Work Text:
--ectoBiologist [EB] posted memo FRIENDLEADERS FOR LIFE--
EB: hi everyone! so karkat keeps yelling at me because he says i'm stealing his position as leader.
EB: what do you guys think? because personally, i don't think of myself as a leader at all! if anything i like to think I'm just everyone's good friend.
--tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to the memo--
TT: What brought this conversation up, if you don't mind my asking?
EB: i just got off a chat with karkat actually
EB: obviously he was yelling at me
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to the memo--
CG: HEY
CG: THAT WAS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION, SHIT FOR BRAINS
CG: GLAD TO SEE YOU AREN'T LEAKING THE THINGS I TOLD YOU IN THE UTMOST CONFIDENCE OF FRIENDSHIP OUT TO THE WORLD AT LARGE.
EB: but karkat! what else am I supposed to do?
--twinArmageddons [TA] responded to the memo--
TA: kk what the fuck
TA: youre 2tiill on that?
CG: SHUT THE HELL UP, CAPTOR.
TT: It's interesting that this is aggravating you. We are two separate groups, after all, and therefore have two separate leaders.
TT: John is our leader. You are the trolls'.
EB: i still don't think of myself as your leader.
EB: we're just friends! good friends who battle evil and create worlds and make plans to not die together.
--turntechGodhead [TG] responded to the memo--
TG: woah woah woah
TG: i know you guys arent getting all sentimental without me
TT: We wouldn't dream of it.
CG: WHY ARE THE ALIENS ALL HERE WHILE MY TEAM REMAINS STRANGELY ABSENT?
TA: well then
TA: ii 2ee where ii 2tand wiith you
CG: QUIT CRYING
CG: MY PROBLEM ISN'T WITH YOU
CG: IT'S WITH THE REST OF THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED TEENAGERS I UNFORTUNATELY CALL MY TEAM.
EB: jeez, you're so mean to your friends!
--arachnidsGrip [AG] responded to the memo--
AG: Wow, Karkat. No need to get your panties in a twist.
CG: YOU ARE THE LAST TROLL I WANTED TO HEAR FROM
AG: Ruuuuuuuude much!
TA: you de2erve iit
TA: biitch
TT: What an interesting response.
TG: oh shit you triggered rose
--KANKRI VANTAS responded to the memo--
KANKRI: Did s9me9ne 6ec9me triggered?
--carcinoGenetist [CG] blocked KANKRI VANTAS from responding to the memo--
TG: oh thank fuck
EB: who was that guy?
CG: DON'T ASK.
TT: It's complicated.
TA: tru2t me, you dont want two know
AG: He's just some lamey lameo who thinks he's cool!!!!!!!!
TG: hes nobody
TG: you are all terrible at making john not want to know
CG: LIKE YOU'RE ANY BETTER. WHAT KIND OF CLICHÉ RESPONSE IS "hes nobody"? THAT'S PRACTICALLY BEGGING FOR THE EGBERT HUMAN TO QUESTION THE ANSWERS STARING HIM BLATANTLY IN HIS UGLYASS FACE.
TG: hey i was just giving him the truth
TT: That depends on who you ask.
--cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to the memo--
CC: You guys s)(ore )(ave been )(ere for a whale!
CC: W)(at's bubbling? 38D
TA: hey ff
CC: )(i Sol!
--caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to the memo--
CA: hey noww
CA: sol you better not be flirtin wwith my flounder
CA: come on fef, let's leavve this lowwblood dump
CC: Eridan! We aren't flirting!
CC: S)(---EE)(S! I can't talk to anyone anymore wit)(out you getting jealous! It's so ridiculous!
CA: wwell I think I havve a pretty good reason
CA: he's stolen you from me before, if you don't recall, and I don't doubt he'd do it again
CG: THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ADMITTEDLY PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT ROMANCE.
--carcinoGenetist [CG] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA] from responding to the memo--
--carcinoGenetist [CG] blocked cuttlefishCuller [CC] from responding to the memo--
--carcinoGenetist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
TA: why diid you block me?
TA: ii diidnt do anything
CG: BUT YOU WERE INVOLVED. THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
EB: um, guys? can we please get back to the topic?
AG: Awwwwwwww! 8ut things were just getting interesting ::::(
CG: SHIT. WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?
TG: your hateflirting with egderp
EB: dave!
TT: Did you also come to that conclusion?
TG: yeah
TG: you did too right
TT: Indeed.
CG: OH MY GOG.
EB: rose! not you too!
EB: ugh! jeez, guys, can't we just focus on the topic at hand for a second?
EB: because this is starting to piss me off
CG: WHAT? EGBERT, FINALLY SUCCUMBING TO THE SCATHING, UNENDING DEPTHS OF RAGE?
CG: EVERYONE, PLEASE, TAKE A SCREENSHOT OF THIS MOMENT SO THAT IT MAY BE FOREVER RECORDED ON THE WRINKLY SHAMEGLOBS OF HISTORY. FROM THIS MOMENT ON, ECTOBIOLOGIST STATING HE IS GETTING PISSED WILL BE TATTOOED ACROSS THE HAIRY ASS OF FATHER TIME, EVERY STEAMING PILE OF SHIT DEFACATED FROM NOW ON PRINTED WITH THIS SECRET CONFESSION OF FILTHY EMOTION.
CG: I'M TAKING A PICTURE OF THIS. IT WILL FOREVER BE THE BACKPHOTO ON MY HUSKTOP.
TG: lame
TG: see man i told you he had a crush
AG: Karkat, you're so laaaaaaaaaame!
CG: SHUT YOUR DIRTY FUCKING HOLES. THIS IS A MONUMENTAL MOMENT HERE.
TT: Yes, it can be hard to fathom that John is a real person with real emotions, but we must do our best to remind ourselves that John Egbert is neither robot or ghost, but a living, breathing individual.
TA: ii liike her
CG: I SWEAR TO GOG IM GOING TO BAND YOU FOUR
TA: plea2e. ii can undo 2omethiing that ea2y at lea2t
CG: FINE.
CG: HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
TA: ii hope you reali2e youre beiing ridiculou2
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
EB: ugh! would you two quit it already?
EB: i really want to talk about this whole leader thing!
CG: JUST LET ME SHOW THIS FUCKER WHO’S BOSS
TA: 2crew you
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
EB: guys! i’m serious!
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
EB: if you all don’t stop getting distracted by stupid things and actually let me have my gog-forsaken talk, i’m LEAVING.
TA: iim not even doiing anything
TA: iif you want two yell at 2omeone, yell at thii2 iidiiot who keeps blockiing me from the memo
CG: DON’T ACT INNOCENT. IT DOESN’T SUIT YOU.
TA: gee thank2
EB: i’m serious! i’ll leave!
AG: Let them throw their 8itch fits, John. Otherwise they might turn on us!
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
-- gardenGnostic [GG] responded to the memo--
GG: woah
GG: hey, what’s going on here?? is everything alright?
CG: IT’S JUST PEACHY
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
TA: kk iim 2tartiing two 2eriiou2ly hate you
CG: I DON’T SHARE THE SENTIMENT
TA: FUCK
TA: no not iin that way
TA: ii meant-
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to the memo--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] unblocked twinArmageddons [TA]--
EB: OKAY, THAT’S IT!
EB: I’M CLOSING THIS THING DOWN. sorry for assuming we could all have a serious talk for once
-- ectoBiologist [EB] closed the memo--
CG: . . .
CG: SHIT
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]--
CG: DON’T BLOCK ME.
CG: LOOK
CG: I KNOW I JUST MADE A REAL ASSHOLE ABOUT MYSELF AND I JUST TURNED THAT WHOLE MEMO AROUND SO IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME LIKE THE BIG TOOL THAT I AM
CG: BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY I’M SORRY.
EB: …
EB: karkat, sometimes you are really hard to deal with, you know that?
CG: YEAH
CG: AND I’M SORRY
CG: LIKE REALLY, REALLY SORRY
EB: i kinda just want to stay mad at you for a little longer to be honest
EB: but at the same time, i don’t think i can when you apologize to me like that.
EB: now are you actually going to listen to me about this? because we really need to talk. i want to figure this leader thing out if it’s going to give us problems.
CG: IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
CG: I WAS JUST BEING A DICK.
EB: what do you mean?
EB: oh shoot. give me a sec, it looks like some else is pestering me.
CG: JOHN?
EB: okay i’m putting us on group chat. looks like i worried everyone there.
EB: whoops! hehe.
CG: WAIT, BEFORE YOU DO THAT
CG: THERE’S SOMETHING I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOU.
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] joined chat--
GC: HMM? >:?
-- turntechGodhead [TG] joined chat--
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] joined chat--
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] joined chat--
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] joined chat--
AA: hi guys! whats going on?
-- centaursTesticle [CT] joined chat--
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] joined chat--
:33 < *ac is confused by what is going on in the chat log. she investigates very carefurry*
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] joined chat--
-- gardenGnostic [GG] joined chat--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] joined chat--
-- twinArmageddons [TA] left chat--
AA: D:
AA: hey wait a minute sollux! we should do stuff with our friends!
AA: im coming to get you!
-- apocalypseArisen [AA] left chat--
-- terminallyCapracious [TC] joined chat--
TC: WoAh.
TC: lOoK aT aLl ThE bRoThErS aNd SiStErS gAtHeReD fOr ThIs BiTcHtItS pArTy
TC: HoNk :o)
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] joined chat--
CA: cod, i better not be throwwn out again
-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] joined chat--
-- adiosToreador [AT] joined chat--
AT: uHH, iM NOT SURE, i WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS
TC: aW, cOmE oN tAvBrO!
TC: GeT yOuR mIrAcLeS oN wItH uS :o)
AT: i DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS
AG: Don’t 8e such a lamey lameo, Tavros!
EB: sheesh. no wonder karkat is always yelling at you guys.
EB: you have the attention span of a goldfish.
CC: Glub?
CA: for your sake i hope you’re not mockin seadwellers right noww
EB: what? no way! it was just a figure of speech.
TT: You need to be careful what you say around the trolls, John. They have a different culture than us and so may take offense to very different things.
CG: OH LOOK. LALONDE SUDDENLY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.
EB: whatever
EB: oh, right, weren’t you about to say something karkat?
GC: (1 st1ll h4v3 no 1d34 wh4t’s go1ng on)
TG: karkat was hateflirting with john and then acting like a total douchebag with sollux until john got fed up and closed the memo
TG: now it looks like they made up so john turned their private chat into a group chat
CG: I WASN’T FLIRTING YOU IGNORANT FUCK!
GC: 1 H4V3N’T B33N H3R3 FOR MOST OF TH3 CONV3RS4T1ONS 4ND 3V3N 1 DONT B3L13V3 TH4T
GA: Karkat, Do You Remember What You And I Talked About A Few Days Ago? Perhaps Now Would Be A Good Time To Do As We Said.
CG: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
GA: I Had Thought It Was Obvious.
TT: Don’t worry, Karkat. I would be more than happy to take Kanaya off your hands for the time being.
GA: Oh Dear.
GA: Rose, Are You Suggesting What I Think?
TT: Perhaps.
AG: 8luuuuuuuuh! Gross! Can’t the two of you go get a room or something?
GA: Excuse Me, Everyone, But I Must . . . Go Now.
-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] left chat--
TT: I do believe that was my cue.
TT: Farewell, all. Good luck to you, Karkat, John.
-- tentacleTherapist [TT] left chat--
EB: wait what?
EB: good luck for what?
TG: dont question it dude
TG: no one can really understand all of the dark, lesbian things working through our young friends mind
TG: except for maybe me
TG: and i kind of understand her plan i think
EB: you do?
TG: yeah
TG: terezi what do you say that you and i blow this popsicle stand and go get some ice cream or something
GC: 1M ST1LL K1ND OF CONFUS3D 4ND 1 DONT KNOW WH4T 1C3 CR34M 1S BUT SUR3
GC: WHY NOT
TG: awesome
-- turntechGodhead [TG] left chat--
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] left chat--
-- adiosToreador [AT] left chat--
TC: :o(
AG: Hey!
AG: Oh no you don’t, Tavros! Get 8ack here!
-- arachnidsGrip [AG] left chat--
TC: BeTtEr Go HeLp A bRoThEr OuT
TC: MaKe SuRe To MaKe MiRaClEs WhIlE i’M gOnE, kArBro.
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] left chat--
EB: why is everyone leaving all of a sudden? i don’t get it.
EB: are they mad at /me/ now?
CG: . . .
CA: wwell, i havve nothing left to do here
CA: and its obvvious you twwo are going to do something disgustingly romantic soon
CA: fef, you wwanna go for a swwim?
CC: O)(, Y---EA)(!
-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] left chat--
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] left chat--
EB: romantic? what?!
EB: hey! you can’t just say something and then leave without explaining! come back here!
EB: why are we surrounded by vague-speaking couples that seem to know something i don’t?
CG: LOOK
CG: JOHN
CG: YOU DO REALIZE THEY KEEP BRINGING THAT SHIT UP FOR A REASON, RIGHT?
EB: ...i don’t understand.
EB: what do you mean?
CG: OUR NOOKSUCKING TEAMATES AND FRIENDS AREN’T JUST SAYING ALL OF THAT STUFF TO BE ASSHOLES. NOT TO SAY THAT *SOME* OF THE REASON THEY DO THINGS IS TO ACT LIKE INSUFFERABLE DOUCHELORDS, BUT THEY’RE BRINGING UP ALL THIS ROMANTIC BULLSHIT AND VAGUE HINTS FOR A REASON.
EB: ….
CG: JOHN, I’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED WITH YOU THAT I NO LONGER HATE YOU.
CG: AND THAT’S STILL TRUE. I DON’T HATE YOU.
CG: BUT
CG: THERE’S A POSSIBILITY THAT I’M MORE THAN A LITTLE OKAY WITH YOU. AND BY THAT I MEAN I’M A LOT OKAY WITH YOU. AS IN I HAVE A FLUSH CRUSH ON YOU, AND SINCE I KNOW YOU’RE A DUMBASS WHO STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND TROLL QUADRANTS, I’M GOING TO INFORM YOU THAT A FLUSHED CRUSH IS THE SAME THING AS A NORMAL HUMAN CRUSH.
CG: I THINK.
CG: . . . . . . . JOHN, SAY SOMETHING.
CG: IF NOTHING ELSE AT LEAST TELL ME TO FUCK OFF
CG: DON’T JUST LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS
EB: i just
EB: i’m surprised.
EB: i thought after you told me we were okay that that was the end of it. done, over with, no more relationship ideas for you and me.
CG: OH.
CG: WELL.
CG: FUCK.
EB: i’m not gonna lie, i have . . . thought about it. a little bit.
EB: but
EB: i don’t know. i’m not really sure what to do anymore now that the game is officially over and done with.
EB: i wouldn’t mind having a relationship with someone, but i can’t really promise you that it’ll work out or that i’ll fall in love or that it’ll be like your romcoms. i don’t even know if i’m a homosexual or a heterosexual or what anymore.
CG: I’M OKAY WITH THAT.
CG: HONESTLY, I NEVER EXPECTED FOR YOU TO CONSIDER IT AT ALL. EVERY TIME I IMAGINED CONFESSING TO YOU FOR THE SECOND TIME IT WAS ALWAYS WITH TERRIBLE RESULTS.
EB: i’m not going to stop being your friend just because you have a crush on me.
EB: at least
EB: not if you don’t want to.
EB: i’d hate to force you to stick around if i was hurting you
CG: SO . . . I’M CONFUSED.
CG: IS THAT A YES OR A NO?
EB: it’s a . . . maybe.
EB: i want to try out a relationship with you, but i don’t know if it’ll work out.
CG: LIKE I SAID EARLY
CG: I’M OKAY WITH THAT
CG: REALLY
CG: IN FACT I’M KIND OF REALLY FUCKING STOKED RIGHT NOW
EB: want to grab a bite to eat with me?
CG: HELL YES.
CG: SEE YOU IN FIVE MINUTES.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] left chat--
EB: looks like you were right, nepeta!
EB: wow. i didn’t think he could possibly still like me after all that’s happened.
AC: :33< *ac prances up to you like the majestic feline she is and says, “I know! I’m very good at this kind of thing!”
EB: well . . . thanks. really.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] left chat--
CT: D -->Why must you socialize with the lowb100ds? They’re so . . . ve%aticious.
AC: :33< *ac says, “I like them! They’re good friends!*
CT: D -->Hmph.
CT: D -->Well, if everyone else is going to insist on leaving in couples for courtship rituals, what say you to going on one of our own?
AC: :33< *ac gasps and says she would enjoy this very much!*
-- centaursTesticle [CT] left chat--
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] left chat--
GG: :O
GG: what did i just read?