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Sonny has mentioned it before, to not wake him up, to just let it happen and he'd snap awake sooner or later. But as Rafael blinks sleepily in the darkened room, eyes adjusted enough to see his partner thrashing and moaning on the bed next to him fighting some invisible enemy, he can't stop himself from reacting. His heart aches to see Sonny like this, and he doesn't hesitate to reach out a firm hand and place it on his boyfriends chest where only minutes before Rafael had been resting his head, blissfully asleep, with Sonny's arm wrapped around his shoulders.
The touch, the one Rafael places firmly yet gently to rouse his lover from his nightmare, sets off the reaction.
A long arm lashes out and catches Rafael straight on in the face, forcing his head to snap back in a way that makes his neck pop. Before Rafael can register any pain, or become aware he can taste blood in his mouth from his lip or there is more blood running from his nose, there is a long drawn out moan of pure dismay and he is being en-crowded upon long fingers sweeping over his face and down his arms and back up again.
"I hit you, holy Christ, I hit you. Rafael I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Rafael, Jesus Christ I hit you, what have I done-" Sonny is outright blabbering, trembling so hard it's as though the blood inside of his body has been replaced with ice water.
"Sonny,"
"What have I done? I hit you, you're fucking bleeding!" Sonny continues babbling, emphasizing the blood point by sweeping a thumb over Rafael's lip. "I'm so sorry, what have I-"
"Sonny!" He says it with more force than intended, but Sonny needs to stop. Rafael can't take the sound of his cracking voice and self disgust at something entirely not his fault. He honestly doesn't have the words to make Sonny understand, but as they say actions speak louder, so Rafael just pulls his tall lanky lover down and toward him, into his chest and arms encircling the mans shoulders.
Sonny loses it then.
Rafael can more feel the wretched sobs than hear outright cries, it's simply harsh hitches of hot breath against his neck as Sonny tries to find air through his loss of composure. His fists are balled up in the back of Rafael's shirt, clenching and un-clenching as he violently breaks down, and Rafael can feel the material of his t shirt on his shoulder becoming damp with tears.
Rafael just holds him, pressing his face into Sonny's silvery blonde locks and begins to sway then gently side to side as they sit on their bed. He finds he is dangerously close to crying himself, but chokes back the lump in his throat forcefully, this is Sonny's time not his.
"I've got you amante, you're ok, estas bien. Safe." There mummers of comfort he is hardly aware of slipping past his lips, rubbing soothing circles into Sonny's back as they sit entwined together.
It takes a long time, but Rafael has expected this and doesn't have the slightest intention of moving regardless, even if it took days. But gradually Sonny relaxes into him, hands un-clenching and instead just resting against Rafael's back. Rafael is still continuing with his soothing movements against Sonny's back but has fallen quiet and in the darkness of the room the tension is lifting if ever so slightly.
"I can still feel the gun against my forehead. I hear the noise as he pulled back the hammer. It was so loud even with the screaming."
Rafael tries not to tense, well aware of the situation Sonny was referring to. The child trafficking ring infiltrated, a should have been by the books arrest turning into shouting and guns being pulled and a standoff with hostages. Sonny being the main detective on the case had kept him from being the one trying it, but he had seen the situation as it unfolded on the news. Rafael remembered the sinking feeling in his stomach as the hostages were mentioned, one a possible officer, then the call from Liv confirming it was in fact Sonny being held inside, Rafael had hardly made it to his wastebasket before emptying the contents of his stomach.
"It's over now. You're safe, you're here with me, I've got you." He hates how badly he wants Sonny to stop talking about this, hates himself for selfishly wanting to keep that memory under lock and key because Sonny was here, Sonny was safe, the gun held to his head hadn't gone off, Sonny was alive and breathing and-
"I didn't say I love you that morning." This catches Rafael off guard.
"What?" He asks a bit breathlessly, he hadn't realized he had stopped breathing.
Sonny shrugs a bit in his embrace. "That morning I was late remember? I was rushing out the door and I did kiss you but I didn't say I loved you." He pauses only briefly. "Of everything in that moment, feeling the metal against my head. I thought I'd think of a lot of things, my mom, dad, Bella, Gina. But all I can remember is that. This thought of 'I'm going to die, and I didn't tell him I loved him this morning."
Rafael can't help a tear fall at that and he squeezes his eyes shut and Sonny tighter against him.
They sit quietly again in the dark before Sonny is pulling away, begrudgingly let go by Rafael. Being without the light with their eyes open so long they can see each other more clearly and Rafael can see Sonny wince as he looks at him. Sonny reaches out a hand and gently caress the side of Rafael's face.
"Christ, I still can't believe I hit you." He says with such self contempt Rafael reaches up to grasp the hand on his face with a fierce grip.
"You were having a nightmare, don't you dare blame yourself." He pulls Sonny's hand away and kisses his palm. "I'm going to take a shower, you just lay back down and I'll be right back." He's sliding out of bed and pulling off his t shirt (well it's one of Sonny's but he had laid claim upon it) sadly realizing it was probably ruined with the blood now streaking the front. He walks around the bed and stands next to Sonny's side, the lanky man doesn't look up at him. "Do you want to come with me?" He asks quietly, reaching out to run a hand through Sonny's hair.
"I-" The man fidgets a bit, embarrassed. "I just don't want to be alone, that alright?"
Rafael shakes his head and offers a small smile. "Of course querido. Come on."
Sonny too slides out of bed and they stare across at each other for just a moment before Sonny is pulling him close, wrapping long limbs around Rafael's waist and pressing his face into his shorter lovers hair and breathing deeply. Rafael lets himself be pulled in and wraps his own arms around Sonny's neck, leaning his face against his chest and closing his eyes.
"You never have to worry about saying it, mi vida." Rafael says, brushing his fingers along the nape of Sonny's neck. "You tell me it everyday, with everything you do. So don't ever worry, and always know I love you too. With all my heart, mi alma es tuya."
He can feel the smile against his hair, Sonny tightening his hold on him, and Rafael smiles in return.
Life would never be simple, but together, he somehow felt they could manage through the dark.