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“I can’t keep doing this, Derek.” Stiles sighed, all the fight going out of him. He was tired; tired of arguing, tired of not knowing what was going on in Derek’s head, tired of not being able to say what he really felt. Derek’s jaw dropped and he quickly tried to find the right words to say, although he had no idea what they might be.
“What are you talking about?” he asked, settling for trying to understand the problem he couldn't (read; woudln't) really grasp.
“This! Us! Whatever this is, I-“ Stiles stopped himself, rubbing his face with one hand and then running it through his hair. “I don’t even know you, Derek.” Stiles really thought that after 8 years of knowing each other they would’ve gotten further than this.
“Of course you do! Stiles, you do know me, you-“
“I don’t Derek! I never know what you’re thinking. I don’t know anything about you; your birthday, your favorite color, what you do when you’re alone. I don’t know if you do- anything! Other than the few moments I see you every week. I don’t get to be a part of whatever it is you do between arguing my plans, grumbling about letting me borrow your supernatural books, ripping the innards out of our ‘Monster of the week’ and the odd times you seduce me into letting you fuck me stupid.” Stiles breathed heavily, glaring at Derek. “I don’t even know if you like me, or if I’m just convenient.”
Derek gaped. Somewhere deep down he knew this was what he'd been portraying to Stiles, but it was hard to believe, even with the evidence in the form of Stiles wounded expression glaring him in the face. He knew his inability to fully trust anyone could hurt whatever relationship he managed to build with someone, but he never imagined it would actually affect Stiles this much. This wonderfully intriguing, irritating, intelligent human that never hesitated to throw himself into danger if it meant saving someone else and who never meant any harm. This amazing, annoying, awkward human that still managed to make his heart beat faster and brain feel inadequate because he just couldn’t keep up. He had just wanted to protect him; from everything, but also from himself and he hadn’t even managed that.
“Stiles…” he breathed when he realized that he’d taken too long to answer and Stiles was already on his way towards the door.
“I’m sorry, Derek.” Stiles whispered and hurried out before Derek could process the fact that he was gone.
---
Only minutes after Stiles had arrived at his father’s house, where he was staying while searching for his own apartment, there was someone at the window of his old room. He knew it was Derek and contemplated not opening the window – no matter that Derek could get in anyway if he wanted, he respected Stiles enough not to force his way in. After debating with himself for a few moments he sighed, because there was no use; of course he would let Derek in. He would always let Derek in. He walked over, pushing the window open before turning around to shuffle over to his bed. He only made it a few paces before the werewolf was attached to his back, arms around his waist and face pressed into the side of his neck.
“December 24th.” Derek murmured into his skin.
“What?” Stiles forced back the shiver that threatened to spread over his body.
“My birthday is December 24th. My favorite color is blue and when I’m alone I work out, read and wonder what the rest of the pack are doing. And I miss you.” Derek had lifted his head, and was now bathing Stiles shoulder with warm breath. Stiles turned slowly, carefully making sure that Derek wouldn’t run away.
“You miss me?” Stiles asked, awestruck by the revelation.
“Always.”
“Why couldn’t you tell me that?”
“Because I didn’t think I deserved to.” Derek shrugged and Stiles opened his mouth to protest but Derek shook his head and gently put a finger to his lips. “No, just... Just let me get this out.” he pleaded and Stiles nodded lightly, a small smile curling over his lips. “I used to think I didn’t deserve anything good and that I was meant to be alone. I didn’t prepare for you, or what you made me feel and I will always think that you deserve more than what I can give you." He took a deep breath before continuing. "That’s why I never let you in. It’s why I never told you anything, because I figured that if I didn’t tell you, you wouldn’t want to know. But I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I should’ve known that if anyone could see past that, it would be you. And I’m sorry – you’re not convenient, I just can’t keep away from you." he leaned back a little, gaze traveling up Stiles torso to lock with his amber eyes. "I love you.” he whispered, watching the emotions play over Stiles face as he waited for the reactions.
“Your birthday is during Christmas?” was the first thing out of Stiles mouth, his hands quickly covering his mouth as shock registered at what he’d actually said. Derek just chuckled.
“Yes. And thanks to my mom," he smiled grimly at the memory, "I used to love it.” He admitted, a soft look spreading on his face. Stiles hands dropped onto Derek’s arms and he smiled in return.
“I love you too.” Stiles breathed, leaning in to kiss Derek. Derek cocked his head a little to easier fit their lips together when Stiles suddenly pulled back. “And we’re going to discuss this thing you have about feeling unworthy and undeserving later, I can’t believe that-“
And Derek kissed him. Because he could.