Chapter Text
Yoon Jeonghan was fucked up.
At least that was what he had been told numerous times by numerous people. People that barely knew him, people who had known him since birth, people who had only heard about him. They all thought the same and if he was being honest Jeonghan felt nothing from their words. He couldn’t care less what others thought of them at this point.
He was free to live as he wanted. Free to make decisions he could regret later. Free to make all the mistakes he had been scared to make before, mistakes he wasn’t allowed to make.
It was as if he was reborn the day he had turned eighteen and he would be a fool to waste this new chance at life.
He had power over his own life now and it was this power that drove him to the edge sometimes. Not knowing what to do with it had led him onto dangerous paths but he failed to notice it. All he could he feel was the fresh air and the power coursing through his veins.
Jeonghan was the only child of the Yoon family. A miracle baby they had called him, born ten years after his parents' marriage.
What most people didn’t know was that jeonghan was not the first child. He had an older brother. A brother that was taken away from his parents just a few months after birth.
Being from a powerful influential family meant that they had enemies. Enemies that were beyond dangerous. Not taking their threats seriously had led to the death of their innocent first born. That was why the paranoia sat in.
They had given up hope for a child by then, locked away all the clothes and toys they had prepared along with their dreams of parenthood. They had sworn to never try again, to never put themselves in that situation again. They had been pitied. To have everything they could ever want, riches beyond belief but the one dream they had would always have would never be
But then Jeonghan was born and the happiness slowly returned.
He was prized and cherished from the moment he was born. They had been expecting a daughter and so Jeonghan was raised like both a son and a daughter and no one ever had a problem with it. He was kept under the constant care of his mother. She never let him out of his sight and as a child Jeonghan had loved that. Loved the affection and he loved the attention.
But that started to change as he grew up. His parents' constant involvement got annoying fast. The homeschooling was too much and the restrictions on friendship and any outside activity started to drive him insane.
He longed to play in the park, to enjoy school with the other kids, to have someone his age to play with. However none of what he said had mattered. All his oppositions were ignored and he was told that he was far too special for the others in this world.
He supposed that’s where his superiority complex developed. It wasn’t really a problem but he did consider himself at a higher rank than others. He didn’t see the big deal behind it. He was special and it was okay to think that so why did the others frown on it so much.
He was beautiful and he had possession of whatever he wanted. Surely there wasn’t anyone else like him. He had everything anyone ever wanted so how wasn’t he better than the rest.
It was for this reason alone that his parents agreed to send him to a public high school after the insistence of his aunt.
Jeonghan had hated the thought of that at first, hated having to associate with other people but he began to see the silver lining.
This way he could leave the house and do what he wanted at least at this new school. It was an exciting thought and he could kiss his aunt for convincing his parents of this.
High school was where he met Seungcheol for the first time. The star quarterback and beloved student. He was the perfect boy and Jeonghan had to admit that he was the only one in the entire school who had caught his attention.
The others there were all desperate teenagers, wanting to get closer to him because of his wealth, he could see right through them and he wanted nothing to do with them. Their compliments meant nothing and their stares made him beyond uncomfortable.
Jeonghan wanted Seungcheol only .
And as he navigated his way through high school, He made it his mission to take Seungcheol for himself.
Prom was important to seventeen year olds. It was what Jeonghan had noticed in the past month. He was shocked by the waves of excitement coursing through the high school campus. The chattering kids and the overexcited staff got on his nerves if he was being honest. Most things that didn’t concern him were annoying to him.
This was no exemption.
What was the point of even faking interest in something he would never be allowed to attend. Why should he make idle conversation about something he would never get to experience. It was like setting himself up for disappointment which is why he never engaged.knew better than to let his hopes up only to be pushed to the ground later.
It didn’t stop him from staring bitterly at the planning committee and their preppyness. It didn’t stop the bile from rising up his throat every time he saw or heard someone talk about their plans. And it most definitely did not stop the annoyance from clawing at him each time someone questioned him about the event.
Nosiness and fake interest is what peeved him the most but of course he could never let it show. There was no way he could ruin his image by screaming out how he really felt about this stupid school and their stupid dance.
And it was with the same bitterness and hatred that he had sat out on his balcony on the day of the dance. Cursing everyone responsible for his loneliness. Finally ready to admit that he was in fact, alone.
In the silence he wondered what he would have done had he been given permission to go.
Would he enjoy himself?
He supposed he could have. He could have danced, could have let the boys touch him in ways that would freak his mother out of her skin. He could have been prom king, or queen if he wanted, he was beautiful enough for it. He was adored by his classmates, adored by his seniors, by the teachers. They would do anything for him, it was part of his charm. Jeonghan could have it all if he wanted.
He could have had a decent time. Jeonghan knew how to have fun, he had plans and ideas to entertain himself but what he lacked was courage to go through with them. It held him back. Being too careful.
“Hey, stranger!” A deep voice, distant but clear brought him out of his daze. It startled him a little but looking down brought a smile to his face. “Care to share your woes?”
Choi Seungcheol. As dramatic as ever but exceptionally handsome in his tuxedo. Jeonghan wondered what he was doing here but realised soon enough that he didn’t care because Seungcheol being here made him that less lonely.
“Come on up, the door is open. Like always.” Jeonghan shouted out to him, pulling his sweater closer to himself. The wind was chilly, it made shivers run through him but he supposed those were from excitement. A laugh escaped him when he saw Seungcheol eagerly abandon his bicycle on the ground to run into the house.
He was excited. To see Seugcheol? To have company? Or was he glad that he wasn’t the only one missing out? It was rude but something
Ike that couldn’t be put past him.
“It’s so cold out!” Seungcheol was next to him in the next moment, panting and slightly out of breath. His hair was tousled but it only added to his charm. For a moment jeonghan was awestruck.
“You’re not wearing enough clothes either! Are you trying to freeze to death?” Seungcheol wasted no time in removing his jacket, placing it on Jeonghan’s shoulders. It sat heavy on his body but it was warm and smelt of Seungcheol so he pulled it closer. It was a cliche move but Jeonghan knew Seungcheol better than that. Seungcheol was no modern age romeo. Seungcheol did things for him because he cared genuinely, not because he had some other motive. Seungcheol was the polar opposite of him and most things Jeonghan thought idealistically, didn’t apply to Choi Seungcheol.
He was a puzzle that Jeonghan had yet to figure out. He was complex, unlike the other boys their age who Jeonghan could read by the look on their faces. They ran on testosterone boosts and perpetual horniness. It was disgusting and perhaps the only thing he agreed with his mother on. Teenage boys were pigs. Not worth his time at all but Seungcheol could be an exception.
Couldn’t he?
“And what if I am?”
“Then I won’t let you. I skipped prom for you.” Seungcheol replied as seriously as ever, reminding Jeonghan once again that he cared. More than he needed to.
“Hm, I suppose that’s fair.” Jeonghan reached out to pat him on the cheek, liking the way his smooth skin felt under the palm of his hands. Seungcheol was too soft.
Seungcheol leaned into the touch, eyes bright and fond. It was too much. Jeonghan had to pull away.
“Are you not going to ask me why?” Seungcheol circled his arms around his waist, looking out over the balcony with jeonghan. It was behaviour that was normal for him but even now jeonghan couldn’t stop the goosebumps from erupting on his skin at the slightest touch.
“No, it was your choice to miss. I don’t really care.” A deep breath. Seungcheol was too close and Jeonghan felt his gasp more than he heard it.
“You’re always so mean to me! Be grateful you brat!” Seungcheol pinched his waist and jeonghan elbowed him as hard as he could.
“It’s the truth, learn to face it. It was your decision after all. I never asked to come.” Direct and unapologetic. That was Jeonghan. He couldn’t change that, not even for the boy whose feelings mattered more than his own.
“Well then, I guess I’ll just leave then. Since my company clearly doesn’t matter to you.” Seungcheol pulled away and Jeonghan never turned back to look at his expression. Instead he grabbed his wrist without ever looking back. Surely Seungcheol knew him well enough to understand his bluntness.
“You won’t. Admit it Choi Seungcheol, you like me better than anyone else in that hellhole.” The smile spreading on his face was unhideable. The satisfaction he felt knowing this little fact was unbelievable. He felt it in his bones, it made him come alive.
“That’s true.” Seungcheol returned to his position, this time nuzzling into Jeonghan's neck.
Too close.
Too good.
“I just didn’t want you to miss out on your first dance.” It was whispered but jeonghan heard him the quiet with the way they were pressed together.
“I hate to break it to you but you being here doesn’t really change that fact.” Jeonghan scoffed aloud, pulling at one of Seungcheol’s fingers.
“Yeah, you still miss out on the event but not a dance.” Seungcheol sounded so damn proud of himself that jeonghan had to look back at him. His hands were in the pocket of the coat he had wrapped around Jeonghan and he pulled out a cassette player from one. Displaying it with a proud smile on his face as jeonghan wondered how he had failed to notice it before.
“You couldn’t go so I brought the dance to you.”
It was another one of the moments that made jeonghan wonder how Seungcheol had been blessed with such a pure heart and such a child-like innocence. It was endearing to say the least and jeonghan had fought hard to keep the smile off of his face.
But he already knew it was a losing battle.
“May I have this dance?” Seungcheol bowed exaggeratedly, extending his hand out to Jeonghan. The theatrics continued but Jeonghan was thoroughly amused.
“God, the drama continues.” He tried to remain as indifferent as he could even as he put his hand in Seungcheol’s and allowed himself to be pulled closer.
The moon was bright in the sky and the soft melody playing was enough to set the atmosphere and soon Jeonghan slowly felt himself falling into Seungcheol. Close together like this under the pale moonlight.
“Are you sure you want to be here?” Jeonghan didn’t really want to know the answer, he wanted to stay like this. Wanted to keep holding Seungcheol close like this as they swayed in the darkness to the song playing on Seungcheol’s cassette player.
“I heard you were going to be prom king this year. That’s a big deal.” He tightened his hold on Seungcheol’s shoulders then, pulling him impossibly closer. Their hips were pressed together like this and Jeonghan let Seungcheol take the lead. Just like he usually would.
“I’d rather be a nobody here with you.” They were words laden with meaning. They fell from Seungcheol’s lips and so they mattered. Jeonghan was scared to face him but he could already feel his body coming alive as Seungcheol’s hands travelled down his backside. He felt his touch like electricity, lighting up every nerve and it was this intensity that scared him.
The same intensity he would find in Seungcheol’s gaze when he looked up at him. The moonlight illuminated his face, making it seem as if he was glowing.
It was in moments like this that Jeonghan felt undeserving and incredibly selfish but he knew there was no way that he could let go. Not when Seungcheol looked at him with that loving gaze, like he was the only one that mattered to him.
It made him want to be adored . Loved for who he was. And if he could he would keep Seungcheol all to himself. Keep him away from wandering eyes and lonely people ,much like himself, because he never wanted to stop feeling this way.
“What about your girlfriend? Won’t she be upset?” He didn’t know why he asked that, he didn’t want to know nor did he want to ruin the moment, especially when he could feel Seungcheol pressed up against him like this. But he couldn’t help it, this is who he was, who was turned into after years of being alone. Jeonghan didn’t know how to keep his thoughts to himself and Seungcheol knew that better than anyone.
“I’d have to have one for her to be upset.”
Seungcheol just laughs and Jeonghan is confused by the relief that washes over him. It wouldn’t have mattered even if he had someone else because they both knew that Seungcheol would come running if Jeonghan was to call. It gave him an odd sense of satisfaction, accompanied with guilt that he pushed down to deal with later.
Seungcheol was his . Had been his from the start and anyone who came between them was the one at fault.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t go.” Seungcheol eventually tightened his hold on jeonghan’s waist, speeding up his movements with the tempo of the song . I’m sorry your parents didn’t let you go, that’s what he should have said but this was a topic never breached. It was something that was off limits in times like these because Seungcheol was Jeonghan's escape. The only time he felt like he was himself again. And he would be damned if he tainted these moments with conversations of his obsessive parents or Seungcheol’s broken home.
“It’s okay, this is better.”
Under the moon, on the balcony, on the night of their school dance, they were just Jeonghan and Seungcheol.
Best friends.
Maybe more, maybe less. He wasn’t sure but as he stared into Seungcheol’s eyes he wondered if he also looked at Seungcheol with the same expression. With the same vague fondness and same sad eyes.
He wondered if Seungcheol could read him just as well as he could read him. He wondered if Seungcheol felt the same elation he did knowing that he had someone’s heart in the palm of his hands.
But he knew the answer to that. Seungcheol wasn’t like him. Seungcheol wasn’t selfish,Seungcheol had no ill intent. Seungcheol didn’t feed off of power like Jeonghan did. Seungcheol didn’t need someone to give everything up for him to feel even an ounce of love.
Seungcheol was made to love, made to be loved but Jeonghan couldn’t do that. He wasn’t even sure if he had the ability to care for something or someone more than he cared for himself.
Would Seungcheol keep him around forever? Would Seungcheol love him forever? Would he love him the most?
These were questions that had no definitive answer but Jeonghan still seeked them out. Because no matter how much of a narcissist he was he knew Seungcheol would be the one to melt his frigid heart.
“You know I find it unfair that I’m the only one allowed to be your friend but I’m still not allowed to come to your house freely.” Seungcheol mused as he walked next to Jeonghan up to his locker in the school hall.
The thought made jeonghan and of that moment he wanted to list all the ways his parents had not been fair. Not being able to have friends over seemed tame in the face of all the other restrictions that were placed on him.
But of course they never discussed things like this and so many words were left unspoken.
“You should be glad I even keep you around as my friend. I could easily make new ones.” Jeonghan stopped in front of his locker, opening it up rather harshly, trying to relieve all the frustration that had built up in his body at the mere mention of his parents.
“I don’t doubt that. But I just wanna come visit you!” Seungcheol smiled at him, leaning against the lockers and he looked like a complete fool. Like the quarterback he was. It was a good look. Jeonghan could understand why girls threw themselves at him.
Pathetic .
“Well the window is always open.” Jeonghan said without ever looking at Seungcheol to see the expression on his face.
“Well, isn’t that interesting.”
Jeonghan had mentioned it rather casually expecting Seungcheol to show up maybe once or twice. What he didn’t think was that this would become a habit.
“If my parents ever found out how often you come here, they’d freak.” Jeonghan stood at the side of his window watching with amusement as Seungcheol struggled to enter the room. He could help but he wasn’t responsible for Seungcheol’s terrible life choices.
“Well then make sure they never find out then.” Seungcheol fell in with a thud and Jeonghan didn’t even try to repress his laughter.
Seungcheol was the only friend he was allowed to have but that didn’t mean that he could be in Jeonghan's room. He could practically see his mother having an aneurysm at the thought of it. That was what made it more exciting.
“Or we let them know and watch my mother have a breakdown.” Jeonghan laughed at that thought, missing the concerned look on Seungcheol’s face. It would be worth it. He just wanted his mother to know that he really wasn’t what she had thought. That he had a mind of his own, plans to rebel that were constantly pushed in fear of losing what he had now.
“Yeah and then you can watch as your dad kills me with that revolver he swears is for decoration.” Seungcheol got off the floor and plopped himself in the bed, legs spread and head resting on an arm bent behind him.
“Don’t say that, Cheollie. I’d never let them hurt you.” Jeonghan was quick to climb on top of Seungcheol, straddling him to get a closer look at his face. The thought had scared him if he was being honest. Seungcheol was the only light in his life and no matter how much jeonghan had tried to convince himself of the fact that he was just fine on his own, he would always, always need Seungcheol.
“Others maybe but never you.” Hurting others wasn’t something unbecoming of his parents but they would have hell to pay if they ever harmed even a hair on his head.
Seungcheol was precious.
Seungcheol was Jeonghan’s.
“That’s reassuring but can we keep the hurting people to a minimum?” Seungcheol chuckled awkwardly, raising a hand up to tuck a strand of jeonghan’s hair behind his ear. His parents' power was not to be misjudged. They had reach and money. Enough money to hide the truth and always come up on top. They both were all too aware of that and it was what kept Jeonghan restrained to this house and his parents' outrageous rules.
“Why do you think I listen to them?” Jeonghan scoffed a little and moved even closer to Seungcheol. Close enough that he could feel the other man's breath hitting the base of his neck. Seungcheol always smelled of cigarette smoke and cheap cologne but the scent was intoxicating. Jeonghan wanted to be surrounded by it constantly. It was embarrassing to admit that for some reason. To admit that he was in fact scared of what his parents could do.
“Hey,” Seungcheol called out to him and Jeonghan finally gathered the courage to look into Seungcheol’s eyes. They were as honest and clear as ever. Jeonghan could stare into them forever.
“Only one more year.”
Another year. He would only have to tolerate it for another. He would only have to be brave for another year. Then he would be eighteen. An adult. An adult with the ability to choose for himself.
Another year.
That’s all.
And he wouldn’t be alone. No. He’d have Seungcheol. Sweet, loving Seungcheol who put his happiness above his own. He could do this if he had Seungcheol.
“Yeah.”
He didn’t know what came over him then but it was suddenly so easy for him to lean in closer and press his glossy lips against Seungcheol’s chapped ones, in what could be described the most chaste kiss ever. It was merely a press of lips, innocent and curious. There were no butterflies but Jeonghan knew it was right . It felt right.
Seungcheol had frozen up beneath him and Jeonghan couldn’t help but chuckle. The anxiety and nervousness was crawling up his throat but he still had hope and Seungcheol finally grabbing his waist was enough indication that he did too.
They never moved past that. Jeonghan pulled away to stare at the other boy, wanting to know what he felt. They lay there with locked gazes, even breathing carefully as to not disrupt the atmosphere.
“You taste like burnt paper.” Jeonghan made a show of licking his lips. A tease.
Then Seungcheol lifted his head up, pressing one more kiss against his lips, effectively smudging the lip gloss jeonghan had so carefully applied.
Then another.
Then another
And another.
It was as if they were stuck in a trance, unable to do anything but stare and then connect their lips, trying to get even closer. Jeonghan could feel the elation bubbling up in his stomach. He could feel Seungcheol’s desperation from the way he pressed their lips together roughly, barely giving Jeonghan a moment to breathe. It was everything he wanted and more.
Seungcheol’s affection.
Seungcheol’s complete attention.
Seungcheol’s heart.
Seungcheol, Seungcheol, Seungcheol.
He was all he could feel, all he could taste, all he could think of. And he couldn’t get enough of him. Ever.
“I don’t think your mother would like this,” Seungcheol laughed, out of breath and completely out of it. He looked like he was in euphoria and Jeonghan loved being the reason behind.
“It doesn’t matter because I do.” Jeonghan dipped back in to kiss him again. Harder this time. More meaningful.
“I like you.”
Seungcheol would forever be the only man worthy of him.
Seungcheol came to him with another bruise the next day. His eye was slightly swollen, the skin around it discoloured. It definitely wasn’t the only bruise he had, the limp and the grimace on his face as he walked was proof of that. Jeonghan didn’t question him on it. After all it wasn’t his business. It didn’t concern him and some things were better hidden.
All that mattered now was that Seungcheol was here. With him. Here, he was safe. Protected from whatever demons he had left behind at home.
“I got you ice cream!” His smile was as radiant as ever and Jeonghan wondered how he did that. How he could pretend so easily that getting beaten to an inch of his life didn’t bother him. But he supposed they both were excellent actors by now.
“Is it strawberry?” Jeonghan greeted him with a kiss. Cringing slightly when the metallic taste of blood settled his tongue. Of course Seungcheol had left his wound open so carelessly. But again, Jeonghan would not comment on it.
This was how they dealt with their problems. Left them untended and masked them with new conversations. It wasn’t healthy, he knew, they both did but there wasn’t anything that could be done to solve them, Not while they were still considered kids, so distractions were welcome.
“Of course it is, your highness.” Seungcheol kissed him once more before flopping down next to the bed, on one of the many cushions Jeonghan had laid out. Jeonghan merely flipped him off before leaving to get a wet tissue from his dresser.
The taste of blood was awful.
“One of the boys broke his legs at practice today, it’s why I was late getting home.” Seungcheol said as jeonghan sat next to him, gently wiping away all the blood on and around his lips. They wouldn’t speak about what had happened but Seungcheol always gave some sort of reason as to why and Jeonghan always cleaned and dressed his wounds. It was all the explanation Jeonghan would get and it was all he needed.
“I think we might lose the next game.” Just like that, the conversation was steered into another direction. That easily.
“Because of one person? Don’t sell yourself short. You could win it alone if you wanted.” Jeonghan was sure of that. Seungcheol was good at football, that was obvious. He had good leadership skills and he led his team to many easy victories. In fact he was sure the only way that team could lose was if Seungcheol wanted them to.
That fact registered a little late in Jeonghan's brain and he slapped the other boy when he realised this was a way to fish for compliments. Jeonghan had fallen for it too easily.
Was the smile on Seungcheol’s face worth the embarrassment?
Maybe it was.
“Maybe it would be easier for you if you just asked me to compliment you.” Jeonghan shoved him, mindful of his injuries. He huffed and got up to throw the tissues away and grab the ointment instead. The little basket on his dresser was now full of various first aid items. They looked out of place and they clashed with the other items on the dresser but they were needed quite frequently. This was another sacrifice he had been willing to make for Seungcheol.
His annoyance was obvious from his rigid form. He wasn’t used to complimenting others. It took a lot for him to do so. His boyfriend was well aware of that and yet he still used his tactics to bring Jeonghan out of his comfort zone.
Jeonghan could understand the need to be complimented. He himself lived off of them but they were only to boost his ego. To emphasise his beauty that’s he was so well aware of.
But he didn’t like being played like that. He didn’t like being subject to any games, even of a playful nature.
“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, baby.” Seungcheol laughed and reached out a hand to him, convincing him to come back. “I’ve got something to give you.”
That peaked his interest. Jeonghan enjoyed gifts. And a gift from Seungcheol was always that much more special.
Jeonghan sighed as he sat down next to him once more, the ointment clutched in his shaky hands.
“What is it?”
He watched Seungcheol positively light up as he pulled out his cherished cassette player. The thing was so old now but the other boy still seemed to carry it around everywhere. There were many other ways to listen to music now but Seungcheol seemed adamant of keeping the old device in use. It was old fashioned but it obviously meant something to him so jeonghan never questioned it.
From the other pocket he pulled out a cassette, the case was scribbled over, decorated with the stickers Jeonghan had always found cute. It was so incredibly cliche that Jeonghan just couldn’t hold back his surprised laugh.
“You made me a mixtape?” He was in shock. Leave it to Seungcheol to be the most unpredictable man.
“Hey, don’t laugh at me! This is important to me!” Seungcheol swatted at him, wanting him to stop laughing but he failed and soon joined in as well. It was a ridiculous thought but jeonghan should hear him out at least.
“Songs have meaning. They’re precious to me and I don’t share them with just anyone, you know! I like to keep my music choices a secret! These are hidden gems!” Seungcheol rambled on as Jeonghan rushed to play the cassette, eager to hear the music. Despite his initial surprise, Jeonghan was intrigued.
A soft melody drifted through the room and Jeonghan laughed out loud. Jeonghan immediately recognised the song as making love out of nothing at all by Air Supply.
“Hidden gems? You call one of the hit songs of the 80’s a hidden gem?” He scoffed as he continued to listen. Jeonghan was all too familiar with pop culture but he would be honest and admit that he had never really listened to the song.
“Okay so maybe it’s not so much of a secret but no one listens to it anymore!” Seungcheol was blushing now, hands moving rapidly as he tried to prove his point. “Besides, this song just reminds of you. That’s why it matters.” The last part of it was mumbled but jeonghan caught it.
And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes, like a spotlight.
“It’s kind of like the words I can’t say.”
Was this really how Seungcheol viewed him? Jeonghan had always wondered what his image was in the eyes of the other man and now Seungcheol was trying to give him a glance and all he had been was judgemental.
The beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost and it’s looking for a rhythm like you.
Seungcheol could no longer look at him and Jeonghan felt himself blushing as well. Different emotions hit him all at once and for a moment he was paralysed, staring at Seungcheol with complete disbelief.
It was a song. It shouldn’t mean so much. But Seungcheol had said it had reminded him of jeonghan and the thought kept revolving in his head making this song far more intimate. It wasn’t written for him but it was shared with him by the man he was coming to love and he would be damned if he didn’t cherish this.
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night and turn it into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
There were implications behind it. Implication of love and want and Jeonghan found himself straining his ears to make sure he heard everything correctly. Not wanting to miss even a single word. Not wanting to miss feeling any emotion.
I’ve gotta follow it because everything I know, well it’s nothing till I give it to you.
Seungcheol had his head buried in his knees but Jeonghan continued to look at him with the same expression. His eyes were slowly filling up and he wasn’t sure why.
Maybe it was the words.
Maybe it was how well he could relate.
Maybe it was how he felt the exact same way about Seungcheol.
I can make you every promise that’s ever been made. I can make your demons be gone.
They both fit the part perfectly and Jeonghan shuddered at the thought, still reeling from the realisation that Seungcheol needed him just as much. That he had helped Seungcheol deal with everything in some way on his own.
He reached out to the other boy then, taking hold of his hand first to make him look up at him. He was scared. No, he was terrified of what this all meant for them but one thing was quite clear.
But I’m never gonna make it without you,
They needed each other. They were both tied together so intricately that neither could escape even if they tried.
Do you really wanna see me crawl,
Seungcheol’s eyes were red rimmed, cheeks shining with tears that were messily wiped away. He looked like a kid for once. Scared, innocent and hopeful. Jeonghan’s heart broke at the sight but he couldn’t get the words out. Far too choked up.
And I’m never gonna make it like you do,
He was too overwhelmed to talk but that didn’t stop him from throwing himself at the other man. Hugging as tight as he could, holding him as close as he could. Needing him to know that he felt the same love for him if not more.
Making love out of nothing at all,
“I didn’t think it would make you cry this much.” Seungcheol laughed as he hugged back just as tight. Their hearts were beating faster, almost as if they were in tune with the beat of the drums.
“I need you. I’ll always need you. I look forward to seeing you every day.” Jeonghan was rambling as well now, saying everything he hadn’t been able to before. He didn’t need to hold back any longer.
“And I know when the time is right, you’ll take me away from here.” The last part was whispered, another secret shared between them. Another promise made.
But I don’t know how to leave you,
And I’ll never let you fall.
Sex.
It was popular among the kids at his school. They were all perpetually horny and Jeonghan easily pretended that he didn’t think they were pathetic.
At first he couldn’t see the appeal. At all. Something about another person touching him like that was revolting.
“You’re precious, Jeonghannie. No one should ever touch you.” His mother had said those words to him all his life and he had always found them off putting, creepy even but they stuck with him. To the point where he began to cherish himself. Thought that he was far too good for anyone and their dirty hands.
However, that all started to change once he began to see Seungcheol in a different life. Once he began to notice how good Seungcheol’s plum lips felt against his own. Once he began to notice how easily Seungcheol’s big hands enveloped his small.
Seungcheol was beautiful in his own way. Broad and muscular. Far wider and bigger than him in so many ways.
He liked everything about him, from his face to his hands to his body. And for the first time in his life jeonghan felt the urge to give himself up to this man.
“Does sex feel good?” Jeonghan asked Seungcheol from where he was lying in his lap, eyes bright and inquisitive. Seungcheol choked a little, his cheeks colouring a bright red and jeonghan scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. Surely this wasn’t something embarrassing. Was it?
“I don’t know. I guess it would depend on the person you do it with.” Seungcheol replied after taking a long moment to think about it, Jeonghan was an impatient person and he would have been annoyed by now but he understood that this was uncharted territory.
“Was it good when you did it before?”
“Wow you’re chatty today aren’t you?” Seungcheol chuckled awkwardly, clearing his throat when he detected nothing but curiosity on Jeonghan's face. “But yeah no, it wasn’t great but it was okay, I guess.”
Jeonghan nodded seriously, taking some time to take in that information.he had a decision to make and he had to make it now.
“Okay. Okay, so we should do it.” He said resolutely as he sat up to look Seungcheol in the eyes. They were still seventeen and this was probably not a good idea but Jeonghan had just about had it with playing by the rules. He could allow himself this much.
“What! What?” Seungcheol sputtered, staring at him with wide eyes. It was kind of cute if he would just close his mouth.
“I want to have sex with you, Seungcheol.” He said it slower this time, clearer and with more determination.
“No! I mean, yes me too but not like this! I want to take you out first!” Seungcheol, ever the gentleman.
“I don’t think that would be possible. Ever. Let’s just do it.” Jeonghan grabbed at him but Seungcheol just swatted his hands away.
“No, wait, I have a solution!” He held both of jeonghan’s hands in his own, finally getting him to look at him and listen. “Your parents go out of town at the end of every month right?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Well, we’ll get Martha to help and you can sneak out with me, the same way I get in.” Seungcheol sounded excited and Jeonghan could admit that he was as well.
He had never considered this fact before. He had never even thought of sneaking out. Ever.
But Seungcheol was right. This was a good plan. Martha, the housekeeper, loved him. She even felt bad for him and knew all about Seungcheol’s visits. She was more like a mother to Jeonghan than his mother ever was. She would surely help them out.
“We could go out to the drive-in cinema that you’ve always wanted to go to.”
“Seungcheol, you don’t have a car.”
“I’ll borrow Jihoon’s.” Seungcheol was practically vibrating with excitement and Jeonghan felt the same.
“It’ll be our first date.”
“And we’ll have sex.”
“Don’t ruin the moment, Hannie.”
True to his word, Seungcheol had snuck him out of the house at the end of the month. Martha has been all too willing to help them out and Jeonghan would forever be grateful to have her.
Jeonghan was thrilled with it being the first time he would be out of the house with someone other than his parents. It was like seeing the city with new eyes and the feeling was indescribable. He felt free for the first time in his life.
And true to his word, Seungcheol had made it the best for him. He had treated him to good food, had complimented him endlessly, feeding his ego. Jeonghan felt light headed with the excitement and happiness he was feeling.
It felt as if the world was theirs and he had no worry left in the world. For this night he was free from his parents chains and he would take complete advantage of it. Break every rule he had been scared to break. He could do whatever he wanted, he was invincible on this night and nothing could ruin it for him.
He had let another man touch him that night as well, had offered up his virginity to Seungcheol and it was the easiest thing for him. He was confident with his body, knew that he had nothing to be afraid of, especially when it was Seungcheol the one he was surrendering to.
His mother would not approve but jeonghan didn’t care even the slightest bit as he gave in to the pleasure.
They had been late to the movie as well. Both of them sitting in the car with flushed cheeks, disheveled hair and uncontrollable giggles.
It was unreal what he had just done but jeonghan had no regrets whatsoever. Especially not when he saw Seungcheol shining so brightly next to him.
With him, there were no regrets.
“Do you sometimes wish you had different parents?” Jeonghan said as he next to Seungcheol on the roof of his house.
It was Seungcheol’s idea and for some reason the other boy seemed nervous today. Jeonghan could tell from the way he was fidgeting incessantly. His eyes didn’t rest in one place and he was already on his second cigarette. He didn’t question it but he could tell something was bothering Seungcheol.
“No,” Seungcheol finally looked at him and took a long frag from his cigarette. Jeonghan hated it but he could never tell Seungcheol to stop because he insisted that he needed this.
“I wouldn’t be who I am now if I was born to someone else.” A long exhale. Jeonghan watched the smoke rise up into the sky, it blurred Seungcheol’s form a little and Jeonghan felt a tug at his heart. “Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have an easier life but I’m not ashamed of who I am now. It took a lot to put myself together and I wouldn’t want it any other way now.”
The words made a lot of sense. Their parents played a huge role in making them into who they were but not in the positive way one would assume. Their restrictions and their strict rules had shaped their childhood, and had forced them to grow up far too early. Forced them to look for a way out.
As Jeonghan looked down at the ground he thought of how easy it would actually be to get an out. All he needed was a little push.
But that push would never come. Instead he was pulled back in by Seungcheol’s deep voice.
“But there’s only a few more months left. Then I won’t need them.”
Jeonghan knew for a fact that Seungcheol had been saving up for years to find a way to leave and he desperately wanted to be a part of his plan to leave. He already had money and a scholarship for a college in a different state. All he needed was to turn eighteen and then he was free.
Seungcheol was the only one who had gotten him through all this. Jeonghan didn’t think he could ever make it without him and so he had wasted no time in applying to the same college.
Seungcheol would never leave him alone. He had promised him that and that was something Jeonghan will forever hold on to.
“Then I’ll become a lawyer, make lots of money and keep kids away from their awful parents.” Seungcheol was a little zoned out and jeonghan reached out to hold his hand, smiling at him supportively. The smile he received in return was almost blinding.
“Am I anywhere in that future?” He had hesitated before asking but he needed to know the answer.
“You’re in every future I think for myself. You’re the only good thing in my life.” He was always so sincere that Jeonghan was left speechless.
Seungcheol was too good to him, surely he was the one good thing in his life as well. Someone jeonghan would always be grateful to.
“Just a few more months and we’ll make our future together, baby.”