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It was an evening in Leblanc like the others. Akira was behind the counter, busying himself with the coffee grinder, trying to figure out the right settings to have the flavour burst in his customer's mouth without reducing the beans into a mere flavourless powder. It was a strenuous task, asking for his whole attention. It allowed him not to think too much of the boy on the other side of the counter, who lazily browsed through a well-filled notebook, nibbling at the end of his pencil from time to time to add a few words here or there while waiting for his order.
A perfectly casual evening at Leblanc like any, any others, except it was not, because Akira Kurusu had resolved himself to finally do something about his silly crush. Which, if he really were honest with himself, was neither silly, nor a mere crush, but that was how Morgana called it and he had taken to calling it this way too.
Once the beans were ground to perfection, he prepared the machine, and focused on pouring some water warmed at the right temperature, weighing the words he was going to use.
Goro Akechi was maybe one meter away from him, maybe less, his teeth still worrying the end of his pen—If Akira focused too much on the way his plump lips closed on the tip as he almost gnawed in frustration at whatever he was working on, the coffee he was preparing was sure to be ruined.
Which would, in turn, ruin what he would try to convey to the other boy.
Akira tried to focus, but as he caught his wrist shaking slightly, breaking the 8-shaped pattern he was using to slowly pour water on the ground beans, he found that it was harder and harder to avoid casting glances at the sweater-clad detective on the other side.
He took a deep breath.
"What's on your mind, Detective ?"
Akechi slowly looked up, seemingly surprised at directly being addressed to.
"Me? Oh. Just some bothering case. No need for concern."
"I'm more worried about your pen, if I'm being honest."
"Ah…"
Akechi threw a (sheepish? The expression suited him, Akira thought while trying not to blush) look at the nibbled end of his pen and nervously chuckled.
"That's… a bad habit. I grew up with a lot of ill-willed children and… well, at least if my pens were nibbled too badly, no one would try to steal them."
"I doubt this logic would still stand now, Akechi. I'm pretty sure a lot of your fangirls would be ready to pay a lot for a pen that has had your teeth on them."
Akechi glanced at his pen and frowned, his sheepish look all forgotten.
"Mh. I suppose you're right. Fans… I do have a lot of them, now. Maybe I should be more cautious. I wouldn't want my personal items to be stolen by someone who pretends to have a crush on me or something."
It was a good thing Akechi's eyes were still cast downwards, focusing on his pen instead of Akira, or he'd probably have caught the crestfallen look on his face.
The barista took another deep breath, trying to smoothly get the conversation back to where he meant to have it headed, all the while trying to remain subtle.
"I can think of a few people around who seem to have a crush on you, indeed."
Akechi raised an eyebrow.
"That's a good point. I shall pay more attention from now on…"
Akechi promptly pocketed his pen and notebook. Akira held out the cup of coffee he'd just finished preparing and placed it in front of the other boy.
"Thank you, Kurusu. Your insight is as valuable as ever."
"Ah, no, but…"
Alright. Maybe he'd been too subtle.
Maybe he could just push a little, make Akechi understand who he was referring to, it would only need a sentence… Akira deflated.
"...be careful. The coffee is hot."
"Of course, just the way I like it. Your skills at making coffee are almost as good as Sojiro-san's now. I'm impressed."
Akechi picked up the cup and this time, Akira couldn't not focus on the way his lips closed on the border of the cup, or the way his hair fell slightly back when he tilted his head, raising the cup, or the way the small gulp he took made his Adam's apple bobble slightly. Detailing Akechi's face lost in a blissful expression, his eyes closed, a small and appreciative humming coming from the depth of his throat, Akira screwed his eyes shut and promptly turned away from the scene.
Fuck.
He couldn't do it. Not now. He'd tried subtlety and it had sucked and he was not going to make a fool of himself.
When Sojiro came back from his grocery-buying, Akira jumped on the occasion, pretending to have some homework to do.
"Really, it's a shame. I really like talking to you, Kurusu."
"Ah, feeling's shared (don't look at me with these eyes please ), but… I really have a lot of work. Sorry."
Sojiro barely tried to hide his surprise—Akira usually never failed to enjoy any chance he had to spend time with the detective—but he didn't ask any questions.
Akira bid a quick farewell and almost ran up the stairs.
Coward, a voice—not unlike Arsene's—commented in his head.
It was hard to disprove it as he let himself fall on his bed with a heavy heart.
Not only was his resolution for tonight a complete failure, but he also found that, despite himself, he couldn't think of how big Akechi's fanbase was without feeling a bit sick at heart.
It's just his fans. He doesn't pay attention to his fans. You're different. You're his…
Barista
...friend. More than just a barista. He likes talking to you, he said. You can do it, Akira.
Yeah, and he will feel so betrayed, because he thought I was a friend and it will turn out I'm no better than his fans, with a silly crush on him.
Akira crushed his pillow over his face and repressed a scream. Fighting with the voice within his head was of no use.
He'd just have to do better.
Next time, he would.
Next time.
They were walking side by side in Inokashira Park, as they'd casually met—a real chance encounter, for once. Akira had just wanted to get a breath of fresh air away from his busy everyday life, and there he'd found the detective, sitting on a bench and staring at his notebook with a frown on his face and worrying a pen between his pretty little teeth…
Akira had shaken himself and almost made Akechi jump in surprise when he addressed him directly:
"Still with the pen, uh? I thought you'd be paying more attention."
So maybe he'd been still a bit bitter at their latest encounter. Alright.
Akechi had just laughed and pocketed his stuff. They'd had then decided to walk around for a while, in silence.
The park had a beautiful atmosphere. It made their walk so serene that Akira couldn't help stealing a glance to the way the light made Akechi's eyes and hair glow, or the way his hand fell gracefully along his body with each step he took.
Now. Now is as good a time as any.
He was about to open his mouth and try to string out a coherent confession, when Akechi spoke first.
"What's on your mind, Kurusu-kun?"
There went the whole speech he was trying to muster the courage to say, the whole "walking beside you is like walking beside a dream, you're so beautiful you seem out of this world" and other misplaced romantic metaphors.
Instead, Akira stuttered.
“I—uh, I think I really like talking to you. I...kinda like you, Detective.”
Akechi chuckled.
“Well, yes, I had gathered as much—I doubt you give free refills to all of your customers. Thank you, Kurusu."
Wow.
The ugly sting of rejection washed over Akira's whole body. The words bounced. Thank you. That was it? Maybe the voice from within his head was right—he was his barista and that was all.
But Akechi didn't stop here, of course, it would have been too easy to leave him wallowing in self pity.
"I'm really grateful for your company. All of our exchanges are incredibly fulfilling and despite disagreeing on some fairly obvious points, I find we seem to have a lot in common. Even our tastes seem to match."
Yeah, just twist the blade now, will you.
Akira tried to not let his bitter mood show on his face and they went on walking, crossing paths with a group of giggling girls. Once they were gone, Akira felt Akechi's thoughtful eyes on him, but didn't dare meet them, bitterness still well settled deep in his stomach.
"You must be rather popular with girls, Kurusu."
The unexpected remark had Akira almost walking in a tree.
"What? Where did that come from?"
"Didn't you notice? Most of these girls were casting glances at you while batting eyelashes."
"Are you sure they weren't eyeing you instead?"
Akechi chuckled.
"Oh no, trust me. If it had been me, we would have been stopped and I would have had to take pictures and sign autographs. It was definitely you they were looking at. Surely you've noticed that women are not indifferent to your charm."
Akira bit back another wave of bitterness at the reminder of Akechi's fans when he realised that the detective was 100% serious when he was talking about women and his charm.
His charm ?
"I, uh. I'm… not interested. I have a…"
Say it. A crush on you. Say it.
"Ah, of course you would have a girlfriend already."
And then it dawned on him that it was not only that Akechi was dense as hell.
It was also that he had forgotten that he wasn't out to Akechi.
And now he considered it, despite the feeling he got from the detective, he wasn't absolutely sure he swayed this way too.
Oh. Fuck.
Change of plans.
"No, no, I… well. No girlfriend at all, just… not interested. I have a busy schedule. You probably understand that, right? Everyone knows you're married to your work."
He forced a smile. Akechi smiled back, but Akira couldn't read if the grin was as tense as his own.
"Yet another thing we have in common, Kurusu. You're truly a man of surprises."
Akira hid his fist in his pocket and swallowed a swear.
Do we have more in common, detective?
I'd like to know more about you. Like, are you gay? Because I'm very gay for you.
When they reached the entrance of the park, Akira hadn't said a word of what was going through his mind, instead keeping on falling head over heels with the brightness in Akechi's smile, the way his gloved fingers twisted some strands of hair whenever he was thinking, and most of all, the way their conversations always seemed to flow effortlessly.
At least he could agree with the other—their exchanges were extremely fulfilling and he always craved for more.
When they parted ways at the metro station, the voice in his mind unhelpfully provided him with another Coward. Akira felt like banging his head against a wall because it wasn't as if he weren't trying at all, right. He was trying, he just had the worst luck and a bad case of very-oblivious-and-maybe-not-gay-who-could-be-sure detective on his hands.
He took a deep breath and boarded the metro.
Next time. There will be a next time. I just have to investigate better.
Next time came sooner than he expected, as he came back from hanging out with Ryuji one evening.
"A romance novel, Detective? Didn't take you for the sort."
Akechi jumped and instantly put the book back on the table of the booth he was sitting in.
"No need to rush and hide the cover, you know, now that I've seen it."
Akechi let out a nervous chuckle.
"Yes, well… I have to stay up to date with the latest releases, you wouldn't believe how many questions in my interviews revolve around these."
Akira nodded.
"You do seem to get an awful lot of questions about your type of romance."
Akechi raised an eyebrow.
"Do I have to infer that you follow my interviews, Kurusu?"
And oh, please, don't do this to me. Not with this expression, not with this playful tone, not when you still don't know a thing and I'm still trying to figure out whether you swing this way or not.
Akira embarrassedly waved to the TV beside the counter.
"You wouldn't believe how often we get to hear you on this. At this rate you'd have become a regular even without being here in person three times a week."
The detective tried to maintain a pleasant appearance, but Akira managed to make out the scowl beneath it.
"It's not like I have much of a choice."
You're upsetting him. Quick. Change topics. Say you love him for example. Quick change of mood.
Bad idea.
Then DO SOMETHING!
"So, Detective, what is your type of romance, then? Is it…"
Akira slightly raised the book to check the description on the back of the cover.
"...uh, getting swept off your feet by a beautiful, sparkling she-vampire ?"
Akechi sighed.
"Well, I do like the moment when they're trading jabs at each other, before she uses her power to summon a cup of…"
"...wait. Akechi, are you using me to rehearse your interviews now?"
The other boy dejectedly shrugged.
"You seemed familiar enough with the interviews, so there's no harm, right?"
Wait no, there is harm! I want to know what your idea of romance is! Tell me!
"And at least you get to laugh at me the way you like to do everytime we talk about my popularity."
"No, I don't…"
Wait. You do.
Despite himself, Akira had turned his bitterness to sarcasm everytime they mentioned the girls surrounding Akechi.
Oops.
"Ok, well, it is a little fun sometimes, but I am still curious. I really like talking to you, you know. As for the topic at hand, I feel like, for me, hm… I'm sure the vampires would have to…"
What could he say to get Akechi to open up now?
He really wanted the answer to this romance question.
"...maybe the vampires would have tiny quirks I can notice? Like uh… something that makes me notice their teeth or… I'm terrible at it, aren't I?"
Akechi let out a nervous chuckle.
"You are, but thank you for trying. The vampires wouldn't stand a chance with me anyway."
"Oh? Not into the fangs and blood-sucking thing ?"
Akira allowed himself to raise a playful eyebrow. So close. Tell me what your idea of romance is. Tell me.
His face fell when he met the detective's frustrated face instead, clearly not receptive to his playful attempts.
"No, what I meant is… the she-vampire… well, a he-vampire maybe would… you know what, forget it. It's late."
Akira's heart skipped a beat.
Is he saying that...
Before he could ask, Akechi gathered his book in his suitcase and raised to his feet, heading for the door.
No wait, it's fine, oh my god, it's so fine. I'm gay too. I'm so gay for you oh my god. Don't go please don't go not now dontgodontgodontgo
But Akira's lips remained sealed as his eyes followed Akechi's motions through the cafe despite himself.
"Thank you for the coffee, Sakura-san. Talk to you later, Kurusu. Have a pleasant evening."
The doorbell jingled after his departure (he didn't even glance back at me) and Akira let out a loud sigh, cursing his mouth for failing him now.
Coward.
Behind the counter, Sojiro nodded towards the closed door, then turned to Akira, a questioning look on his face.
"That was quite the desperate look in your eyes, kid. Do you intend to tell him something or…"
Akira groaned.
"Not you too."
He let his head fall on the table and whined.
Next. Time.
But next time turned out to be a lot of time later.
More precisely, it turned out to be disappear-and-kill-a-god-and-come-back later.
Goro Akechi was the last person Akira expected to see entering the cafe. Not after all this. Not after his disappearance and people slowly forgetting about him.
Akira's voice shook a little when he saluted him. Akechi nodded and sat on his usual stool.
"The usual?"
"Please."
The silence remained between them, strained, awful. Akira tried to grasp anything that could help assuage the painful awkwardness that was settling comfortably between them.
He put on his best playful smile.
"You know, you never got to tell me your idea of romance in the end."
"What the hell, Kurusu?!"
Okay, maybe that was a wrong move.
"You don't have to play buddy-buddy with me anymore, what's with the sudden chit-chat now? Is it really of any importance after all this? You don't even know why I'm here, I could be aiming at killing you for all you know. Is everything really only a game for you?"
Akira winced.
Definitely a wrong move. Salvage this. Salvage this now.
"I—It's not a game, I just… I know you won't kill me. You have no reason to, not anymore. And I really liked talking to you and I just want to know more about you… more about...Goro Akechi, not the interviewed detective, but about the boy who tried to give his own life to save me and my friends. And… well. I needed to start somewhere. I'm sorry, I just..."
Akechi's self-deprecating laugh cut his rambling short.
"Ah, yes, I remember now—it was the last conversation we had before this whole mess, wasn't it? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my idea of romance really does not include vampires."
The former detective lowered his eyes on the coffee Akira just served him and went on, barely louder than a mumble.
"Frankly, my idea of romance is so hopeless I'd probably scream at the face of the poor sap who'd fall in love with me."
Then scream at me, Akira's mind helpfully provided.
Come on, say it.
Akira took a deep breath.
After all this, he was done with next-times.
Now or never.
"Then scream at me."
Akechi's eyes widened at his sudden, solemn tone. Akira wasn't even sure he'd registered the words themselves but what the hell, he'd say them again if needed.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said then scream at me. Or we can scream together, if it makes you more comfortable. I have a feeling we have a lot of things to get out of our chests. Screaming might be good. So go ahead, please. I'm ready."
Akechi frowned, a dangerous glint in his eyes.
"Are you out of your mind? I swear, Kurusu if you're making fun of me a——"
"Akira."
"I—what?"
"Call me Akira. And I'll call you Goro, because we've damn well deserved to use each other's first names by now. So please, Goro, don't freak out but listen carefully. I'll say it again and I'm ready for you to scream."
Akira lowered his voice and put his arms on the counter, coming eye-level with Goro to meet his gaze.
You're here now. No going back. Don't falter. Breathe.
"I am gay and I have feelings for you."
“...what?”
It was like Goro was shrinking on his stool, his voice lowered to a mere whisper, so little and so frail. Akira mustered all his courage to go head-first once again.
“I've been trying to confess for a very long time but you never took it as it was and I was a coward. Not anymore, we've gone too far to keep beating around the bush. Goro Akechi, I love you, for fuck's sake."
Watching Goro's face was like witnessing someone going through all stages of grief at once. His eyes widened then narrowed, his mouth opened and closed and smiled but pouted, while his eyebrows went up, then furrowed, then up again.
Then the former detective's entire face fell and he let out a small, long-suffering whine, that turned into a wail growing in intensity.
One minute, Akira thought Goro had lost it.
Then he remembered he'd just given the other an opening to scream.
So he let him scream.
“How DARE YOU, you, you… you TRASH! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!”
Akira tried to keep an even breathing to counterbalance the explosion.
He knew it would come the moment the words had left his lips, but he would have liked a minute more of preparation. Or an hour. Or maybe a decade.
Don't be a coward now.
"HOW DARE YOU LOVE SOMEONE LIKE ME? HOW DARE YOU SAY IT LIKE THIS?"
Goro jumped on his feet, his motion making his chair meet the floor in a loud clunk. For a short moment, Akira thought the former detective would storm out of Leblanc, but he just started pacing the small alley between the booths, alternating between mumbles and wails.
"THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS MEANT TO HAPPEN thiswasnotmeanttohappenatall YOU CAN'T SAY IT LIKE THAT youshouldhavehadyourdazzlingsmileandyourfierceeyes WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME howthefuckhaveyoubeentryingtoconfessforalongtime THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN THIS WAY!"
Out of breath, Goro let himself fall on the seat of a booth and let out a huge sigh, his head falling in his arms crossed on the table
"...notthiswaynotever…"
A little lost, Akira tentatively held out his hand to put it on Goro’s.
He wanted to be soothing, but if he were to be honest, he was a bundle of nerves and sap at the moment.
Go ahead, speak up, you've not gotten this far to cower down now.
"Was that cathartic? That sounded like it was. Should I let out a cathartic scream of love too?"
Goro let out a small whimper when Akira grabbed his hand, but still raised his head and their eyes tentatively met.
"If you feel like it's easier… maybe we can scream together? I can… uh… like yell at you for never getting it and making me run away, or...”
Goro's eyes narrowed.
"Stop racking your mind for things to scream. That won't be necessary."
A dark, dangerous fire lit up deep within the former detective's eyes, captivating Akira who repressed a shudder, suddenly feeling like a prey before a predator.
Goro's teeth glinted with his grin.
"After all this time letting me think you were straight just to dump this all on me now, I am going to give you my name to scream alright, Akira Kurusu."
Akira audibly gulped, but did not remove his hand, not even when Goro suddenly pulled to grab him by the neck and smashed their lips together.
When Goro's pen-nibbling teeth caught his lips, it was Akira's turn to whimper.
Deep within Akira's mind, a voice not entirely unlike Arsene's sighed.
Fucking finally.
