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The sky looked the literal opposite of what he was feeling as if it was trying to mock him, so he glared at it. It still remained the same, the setting sun making it change into different colors.
Alastair sighed putting his hands into his coat pocket as he walked towards the hotel he was staying. After thinking a lot about it, well he didn’t have to think that much since it was very obvious, he realized that he was the stupidest Shadowhunter- no stupidest person to ever exist. Because what sane person would decide that the city of love was the place to be after a break up. What made him even think being here would make it better?
He really didn’t know how to make any good decisions, he thought as he walked. He had planned on staying another week here but maybe it was time to go back. He did miss his family even though he would never admit it to Cordelia.
He had woken up today finally deciding that this city wasn’t for him, especially at this time of his life. Seeing all the people here be so in love and happy really did nothing good to his mood.
He has always been jealous of the people who could flaunt their relationship out in the open when all he could do was hide behind closed doors. His heart ached, just as same as the day when everything ended with Charles, as he looked at the people around him. People said time could heal anything but here he was weeks later still feeling the same. The rational part in him that had some kind of dignity knew feeling like this was stupid especially for Charles but it was hard to forget the pain when that was all he could think of. And after being in this city Alastair realized that maybe love wasn’t for him.
He once read one of Cordelia’s books that were lying around where it talked about love. It said that- well it said a lot of things, most of them Alastair found stupid but one thing that caught his attention was the part that said that love wasn’t for all. And that if you were lucky enough to experience love once you should be grateful because the probability of it happening again is rare, especially if it is a love that is greater than the first. His sister hated that book saying the author didn’t know anything about love and just liked to ruin things that are beautiful. But he understood it after everything with Charles and he realized that love wasn’t so great after all. All it did was cause pain and ruin things. Nothing good come out of it.
While he was walking he saw that famous bookshop Cordelia talked about and thought of getting something for her. Better to get it now itself because he’s pretty sure he’ll forget tomorrow.
The shop was crowded with people in every part of the place hunched and looking at the books. He walked around admiring the place, it was impressive for something mundane made. He went towards the poetry section knowing his sister loved that type of books. It was when Alastair was looking around that he saw him. Thomas Lightwood. Or someone who looks like Thomas Lightwood if he was really tall. So that can’t be him. Then the not Thomas Lightwood looked at him and waved. He actually waved. No one would be stupid enough to actually wave at Alastair Carstairs except someone stupid as Thomas Lightwood. So it must be him.
Before he knew it he felt himself walk towards him pushing past people as he took in Thomas. He was even taller than Alastair and his shoulders where broad and his hands looking all long and strong. He realized he was staring when he reached Thomas so he said without thinking, “By the Angel Lightwood you’ve become gigantic”
He realized how stupid he sounded when he saw Thomas raise his eyebrows. He didn’t know how to backtrack and make it normal so he went on saying how Thomas probably grew tall as revenge after all the times Alastair made fun of him.
“What are you doing in Paris?”, Thomas asked interrupting him which he was glad, he didn’t know what other stupid thing he would say if he was allowed to continue.
“What are you doing in Paris?”, he countered trying to sound superior and hide the fact that Thomas’s presence affected him.
“I’m on holiday from my travel year in Spain”
He nodded. Out of all idiots in Thomas’s group he was the only one who actually cared about his studies. Well before they got expelled. “Isn’t that like taking a vacation from a vacation?”, he asked as a joke. Since most people would consider going to Spain as a vacation.
“Yeah I “, Thomas said starting to agree with him but then said” No it isn’t. Travel year doesn’t mean you’re on vacation no matter where it is. Why do you have to snipe at everything I say?” He glared at Alastair.
Alastair was startled. He didn’t mean it like that, he just meant it as a joke but he could understand why Thomas would think like that because when has Alastair ever joked with him. He has only treated Thomas like a joke.
“I’m sorry”, he said and made sure he sounded like it. “I didn’t mean it like that” Then to try and change the conversation he asked him, “I’m going to the Louvre after this do you want to come?” He was not going nor did he plan on going to the Louvre after this but he wasn’t going to admit it. He had already visited the place twice but he didn’t mind going again. Especially if Thomas agreed to go with him which was highly unlikely.
When Thomas agreed Alastair actually stopped and stared for a minute. He thought he heard wrong until Thomas started walking towards the exit. He took a few breaths to compose himself and followed the other boy.
He thought their walk to the Louvre would be awkward and silent, fortunately it wasn’t. Most of the conversation was about the library they exited, Thomas talking about the books he saw and gladly recommended books for Cordelia when Alastair asked, mentioning which ones were his favorites.
What most people or maybe everyone didn’t know about Alastair was that he loved paintings. Or any form of art for that matter. But most importantly drawings and paintings. Maybe because did not have that particular set of skill. But he knew even if he could paint he will never be able to be good especially as good as the ones in the Louvre. He may make fun of mundanes most of the time but he had to appreciate their talent.
The way they capture a particular scene or person in such a realistic way is beyond impressive, he mused as he stood in front of one, especially when they show the feeling and expression of the people as if they were alive. He didn’t know why but he let Thomas see this part of himself. Let him see all the vulnerability. He even told Thomas what he felt about the pictures that were hung. He thought Thomas would maybe joke about it or something. About how maybe Alastair Carstairs had human feelings after all. But all he did was smile at him and give his own ideas as they walked around taking their time to look at each one.
The surprising thing for him was that Thomas actually looked like he enjoyed what Alastair was saying and wanted to hear more. He couldn’t remember a time where Charles -or anyone really-actually wanted to hear him talk. Their conversations were always about Charles and the Clave.
He didn’t understand why but he hadn’t felt like this in a long long time. This sort of peace and calm. Of being able to be himself. Being able to say what he felt and not be ignored but be encouraged to say more. He pushed aside the feeling because he didn’t want to think about it and ruin this moment.
When it started getting dark they went to get dinner from a small shop around the corner. They ordered all the types of food which had weird names, which was almost everything. Alastair who knew French knew at least how to pronounce them while Thomas spent the whole dinner trying to get them right. He was so bad at it that Alastair couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. There was something so childlike and innocent about Thomas, Alastair thought as he watched the other boy laugh at himself. All Alastair wanted was to protect that innocence and hide it from anyone who would destroy it. Something he didn’t want to admit was that it was probably from Alastair himself that Thomas should be protected.
They left the place when they were told that it was time to close down making plans to meet the next day. Alastair hadn’t even felt the time go. When he and Thomas talked it felt like they were the only people in the whole world. The world could have ended and he would not have known. He couldn’t believe he was having such a great time with Thomas. The same one he used to make fun of when they were small. Oh how he deeply regretted it now. Maybe if he didn’t bully him then they could have been friends all these years and could have had a great time as they did now.
He woke up the next day feeling happy which hadn’t happened for some time after the break up with Charles. He took his time getting ready and styling his hair, he wanted to look good today. He arrived at the spot they had planned about twenty minutes after the arranged time wondering what he should do until Thomas arrives but to his shock he was already there. Alastair was so used to Charles always being late so he had taken his time. He forgot Thomas wasn’t like Charles at all.
He apologized immediately. Telling himself to forget the way he used to act with Charles. He could admit to himself that maybe he wasn’t the best person when he was with Charles.
He took Thomas to see a mundane film which he had watched a few days before. Even though he now knew all about the film it still baffled him that mundanes could make something like moving pictures. Since he had already watched it he took this time to watch Thomas. It pleased him to see that Thomas liked it too as he watched his hazel eyes widen in surprise as the film began, the way he smiled at a funny scene. When Alastair planned on this he wasn’t sure what his reaction would be but desperately wanted him to like it. Just because he himself liked it. Maybe that was stupid of him but he didn’t care.
When they stepped out of the theatre it was raining heavily the road already filled with piddles of water. Thomas groaned. “I left London to escape from the rain and it follows me here”
Alastair smiled. “Stop acting like the rain is going to hurt you. Besides- “, he said as he took his steele out and grabbed Thomas’s hand”- we’ve got runes. Unless you forgot about that”
He pushed Thomas’s coat sleeve up and drew a rune on him. He felt Thomas stiffen as he admired his work and he looked up. He hadn’t realized how close they stood, almost breathing the same air. Being this close Thomas towered over him. He looked all flushed as he watched Alastair. It was then that he realized that he was still holding Thomas’s hand and his fingers were tracing his veins.
He dropped it immediately and started drawing a rune on himself trying to act like nothing happened. He tried to ignore the way his heart was beating really fast and his face feeling all hot. Maybe Thomas had the same idea because he too didn’t say anything but just walked into the rain after Alastair was done.
Thomas talked about Madrid and all the new things he had learned in the Institute saying how different it was from the London one, the one he was used to. Alastair loved to watch him when he talked. The way his eyes lit up and the little hand movements he made when trying to explain something. He could watch Thomas talk the whole day and wouldn’t get bored.
And that’s how they spent the whole week. Together, doing everything a person could possibly do in Paris, from going on walks, visiting tourist sites, trying out new food in different restaurants and always always talking. He has always wondered how his sister could talk so much with her friend Lucie and never get fed up. Now he understood it, he understood it so well. When you finally find someone that understood you, someone who liked the things you did, someone who liked to hear you talk and wanted to know your opinion on things, you could talk with them forever.
There was something else that Alastair realized. The understanding coming slowly and gradually just like the feeling. The realization that he might be in love with Thomas Lightwood. Not might, he is. It took him some time to fully accept it especially after all the messed up feelings that remained after Charles and after all his thoughts about love and how it very much overrated.
But..but when he was with Thomas all those thoughts disappeared. All that was there was his heart feeling as if it was full of light. And he realized that maybe that book he read was wrong, maybe the author didn’t really understand love or maybe the author was heartbroken and never gave love another chance. Because love.. there’s actually no correct way to explain it and if you do try to explain it in the way you understand it would be totally different from the way another person thinks. And when you’re in love with someone you can’t correctly explain why you do just that you feel it in every inch of your body and you never want that feeling to end.
And as Alastair sat across Thomas in the café they decided to try out today, he thought to himself, he was in love he was happy and that’s all that mattered.