Archive of Our Own

The guy mumbled in his sleep. He kept trying to say something, started with an S but he never got the full thing out. Other times he’d just grunt sleepily. He wasn’t twitchy and he didn’t talk the whole time just occasionally mumbled something incoherent then rolled over.

She was glad he was taking her somewhere within a day's reach because if the past couple of hours with him was any indication she couldn’t imagine spending more than a day with him.

Ellie pulled a chair up to the window to look outside and beyond the wall where she would be going. She’d thought about it, wondered what it was like with no soldiers to tell you everything you have to do every moment of every day, the only boss being yourself. Well it wouldn’t really be that way because she’d still have the two smugglers telling her what to do but going somewhere that dangerous with no real protection would just be stupid.

She knew from experience.

She heard more movement from him behind her and turned to see he’d finally woken up which kinda dampened her mood. Luckily the other one, Tess? She showed up which meant it was time to get going.

Soon she’d be with the Fireflies and she could forget about this whole thing.

Just a quick deadly journey across the city. Easy peasy.

____________________________

Well that was not fucking easy peasy. Ellie thought to herself as they exited the museum. She’d had her doubts about this journey in all honesty. She couldn’t believe they even made it past the soldiers let alone the copious amounts of infected they’d encountered. 

Through this journey she saw why Marlene trusted these guys. To say she was impressed with how well they took care of both the soldiers and infected was an understatement. Guess you don’t just fumble your way through twenty years. And maybe they weren’t as bad as she thought originally. She still just wanted this quick journey to be over with but they, or rather Joel, didn’t make this trip as unbearable as she thought he would.

Now that they were almost there she was glad Marlene hired these two.

____________________________

Shit shit shit shit shit shit!

She didn’t have time to process anything, the Fireflies were dead, Tess was dead, soldiers were swarming the building and now there were only two of them.

They were behind cover, Joel seemed to be listening and, as if subconsciously, he seemed to protect her with his body, surrounding her and putting his arm over top with his hand on the crate. It made her slightly uncomfortable but right now it didn’t matter they just needed to make it out of here in one piece.

She tried apologizing but he clearly didn’t wanna hear it. Seemed like he’d prefer they barely talk at all which kinda ticked her off. He really wants to travel that far without talking? She thought. She just figured she’d go with it for now, it wasn’t like he made for engaging conversation.

____________________________

They’d been on the road for a day now and he still barely talked to her, maybe quick things here and there, he’d answer some questions she’d ask about things she spotted. He didn’t seem like he hated answering her questions but she didn’t want to push anything. She’d wait a couple hours before asking another question.

“So did you ever think about joining the Fireflies?” Ellie asked.

“Hm, maybe close to the beginning. I never really uh, got along with the military,” he said quietly. She noticed something about him. Everytime the military or the beginning of the infection was brought up he seemed to feel the watch on his left wrist. Ellie figured it had some sentimental value to it and also figured asking him about that would definitely piss him off, so she stayed away from it.

“How come you never joined?” she pressed on with her previous question.

“The battle they’re fighting was a losing one from the start kid. Your friend Marlene ain’t exactly cut out for leadership.”

Ellie took slight offense to that. Ellie had looked up to Marlene her whole life, wanted to help her cause when she was old enough and would probably start fighting with her after the end of this journey. “You think you could do any better?” she questioned.

“Nope,” he responded which took her off guard a little. “Little word of advice kid, never take on something you can’t handle.”

She wanted to argue his point about Marlene but didn’t know how. Nothing she could argue came to mind and that pissed her off. “At least the Fireflies don’t kill kids in cold blood, otherwise I’d be dead.” She said, trying to argue something to defend them.

“Yeah,” Joel mumbled, grazing his thumb over the dial of his watch. “I’ll give em that much.”

She knew she shouldn’t ask but curiousity, as it always fucking did, got the best of her and she just blurted it out before she could think. “Why do you keep looking at your watch?”

He went silent for a second and she knew she crossed a line. Shit.

“None of your damn business,” he grumbled.

They didn’t talk the rest of the day.

When night fell they’d found an empty house on the side of the road they could get some to sleep in. Joel still hadn’t said anything to her other than the occasional “this way” and “over here”. And it made her feel guilty that she’d brought up the watch, it was clearly something personal that he didn’t want to share with some little kid he met a day ago. She was about to apologize before seeing that he’d already fallen asleep and figured she’d just apologize in the morning. He’d probably be in a better mood then.

She didn’t sleep well, more bad dreams. She didn’t always remember them, she just knew they were bad. She was happy to have woken up and escaped from whatever the hell she was having nightmares about. She woke up pretty early in the morning because it was still pitch black outside. She turned and- SHIT! Joel was fucking gone. Shit shit shit fuck shit fuck! 

This was it, he figured this job wasn’t worth it, he already told her to never take on something she couldn’t handle. How the fuck was she gonna survive? She’s just fourteen! She can’t survive all on her fucking ow- oh he’s right there.

Now she felt pretty stupid because if she’d just looked she’d have seen him outside on the old broken down porch, leaning on the rail. He seemed relaxed, maybe keeping watch while she slept.

She figured she’d try to apologize now while he seemed calm. She approached and took up the same position he did, leaning over the rail. They didn’t talk for a bit, just the sounds of their breathing and the wind, rustling the leaves and sending garbage tumbling down the road. It was oddly peaceful.

As nice as it felt she grew tired of the silence. “Hey uh, I’m sorry about what I said I shouldn’t have asked about that.”

He didn’t respond and she slumped her shoulders in defeat. She turned to head back to sleep before he spoke up. “It’s alright kid, I shouldn’t’ve gotten pissed like that.”

That surprised her. It’s what she hoped for but not what she expected. “Now try to get some more sleep,” he said. “We’re leaving at dawn.”

She went back to sleep and luckily didn’t have any more bad dreams till morning.

____________________________

Bill’s town was fucking terrifying and thank god they were on their way out. They found the truck and were getting ready to go. The “Bloater” as Bill and Joel called it was definitely going to fuel her nightmares for the next month. She turned her head to see Joel returning from looting the rest of the house and watched him hand some note to Bill, who threw it away with anger. Probably from Frank. She thought.

Bill was a dick but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel for ‘em. Losing someone that close to you, he’s gotta feel like absolute shit.

Joel pulled her out of her thoughts when he came up to her window. “You sure you're okay with this?” he asked.

“Yeah, I got this,” in all honesty she wasn’t feeling confident about driving but fuck it nothing’s been easy so far and she’s managed pretty well.

“You’re doin’ a good job,” Joel spoke. “I figured you should know that.”

She didn’t tell him but that meant a lot coming from him. She was still a little bit ticked that he won’t trust her with a gun but at least he seemed to be trusting her a bit more. She was trusting him more too.

____________________________

For once she was actually having a good time. Joel didn’t exactly share her sense of humour but for some reason that just made it funnier. For once travelling with this mopey old dude was enjoyable, like a little road trip they used to call them back in his time. His taste in music was pretty shit though.

She should’ve known it wouldn’t last. Of course continuing forward into the city was a bad idea. Only took a few minutes before some assholes tried to ambush them. Luckily Joel saw it coming otherwise she could’ve been one of the bodies adorning the metal table inside the warehouse.

But one thing was grating on her mind and she figured she’d get it out of the way. “How’d you know?” she asked Joel. When he tells her he’s been on both sides she looks back towards the room filled with the artifacts of unlucky souls, then back to him. She couldn’t wrap her mind around what that implied. Joel wasn’t a good guy but surely he wouldn’t do something like that.

But she asks and all she gets is a hum in return which she knows means yes. She should be disgusted, she should think he’s a horrible person but for some reason that fact brings her comfort. Which is fucked up like there’s levels of fucked and that hits a few of em. But he wasn’t that person anymore, at least she thinks so. And his past only helps ensure her safety in the present.

____________________________

Those asshole hunters were everywhere. They couldn’t go anywhere without running into a group of them. There had been so many instances Ellie thought this was it but Joel was a ninja or something because he dealt with all them quietly and with ease. And if things got nasty it was nice that Joel was a crack shot as well. They were on their way out of a building, on an elevator Ellie didn’t trust in the slightest with the noises it made with them on it.

She made it across and let out a breath of relief, turning around only to hear the cables snap and see Joel’s panicked expression before plummeting down the abyss.

All feeling left her body as she went into complete panic mode.

“Joel!” she screamed into the elevator shaft, not caring if the hunters heard her.

She was about to break down when she heard thrashing below and a gasp for breath. “I’m alright!” Joel yelled back up. “Are you okay?”

“No!” she yelled back. She doesn’t think she’s ever been more scared in the past year. “You scared the shit out of me!”

“I’m… I’m gonna climb down there, okay?” she yelled down, placing her foot over the edge and searching for a hand hold.

“No!” he immediately yelled back.

What?

“Stay up there!” he told her. “I’ll make my way up to you!”

She heard him swimming away and yelled down one more time. “Don’t do anything stupid!” She couldn’t bear another loss.

Eventually the sounds of his swimming faded and she was left completely alone for the first time since she met Joel two weeks ago. Left alone with her own paranoid thoughts

What if he’s bitten? Don’t be stupid he knows what he’s doing!

What if the hunters find him? He hasn’t had a problem with them so far.

What if a part of the building collapses and he lands wrong? Shit shit I need to calm down.

More time passed and more thoughts ran through her head as she sat there a nervous wreck. Eventually she couldn’t handle it anymore and went looking for him, scared her thoughts might have validity.

She grabbed a brick and carried it around just in case but luckily didn’t come across any hunters.

She didn’t find anything for a bit which just made her panic even more but then she heard something, sounded like a struggle. She approached cautiously and saw one of the hunters straddling someone in a puddle, trying to drown them.

Then she saw that familiar green plaid, worker boots, and backpack and she saw red.

No! Not today motherfucker!

She was gonna go up behind him and stab him in the throat when she noticed Joel was reaching for something, a gun. Without thinking, she quickly grabbed it and shot the guy right between the eyes. It was like it wasn’t her who did it, she was on autopilot with one goal: save Joel.

Then she returned to her body and was faced with what she’d just done. She’d taken a life, someone used to inhabit that body and now she’d sent him off somewhere else. “Man I shot the hell out of that guy huh?” she said, more to herself than to him, confirming what she’s done.

“Yeah, you sure did,” Joel replies, stumbling to his feet still weary while she takes a seat and hunches over.

“I feel sick,” she said as she felt the throw up rising but tried forcing it back down.

“Why didn’t you just hang back like I told you to?” Joel said angrily as he ripped the gun still sitting in her hands.

“Well you're glad I didn’t, right?” she asked.

“I’m glad I didn’t get my head blown off by a goddamn kid.”

Then Ellie’s frustrations with this stubborn asshole came forward. I was worried sick and this is what I get from you? She thought. “You know what? No! How about ‘hey Ellie I know it wasn’t easy but it was either him or me. Thanks for saving my ass.’ You got anything like that for me Joel?”

For a split second he seemed like he considered it, was maybe even gonna apologize. Then as quickly as it was there it was gone, replaced with that hard scowl she’d come to know. She knew he was too stubborn to admit that she could actually be helpful if he just let her.

But no, he just brushed her off the same way he would a punch and he keeps on moving and all Ellie can do is follow along and wait for him to get her killed.

____________________________

They found more people, not more hunters but two brothers and one her age. It’s nice to talk to someone else for a change. She likes Sam, he’s nice. Last person she knew who was her age was Riley. God she misses her. Both of them are currently asleep while Joel stays awake to keep watch. She’s rarely seen the guy sleep and Ellie has no idea how he’s able to kill so many people running on the amount of sleep he gets.

She tries to get some rest, tosses and turns but she’s too anxious now that they’re this close to leaving. Since Joel’s awake she might as well talk to the old man. He was seated on a wooden chair by the window, pistol in hand. She grabbed one of the wobbly, old, wooden chairs nearby and set it up next to his.

“Hey,” she said, taking her seat.

“You should be sleepin’,” he responded.

“Can’t.”

He doesn’t bother responding to that, just lets her sit there comfortably, or as comfortable as she can be in her shitty chair. Ellie looks around to where he does, maybe trying to catch something he doesn’t or just following his movements like a monkey.

“How many bullets do you have?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“Uh,” she mumbled, pulling out her clip to check. “Eight I think.”

“Is the uh, safety on?” he asked, turning his eyes to look at her handling the pistol.

“Yes Joel,” she groaned. Now that she had a gun he was being a bit hand-holdy about it.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure,” she responded immediately.

“Alright I just wanna make sure,” there was another pause before he spoke again. “Hey I should’ve asked earlier but are you alright? With uh, what you had to do today?”

“I’m...” she didn’t really know how she felt. This was the first time she thought about it since that first kill. And she hates to admit that after that first kill, it just got easier after that. Just aim, pull the trigger, try to keep going. She looks up at Joel and sees guilt in his eyes and that’s when it clicks. Why he was so pissed at her when she saved him. 

He wasn’t pissed she didn’t listen to him or his pride wasn’t hurt because a little girl saved him. He was pissed at himself that she had to make that call because of him.

“I’m good,” she assures him, offering a small smile.

“Alright,” he nods and she yawns. “Sleepy yet?”

“Soon,” she mumbles, trying to stay awake a little longer but her body wins over her and she drifts off to sleep. But she’s not too asleep to not notice Joel picking her up and carrying her over to a nearby couch.

“Goodnight kid,” he whispers as his footsteps fade away back to the window.

Goodnight Joel.

____________________________

Those fucking scumbags, Ellie thought as she watched Henry and Sam run away. She could easily go with them, it was the smarter choice. But it wasn’t even an option to her. 

She didn’t have to think about it; she knew she was sticking with Joel. “We stick together,” she says before he can berate her for not going with them. He wouldn’t have had time anyways because the hunters are inches from breaking through those gates.

They run, Joel has to kill a couple more of those assholes before they finally reach the bridge they’d been trying to get to this whole time. Only to have that goddamn truck right on their asses and a gap too big to jump with one of Ellie’s worst enemies down below: water.

Joel wants to stay and fight and if it wasn’t a truck of death and hatred behind that semi she’d hesitantly take that choice. Unfortunately she’s not fortunate.

“What other choice do we have?” he asks.

“We jump!” she answers.

“No that’s too high a jump and you can’t swim.”

“You’ll keep me afloat.” I trust you. She wants to say. But he brushes her off and tells her to do something that will no doubt get both of them killed.

“No time to argue,” she says, whipping around and leaping into the strong current knowing Joel is right behind her.

She hits the water and flails her arms randomly doing whatever she can to stay afloat. Her head bobs in and out of the water, she turns and sees Joel close behind her. He catches up to her, enveloping her in his arms and they hit something and Joel’s grip around her loosens.

She’s in panic mode now, she doesn’t know how she’s gonna stay above the water and keep Joel alive. She just screams for help, for anybody to hear her.

“Hang on!” she hears before she finally submerges under the water.

Someone grabs her, their arm around her waist to pull her towards the shore and she can only pray they got Joel too.

She finally feels her feet dragging along ground in shallow water. “Are they okay?” someone asks. Wait a minute. She thinks. She recognizes that voice.

“I hope so,” the man carrying her says too. She knows that one too.

“Get the fuck off of me!” she yells, mustering what strength she could.

“Whoa, whoa hey easy,” Henry says, raising his hands to try and calm her down.

“Easy? Fuck you Henry! You left us to die!”

“Alright hey, Ellie, I’m sorry about that. But I had to,” he said motioning his hand over to Sam who stood there awkwardly and shamefully. “I coulda left you to die just now, but I didn’t.”

“You wouldn’t have needed to save us if you’d helped Joel up in the first place.”

“It all worked out,” he argued. “He woulda done the same thing.”

Ellie opens her mouth to argue then realizes she can’t because she doesn’t know what Joel would’ve done. But she hates to admit that Henry might be right.

“Hey we’ll figure out what’s next when he wakes up,” Henry offers and Ellie decides to take some time to herself to think.

____________________________

Joel takes it as good as she could hope which means he almost murders Henry. The four of them decide to stick together the rest of the way. She trusts they won’t backstab them but she doesn’t trust them to have their back, she thinks Joel shares the same thoughts.

Their journey isn’t easy. They find some sort of long abandoned community in the sewers where they switch partners for a little bit.

Despite her thoughts on Henry he has her back and saves her ass when a clicker’s about to tear out her throat. She returns the favor, wrapping her arm around a clicker’s neck and stabbing it in the throat three times.

“Shit,” he breathes, offering his hand to lift her up. “Good stuff.”

As she gets to her feet she sees a stalker trying to sneak up behind Henry unbeknownst to him. “Duck!” she yelled, whipping her pistol out and shooting it in the head.

“Damn,” he laughed. “Here I was thinking I’d be taking care of you.”

They reunite with Joel and Sam and make it out of the sewers and into a little town. They have some trouble with hunters and infected but make it to the brothers’ hideout in one piece.

Joel seems to finally be bonding with Henry so she goes to check in on Sam. When she sees him he seems to be in some sort of mood. He’s asking these dark questions about what she thinks happens after they die or get infected. Whether heaven is their final destination. She tells him she goes back and forth but she never had faith in god. If he was really up there he wouldn’t let all that’s happened to the world happen.

Morning comes and she goes to find Sam and realizes all too late what was wrong last night. Sam whips around, his eyes formerly so full of life now cold and angry. He charges her, tackling her to the ground. Gunshots ring out and one hits Sam. His new eyes become lifeless and he falls to the ground.

One final shot and both brothers are lifeless on the hardwood floor.

They bury them later that day.

Ellie thinks she has no tears left to cry while Joel seems completely stone faced, unreactive. Only a few seconds pass before Joel decides it’s time to go.

“What?” Ellie snapped. “That’s it? You’ve got nothing for them.”

“Ellie, we’ve gotta move.”

“No! You’re really so callous that you can’t even say goodbye?”

“Ellie,” he spoke softly, lowering himself and placing both hands on her shoulders. “We can’t let these kinds of things plague us. If we do, we’ll end up right there with them. Things like this happen all the time but we need to keep moving forward,” he lamented. “What did your comic say? Endure and survive. Think about it like that.”

She can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes that this isn’t the first time he’s been in a situation like this. “How is it that easy for you?” she asks.

“I didn’t say it was easy,” he sighed. “But it’s what we need to do.”

Distant moans and clicks interrupt their moment. “We need to move, c’mon,” Joel commanded, lifting her to her feet.

____________________________

She didn’t know when it started. Maybe it was driving to Pittsburgh, or when he fell down the elevator shaft. Maybe when he gave her the gun? She couldn’t place the exact moment it happened but somewhere along the line Joel became more than just some guy escorting her across the country.

She’d never known what it was like, having someone care for you like a parent would. She remembered the first time they were hiding from soldiers, back when Tess was still with them. The three of them, crouched behind cover and almost like it was instinct he shielded her with his body, placing his hand flat against the concrete they hid behind and his large form right beside her.

At first it was uncomfortable, but at some point it made her feel comfortable, made her feel safe. Marlene never felt like a parent. She looked after her when she was little, or littler. Kept her safe and fed but she felt more like a friend, not a parent. She’d stay up at night sometimes reading the note her mother left for her as tears leaked from her eyes and fell onto the page. She’d pray to something, a god that probably didn’t give a shit about her if he’d been willing to allow all this crap to happen to her that maybe her mom was out there somewhere and that she’d find her. As she’d grown older she’d realized that that wasn’t true.

Then Maria told her about Sarah, then Joel wanted to hand her over to Tommy and she just ran. She didn’t know where and she didn’t care; she just wanted to get far away from there. That was when she truly realized Joel was more than just some guy who was getting her to the Fireflies.

Tommy would probably be more caring and understanding and would probably make for better conversation. He would get them there faster and more efficiently. She’d be safer. But she wouldn’t feel safe, she’d be more scared than ever.

When Joel and her argued that’s when reality hit her. 

“You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.”

In that moment her heart broke into a million tiny little pieces. Because yeah, she wasn’t. His real daughter was dead. Maybe she just wanted to feel what she never got to experience. But she needed to wake up because whatever she felt for Joel he clearly didn’t and never felt for her.

The ride back to town was long and painful and was just drawing it out. Unraveling the loose string of what was left of her heart until there was nothing left. Joel and Tommy were talking about something in front of her but she couldn’t be bothered to listen. Then Joel turned to talk to her telling her to do something. Why the hell would I listen to you? Then the words finally register and she takes it a little wrong at first. What, you want me to walk back now? Yeah not one of her proudest moments.

But then she thinks about why he’d want her to give back her horse but hold onto his. Don’t get your hopes up Ellie. Then he keeps talking and there’s no doubt that at some point on the ride back he’d changed his mind, or maybe it was made up already and he just didn’t know it.

Then they ride off and she feels content in a way. They’d figured out something. She didn’t know what she was to him exactly and she didn’t really know what he was to her. She wasn’t his daughter and he wasn’t her dad. But they cared for each other and they were finishing this journey together. And maybe that’s enough.

____________________________

They arrive at the university at the end of fall and beginning of winter. Joel had found a jacket to keep himself warm as the temperature slowly drops day by day. As they enter the university they enter the final stop on their journey. Ellie’s happy and at the same time sad and worried.

“So after the Fireflies do what they need to do, what happens after that?” She asks.

“Hm,” Joel murmurs as he thinks about his answer. “Well, Tommy said there’s a place for me back in Jackson. After this is all done, what do you say we head back there? See if they got an empty house for us.”

She smiles, wide from ear to ear as she breathes a sigh of relief. The thought of her life after this long year is what will keep her going for the rest of this journey regardless of how long the Fireflies take.

____________________________

Oh no. Oh please god no. I’ve never asked for much from you please don’t do this to me!

She climbs down as fast as she can. As she goes down she thinks this is some sick nightmare. She’s gonna open her eyes and wake up any second and Joel will be right there next to her, perfectly fine. But that’s not the case, she turns around and it’s just as real as it was from up on the walkway.

Her biggest fear is coming to life right before her eyes. If she loses Joel she has nobody left, nothing left.

She lifts him up and off the bar and way too much blood leaks onto the floor. She can barely believe that he’s still conscious but if his eyes are still open then Ellie still has hope. She moves through the building, ensuring Joel is always one step behind her.

Her arms are shaking yet she manages to kill every person that comes her way. One gets her good with a led pipe but she riddles him with bullets to the stomach and he falls. She shrugs off the pain even though her head’s ringing.

“I swear to god, I get you out of this, you’re so singing for me,” she blurted. Just think about tomorrow, she told herself. Just think about tomorrow when he’ll be alive and everything will be fine.

They ride off and Joel falls off the horse unconscious. She shakes him, on the verge of tears. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do and all she thinks in the moment is to beg him. Please don’t leave me alone.

____________________________

She’d just finished stitching him up and Joel had way more scars than she thought. His chest was completely tattered along with his back. Each scar told a story. Some faded with time but there all the same. Each scar a crack in the walls he’d built around his heart. Cracks she could look through to uncover the Joel long forgotten with time. Now he had a new one. She’d forever be there, marked in permanence on his body. Another crack in the wall.

His oldest scars were white and faded and barely visible bullet wounds, grazing his shoulders and some clearly went right through. Maria told her the details of how Sarah died. She was there forever and always no matter how much Joel wanted to escape it.

Joel shivers and she tries tucking him in tighter as if that will have any effect.

____________________________

Joel’s not getting any better and without antibiotics Ellie knows it’s not too long before he’s gone. One particularly cold night, when she can’t get to sleep she finds herself remembering times before now with Joel. Times from their journey and she ends up going back to their first day on the road.

His words from that day echo in her mind.

Never take on something you can’t handle.

She looks at Joel’s shivering body. She looked up the stairs that led to the house, to the garage where Callus was probably sleeping right now. It was probably the smart choice to leave, hell Joel would probably tell her to do so were he conscious.

We stick together.

It’s not an option. She’s gonna be there till the end whether that's tomorrow or ten years from now. She’ll find a way to keep him afloat.

____________________________

She comes to and sees David bleeding next to her. She’d stabbed him however many times and she couldn’t figure out how the fucker was still moving.

Move. Fucking move!

Ellie rolls over, looking for something. Her switchblade is missing, she rolls looking for a bottle or something she could finish him off with.

She finally spots his machete hidden underneath a booth. She musters up all the strength she has and crawls over, slowly while David stumbles to his feet behind her.

She feels a hard kick to her stomach.

“Y’know it’s okay to give up,” he says in that slimy voice of his. “Ain’t no shame in it.”

Fuck off.

She keeps crawling as if he’s not towering over her. Another kick and she can’t go any further.

David pins her down with his knee, telling her to beg but she knows that won’t get anywhere with him. If she goes down, the least she can do is try to make sure he doesn’t get to enjoy it.

He turns her over and starts choking the life out of her as she desperately reaches for the machete. Then she feels the heavy handle graze her fingertips and she pulls it into her hand, chopping his forearm then pinning him down, chopping him even after he’s stopped breathing and his noises of pain come to a halt.

Chop me up into tiny pieces huh? Well fuck you fuck you fuck you! Nobody’s gonna recognize your fucking mangled face now! She thinks as she keeps bringing the blade down, tears threatening to invade her eyes.

“Ellie!” Someone yells from behind her but she barely registers it. Everything sounds like she’s underwater. They grab her around the waist and pull her off him.

“No! Don’t fucking touch me!” she yells, just wanting to continue her cutting, wanting to erase every piece of that monster from this world.

She tries to get back to him not bothering with whoever’s stopping her but they grab hold of her face and she stops when she sees theirs.

Y-You’re awake.

All the pain and fear she’d felt this winter comes crashing down and she falls apart in Joel’s arms while he tries to hold her together.

“He tried to-” she starts barely able to get the words out, scared to tell anyone or herself what almost happened.

“Oh baby girl…” Joel soothed. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

It’s not okay, he knew that and she knew that.

He pulled away, holding her face in his hands again. “I will never let that happen to you again.”

“We need to move, do you think you can walk?” he asked softly.

She just nodded and let Joel lead her away while her legs moved of their own volition as if on autopilot.

____________________________

Just relax Ellie. This won’t hurt a bit. 

Ellie.

Ellie!

Ellie!

She woke with a start, sitting upright and gasping for air, eyes staring right into Joel concerned ones.

“You started screamin’ kiddo,” he spoke softly.

“Shit,” she said, wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Sorry.”

“You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry for,” Joel consoled.

Ellie sniffled, bringing her knees up to her chest. “Tell me about your time.”

He fell onto the couch she was originally sleeping on. “What do you wanna know about tonight?”

“I don’t know,” she mumbled. “Think of something.”

“Uh, well let’s see,” Joel said, scrunching his face in thought. “You know anything about fishing?”

“Yeah, went over it a little in Boston. You stand in the water with a spear and-”

“No, not that kind of fishing. I never really enjoyed that. Not relaxing.”

“Is fishing supposed to be relaxing?” Ellie questioned.

“Yeah, well it should be,” Joel sighed. “Me and Tommy would rent a boat and take it to the middle of a lake. What you do is put a worm on a hook, attach that hook to a line, then send that line out and wait for the fish to come to you.”

“That's it?”

“That’s the simplified version.”

“You ever take Sarah?” Ellie asked

“Eh, a few times. She said it was ‘rage inducing,’” he laughed, making Ellie chuckle a bit too. “But I still remember how much her face lit up when she reeled in a fish.”

“You think I’d enjoy fishing?”

“We can give it a shot if Tommy has the equipment for it,” Joel said. “After we get back from Salt Lake we’ll have tons of time to do whatever the hell you want.”

Fishing. Another thing she could try looking forward to and think about before bed.

____________________________

They were finally there. A hop, skip, and a jump away from the Fireflies. The moment she’d been waiting for since the beginning of this journey and she felt… empty?

She felt like she was still on autopilot for the past few weeks.

Joel had finally opened up with her and seemed genuinely happy to be around her. For the first months of their journey she’d been the talkative one while he just gave her quick one word answers. Now they’d completely switched roles.

“Yeah, once we’re done with this whole thing, I’m gonna teach you how to play guitar. Yeah, I reckon you’d really like that.”

She doesn’t respond until he tries getting her attention again and she feels bad. Her mind is just too clouded with all that’s happened to her to get excited about the prospect of Joel teaching her guitar and maybe even singing for her. And he’s right she would really like that, she’d love it. But every waking moment all she can think about is the previous season and all that came with it.

____________________________

No. Fucking. Way.

She drops the ladder down instead of placing it because she’s gotta see this. She runs while imploring Joel to hurry up behind her. She almost catches up but only sees it for a split second before it turns the corner. Finally her chasing pays off and she comes across a goddamn fucking giraffe right there. Joel finally catches up, slowly approaching it and petting it as she mirrors his actions.

It’s soft and smooth and warm and for the first time in months she breaks into a genuine smile. The beautiful animal doesn’t stay forever and when it leaves Ellie runs after it, Joel close behind.

When they reach the roof they see an entire herd of them. In a place that probably used to be sprawling with human life, not as much greenery as there is now, the giraffes locked away in zoos. Imprisoned. Then human’s moved out of the way and nature took back what was theirs. They were free.

Winter was there, it would always be there in the back of her head. He would always be there. But that didn’t mean it had to plague her life, control her. Just like the giraffes. People move out of the way, she takes back what’s hers.

Autopilot disengage.

____________________________

Joel suggests going back to Tommy’s and forgetting everything. Live a normal life, well normalish. A part of her wants to, the other part knows they can’t. Not yet. There’s no quitting now when the end is literally in sight. She’s seeing this to the end no matter what the Fireflies need to do.

They’re in some tunnels after dealing with a shit ton of infected and way more bloaters than is even fair. When she sees more water it occurs to her that there’s another thing Joel could teach her which is swimming. She tells him this. Thinks to herself that maybe he could teach her after fishing one day. She enjoys the prospect of learning how to swim until Joel’s stuck in a bus about to drown.

She doesn’t need to swallow her fear, she just jumps because she can’t afford to take anymore time than she needs to. The bus is unbalanced, hitting rocks as the raging waters rough it around, moving it back and forth but she’s able to still keep her balance until the bus completely flips. She falls in the water and gasps out of surprise, her lungs filling with water and it doesn’t take long for her to lose consciousness. That’s the last thing she remembered.

____________________________

When she comes to she’s in something, it’s moving. She rubs her eye as her vision appears blurry but when it all clears she’s in a car, Joel in the driver seat, and she’s wearing some weird polkadot gown.

“What the hell am I wearing?” she asks.

“Just take it easy… drugs are still wearing off.”

I was drugged? “What happened?”

He took a second and she wished she could see his face in this moment.

“We found the Fireflies,” he sighed. “Turns out there’s a whole lot more like you Ellie.”

What? Ellie thinks. No that’s not possible. Marlene told me I was special, a bunch of immune don’t just show up out of the blue.

“Ain’t done a damn bit of good neither,” he continued.

“They’ve actually st-” he stopped, like he was hesitant to spit out his next words. “They’ve stopped looking for a cure.”

But then why am I dressed in a gown? Why was I drugged? None of this makes any sense. Marlene wouldn’t ever stop looking for a cure she’d keep fighting till her dying breath. None of this makes sense unless it’s-

Bullshit.

She turns in her seat, unable to listen to anymore lies. She doesn’t know what happened or why Joel would lie. None of this makes any sense. This journey couldn’t have been for nothing. Everything they did and nothing good came out of it.

____________________________

She looks at her bite while the cars stopped. They’d finally arrived at Jackson. This was the part of the journey she’d looked forward to most. Living the rest of her life as normal as she can. In a nice little house with Joel. But the end feels tainted, incomplete. She feels they skipped over a huge part of this journey and now she feels unfulfilled. Like she shouldn’t be here. If she can’t live out her purpose then she shouldn’t even be alive. Why does she deserve the privilege of being able to live with the virus inside her while so many others have died.

Then there’s Joel. It’s been bugging her the entire drive. Wondering why he lied to her. Were the Fireflies not what she thought? Did they try to do something wrong? Or did Joel do something wrong? Would she think less of him if she knew the truth.

Before they head down the hill she lays it all out for him. Tells him what she’s thinking about now. How Riley, Tess, Sam, and so many others turned except for her.

He lays it out for her. At least a little bit.

“I struggled for a long time with survivin’. And you-” he stopped, feeling his watch as he had since that first day it was just the two of them. “You keep finding something to fight for.”

Normally that would make her feel warm inside, knowing she’s his reason to keep fighting now. But now all it does is make her more suspicious. How far would Joel go to protect her.

“Swear to me,” she interrupts him. “Swear to me that everything you said about the Fireflies is true.”

There you go Joel. This is your chance please tell me the truth, don’t just feed me more-

“I swear.”

Bullshit.

She feels they’ve taken a big step back. They trusted each other completely and now he can’t trust her with the truth and she can’t trust him to tell it.

And yet she takes it. Because no matter the truth she can’t bear losing someone she loves again. She doesn’t like it but she takes what he’s feeding her because after all she’s lost she’s not strong enough to throw away the only thing she has left.

“Okay.”

____________________________

It had been a few weeks since they settled in Jackson. Tommy had welcomed them back with open arms and given them a nice little house to make theirs. Ellie had to admit it was pretty nice that she had a bed and blanket every night. She’d decorated her room with what she found, like random posters that held no meaning to her. That “dumb teen movie” Dawn of the Wolf was there. Must’ve been a pretty big deal in Joel’s time. Other than that there’s nothing noteworthy about her room. It’s simplistic with her bed and nightstand, a lamp, and desk where she’s currently sitting and writing in her journal.

She’s sitting there, her headphones listening to the music in her newly repaired walkman which is why she doesn’t hear Joel when he knocks at the door.

“Ellie,” he calls out to no response as Ellie continues writing away.

“Ellie?” he tries again to no response once again.

Relenting he decides to enter the room and sees her writing at her desk. She doesn’t notice him approaching so she’s startled when she feels him tap her shoulder.

“Jesus,” Ellie jumps, pulling her headphones off.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Joel states.

Ellie had been avoiding him a little bit since they’d arrived which was difficult since they lived in the same house. Now she felt backed into a corner.

“It’s okay,” she says, waving him off and standing up, leaning against her desk.

There’s a pause, neither of them saying anything. There was tension in the air more on Ellie’s side after the blatant lies to her face. “What’s up?” she asks, tired of the silence.

“We haven’t talked for a little while and I wanted to check in on you,” he says. “Some kids found a couple water guns. They’re playin’ with em outside right now. I was hoping to see you out there.”

“I’m more needed repairing the outer wall with Maria,” she states. “I don’t have time for that.”

Joel slowly sat down onto the corner of her bed and she mirrored his actions, sitting on her chair. “You know everybody’s been real impressed with you. But it’s okay to take a break once in a while.”

Ellie diverts her gaze. He’s right, she knows but she has to work all day. If she can’t give the world what it desperately needs the least she can do is give people her time to keep them safe.

Joel seems to realize he’s not getting anywhere with her because he changes the subject. “Tommy made me part of the militia group. Things have calmed down out there somewhat,” he says. “Not as many bandits and a decline in the amount of infected. Tommy paired me up with someone, her name’s Esther. I think he wants to see us hitched. She’s got a great sense of humour, Ellie. I think you’d like her. Why just the other day she told me one of them jokes you like. Now how’d it go.”

Joel started mumbling to himself trying to remember the joke. “It’s late, I gotta get going with the additional repairs needed for the outer wall.”

Joel’s shoulders fall as he flinches slightly, almost like he was being stabbed. She gets up to move past him but he quickly gets in her way. “I got something I wanna show you, I’ll just take a minute. One minute.”

He leaves the room in a slight hurry. Ellie could just leave now but figures she has time and can wait to see what it is he’s got.

He returns quickly with a guitar in his hand. “What’s that supposed to be?” she asked sarcastically.

“Well I dun hear that sum people call this a gee-tar,” Joel joked, really exaggerating his texan accent. Ellie quietly chuckles but hides it quickly.

No laughing when you’re mad at him. Ellie thought.

“I know that,” she says. “What’s it for?”

Joel takes his original place on the corner of the bed. “I’ve been working on a song for some time,” Joel says. “I actually started working on it… well that’s not important.”

Ellie can read between the lines. He’d originally been writing it for Sarah and she was touched he was gonna share that with her. But then she realized something.

Wait! Am I gonna hear Joel sing? 

Ellie brings one of her legs up to her chest, getting comfortable as Joel starts playing the first few chords and when he starts singing Ellie can’t believe he never became a singer like he wanted. She doesn’t care if she wasn’t alive at the time to see what other singers had that he didn’t he totally could’ve made it. But it’s the words he sings that capture her attention.

If I ever were to lose you

I’d surely lose myself

Everything I have found here

I’ve not found by myself

Try and sometimes you’ll succeed

To make this man of me

All my stolen missing parts

I’ve no need for anymore

I believe

And I believe ‘cause I can see

Our future days, days of you and me

The final chord sounds and Ellie can’t stop the tears that fall from her eyes that she tries wipe away on her knee. “That was beautiful Joel,” she sniffled quietly.

She could feel the tension in the air dissipate, replaced with their genuine fatherly-daughterly love.

Joel cracks a slight smile as he hands the guitar over to her.

“Wait, I can’t play Joel,” she stutters.

“I know,” Joel reassures. “But I promised you that I’d teach you how to play. Take it, it’s yours.”

She was surprised he remembered, and touched that he did. “You did.” She takes the guitar, feels the weight of it. She was used to objects this big being heavy and used to beat someone’s skull in. But it was light and fit comfortably in her hands.

“Well, it’s getting late and we both need our rest,” Joel says, excusing himself as he heads for the door.

“Hey wait,” Ellie calls after him right before he leaves her room. “What was the joke you heard the other day?”

He turns around, a soft smile on his face as he finally remembers the joke Esther told him.

“What’s the hardest part about eating clocks?” he asks.

She shakes her head already knowing this is gonna be bad. “I give up.”

“It’s time consuming.”

It was stupid but she couldn’t help but laugh. It wasn’t like it was any better than the ones in her joke book. “That’s pretty bad.”

“Yeah it’s one of the worst I’ve heard,” he agreed. “Well goodnight, Ellie.”

Joel leaves the room, closing the door behind him and Ellie’s left alone with her new guitar in her lap.

She plucks a single note and lets it play, its sound filling the room. She looked forward to learning.

____________________________