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The heavy buzz of the rain against large windows comforts and unnerves Kei at the same time. Somehow it feels like destiny telling him he's put this off for too long.
It's right, of course.
Kei can't help but smile, pitying himself. He hugs his arms a little closer.
"Are you cold? I can get you a sweater." Ushijima emerges from the kitchen in an apron.
And that's a sight that squeezes something in Kei's chest. This feels like they're a couple, maybe living together or one of them staying the night. Ushijima is the better cook between the two, and he's also the more organized and fussier about his boyfriend.
Kei has no doubt that Ushijima will make a great boyfriend. He'll cook his partner food, and buy them sentimental gifts, and try to help with their work sometimes. And Kei isn't one to have a penchant for affection, but he often thinks that if it's from Ushijima, then he wants it.
He wants anything he'll give him.
(Isn't that why he's in this mess in the first place?)
"What? Are you getting sappy on me now?" He feels a smirk on his face as he turns from his place beside the window. He's good at this, hiding what he feels.
He doesn't know if it's a talent or a curse, to have a knack for making personal jabs. He knows just the thing to say to get under someone's skin, and he will use it to keep them at a distance. Far enough so they won't see the subtle lines of his face, and the ring of emotion encircling his irises.
He's good at it. Maybe too good.
The other gives him a confused stare. It reminds him of a lost puppy. "No."
Kei rolls his eyes. His retorts never did work on the brunette. "Never mind. Do you need anything?"
Ushijima takes off his apron. He holds it in front of him as he folds it. "No. I was going to say dinner's ready."
Dinner's ready. It falls off the other's tongue easily. As if this is something they do regularly. Not at all like this is going to be their first dinner together. And it's just a fluke. Only because it poured as soon as Kei was going.
And Kei was really going, even if Ushijima's kisses were still warm on his skin, his touch still lingering on his hips, his grunts still echoing in his ear. Because that’s what this is and what this will always be, even when it's over. And though Kei should be happy he's even getting this much, he wants more.
God, he wants more. In every sense of the word.
He wants to stay after the sex, even when there's no storm. He wants to kiss Ushijima on the neck and leave it at that. He wants to plan dates, even if the thought of being with Ushijima in public makes him cringe and gives him a headache.
He wants, wants, wants. It's a feeling that swallows him up bit by bit, gnaws at him until he's open and raw and he realizes the wound is not clotting. It's just there. Getting bigger and bigger the longer this goes on.
Which is why it can't.
He follows Ushijima into the kitchen and sees the laid-out food on the table. The squeeze in his chest tightens further. It's a glimpse of the life he will never have with the other man. It's destiny telling him he's put this off for too long.
He sits at the table across from the brunette. "Didn't you make too much food?"
Ushijima puts his hands together and murmurs a 'thank you for the food.' "No. This is enough for two. You should eat more, you've been losing a lot of weight, right?"
He's stuck between 'yes' and 'how do you know that' but what comes out is a huffed, "That's none of your business."
He says his own thanks and starts to eat. Any sign of heat on his cheeks is ignored. He feels foolish. This is Ushijima Wakatoshi. He's getting his hopes up by himself.
When Kei takes his first bite, warmth spreads through his chest. Ushijima's food is good. He's always imagined it would be and in a true bout of masochism, he lets himself be happy he guessed right.
"Is it delicious? You're smiling." He is, in fact, just curving his lips a little. Ushijima's eagle eye is just too sharp.
"Are you really fishing for compliments right now?" He raises one eyebrow for effect. Hide, hide, hide.
"No." Ushijima glances down at the table and puts meat on Kei's bowl. "This is the first time I'm cooking for you, so I want to know what you think."
And isn't that incredibly unfair of him. To just say something like that. What he really thinks. Because Kei is hiding his feelings and he's good at it. And Ushijima is showing his and Kei's okay with that.
(Really, isn't that what got him in this mess in the first place?)
Kei feels the blood rushing to his face properly now. "Yeah, it's good, happy now?"
And Ushijima really has to do this to him on the night he decided to end it. He gives him a small smile. A miniscule smile, to be honest. But it turns out Kei keeps an eagle eye of his own. The look is foreign but welcome in Ushijima's face. He almost looks proud. Of himself? Of Kei? Who knows.
What matters is Kei is weak, to everything Ushijima does. So he gives him a smile of his own.
It gets a little more comfortable after that. Ushijima is uncharacteristically chatty over dinner. Kei decides 'fuck it' and enjoys this glimpse. For one meal. Just for one meal, he'll pretend he has this life with Ushijima. He'll put this off one last time.
And after, he'll let go.
As chopsticks are placed neatly over their empty bowls, Kei volunteers to do the dishes. Ushijima thanks him and says he'll make hot chocolate. He makes a comment about how childish hot chocolate is and Ushijima defends by saying he doesn't like caffeine.
Kei's gloved hands work on scrubbing the utensils. And his idle mind figures this should be the time before the breakup when reminiscing happens. All the fun memories.
Except this isn't a breakup. And there are no memories. Kei bites his lip. This is it. This really is it. He can't put this off anymore.
He's finishing the plates and putting them on the drying rack when arms wrap around his stomach. He tilts his head on instinct, waiting for the touch of lips on his neck but as soon as he does it, dread shoots up his spine.
No. He's not falling in this hole again. Warmth presses into his back and Kei internally panics. He has to say something. 'Stop' or 'Let's end this' or 'I don't want to do this anymore' or–
"I'm in love with you."
It doesn't come from his mouth. His body—the whole one hundred ninety centimeters of it—goes taut as a bowstring.
"I know you're in love with me, too."
His lungs freeze. He swings around. He's met with Ushijima's intense gaze, and as far as he knows, it's always been like that. There's no revelation of feelings, or complicated thoughts. Just that one intense thing that Kei could never put a name on.
And Kei feels exposed. He knows. His retorts never worked on Ushijima, and hiding his feelings also didn't.
"You look surprised." The brunette squeezes his hips.
"Of course, I am!" He bites his lip again. This isn't a dream.
"But Tsukishima." Ushijima's left hand travels from his side to his chin. He cups his face and runs a thumb on Kei's lower lip to stop him from splitting it. "I think I've been in love with you the whole time."
The bowstring snaps. Kei's cheeks are wet.
"You can't just do that." He hits his chest as tears steadily stream. "I was going to end this. You're such a bastard. Your timing is so– I was going to end this a minute ago."
Ushijima takes the hits. Knowing him, he probably barely feels them. "I am ending it."
Kei's breath hitches.
"Tsukishima Kei. Be my boyfriend." Ushijima's eyes are just as unwavering as the day they met. As the day he fell for him. And as the day they first kissed. Looking back, they really did it backwards.
And really, it's such a mess but Kei is in it and now he's not in it alone.
"Don't tell me what to do, idiot." He says this even as his lips meet the older's.
And they've done this so many times before. But as fingers card through his hair and an arm hugs his middle, it feels like this is the first time their lips are sealed together. It's soft and it's slow and everything he never thought he'd have with the man he's in love with.
When they pull away, Kei's cheeks are hot and his head feels light.
"Can I take that as a yes?" Ushijima is just as honest and as upstanding as he remembers.
Kei smiles, and he feels it crinkle his eyelids. "Do what you want."
(So Ushijima kisses him again. And Kei knows this is a mess he wants to be in.)