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“Why are you baking cookies?” Yeosang asked his mother as he attempted to get on the high stool to reach the countertop. He tried to reach out his hand to the mixture but his arm span was too short.
His mother adoringly smiled at how cute his son was, letting him taste the cookie dough, before she responded, “We have new neighbours. I’m giving it to them as a warm welcome.”
Yeosang felt excitement rush through his entire body. It has been a while since he had a new friend outside of school. Yeonjun from kindergarten had been his only friend along with his teachers. He wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment that much because most of the people that live in their building were older people.
“Do you think I’ll have a new friend?” He asked, curiosity surrounding his 7-year old brain.
“Hmmm,” His mother hums, knowing the answer to her son's question but decided to excite him even more, “How about you find out when you give them these cookies?”
Yeosang’s mother felt fortunate to hear that they would be having a new neighbour. She had already met the mother of their new neighbour and she was nothing but nice, especially when their apartments were right across each other. Yeosang wasn’t able to meet them because he went to play with his friend Yeonjun, who would be moving out of the city in a few days. It was a surprise to her and to Yeosang and she saw how her son broke down into sadness when she told him that his friend wouldn’t be going to the same primary school as him.
But as the tale says, when someone leaves, someone else will arrive.
And so Yeosang hopes.
He patiently waited for the oven to make a sound, drawing a cute welcome note that he would give as well. A mixture of red and blue filled what was once a blank page, enough to express their hospitality for their arrival.
When the oven went off with a brief but high pitched sound, Yeosang ran back to the kitchen to see his mother pulling out the hot tray of freshly baked cookies, “Want to taste first?” She asked, using the tongs to hand over a warm cookie. Yeosang hummed in satisfaction, contented and proud of his mother’s baking skills.
After tasting a few more cookies, reasoning out that those pieces didn’t look pretty when the entirety of the cookies looked the same, his mother started to pack it in a plastic ware, wrapping a red ribbon around it.
“You made a letter too?” His mother cooed, seeing the piece of paper Yeosang had when she was about to give the cookies, “Let’s go?” She took his son’s hand before they walked out to the hallway that separated their apartment from the other.
His mother was confident enough to ring the bell as she had already met them. Her hand resting on her very smiley son’s shoulders when the door opened.
“Oh! Miss Kang, Hello!” A woman in her mid thirties welcomed them with smiles. Her eyes trailed to Yeosang who suddenly went shy when the door flew open, “You must be Yeosang?” She crouched down to talk to him on an eye level and Yeosang could only nod, holding out the cookies that were baked, “Hello! I’m Miss Jung,”
“Welcome to the neighbourhood,” He managed to say, making his mother pat his head.
“Who’s there?” A high pitched voice was heard from the inside of the apartment. Miss Jung stood from her position, showing another boy that looked around Yeosang’s age.
“Hello!” Yeosang squeaked that moment his excitement that were once hopes became a reality, “I’m Yeosang! I think we’ll be great friends.”
“I’m Wooyoung.” The boy shyly responded, showing off a very awkward smile. The two women smiled at their son’s first meeting, expecting it to be exactly like that. “I-I think so too.”
It started awkward because Wooyoung was still not familiar with his surroundings. But it didn’t take that long until the two would always hang-out at Yeosang’s apartment because of the amount of toys he had, playing after they both got home from primary school.
Soon, the two became best friends. Growing up together and discovering the world around them. They were that inseparable childhood best friends that everyone envied because no argument could tear them apart. They make each other the happiest and Yeosang couldn’t be anything but thankful.
Until his worst fear came.
❀
Finally locking his luggage, Yeosang was finally ready to move out of the small apartment he lived in for almost 19 years of his life. It was a bitter-sweet moment. Now that he will move out, he wasn’t too sure of what it would be like to wake up outside of the four walls that he got used to.
“Look at you,” His mother ruffled his hair with a fond smile on her face. Yeosang could feel that she was trying her best not to be emotional as they’ve spent almost everyday together, “You’re all grown up now.”
“I’m only going to college,” Yeosang scrunched his nose, clinging to his mother. “And I’ll visit every time I can.” He saw how his mother’s face lit up at the mention of visiting and how she hugged him tightly. Living with his mother was something he got used to. Not once did he imagine that he would be occupying the dormitories once he steps in college.
Today, Yeosang thought was the day he would finally let everything go. He believes that every phase of his life is always a new start. The first was when he entered kindergarten, learning all the basics of life. Another new start when he entered primary school where things get a little more technical. Middle school was okay. But high school was something he wanted to forget.
And now he is in college, another opportunity to start over again.
He looked at the time and noticed that he should be going to the station by now if he wants to make it in time for the freshman orientation. He pulled his mother to a last tight hug before he waved goodbye. She watched him give the apartment one last look before the door shut.
Yeosang was still facing the door, waiting for it to lock and to make a beeping sound that he grew fond of. And when it did, he was now standing in the hallway that separated his apartment to another.
He looked at the door across him. The door with the numbers 1126 imprinted beside the frame. The door that he used to ring the doorbell to all the time just to see someone.
It was the door that locked Yeosang out. It was the door he waited to open in the last five years, but it never opened.
It was the door that kept Yeosang stuck in a phase of his life that he wanted to forget and now he would.
But Yeosang stood in front of the door, like he always did. Hoping and waiting that it would open and bring back the happiness he once had in his life.
Even in his last moment in this building, Yeosang hoped.
After a two hour travel time, switching trains at a specific station to transfer to another train with a different route, Yeosang finally heard the station of his destination. He was feeling mixed emotions, not really knowing what to expect.
Yeosang likes to think that college would be an interesting and amazing experience for him. Having the idealism of what it really is in books and dramas, he was sure it would be fun.
Think is the keyword.
He helped himself with the campus map that was emailed to him a week ago. There weren’t many people seen in the grounds when he arrived. Perhaps most of them were already inside their rooms or at the hall where freshmen would gather.
The dorms were quiet– relatively, maybe because the semester had just started and most of them occupying the building were freshmen trying to give a good impression. The people were nice– a lot of them who were outside their rooms greeted Yeosang with a wide smile, perhaps thinking he was their roommate but Yeosang went further down the hall.
1012.
His roommate was okay. Jongho wasn’t in the same major as him, he was a psychology major; Yeosang was a chemistry major, but they already established ground rules inside the four walls that they share. Cleanliness is one thing both of them agree on the most.
Yeosang thought it would be hard to create a relationship with Jongho, but it wasn’t. In the first two days of settling in the dormitory, his roommate was kind enough to sit next to him during the freshmen orientation. Now they’re going to the organisation fair where they could sign up for extra organisations. That’s where he met Seonghwa, a freshman who was attending the same major as him. He also met Yunho, Jongho’s friend from his major and the person who stays in the room across from them.
“Do you plan on joining the chemistry organisation?” Seonghwa asked him.
They were at a café near the campus. The seniors at the fair made them feel overwhelmed that they had to step out of the spotlight for a while. Yeosang thought it wasn’t a need to have an organisation but those seniors know their way to people’s mind.
“I think an organisation with my major doesn’t sound like a good idea,” Yeosang responded freely, Seonghwa nodding in agreement, “How about you two?” Yeosang directed the conversation to the other two who seemed to be lost as well.
“I feel like joining a music organisation,” says his roommate, “It was my second choice of major anyway.”
Seonghwa gave Jongho a quick thumbs up in agreement. Seems like Seonghwa plans on joining that organisation as well. So Yeosang looked at Yunho, hoping they’d have the same interest.
“I’d be joining the dance organisation with my roommate,” Yunho announced and he could see how Yeosang’s eyes looked at him brightly.
Yeosang loves to dance. Had always loved dancing ever since he was a kid. He could still remember joining a lot of groups growing up where they would perform in school events.
After they had finished their drinks, talking a bit more of their backgrounds, they headed back to the campus grounds where the organisation booths were located. Seonghwa and Jongho parted ways with them and went to the booth of the music organisation, while Yeosang walked with Yunho looking for their desired booth.
“How long have you been dancing?” The taller man asked, attempting to make small conversation as they crossed the large field to go to the booth.
“A decent amount of time, I guess?” He shrugs, shyly avoiding eye contact, looking at the different booths that surrounded them.
The campus grounds were full of colours. The booths each organisation prepared were no joke as it was more than just tables and chairs. They had actual tents, decorated on the inside with streamers and stuff related to their organisation. They had people walking around the grounds with signages, inviting as many people that they could with the beat of loud music in the background.
It wasn’t that hard to spot the dance organisation as it was surrounded by a number of people. Apparently, the loud music came from their area because they prepared a small area where their members are dancing to capture the students’ attention.
Yunho tugged at his arm, pulling him towards the crowd of people and tried to squeeze in to see the members dancing in the middle of the grounds.
The cheers roared loud when the black haired boy in the middle moved to every beat of his song choice. They were clapping along to his steps until the music ended.
“Hello! Thank you for watching my small performance. If you want to join the dance club, please do not hesitate to walk to our booth to sign up!” The black haired boy said with his deep voice. He bowed once again, eyes meeting with Yeosang before he pointed at their booth where not that many were signing up.
Yunho nudged Yeosang’s side, mouth pointing at the booth, “I think my roommate is at the booth. Do you want to sign up?” He asked and Yeosang could only nod.
The black haired boy smiled at them when he saw them walking towards their booth. That was when he bowed once again and music played from the speakers, “I feel relieved I made someone join,” He speaks to the both of them and Yunho tapped his arm telling him he did a great job.
“You already knew I’m joining this anyway,” Yunho jokingly said, “Yeosang, this is Mingi, another friend of mine from my major.” Yeosang offered to shake his hand, which the other took with a wide smile.
Mingi handed them the clipboard with the form that they should fill up to be a part of an organisation. While they were answering, Mingi was telling them the plans that their organisation has for this year.
Yeosang learned that Mingi was only a freshman like them but because his older brother was a part of this organisation, he was able to help them before he even graduated high school.
“Hey Jung, are you ready to perform?” Mingi suddenly called out from the booth making Yeosang look up from what he was answering.
His eyes met with a pair of familiar ones— eyes that he hasn’t seen in a while. A pair of eyes that he longed for years and Yeosang couldn’t believe it.
It was Wooyoung. Wooyoung, his best friend since he was a kid. Wooyoung who had left him in high school without any goodbyes. The Wooyoung that Yeosang missed so much. His Wooyoung.
His hair was still black. It was pushed back exposing his forehead. Yeosang could only remember those times when he would help Wooyoung fix his hair to something their high school would allow.
“Of course, who do you take me for?” He said responding to Mingi. His voice didn’t change that much. It was still that pitched voice that he grew fond of.
Yeosang couldn’t move. He couldn’t believe that Wooyoung was in front of him. He thought he would never see him again as the other just left him before, no explanations, no anything.
He should be mad but he couldn’t. He could feel the longing overpower the anger of being left behind. Yeosang doesn’t know anything other than he missed his best friend.
A loud beat played once again. A different one from what Mingi had danced to earlier. Yeosang noticed that Yunho also stopped writing to watch Wooyoung take over the small dancefloor.
His body moved so smoothly, exactly the way Yeosang remembers. He matched his movements with every beat, a daring gaze looking over the audience. It was what makes his dancing so captivating that even Yeosang couldn’t take his eyes from him.
When the song ended, a lot of people had cheered, the same way they did for Mingi earlier. Except, another person cheered extra loud walking towards his old friend.
“That’s my roommate!” Yunho cheered, putting an arm around him, the height difference very noticeable.
Yeosang froze for a moment, processing what Yunho had said. But at the same time, he was so distracted by how bright Wooyoung looked, how his cheeks glistened in pink because of the heat from his dancing.
He didn’t know what to do so he just stared. Awkwardly smiling at the two. Confused why he hasn't made a move when he thinks he is so much closer to Wooyoung than any of the people greeting him right now.
“Yeo, this is my roommate that I was talking about,” Yunho finally remembered his presence, smiling widely with the familiar face still surrounded by his arm, “Wooyoung, meet Yeosang.”
Yeosang glances up, finally meeting the pair of eyes he looked from a far earlier. Wooyoung just stares at him with a small smile on his face before he offers his hand to shake.
“Nice to meet you.”
“I already know him.”
They both spoke at the same time with statements that didn’t match with each other. Yunho looked at Yeosang confused but Yeosang wasn’t sure if he heard him right.
“Huh?” Yeosang swallowed the lump in his throat as his hand started to shake, holding Wooyoung’s.
“Do you know each other?” The middle man asked, not fully grasping the situation that was happening like Yeosang. He wanted to speak out but he also wanted to know what Wooyoung had to say.
“I don’t think so?” tilting his head, it was his turn to look at Yeosang confused before he pulled away his hand, “I’ve only met him now.”
Yeosang’s heart sank. The confusion and unanswered questions piling up in his brain even more.
He wanted to disappear. Of all the scenarios he had in his mind of the day he would meet Wooyoung once again, what was happening at that time was never included in that list.
For one, he never really knew why his family moved out. They just disappeared one day and made Yeosang wait outside of their house, hoping that it would open. His mother simply told him that they moved to another country but didn’t explain why. He never heard from Wooyoung anywhere that their meeting again was narrowed down to never.
But right now, it was happening. Wooyoung was there right in front of him. When he saw him dance, he was excited to be able to jump into his arms for a tight hug.
But Wooyoung was there and he didn’t know who Yeosang was.
Yeosang tried to play it cool, shrugging off the confusion that was brought upon the three of them because then again, Yeosang knew nothing about what happened to Wooyoung back then.
“O-Oh,” He tried to let out, thinking of a lie without letting his voice crack, “I may have mistaken you from another friend that I had.”
“Hope he’s a good looking friend,” the other joked out, eyes turning to crescents with a warm smile while Yeosang’s face screams nothing but disappointment.
They don’t talk about it again. Yeosang decided to stay inside their dorm for the next few days, pretending that he was preparing for the first day that was even in a week.
The next time Yeosang saw Wooyoung was when they all gathered to go to the University Opening together. It was Yunho’s idea at first. He thought how it would be more fun to celebrate with all of the new friends he made before college even started.
He watched Jongho decide on which shirt to wear for the event. His roommate had been choosing for almost 30 minutes now, creating a small pile of shirts on his bed. On the contrary, Yeosang was sitting on his own bed, dressed lazily, waiting for Jongho to finish so that they could go down to the fair before sunset. Seonghwa had been flooding his phone already that he was there with his boyfriend, Hongjoong, which turned out to be the main reason why he joined the music organisation.
“Is this okay?” Jongho asks, facing Yeosang with a white button up paired with the denim jeans he was already wearing.
“It looks good,” He comments, “Looks like the other choices you’ve had but that’s great.”
Jongho rolled his eyes at the teasing remark, finally inserting his head in a shirt, “You know, they said your first opening lasts forever.”
“Yeah and I’m spending it with you and our other friends. I’m pretty sure this will last longer than I expect it to be.”
University Opening was something he heard a lot during orientation— and even way back to when someone advertised this university to him. It’s always claimed to be one of the best things to look forward to because of the events it had. Other than some fairs and booths, the most anticipated was the exquisite performances of the students and known artists invited to perform.
Basically a concert. With many people. Something Yeosang dislikes the most. He hates the crowd. He always feels like he is suffocating. But Yeosang reminded himself that college is about letting go. So he went even though the person he’s supposed to let go was with them.
Jongho sent a quick message to Yunho that they were finally ready before they stepped out of their room, seeing another pair walk out of theirs across them.
Yeosang still thought it was crazy how Wooyoung happened to be Yunho’s roommate, the same Yunho who occupied the dorm across theirs. It was a nice thought at first, but after the first encounter, it brought him misery. Because every time he sees his face again, he remembers all of the memories he wanted to bring back when they were neighbours living across each other.
“Took you long enough,” Yunho teased Jongho, the four of them walking together to the university grounds where the organisation fair was a few days ago.
Yeosang tried to ignore him as much as he could. He already felt too much that day he saw him again— longing? confusion? hurt? anger? All of those thrown into one big emotion that Yeosang couldn’t describe.
It was still bothering him that Wooyoung didn’t know him. He wasn’t too sure whether the other was pretending or something had happened that he didn’t know because he never knew anything in the first place. He never knew why he left. He never knew why he didn't know him.
And the thing is, Yeosang hates that he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He was never one to ask because he remembered that Wooyoung hates being forced to speak.
But Yeosang deserves to know something, at least, right?
Everything else seemed like a blur to him and Yeosang doesn’t know how he could move forward when he couldn’t see where he was going.
Yeosang could see Seonghwa waving at them by the field, sitting at a part of it to reserve for all of them. He was with Mingi and another redhead, whom Yeosang supposes was Hongjoong.
“You guys are lucky we arrived early to secure us some decent spot not too far from the stage!” Seonghwa huffed, sitting back down on the mat laid on the grass, “Food and drinks are on the left side. Not really that inviting to look at so we already called for delivery.”
“Are we not leaving in the middle of the concert?” Mingi asked, taking a sip from the drink he supposedly bought from the booths, “My brother said openings are a scam and that they’re not really that fun.”
Yeosang eyes Jongho teasingly, making the other roll his eyes at him. Yunho just shrugged because he didn’t really know what to expect. Wooyoung was glued to his phone ever since they left the dormitory.
“Hey,” Wooyoung finally spoke for the first time in a while that they had gathered, “Is it fine if I pick up my friend from the gate and let him join us?”
Everyone hums, whereas Yeosang’s gaze was just focused on the random university videos being played on the large LEDs beside the stage.
Eventually, a couple of students had finally occupied the stage and formally started the event.
When Wooyoung came back, there was another person beside him. Mingi greeted that person too enthusiastically making the rest surprised, “Sannie!” Mingi shouted standing from his seat to give the person a hug, “Jung! I didn’t know you’re friends with San.”
“He’s my best friend,” Wooyoung chortles, nudging Mingi.
Yeosang was perplexed, staring at the person Wooyoung claimed to be his best friend . From his height difference with Wooyoung, he could tell that he was as tall as himself. He looks intimidating because of his slicked back hair but his dimpled smile gives away a warm type of person.
He didn’t even realise he was glaring until Jongho spoke beside him, “You’re glaring.”
“I’m not,” Yeosang defensively says, “I was just looking at him.”
“He’s from another major in our department,” Jongho adds, as if it would benefit Yeosang knowing, “I think he’s in the same major as Wooyoung.”
“I don’t really need to know that,” Yeosang snaps and Jongho mumbles a small I’m just saying before turning his attention to the conversation with the new person.
“That’s Seonghwa and his boyfriend Hongjoong,” Wooyoung starts to introduce them one by one, pointing at the mentioned name “Yunho, my roommate,” And Yunho flashes him the biggest smile he could give, “Jongho and his roommate Yeosang.”
San waved at the new faces in front of him but Yeosang noticed that his eyes lingered at him with a smile that he couldn’t exactly depict, “Is it alright if I join you guys?” He mutters shyly but Mingi was quick to pull him down to take a seat beside him. The rest chuckled and now most of them were busy buzzing around San, while Yeosang tried to keep his gaze at the performance in front of them.
Tried.
Because as the performance gets duller as time passes by, the more Yeosang’s interest goes to the two best friends sitting in front of them. Yeosang has his head pulled in between his shoulders, eyes trying to look up from the inevitable sight in front of him. It’s hard to explain where his brain goes during those glances he gives Wooyoung and San but Yeosang can confirm that he is annoyed.
It seemed like there was a barrier between the two of them and the rest of them. Yeosang wants to believe that his annoyance was rooted from the fact that going as a group with these new people made the entire event boring. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that Wooyoung, the person he claims his best friend for life, is sitting in front of him with another person that he claims his best friend.
In fact, Yeosang wanted to cry. Despite not knowing the reason why Wooyoung had left, he knew he was bound to let him go. He knew that wherever Wooyoung was in the last five years, he had probably forgotten his friendship with Yeosang. And he hates that everything he was afraid of was happening right before him– Wooyoung forgetting their friendship and replacing him with someone else.
Yeosang has to accept that his friendship with Wooyoung was just a phase of his life that he should move on from. But from the sight in front of him, Yeosang realises that it’s hard to move on from that friendship because it has always been more than that.
So he endures while he still can.
Halfway into the event, Yeosang mentally thanks Mingi for suggesting that they leave. He was able to get some intel that there weren't any special performances and that it’s just a freely flowing event of whoever wants to jump on stage and perform. It’s not that the performances were bad, they seemed like something they could easily see in another university event. Jongho was easily convinced that openings weren’t as special when he was the first one to stand when Mingi suggested they leave.
“Do you guys want to go out and get a drink?” Seonghwa asked, “I’m kind of hungry and I think a drink would be nice too before we start this semester.”
“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” Yunho cheered, the others nodding along with the idea. Jongho looks at Yeosang, asking if he would want to join, and Yeosang just nods at him as well.
When Yeosang woke up this morning, he had no idea he’d end his day at a restaurant with his new friends with bottles of alcohol in front of them. It started out quiet. Yunho being the one leading the conversations with Mingi and the rest just responding with laughs and their own version of stories in their previous schools.
It became loud when the bottles in front of them increased and Yeosang feeling the bitter taste run down his throat even more. He was quietly sitting at the end of the table next to Jongho, a mere listener of the sudden embarrassing stories everyone throws out every now and then. Thinking about his own version of the story with Wooyoung back when they were in middle school.
The man in mind was sitting not so far from him. He was still with San and they were laughing along with the conversation. Yeosang was a mere listener of the story but a front row viewer of the two enjoying each other’s company, without even realising his consecutive drinking of the alcohol in front of him.
Yeosang didn’t know that he was drinking a lot but Wooyoung definitely did.
Everyone was taken away by the alcohol, talking in nonsense by the time Wooyoung realised he wasn’t as drunk as them. Sure, he had a few shots but he was still in his right mind to notice that Yeosang wasn’t anymore. He noticed how Yeosang progressed from being quiet to laughing out loud to something Seonghwa had said that wasn’t even close to being funny. Jongho, by his side, was even giving him weird glances because he knew that his reaction was too much for that.
“I think Yeosang drank too much now,” Wooyoung points out at Jongho and Yeosang just gives him a stare.
“Me?” He slurred, eyes close to being shut, “I’m not drunk.”
“That’s what drunk people say,” Jongho says, supporting Yeosang’s back because he almost fell from the chair from merely saying he’s not drunk.
“But I don’t want to go home yet!” San whines, “The dorms don’t have a curfew tonight because of the opening.”
Yeosang pours himself and San a shot, clinking the glass with him before loudly responding with, “Me too!” He doesn’t even know why he did that when he despised the person a few hours ago.
“I think you’ve had enough,” Jongho sits him down, but the rest glares at him because it was obvious that they don’t want to go home yet, “I should take him home.”
“I’ll take him,” Wooyoung buts in suggestively, walking towards their side, grabbing Yeosang’s arm, Yeosang looked at him confused, “I’m tired too and I didn’t drink that much.”
Jongho tugs on Yeosang’s other arm, Wooyoung can sense the hesitation from Jongho, “He’s my roommate. I can do it.”
Yeosang was just standing there in between two people who were glaring at each other, a little exhausted so he sat down again, pouting, “Woo can take me home,” He randomly blurts out, a look of surprise spread on Wooyoung’s face. He was quick to put a hand on his mouth, not expecting himself to say it.
“But–” Jongho tried to speak, but Yunho held Jongho down from protesting, “You’re drunk too. Just trust Wooyoung.” He said before Jongho could even say anything. Yeosang just nodded at his roommate, patting his back for reassurance. Jongho sank on his seat in defeat.
Yeosang allowed himself to be supported by Wooyoung, a hand lingering on his waist to steady his steps. Heaving a sigh, Yeosang doesn’t know what he’s gotten himself into. He doesn’t know why his mouth is doing the talking for him when his plan was to stay away from Wooyoung as much as he could.
The moonlight shines brighter than the streetlamps in the pavement they’re walking on. Yeosang was lucky that the restaurant that they went to wasn’t too far from the dorms. But either way, a walk would be nice to lessen the impact of the drink he had.
Still, the alcohol is running through his veins. The thoughts rolled back to Yeosang’s head while they walked in silence. He knows that the person with him was his Wooyoung. He was reminded that this person claimed to not know him when they had met. He was reminded that this person brought another with him, claiming them to be his best friend. And for some reason, glancing at Wooyoung’s face reminded him of everything .
Suddenly it was disturbing him. He thought it’s unfair for him to be casually walking back to their dormitory with an old friend, like old times, still without an explanation why he left. Letting him back into his life seemed like the beginning of a cycle on his head that he could never get away from because he never got what he deserves.
Suddenly, Yeosang felt the emotional baggage that Wooyoung had left him carrying. Even if he decided to let everything go, Wooyoung just casually came back into his life like nothing happened.
And Yeosang couldn’t take it anymore.
Yeosang pulled away from the support, making Wooyoung look at him in shock, “Why are you taking me home?”
Confused, Wooyoung tried to reach for Yeosang again to refrain him from stumbling, “Because you’re drunk?”
“I know but why you?”
“You said I could?” Wooyoung is really confused now because Yeosang saw him tilt his head to the side.
“Why did you?” Yeosang hears his own voice break, the high from the alcohol decreasing into something else. He could feel his heart ready to burst, tears forming in the brim of his eyes. The alcohol talking for himself, “Why are you letting yourself into my life again when you know I’m too weak to stop you?”
Finally getting a grasp of what is happening, Wooyoung strides forward to grab his arm, “Yeo…”
“This is so unfair!” He screams, pulling away from the grasp, closing his fists to hit Wooyoung’s chest, “You can’t just leave and come back as if nothing happened. As if you didn’t know me at all. Even if you did, you came back and going off that you have a new best friend? What the fuck, Woo.”
“Yeo, please let me explain,” Wooyoung coos, trying to hold Yeosang’s arms together but Yeosang was too strong and pushed him back, making him stumble.
“You were my best friend, Woo,” Yeosang cried out, his entire body shaking from the overflowing emotions he suddenly felt, having a hard time to catch his breath with every word he lets out, “You were the only friend I had but you just had to leave without telling me, cutting every tie you’ve had with me. For five fucking years, I’ve been so lost. Hoping the door would open and you’d be there but you weren’t. And I fucking hate you for that. I fucking hate yo–”
Wooyoung pulled him, closing the distance between them, pressing his lips against Yeosang’s.
Yeosang froze. His shaking body suddenly came to a halt that all he could feel was the pressure on his lips. Wooyoung’s lips were pillow soft, enveloping his own in between. There was a faint taste of alcohol every time Wooyoung parts his lips, or Yeosang wasn’t even sure if it was his own.
All in a split second, Wooyoung pulls away, eyes staring at Yeosang who was still standing firm in surprise, “Are you calm now?”
Yeosang, however, had no thoughts in his brain. He wanted to go off again but his body felt weak that his head unconsciously nodded on its own. Maybe it was the intoxication, it has to be.
Wooyoung conveniently finds a bench near them, assisting Yeosang to sit. He was staring at the dead street in front of them, no vehicles passing by, just the streetlights blinking on its own.
“I didn’t mean to leave you.” Wooyoung finally speaks after that haste action he did a few moments ago.
It felt weird. Yeosang didn’t know what to feel. In the last five years of his life, whenever he remembers Wooyoung, all he wanted to know was why he left. Now that he’s finally getting the answer, he suddenly doesn't know what to feel and Wooyoung hasn’t even started yet.
“You know how I told you that I’ve never stayed in the same city too long as I did when I stayed with you?” Wooyoung starts, recalling that time he told Yeosang that when they were twelve, “I left because of my father’s job. It was that urgent that I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. It was that serious that I had to cut ties with you for a while.”
“I thought your father was a businessman?” Yeosang asked, remembering Wooyoung’s father like a short memory in his head.
“He’s the leader of a gang,” Wooyoung finally drops, “Pirate King. The ones who trade drugs and other illegal stuff.”
“What?”
“That time, he got into an argument with another gang, saying he wasn’t abiding rules. They knew everything about our family and threatened everything we had at that time,” He continues without any warning. As if he had been preparing for this day to come himself, “I had to pretend I didn’t know you because they were still coming at us. Even after five years.”
“Woo…” Yeosang moved closer to him, his hand resting on Wooyoung’s back to comfort him.
“I know I should’ve told you sooner when I could’ve but even now isn’t a safe time. There’s so much more to say but I couldn't risk your safety.” Wooyoung was the one who’s shaking this time, blinking away the tears from falling, “But I just told you that so you’d know that I never purposely left you. I never purposely ignored you and that I hate that I had to. I’m sorry I had to let you go through everything and I don’t know what happens after this but I just want you to trust me.”
Yeosang suddenly had a change of heart. Heart opening again to let Wooyoung in, “Wooyoung, it’s fine. I trust you.”
The difference between not knowing and knowing is too big that Yeosang could only be thankful that Wooyoung had finally told him the truth. It felt like a big weight had been lifted from his shoulder that even in the last five years, not once did he lose his friend by soul.
Letting out a deep breath, Wooyoung looked at Yeosang with a small smile, “Let’s get you home.”
Out of familiarity, Yeosang pulled Wooyoung into a tight hug, his face nuzzled closer to Wooyoung. He had no idea why he did that, but it felt nice to have him back in his arms. They walked hand in hand, like they used to before. Everything seemed so much better than it was before. As if Yeosang had forgotten the last five years of his life because he has Wooyoung back now and he’s back for real.
And it felt too good to be true.
Now, the problem with getting drunk is trying to separate reality from dream… or even grasping anything in memory.
Yeosang starts his day with a headache. It was too late to regret drinking, forgetting that he was a light drinker.
He gets out of bed and takes a bottle of water from the mini fridge inside their dorm. He noticed that he had changed clothes, decided to praise himself a little for even managing to do that in his drunk state.
He pulls out the chair in front of him and collapses onto the table. He groans in pain because last night might be the night he drank the most bottles he could. He lost count at 5 and couldn’t remember anything after that.
Jongho was still sleeping in his bed, dressed in the same white button up and jeans he had when they left. His phone was buzzing with messages from Mingi who probably had an epiphany of his drunken state last night.
But Yeosang couldn’t remember anything.
He remembers getting drunk because he was annoyed at Wooyoung and San but he doesn’t remember anything after that. There were fragmented images in his head before he woke up but he wasn’t too sure if it was real or not… or it was just too hard to believe that Wooyoung had brought him home and not Jongho.
Giving up on the day, knowing that there might still be alcohol in his veins, making his head faze, Yeosang decided to go back to sleep and never wake up for the day again even if it would cause his head to hurt more.
To his dismay, he woke up again at night, out of his own will, seeing another human flesh other than Jongho.
A loud knock was banging through their door and it made Yeosang see that it was only 7 in the evening. His plan was to wake up the next day but the door had other plans.
Seeing that his roommate was still passed out in bed, Yeosang stood from his own to answer the endless knocks. “What do you need?” He snapped, seeing a decent looking Yunho.
“Is Wooyoung here?” Yunho asks, eyes scanning the room behind him.
“Why would he be here?” Yeosang asks innocently in return, “It’s just me and Jongho since this morning.”
Yunho raised an eyebrow at him, with looks of confusion, “How much do you remember from last night?”
“Not a lot….” Yeosang trailed off, afraid of what Yunho had to say. “Did I do something stupid?”
Yunho chuckled, shaking his head, “Don’t worry, you were a quiet drunk,” He reassures, “But you drank a lot that Wooyoung had to take you home earlier than anyone else. That’s why I’m wondering if Wooyoung is here because he didn’t come home last night.”
It was a lot to take in and Yeosang starts to regret ever taking a drop of alcohol. First, he couldn’t believe that Wooyoung took him home. He couldn’t believe he would even let him. No matter how hard he tried to recall last night, he couldn’t grasp any.
Second, He shouldn’t care but he couldn’t help but ask, “What do you mean he’s not home?”
“When I got back, he wasn’t there. I thought he stayed the night here but even after I woke up, he’s still not there.”
“Have you tried calling him?”
“Of course,” Yunho pulls out his phone from his pocket showing multiple logs of missed calls, “He’s not answering too.”
Yeosang couldn’t think of anything. Afraid that something might have happened last night that he couldn’t remember. If anything, he’s the one liable for Wooyoung missing, “I’m sorry I couldn’t remember anything.”
“I’m sure he’s not in danger,” Yunho could only say, “If he managed to take you home, that is.”
“Let’s believe that.” Yeosang patted his back for comfort, “I’ll let you know if I remember anything.”
Yeosang couldn’t remember anything.
When he woke up again the next day, his hangover was finally gone. He felt weak because he didn’t eat yesterday, so he decided to go to the convenience store on his own because Jongho was still passed out in bed.
The bell of the convenience store chimed, the part timer greeted a good morning. He went straight to the aisle of the microwavable meals, settling for an unhealthy choice of ramen and kimbap, “That seems a good choice for breakfast.” A person on his side spoke, making him look up from the package at hand.
The pushed back hair from the other night was now a fluffy mop on his head, the same dimpled smile still there, “Hello,” Yeosang mumbles quietly at San who took the same choice of food as him.
Yeosang heaves a sigh as he walks towards the cashier, where San casually follows him, “You eating here?” He asks and Yeosang hums a response, “Do you mind if I eat with you?”
I would mind . Yeosang thought but San didn’t need to know that. So he flashed the same smile San had been giving him since last night and nods, paying for his own food, “I’ll be on the seat outside,” Yeosang announced, saving a seat for the two of them.
For a moment, Yeosang pictured himself clinking glass with San last night, agreeing that they don’t want to go home yet. But from the two, Yeosang was the one forced to go home.
Shaking his head, Yeosang prepares his own food, still in denial that the things he’s remembering were a brink of his memories of that night.
Yeosang dreamt of Wooyoung kissing him and explaining everything. But the explanations were muffled in his head that he couldn’t make up the words he said. Eitherway, Yeosang could tell that his dream wasn’t real the moment Wooyoung had kissed him.
The chair in front of him was pulled out, San sitting across him. He started taking out his own food and preparing it as well, “I’m guessing you were asleep yesterday?”
“Dead,” Yeosang managed to joke, “I’m never drinking again.”
San chuckled at his comment before they started talking about the things they at least remember that night. Perhaps San was as drunk as him that night too.
It was then when Yeosang realised that San might know what happened to Wooyoung since he was his best friend, “Hey San,” Yeosang called out, “Do you know where Wooyoung is?”
“What do you mean?” San asks. A wave of confusion painted on his face, “Is he not in the dorms?”
Yeosang shakes his head, “Yunho said he hasn’t been home since the other night after taking me home. I thought you might know where he is.”
“I don’t know where he is,” San says, placing his unused chopsticks to the side, “He hasn’t called either.”
Yeosang hums, unsure what to say, “Yunho said if he’s not home by tonight, we should look for him. Especially now that no one knows where he is.”
San can’t say anything to that because he thinks it’s weird that Wooyoung had to go missing at this time. Yeosang saw him pull his phone out, obviously typing a text to someone, he assumes was Wooyoung.
“Do you really not remember anything that night?” San asks and Yeosang could only shake his head.
“Does this happen often?” Yeosang calmly asks, thinking that San might know something he doesn’t. San gives him a knowing look, shaking his head.
After that sudden reveal, they both quietly ate the food they bought. Leaving back to their dorms with small goodbyes, both of them obviously scared for Wooyoung.
Yeosang should be used to Wooyoung disappearing randomly. It was something he had already done and even after five years, he managed to come back. But for some reason, this time around, there was a different feel to his disappearance.
The look San had given him when he found out that Wooyoung didn’t come home was worrying as well. It seemed like he knew something but didn’t tell them.
So the next day, all of them had gathered to look for Wooyoung. Yeosang avoided informing San but he managed to be at the same meeting place as all of them.
“I think we should just wait for Wooyoung to come back,” San suggests and everyone looked at him confused, “I just think.”
“Don’t you think it’s weird?” Yeosang snaps, “That your best friend disappears? Or are you really his best friend?”
“I just think I know my best friend more than you do,” San eyes him. The rest were surprised at the sudden argument, the tension rising.
With those words, San was able to knock Yeosang down. A pang in his heart was felt that whatever San had just said was true. No matter how much Yeosang denies it.
“Just trust Wooyoung,” San adds, “I might not be too sure where he is right now but I’m sure he’ll come around.”
And as much as they want to go around and look for Wooyoung, they believed in San instead.
On the fourth day since that night, the last weekend before they all start college, Wooyoung appears.
Yeosang was out at that time when he saw Wooyoung on his way back to the dorms. He wasn’t sure at first but it was impossible to mistaken him for someone else.
“Wooyoung?” Yeosang calls out and the owner of the mentioned name turns to look at him.
“Oh. Hi Yeosang!” He greets with a smile but Yeosang couldn’t help himself but run towards the other, pulling him into a hug.
“What the hell, I thought I’d lose you again,” Yeosang blurts out, not knowing where this courage was coming from.
But in the past four days, he felt nothing but anxiety. It made him think that Wooyoung disappearing five years ago wasn’t the same as him disappearing now. It all seemed too sketchy and Yeosang confirmed his guesses, seeing a bruise on Wooyoung’s cheek.
“What happened to you?” He asks, hand carefully touching the bruise, “Where have you been?”
“Sorry, I got kidnapped.” Wooyoung casually says, pinching Yeosang’s cheeks because he thought the other was cute after approaching him.
Yeosang’s eyes widened, “Kidnapped? How could you say that so easily?” He exclaimed, “Are you okay? Did they get caught?”
“Yeo….” Wooyoung quietly says, “Are we okay now?”
“Huh?” Yeosang looks down, surprised at his own actions as well. It was like another wave of intoxication hit his own body, acting on its own, but this time Yeosang was drunk on reality.
He pulled away, standing firmly but Wooyoung was quick to pull him back in their previous position, “I’m glad,” Wooyoung says and Yeosang was sure he could hear the smile in his voice.
Yeosang takes a breath, stops himself from enjoying the hug being shared, “No? I don’t understand but I just care for my new friend?”
Wooyoung’s smile fades away, a look of confusion replaced, “No? I already explained to you everything and that I apologised.”
“Wooyoung, I was drunk.” Yeosang says as a matter of fact.
“I thought you remember?”
Yeosang huffs, reminded by the only thing he remembered that night, “I only remember how you said San was your best friend. The rest were a blur.”
“You don’t remember me kissing you?” Wooyoung teases, and Yeosang was quick to push him away, reminded by the only memory he had that he believed to be a dream.
“What do you mean?” Yeosang exclaimed, pretending that he doesn’t know anything.
Everything seemed like a dream before but as the days passed, he had accepted that whatever he remembers from that night might be reality. Even if it seemed hard to believe that Wooyoung did that, he mostly believed that Wooyoung might have explained that night even if it was a blur to him.
And when San says trust Wooyoung, he decides the moment he sees him again, he’d act like the way they used to, like a new friend. Even if there were a couple of things he was still unsure of.
But he wasn’t expecting that to be real of all the things he remembered.
“How much do you remember?” Wooyoung asks in reassurance.
“Nothing of you taking me home.” Yeosang shrugs, “Or maybe I do remember but I wasn’t too sure.”
“Then why are you acting like we’re fine now?”
“Because…” Yeosang trailed off, “Wait. Does that mean you know who I am? You remember that I’m your friend? That whatever I think I remember was real?”
“How could I not know you?” Wooyoung says gently, “You’re my best friend.”
Yeosang’s heart started beating faster, the euphoric feeling taking over the longing and confusion once again. All of the anger and hatred he once felt, all put aside because he could never make Wooyoung feel those. And only Wooyoung could make him feel this way.
Wooyoung reminds him of what he doesn’t remember. Reminds him that he was the one who took him home. Reminds him that his father was a part of a gang and added that his father recently died that’s why he was in charge for the past months, coming back to Seoul.
He adds that San’s father works under the gang, that’s why he made friends with him because they both don’t want to be affiliated with the works of their family.
“Does this mean you’re next in line?” Yeosang curiously asked, “Is that why you were avoiding me?”
“For your safety, yes,” Wooyoung hums.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your father died.” Yeosang coos, “I hope he’s in a better place now.”
“I wasn’t there for you either.”
“Well you’re here now.”
Wooyoung gives him a warm smile before he adds, “But I’m not stepping to my father’s position. I’d leave the job with Younghyun and San’s father because I want to live a normal life.”
It’s the least Wooyoung could do. The last twenty years of his life was nothing but feeling threatened. Like one day, someone could easily just shoot them or kill them, and they’d disappear from the face of the earth without anyone finding them. Wooyoung's priority now is simply keeping everyone safe.
“Okay,” Yeosang quietly says, unsure of what to say with that comment, “Okay.”
“I’m really sorry for leaving before.” Wooyoung says gently, “You don’t deserve that but that was my life before.”
“I don’t mind,” Yeosang shrugs, smiling, “We could simply pick up whatever was left and continue from there.”
“No.” He watches Wooyoung’s expression change, “I don’t want to pick up the past and continue it just now. In fact, I don’t want anything we’ve had in the past to be a part of now,”
“W-What?”
“I don’t deserve you now and the friendship you had given me,” Wooyoung starts and Yeosang’s body starts to shake. Just when everything was going well, “And I can’t turn back time to change it.”
Yeosang stared at him deeply, not knowing where Wooyoung was going. His expressions were hard to depict because despite saying something that could break Yeosan’s heart, he was smiling.
One of Wooyoung’s hands starts to make its way to his cheek, Yeosang nuzzling over it. “I’d want us to start from zero.”
In truth, Wooyoung doesn’t know what he was thinking. It was a mindless decision of starting over but he knew with Yeosang, everything would go smoothly.
And Yeosang thought of the perfect start. He doesn’t need to directly respond to what Wooyoung had said but he knew what he had to say.
“I’m Yeosang,” Yeosang says with a big smile on his face, “I think we’ll be great friends.”
“I’m Wooyoung. I think so too.”
❀
[Footnote: Maybe they really did start from zero so that they could know each other just like the first time, differently this time. And maybe there were more first time memories made after that because they were finally together... romantically speaking.]
[and that was Wooyoung’s plan in the first place because there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.]