Chapter Text
His days became aimless, silent.
The shared laughs in the dark and stolen kisses all slowly fade into white noise in the back of his mind. He wonders if he’ll eventually lose all memories of their time, the same way he lost him.
Yamanbagiri doesn’t care to know how much time had passed when he finally stepped out of his room, only that the sunlight seeping into his bones feels like it’s burning him. He stares down at the ground, not wanting to acknowledge the poorly hidden shocked stares or the almost-hesitant calls of his name. It all feels as if he’s far away, still in the field where he left the better part of him.
He wanders around the citadel, his footsteps quiet and his stare unfocused. He tries to remember what it was like to feel fully in control of his body, instead he’s left with half-thought ideas and the same far-away feeling. Somehow, he finds himself in a quiet corner of the citadel’s gardens.
The once prospering rows of flowers are still re-growing after being trampled during the attacks of their home. He tries to not disturb the delicate unbloomed flowers, he wonders if he’ll be able to once more grow too.
He realizes that it’s grown late when he feels a weight on his shoulder, the idea of interaction no longer feeling comforting as it might have once. He blinks, trying to piece himself together enough to look up and acknowledge the company. The suffocating feeling in his chest still makes him feel far away from the citadel. He’s not sure how long the other waits for him to look up, yet wonders why they would waste their time waiting for someone like him.
When he finally looks up, he opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out. He’s met with white clothing that feels blinding even in the darkening evening, Tsurumaru moves his hand back and instead gently places a small bag on his lap. He narrows his eyes at the light weight on his lap, he doesn’t remember sitting down.
“-It’s food,” Tsurumaru finally says, bringing the attention back to him, his voice is calmer and quieter than Yamanbagiri remembers it being. Hevaguely wonders the extent that everything affected him too; does he also feel as if he’s lost something integral to himself? Is it selfish of him to wallow in pity while everyone else worked on rebuilding what was lost? “You should eat something, no one has seen you in weeks...,” he trails off as if he’s waiting for a reaction from him. At most, Yamanbagiri manages to nod as he continues to stare at the bag, his mind easily falling back into his tangent of guilt.
He doesn’t know what to respond, or if he deserves to respond. They both stay there in heavy silence, yet it’s not uncomfortable. It’s not until the sun fully sets that Tsurumaru begins to step away, a solemn look gracing his face as he tries to once more make eye contact with him, “It’s okay to feel guilty about what happened. Yet, try to remember it wasn’t your fault.”
The words push him back into reality and he looks up, yet by then Tsurumaru had walked far enough to no longer be within earshot. Instead he stares up at the night sky, he searches for the moon but doesn’t find it. The night is cloudy, he thinks that it’s been cloudy ever since. He almost laughs at the bitter reality, yet he knows that he doesn’t deserve to give himself pity. Why shouldn’t he blame himself, he wasn’t strong enough to help Mikazuki and he’s not strong enough to help anyone now.
He decides against touching the food, the acknowledgement of his guilt feeling like a heavy weight in his gut. Why waste resources on someone like him? It’s unlikely Aruji will ask him to go to battle anytime soon, if he’s lucky he’ll be dismantled and sold for scrap. It’s surprising that he hadn’t been already, what use does he have now?
He wonders if it would be shameful to pray to a god for a wish. He does not have the religious influence that his brother or other Touken Danshi had, he worries that he might do something wrong again.
Swallowing what little pride he has left, he closes his eyes and wishes for a better future, somewhere where he didn’t hurt those around him and didn’t lose Mikazuki.
When he opened his eyes he was still in the darkness of the garden, the bitter feeling of embarrassment following him as he fell asleep.
--
When he wakes up he finds himself in the dark, he tries to sit up but something- no, someone pulls him back to what he quickly established to be a bed. There’s a familiar whine and mumble to go back to bed, Yamanbagiri’s breath hitches. There’s no way. Yet the weight against him feels painfully familiar.
Slowly, he turns his head and tries to not wake up the other next to him. He doesn’t know if he wants to scream or cry when he sees the way Mikazuki’s hair shines with the first rays of sunrise. It’s a hauntingly beautiful sight.
He chews on the inside of his cheek as he tries to hold back on asking any questions, instead he tries to focus on how calm Mikazuki’s sleeping face looks. He wonders if this version of him is freed from the weight of his sins. As the warmth of his embrace begins to lull Yamanbagiri back to sleep, he wonders if he’s been given a second opportunity to finally be at peace.
When he wakes up to Mikazuki’s kisses on his neck, each soft kiss leaves him feeling as if he’s being slowly lit on fire. The comfort of each soft peck makes him swallow back a soft moan, yet he knows that’s slowly being stripped of the emotional barrier he built. He closes his eyes and leans his head to the side, letting himself indulge in the moment he thought that he had lost. If this is a dream, why not fall into the sin of being greedy for once?
It’s when Mikazuki laughs that he decides to open his eyes again, he feels overwhelmed to see his eyes full of life and love once more directed towards him. As Mikazuki leans in, he decides to bury his face in his neck and hug him tightly. The overwhelming feeling building up in his chest becomes too much for him as he begins to gently dig his nails into Mikazuki’s back, he tries to blink away the tears that are threatening to fall. “It’s okay to rest now, Yamanbagiri,” Mikazuki whispers to him. “You’ve done so well.”
He wonders if it would be okay to indulge for once.