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Pepper inhaled slowly, willing herself to calm down. Tony would be coming into her office at any minute, mostly healed after the events of Siberia, physically if not emotionally. She knew there wasn’t really a reason to be nervous, she had visited him almost everyday in the hospital and later when he was home, to make sure he was taking care of himself. But it had been two weeks since the last time and she was surprised by the butterflies filling her stomach.
Whenever she visited, they hadn’t talked about their relationship much. That hadn’t been the point, considering everything going on. They had agreed to take a break, figure things out, and instead had tried, with varying levels of success to talk about the video he’d seen, of his parents. When that became too difficult, they spoke about Rhodey and his rapid recovery, and finally when that too struck a nerve, well they talked about nothing.
Not nothing. Not exactly. Tony spoke of inventions, Pepper spoke of the company, Tony spoke of the stupidity of politicians, Pepper spoke of the stupidity of certain CEOs. Tony spoke of his mother, Pepper listened, Pepper spoke about how afraid she was when she heard of Siberia, Tony listened.
It had been nice. Finding even ground on something like friendship. They had always been employee or employer and later, when Pepper took over the company they’d been in a relationship. They had been close, they had loved each other but it had been missing something and she was pretty sure, in those few weeks of recovery, they had found it.
The problem was she had seen the way Tony looked at her after he woke up in the hospital, as they sat together on the Tower’s balcony, as they said goodbye at the end of the night. Pepper could practically sense the words hanging on the tip of his tongue because they were on hers too, every fucking day.
Which was why she knew exactly what he was coming here for today.
As if the thought had summoned him, Tony walked right into her office, a soft, eager smile on his face. Pepper couldn’t help but return it despite everything and the fear creeping up her spine as he sat in a chair across from her.
“Hi,” Tony offered.
“Hi.”
He was dressed comfortably, simply. Maroon dress pants and his simple leather jacket thrown over a plain black shirt. She loved him like that, somewhere between homey and professional, a fact he knew very well. The feeling twisting her gut intensified.
“Tony…”
He threw up a hand, eyes serious, smile turning a little bitter, “let me talk? Please? Just let me say my piece and then you can respond however you want okay?”
It was surprisingly easy to nod and lean back a bit in her chair, eyes on the man who she loved so damn much, the one that made her heart ache because they just never seemed to have the timing right and despite herself, Pepper hoped he had something to offer that might change things, might change her answer when this whole thing was over.
Swallowing thickly, Tony took a heavy breath. His eyes latched onto hers, filled with all the passion and intensity usually reserved for his inventions, “I know we agreed to take a break, I know that since then a lot of shit has come up that neither of us were expecting. I guess the first thing I want to say, is thank you for being there, through all of it, despite everything.”
Pepper’s eyes stung, “Always Tony. No matter what’s going on between us, I promised you.”
Tony’s hand came up to rest on the edge of her desk and her own tingled with the urge to reach for him, but she didn’t, “I get why we broke things off. I am sorry I put you in that position to begin with…I want you to know that I don’t blame you for needing space after…everything.”
Pepper winced, the memory of his nightmares and his suit leaning over her threateningly, the fights and shouting and the way she had to watch Tony fall apart before her eyes, helpless. Biting her lip was the only way to hold her tongue, so she did.
Tony smiled knowingly, “But I love you and I want you back. You know that, I know you do, you’re almost as smart as me.” He winked playfully and Pepper offered a weak smile. “So, I wanted to show you this.”
Reaching inside his jacket, Tony pulled out a piece of paper and pushed it over to her. Pepper stared down at it, one hand pulling it closer and reading the contents with a relieved little sigh. It didn’t make everything better, not really, not yet, but she still found herself wanting to cry because it was all she ever wanted for him.
The papers detailed the various programs he had been participating in for the past two weeks. His therapy sessions and one specifically for soldiers suffering from PTSD. She noted that it was recommended by Rhodey and another…which he hadn’t attended any of yet but was clearly considering…Alcoholic’s Anonymous, or a version of it anyway.
“I’m trying to get better Pep. I’m just sorry it took me so long to listen. You were just trying to help, and I didn’t listen to you. I wasn’t ready…and I shouldn’t have expected you to stand there while I ignored it and your concerns.”
Pepper left the paper on her desk, withdrew her hands and hid them in her lap, afraid of Tony seeing the way they shook. This might be the second most difficult thing she had to do, since walking away from Tony the first time, since forcing herself to realize that he wasn’t getting help and didn’t want hers, no matter how hard she tried.
Meeting his earnest brown eyes, taking in the way he leaned over the desk as though desperate to reach her, she tried to keep the tears at bay, “Tony, I love you. I’m happy for you. I just…I need to know you aren’t doing this for me. I need you to be doing this for yourself.”
His jaw clenched before relaxing as he nodded, “I know. I’m signed up for these sessions right until the end of this year, I’m going whether or not this changes things for us. I want to…well that might be a stretch, but I need to. I just…want you to trust me to mean it when I say it. That’s all I’m asking for.”
Staring at the man she loved, Pepper felt something inside her shift. The fear was always going to be there, at the back of her mind, paranoid and terrified that one day she’d wake up, kiss him goodbye and never see him again. That was her own struggle, something she had been working hard on since they separated. Now, here he was, after everything in Siberia, a decidedly changed man…trying so god damn hard.
That had been what the accords were about. About him wanting to make the right decision, to help others heal from the chaos that had become the world they lived in. Now he was sitting here in front of her and not even asking her for everything back, just her trust.
Reaching across her desk and snagging Tony’s hand she found herself nodding, smiling at the way his eyes lit up and dreaming once more, of a future where her and Tony could finally have their happily ever after.
It wouldn’t be easy. There would be more therapy, for both of them, as a couple. PTSD relapses to be sure. But it would be worth it, because now they were on the same page, wanted the same things and if Tony could be brave enough for this…well she damn well could be too.