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I should be used to it, I really should. It’s not like I don’t get called a ‘screw up’ all the time. At least it wasn’t Colt this time. It’s not like it really matters what Colt says, he’s not family. It’s not like mom or Ian would call me a screw up, even if they think it they would never say it. They wouldn’t right?
It’s not like it bothers me when everyone says it, it doesn’t. It really doesn’t. I just say ‘I’m not a screw up.’ Plain and simple, no need for excuses or explanations. Just stay confident and no one can see through it.
No one ever sees through, no one hears anything but me going on about history, no one sees past my figurines and my protests.
But that’s the point, no ones supposed to see through. If everyone knew my thoughts then I really would be the screw up, wouldn’t I?
I am a screw up.
Looking around my room, my figurines littering the floor, history books covering every surface, this is not what a normal elf’s room looks like.
If I am a screw up, which of course I am I could never not be , then does that not mean everyone’s better without me? Without me causing legal trouble for mom or wasting Colts time or embarrassing Ian.
No matter what, all I do is embarrass and bother Ian. I’m not oblivious, I see him push me away and insist I don’t need to pick him up or drive him places. I know he doesn’t want me around…
I guess I just thought it would be nice to stay for a gap here, to have more time with him before I left. I was wrong. I’m only ever wrong.
Once I’m gone, they’ll be better off. Even if Mom is exaggerating when she jokes about this being the ‘longest gap year ever’ that does not mean she’s wrong. At the very least, Colt will be openly happy when I’m out of here.
But I just can not leave, at least not yet. Even if Ian does not see or care how much I love him, how much I care and need to protect him, that doesn’t mean I can just leave him unprotected.
Vaguely I could hear mom call my name, “Barley, dinner is ready.” Though I tried to stand up, I just couldn't, chest as tight as a coil. I put a hand on my chest, trying to force my breaths in and out, it’ll pass soon. It always does.
I could never leave Ian I projected. I need to be here for him, whether he cares or not. I can not just stand idly by as someone I love fades away and do nothing to try to stop it, try to make it better. Just because I couldn’t help Dad, doesn’t mean I can just not be here for Ian.
Though I know I heard Mom call me for dinner again, it did not register in my head I guess.
It’s my job to protect him, he’s my baby brother after all, if anything happens to him then isn’t that my fault? Isn’t it my fault for not doing enough? For not doing my job well enough to keep him safe?
If I left Ian, and something happened to him, that would make me the biggest screw up in the world. And nothing can make that better. I can’t be that selfish.
A knocking sounded at the door, Ian’s head popped in, “Barley, it’s dinner time. Didn’t you hear mom?”
I put on a big smile, in my booming voice I answered, “my apologies good sir, I was reading of a quest I had never heard about before.”
He shifted, clearly uncomfortable, “yeah, okay. Just come down for dinner, mom is waiting.” He really could not care less what I have to say, could he?
He turned to leave, and I slumped over, once again trying to force my breath in and out in and out , but then his voice sounded again, “you okay?” His head was once again in the doorway, but he still stayed in the hall.
I kept up my classic smile, “but of course, good sir. I am perfectly well.” Everyone believes a smile, they always do.
He nodded, “okay.” And with that he was gone. That’s what I wanted, right? So why is my chest tighter? He’s gone, he does not have any idea of my stupid thoughts. He’d be relieved to not have to deal with me messing everything up if he had any idea.
It’s not like anyone has any idea, it’s not like anyone sees. It’s how it’s meant to be. Smiles and confident voices and never crying, it’s perfect. I vowed to never be scared again, if no one knows how terrified I am all the time then am I really scared? If no one knows is it even real, even valid?
What’s it matter, no one knows and ever will know.
I need to be strong, and I need to be a good role model. How can I keep Ian safe if I am just crippled by fear?
Choking down any negative emotion threatening to bubble over, I ignored the only increasing tightness in my chest and exited my room. With each step I forced my breaths to be deeper and deeper. Hide any evidence that I’m not okay. They don’t need me to ruin anything more.
“Barley,” Mom scolded and I could not hide my wince in time, “I called you, why didn’t you come?”
I sat down at the table, recently cleared of my ‘toys’, “sorry mom, I was reading about this epic quest and I got carried away because-” but she cut off my epic lie.
She raised her hand, “okay, okay I understand. Now let’s just start eating before the food gets even more cold.”
How do I always ruin everything? I really am just a screwup…