Chapter Text
There are a lot of things the general public doesn't know about werewolves. That Remus Lupin was one of them, for example, or that they couldn't have certain sicknesses for longer than a month.
The thing is, when werewolves change into a wolf at the full moon, all the things that happened to their wolf body showed on their human body too. It was the reason why Remus had so much scars. But the wolf had a scar right over its nose from when Remus, when he was younger, had rollerskated into a table (and, neeedless to say, he had been in his human form at the time).
When a werewolf would catch a sickness in human form there was a chance they wouldn't have it anymore after the transformation, There were certain diseases, mostly magical ones, that wolves simply couldn't get. And once the wolf was rid of it, the human was too, after the transformation.
It explained how Remus could be in love with Sirius Black his whole life without ever getting the Hanahaki disease. Wolves didn't really do complicated feelings like love.
Humans did, as proved by James Potter one night. Remus and him were the only ones left in the common room, studying, when suddenly James started coughing, and before he could stop him, Remus had caught a petal.
It belonged to a lily, because of course it did, and Remus felt ice-cold fear spread in his veins the way flowers never would. James deserved to live, and love.
It reminded Remus a little of himself, the way James stubbornly held on to his love.
He wanted to help him, so he did that the only way he could. He gave him hope. Remus knew that he would hate it if someone did this to himself, because the only way he'd survived so far was by not hoping.
Every moment he dared to hope, dared to think that maybe the arm slung around him meant something more, his mood was lifted higher, higher, higher, and then he crashed and burned. Every time it hurt worse.
Then again, he wouldn't die without the hope (it felt more like he would die every time he allowed it), so he told James that he'd seen Lily wear a certain little green bracelet.
"I gave that one to her," James says, dazedly, almost unbelievingly, but James Potter trusts his friends.
"Did you now," Remus replied, and he thinks that it's a good thing he didn't have to lie.
It's a good thing because James would never let his love be taken away. He would keep it, and nurture it, and in the end he would collect the blood stained petals he thought most beautiful and give them to Lily, without expecting anything back.
He felt jealous of them sometimes, after they'd gotten together, when they were all lounging on the couches in the common room.
He'd see James and Lily cuddled up together, and at the same time he'd be holding Sirius in his arms, and he would realize it wasn't enough. He wanted what they had, wanted to smile down at Sirius and know they were together.
As It was, he could only smile down at Sirius and be painfully reminded that they weren't together, while at the same time being stunned by the sleepy smile Sirius gave him back.
He wished he could get Hanahaki sometimes, and not just because he wouldn't be a werewolf anymore. They could take it away then, not only the flowers and impending death, but also the urge to buy Sirius flowers and the feeling of impending death any time Sirius looked at him.
He knows he should be happy that wolves don't do those complicated emotions, and sometimes he is, on days where he needs an excuse to tear himself apart.
On the days after though, he feels... different. He feels clean, in a weird sort of way, weak, in a way that makes his hands shake just the littlest bit, and stripped bare.
That's why it's such a bad idea to write letters in that state, especially letters to the one you've loved for so many years that you've lost count.
Remus had realized this in the summer before seventh year. Sirius had asked him to tell how the full moon went.
The first mistake Remus had made was being honest. The full moon had sucked because he was used to having his friends there to help and they hadn't been there, and he had really wanted to keep it to himself because the moment he'd let that slip Sirius would want to come over for every full moon to come.
His parents wouldn't allow it, because they didn't know that his friends knew he was a werewolf, and Sirius would come anyway, and Remus wouldn't be able to deny him anything and it would be a disaster.
The second mistake he made was that he didn't disguise his feelings for Sirius. The moment he reread it, he noted that the fondness practically dripped of the page, from inside joke to nickname to the way he signed it.
The third mistake was actually sending it. He'd thought that it might be good, that Sirius would maybe like the letter, maybe send one back, maybe sign his with "Yours" too, but none of that happened.
He'd poured his heart out, as good as he could, and it'd been a mess and half of it had spilled over the table, but it was obvious, to anyone who knew him as well as Sirius, that there were feelings involved.
He'd never gotten a letter back. That was answer enough.
He needed to get over it, he really did. It just... turned out to be impossible. These feelings were just always at the back of his mind.
Sirius didn't exactly help, though. Their friendship had been tactile and affectionate from the start, but that was just the way it was. Remus had almost gotten used to the unique ache when people thought they were dating.
Thing is, Remus watched him probably more than strictly healthy, and he'd come to the conclusion that Sirius didn't really do serious relationships.
It had started with Marlene. When Sirius had introduced her as his girlfriend, they had been tense, and barely touched each other. Remus figured it was because it was still early in their relationship.
Then they'd gone to the Gryffindor table for lunch, and suddenly they were acting completely different. Mary asked if they were together now, and Sirius had pulled Marlene closer to him, and said that, yes, they were. (Remus already knew, it shouldn't have hurt anymore)
It was a pattern. Remus could still vividly remember (because he was self-destructive like that) the time that Sirius' current boyfriend had offhandedly mentioned that the flowers on top of the quidditch goals seemed beautiful.
The rust-eating flowers had been planted there as an experiment from Alice, a girl from their year, and, as Sirius said after he climbed down, flower in his hands, "they had to be removed anyway"
His boyfriend (his name was Caradoc. Remus still saw him sometimes, sometimes with his boyfriend Benjy, and now that he'd gotten over the initial dislike, he had to admit he was actually quite nice) had kissed him in thanks.
Sirius had responded enthusiastically (fun fact: Remus intestines had responded just as enthusiastically, although they didn't seem to have half as much fun), but later, when it was just Sirius and all his friends and Caradoc, they'd barely touched each other.
Remus didn't know if he loved or hated that Sirius' romantic relationships were that way. On the one hand, it might help getting over him if it was even more obvious that he didn't have a chance. On the other hand, Remus might just die if someone else got to hold Sirius.
Sirius had the irritating habit that once in every year, or maybe every two years, he'd distance himself from Remus for a while, and while Remus had never found the reason for it, it kept happening.
It was happening right now, actually, but it was probably almost over again, because Sirius had sent him a letter to meet up (it was more formal than what Sirius usually did, but Remus had been so happy that Sirius had reached out to him that he hadn't thought much of it).
Then he heard the sound of the door opening, and he saw Sirius standing there, his hair braided back.
The full moon had only been a few days ago, and Remus couldn't help it: there was such a sudden rise of affection that he couldn't keep it all in, and some of it spilled over, into his smile.
Remus had heard a lot of awful sounds in his life. He'd heard his mom cry after he was turned, he'd heard nails on a chalkboard, he'd heard Snape call Lily a mudblood, but nothing quite compared to the sound of Sirius coughing.
Remus thought it couldn't get any worse; he was wrong. There was a petal cradled in Sirius hands when he got up.
And Remus remembered. Remus had seen James cough up flowers too, and he'd been so, so afraid and now he was again.
He didn't want Sirius to die, obviously, but a small, selfish part of him (a part that he didn't let out much) also didn't want Sirius to fall for someone else.
Luckily Sirius had at least stopped coughing.
The first thing that got through to Remus was that Sirius was angry at him, really angry. He didn't understand what he'd done wrong, but he'd gladly apologize if that meant Sirius would stop looking so closed off, so on edge, so unhappy.
When Sirius started talking, Remus stopped functioning. Sirius said- he said the petals were because of Remus? That couldn't be right.
And then- then he said that he'd fallen for Remus multiple times, while Remus hardly believed that anyone could fall for him once.
Suddenly Sirius' tone isn't pissed off anymore, but this is worse. Now he sounds broken. Remus looks at him, where he's still standing in the doorway, and he desperately wants him to walk in. He wants Sirius to get inside, to sit down on the sofa, to talk to him, to-
He doesn't want him to stand there like there's even a chance that he wouldn't be welcome, that his feelings aren't returned. He wants to tell him this, wants to go up to him. His feet suddenly don't seem to work.
Sirius says he's leaving, and Remus desperately wants him to stay.
No words come out of his mouth, though. He can't fuck this up. What if he says the wrong thing? Should he immediately tell Sirius he likes him back? Should he ask him to get inside first? Would Sirius run away if he gets any closer? (It looks like he might)
But before he can say anything Sirius is gone. Fuck.
It's practically impossible to track someone who apparated, so the best course of action would be to figure out where Sirius could have gone.
While his first impulse was to run out of the door and search for Sirius, he walked back into the house and searched for his two-way mirror. All of the marauders had gotten one from James to communicate, it was easily the most valuable thing in his whole house (if only Sirius had stayed and walked inside, then that wouldn't be the case)
"James?"
"That's me."
"Is Sirius with you?"
"Is that why you called? No, he isn't. Didn't he tell you he was leaving today?"
Remus is suddenly really glad that he hasn't directed the two-way-mirror at his own face, and swallows. "No, he- he did tell me, I just wasn't aware it was today. If I wanted to say goodbye, where should I go? The portkey office?"
"Sirius wanted to try out flying with a plane, the idiot. So you need to go to the airfort."
"The airport, you mean."
"Yeah, that. Are you okay, Moony? You sound... different."
Damn James Potter and his selective perceptiveness towards those he cares about.
"I'm fine."
"Tell Pads goodbye from us too, will you? I would've done it myself, but Lils already had plans for today, and someone has to take care of Harry. Harry, come say hi to your uncle!"
After Harry had spewed out some gibberish that vaguely sounded like his nickname, Remus ended the call.
There was only one airport near, but since they didn't allow werewolves to learn how to apparate, Remus needed to call a cab. The logic behind the rule was, according to the ministry, that they didn't want any wolves apparating on a full moon, killing people left and right. The logic behind the rule was also, according to Sirius, "really fucking stupid, you can't even do the simplest spells when you're a wolf, so how are you supposed to apparate? It's just plain old discrimination."
Remus got lost in that memory for a moment, in how Sirius eyes had gleamed with determination, and how he'd done more work than Remus had ever see him do before, just to send a tremendously long letter to the ministry protesting their decision.
Maybe that was the moment he fell in love with him. (It was probably earlier, though. Remus didn't notice the spark of tenacity in just anyone's eyes)
The shock of the cab stopping shook him out of his thoughts, and he got out and paid (he couldn't really afford this, but he had to. Who needed chocolate anyway?)
He probably looked ridiculous, running into the airport, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He needed to find Sirius, he didn't know when his flight was so he had to be fast.
The airport was way too crammed. He cast the disillusionment charm to get past the check-in, but after that he was lost.
He walked around, trying to look everywhere, trying to look for that mop of black hair, He couldn't find it, but the second time he walked past gate 10, an old lady took pity on him.
"Are you looking for something, dear?"
He took a look at her friendly smile, and decided it wouldn't hurt to try.
"Someone, rather. I'm looking for my friend. Long black hair, grey eyes and wearing a leather jacket?"
He hadn't expected her to actually know who he was talking about, but her eyes lit up, and she said: "Oh, yes, I've seen him! Last time I saw him he wasn't at any of the gates, but next to the sandwich shop. He didn't look too happy though, and I can only hope you're here to change that."
She looked sternly at him from above her glasses, and he was suddenly strangely reminded of McGonagall.
"I am. " As soon as the words left his mouth, he realized it was true. Sirius loved him, had to, and he loved him back. That was a good thing, a very good thing.
He went to the sandwich shop, and sure enough, Sirius was sitting there. Remus went to sit beside him.
"Hey."
Gray eyes widened, and turned to him for a second, before Sirius stood up and set a few steps in the opposite direction.
Remus couldn't let that happen, not again. He grabbed his sleeve.
"Please, wait. Listen to what I have to say, please."
He released his sleeve, but Sirius remained frozen in place. He didn't turn around, but he didn't walk away further, so Remus counted that as a win.
He had no idea what to say, but he wasn't about to fuck this up again, so he'd just be honest and straightforward this time, like a true Gryffindor. "I love you too."
That got Sirius to turn around. "You didn't get the disease." he said, still not coming closer, one hand hovering in the air as if he had wanted to touch Remus but stopped.
"One of the few benefits of being a werewolf, I guess."
They stood there in silence for a while. Only then did Remus see that Sirius eyes were red-rimmed. He, while still not fully believing that this was all real, raised one of his hands and carefully held Sirius face. "Can I kiss you now?"
Sirius smiled softly, and moved his head to the side to press a kiss against his hand, "Not yet. There's some things I've got to say first."
Remus didn't remove his hand, and waited.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you. You didn't deserve that and I was completely out of line. I was just so- so mad, but not at you. It felt a bit like I was on fire, and the flowers inside of me too. I thought that was a good thing, but" He avoided Remus gaze, "Then I saw you looking hurt, and only then did I know that my heart had turned into ashes in the process."
Remus kind of wants to say something along the lines of "you're so dramatic, Pads.", but It gets stuck in his throat, and all that comes out is: "I should've stopped you. Or told you immediately that I was in love with you, that would've spared us so much trouble."
"Oh, just shut up and kiss me," Sirius says, and Remus complies.
He isn't aware of how long they stand there, only knows that at some point someone asked them if they could move out of the way, please, and that he saw the elder lady from before again, who looked remarkably smug, and that there were a lot of announcements, and that after one of those Sirius said, "That was my flight."
Remus grinned at him. "Was it, now?"
And Sirius laughs back at him, says: "Yes, it was. But I'd rather be here, anyway."
Remus' even brighter smile at that is swallowed by Sirius lips. He doesn't mind.