that held the precious staples weren't even present. Just a measly sugar packet that Keith had promptly torn open and unceremoniously dumped into his bitter drink. Because contrary to popular belief, Keith did not like his coffee as dark as his soul. Which was very dark, because he was a fucking edgelord.
Anywho, back to the task at hand. Find the evildoer who dare deprive Keith of his morning cup of coffee with just the right amount of sweetener and milk. All they had left was enough brewed coffee to fill half of his throw away cup. It seemed appropriate. He was viewing his day as a half empty day after all. And it was just 6:50 a.m.
With a disgusted sigh, Keith turned to leave the break room to get back to his cubicle. Because getting an early start on his shitty desk job would surely improve his mood. His crappy chair gave a protesting squeak against Keith's weight bearing down on it, but a scoot later he was comfortably browsing the internet for cat memes. As it turns out, he could afford to kill some time after all. It was still too early to be answering calls and pretending to be half awake as the other person on the line blathered on. No thanks. It was a miracle that he hadn't reached through the phone to strangle anyone, really.
Keith ignored the head that popped up over the partition that separated his cubicle from Pidge's. He stared moodily at his computer screen filled with pussies, though none cuter than his own ginger colored Red. His fingers twitched, having made an instinctive motion to stroke Red. He retracted his fingers and formed a tight fist, closing the window. It really was too bad that the company had a policy about bringing pets to work. He wouldn't mind siccing Red on a couple of his co-workers. Or his boss, who just happened to be his half-brother, but there was no mercy in this world. Especially when said boss/brother didn't keep his department's break room fully stocked with all the necessary ingredients to make a decent cup of fuc-
"What the fuck!" Keith recoiled from the hand that felt like it had just pulled out a fistful of his hair with a yelp. His gremlin of a friend stared at him with unapologetic eyes and proceeded to point a trembling finger in the direction of the cup of black coffee. She mouthed, 'Give it to me, and no one gets hurt.' Too little, too late. He was still rubbing his almost-would-be bald spot. Also, she could fuck up any of these nameless assholes and Keith wouldn't give two shits. But alas, another tug and he might just become mullet-less.
He handed over the cup without a word, the motion too sudden for the coffee to stay completely inside the container. Keith wouldn't be surprised if the hiss that had come out of his mouth was actually the sound of the scalding coffee having hit his skin. It still failed to pull him out of his tired-as-fuck-as-to-where-a-truck-could-run-me-over-right-now-and-I-would-welcome-it stupor.
His computer gave off a soft 'ping' and he resisted the urge to carelessly open the most likely work related email and give a most eloquent keyboard smash. Opening it, he stared at the attachment of what looked like a screenshot of an airdrop. Raising an eyebrow, his eyes wandered up and took in the fact that Pidge had sent him a screenshot of an airdrop. Of someone's ass, no less. He read the sender's name, "The Tailor."
He leaned back and considered the poorly hidden cackles that were coming over from Pidge's cubicle. Why was she sending him something like this? Was this her way of letting him know that she had changed her mind about being ace, because if so, there were easier ways of doing so. Easier and less cryptic ways for sure. Sighing and narrowing his eyes in annoyance at what he was about to do, he leaned in further to the computer screen. He may as well check out the ass that was able to return Pidge to the way of the common huddled masses.
The jeans looked awfully familiar and Keith racked his brain to fit someone's ass to a particular face. No face came to mind, but what did pop into his mind's eye was a pair of identical jeans he had taken out of the dryer that morning... Holy shit! Those jeans looked so familiar because they belonged to him! Feeling his eyes practically bug out of his head, he shot up from his rolly chair and sent it spinning in his haste. He choked in the process of trying to voice his... concern.
The messy sandy headed girl eyed him almost serenely, a smug aura about her.
"Okaaay." Keith winced as his voice cracked halfway through the word leaving his lips. There went his smooth attempt at being level and calm. Putting aside the choking. Pidge cackled in delight.
"You know, Shiro's sent me dozens of pictures/videos of your voice cracks." She held up her phone and showed him that she was recording. "But I can never have too much blackmail material, so please, continue."
With a narrowed look expressing his displeasure, he easily snatched the iPhone out of Pidge's claws, opening up her photos app.
Ready to confiscate her phone after seeing the sheer amount of images she had in total, he noticed she had organized albums so he quickly glanced over those.
What the quiznak?
The unassuming font title displayed queer words he would never had organized in that particular order.
UnAeStHeTiCaLLy PlEaSiNg PiCtUrEs of kEiTh'S pHaT a$$ — aka U.P.P.O.K.P.A.