Chapter Text
Scrosciare: The action of rain pouring down or of waves hitting rock cliffs
I found this prompt list on Tumblr posted by @shannaraisles if you'd like to check it out. I really don't know what I'm doing but I have fun thinking about Paulkins so here you go.
TW// Panic Attacks
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"Emma, you're late. Again." Nora stated, as if she was already bored of reprimanding her.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry, I was up all night studying for this damn test and I barely got any sleep." Emma replied looking up to find the lack of her boss who had already walked away from her, going to stock up the coffee cup lids.
Emma sighed, a little put out that Nora wouldn't listen to her but then relieved of the fact that Nora couldn't berate her if she had already moved away. She trudged over to the break room, setting her backpack down and tying her apron round her waist. She made it out behind the counter just as the first customer of the day walked in. Emma plastered on her best fake smile and moved to serve the customer.
"Hi, how can I-"
"Uh, I'll get a hot chocolate and a blueberry muffin." The woman interrupted her quickly, as if she might implode if *god forbid* she didn't get her breakfast right this very second. Emma tried her best to ignore the tone of the woman and the fact that she was tapping incessantly on the counter with her fingernails.
"Sure thing that'll be 6.10" Emma replied with a twinge of annoyance, her happy facade faltering much quicker than she would have hoped.
Emma managed to serve the woman without biting her head off but the day only got worse from there. Nora had been on her case the entire shift about correct customer service and being lazy whilst working. The threats of being fired were thrown at Emma left, right and centre but she really couldn't care less. This shitty job was going to kill her. The only saving grace she could think of was if Paul came over in his break and could sit at the counter for a while and stop her from going absolutely insane. When he didn't show up for his regular 10:30 coffee break Emma felt like she was going to explode.
There were no people waiting to be served so Emma moved quickly to the break room, picking up her phone and slotting it into her apron before returning to the counter. She looked over at Nora who was cleaning down a table, she hadn't seen her grab her phone which was a relief. Emma reckoned she'd snap at her if she so much as leaned on the side of the counter, let alone be found on her phone.
Nora was distracted and no one was coming in so she took out the phone and went to text Paul.
"Hey, why so late for ur coffee break? I might hit someone soon if you don't get here."
Emma sent the text quickly before slotting it back into her apron pocket and making herself look busy. The phone buzzed a few minutes later, she glanced over at Nora, turned her back and pulled out her phone.
"Sorry, Em. We're swamped today, I don't have time for a break if I ever wanna leave this place tonight. I'll call you after your closing shift? Try not to kill anyone."
Emma sighed heavily, not even Paul could get her through this god awful day. She typed back a response and then put her phone away just as a new customer walked in.
"Okay. Talk later x"
Emma's shift dragged on for what felt like an eternity with no one to talk to - only herself and Nora were working, with Zoey arriving after Emma had already finished her first shift of the day. She then had 2 hours of classes at the community college before she was back at Beanie's for the closing shift. God she hated Wednesdays, double shifts and classes that weren't taught by Hidgens was a combination she dreaded every week. She was going to snap soon enough, she could feel it.
Emma's second shift was slow, not many people bothering to stop by to get shitty coffee on an overcast winters day. She was certainly more tired than she had been in the morning, but without Nora there she felt slightly more at ease. Zoey could be harsh, sure, but she was less bothered on how productively Emma spent her time if there weren't customers waiting to be served. It was nearing the end of the shift when Emma heard a customer approach the counter.
"Hi, how can I help you?" She reeled off, not looking up from where she was wiping down the surface.
"Americano to go please" Emma looked up, shocked by the face of her brother-in-law opposite hers.
"Oh Hi Tom..." She started, "I'll get right on that for you" Emma gave a weak smile but was clearly shaken by seeing him. She assumed that Tom didn't remember she worked here, it's not like they were on good terms with each other.
"How's Tim?" She asked awkwardly, looking over her shoulder for a second to glance back at him whilst she made his order.
"Well you didn't care for the first 9 years of his life, so why the hell do you care now" Tom mumbled under his breath in a deep tone. He'd assumed that she hadn't heard, the coffee shop was loud and she was quite a distance from him now but she'd heard every word. Before she could react Tom spoke up again, louder this time.
"He's alright" He said plainly. Emma kept her back turned but nodded to show some sort of response. Underneath she tried hard to hold herself together. She turned round handing him the coffee not daring to meet his eyes. On the counter the exact change for the coffee was splayed about, put down carelessly by the large man. He took the coffee and left, not saying another word.
Emma scooped up the change, her hands shaking slightly. She put the money into the register and turned sharply rushing into the back room.
"Hey, where are you going?" Zoey shouted across at her from the other side of Beanie's.
Emma hadn't heard and Zoey went after her, pissed that Emma had just decided to have a break without telling her. She walked in to find Emma sat on a chair, her hands balled up into tight fists and her head low - her body shaking. Zoey quickly realised that her original tone was uncalled for, she was a firm boss but a decent enough friend when it came down to it.
"Are you okay?" Zoey asked quietly still not able to see Emma's face.
"Yup, yup I'm fine just give me a minute and then I'll be back out there." Emma insisted, wiping her face harshly as if she was angry with herself that she was crying.
"No, no, you're clearly upset. You can go home if you want. I'll close up by myself. The shifts almost over anyway." Zoey said softly albeit looking rather uncomfortable with the situation. She had never really seen Emma crying before, pissed off and moody - hell yes - but never just plain sad. It freaked her out a little to be honest but she tried her best not to let it show too much, for Emma's sake.
"Thanks Zoey, I owe you one." Emma responded, moving to take off her apron and grab her backpack still wiping away at her face in an attempt to make the tears stop.
Emma left Beanie's hurriedly, walking over the road and clambering into her car.
"No, we're not fucking doing this today." Emma whispered harshly to herself whilst gripping the steering wheel until her knuckles turned white. She took a deep breath in and swiped the back of her arm across her face for the final time. The entire drive she felt on edge, becoming way too anxious every time a car drove within 3 metres of her own. Thoughts of Jane ran rampant through her brain and though she struggled to concentrate she managed to get home soon enough.
Emma limped up to the door, her bad leg sending a shock of pain through her body. Once inside she dumped her bag on the ground and made her way to the small kitchen. She grabbed her pain meds and filled up a glass of water quickly swallowing the tablets with a gulp. Emma refilled the glass and moved to the living room. She set the water down and lied flat on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling.
She probably should have made an attempt at cooking dinner but she really didn't care at this point. Her face wore a vacant expression and her eyes leaked - causing sorrowful tears to dribble out. Seeing Tom was not something she had planned on and his comment about her being a shitty aunt stung. Not because it was harsh but because it was true.
Emma had a lot of regrets, nearly all of them regarding her sister. It pained her immensely knowing that Jane had died instead of herself. She'd switch it in an heartbeat. But she couldn't. So she lived full with grief and guilt and a fuck-ton of self-deprecation every time she was reminded that she was a bad person. Which happened to be any time she thought of Tom and Tim, any time she got less than 80% on a test, any time Nora shouted at her, any time she heard from her parents and any time she remembered Jane.
Her sister was dead. Her sister with a house and a job and a husband and a child had died instead of the drop-out who ran off and never cared enough about the one person who was half decent in her life. God she hated herself sometimes. Tom certainly hated her for her absence over the years. Her parents certainly hated her for just existing.
Emma was now annoyed with the puddle of tears that lay beside her face itching her skin. She sat up and scratched her red cheeks. With a shaky hand she finished off the water she'd set aside and moved to the kitchen. As Emma went to place her glass in the sink it slipped out of her hands and shattered against the basin with a loud and shocking noise.
"Fuck off." Emma spat under her breath. She'd had enough. She had to get out of the house. She wanted to get out of Hachetfield really but she'd already stormed out of the house when she realised that she had only grabbed her house keys and her phone when she left, her car keys still in her apartment.
Instead Emma walked fast and heavy, almost as if she was stomping at the Earth beneath her feet. She wasn't really going anywhere specific, just trying to get away. Her pain meds had worked to an extent, the sharp waves of pain were gone but a dull ache still ran through her thigh. She supposed the stomping really didn't help. Emma walked for a little while longer until she found herself near one of Hachetfield's beaches.
She half limped/ half staggered over to the knee high rock wall that stood tall above the beach which lay 10 feet below. She sank down to the wall and turned so her legs were dangling off the wall, facing the water. The chill of the night had fully set in now, with the wind rippling over the ocean and the frozen stone wall turning her skin cold. Emma hadn't realised in her hurry to get away from her apartment that it had started raining lightly.
Emma usually liked the rain, so long as she wasn't stuck out in it for too long. But she wasn't exactly in the mood to get back up and walk home now that her leg had started to hurt again. So she sat blank faced, staring off into the dark water. The rain gradually got heavier and heavier until there was an overwhelming soundscape of water crashing down against every surface.
She liked how the noise drowned out her thoughts. It was a distraction from Jane.
Emma sat there for what felt like forever, allowing herself to be bullied by the weather. Leaving her skin raw and stinging. Her eyes were puffy and sore and her hands felt numb in her lap, she hadn't moved them since she sat down, she doubted she actually could. Negative thoughts danced around her mind as well as memories of Jane that filled her up with an immense sorrow. She wasn't as angry with herself anymore. Now it just felt like grief.
The wind whistled through her ears almost deafening her. She suddenly snapped out of her trance when she felt a vibration from her pocket. Her phone was ringing.
Her hand: stiff, cold and riddled with pain, reached slowly into her pocket and she managed to move her fingers enough to pick it up. Her fingers were still wet from the rain so she wiped them down on her top, but it wasn't very successful. After a few swipes she managed to answer the phone and hold it up to her ear.
"Hey Em, sorry I couldn't come to Beanie's today, are you alright?" Paul spoke into the phone quickly, feeling the need to apologise for not seeing her. Emma was still choked up and struggled to vocalise anything.
"Are you outside? It's chucking it down. Where are you?" Paul sounded concerned and confused.
"Beach, near the park." Emma responded quietly, were voice cracking in the process.
"Okay, I'm gonna come get you okay?" Paul's tone was riddled with worry. He really wasn't sure why she was out on the beach in this weather. Something had to have been wrong.
"mkay." Emma said softly. She became aware of just how cold and soaked through she was. Her bad leg began throbbing and she suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotions yet again. Tears were racing down her face and she let out a small hiccup.
"Okay Em, I'm coming now." Paul hung up the phone and Emma began shaking violently. It felt like hours until Paul arrived, rushing over from his parked car and crouching down next to her.
"Emma, we need to get you inside okay. Can you stand up?" Paul asked. Emma was still shaking but turned slowly to face him, managing to swing her legs back over to the side nearest the road. Paul could tell she was struggling to stand up, so he helped her by scooping an arm around her side and lifting her gently. He led her over to the car and opened the door for her. She fell into the passengers seat and Paul closed the car door gently behind her. He hurried over to his side of the car and slipped in.
The keys turned into the ignition and the engine started up. Paul immediately cranked up the heating and pointed all of the hot air towards Emma, hoping it might help her warm up. Emma's neck was pointed downwards staring at her fidgeting hands. Paul began to drive before he spoke up.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Paul asked gently, very aware that if he pushed too far it would only make Emma freak out more. He wasn't foreign to panic attacks in the slightest and whilst he wasn't sure what was happening he was certain that something was very wrong.
Emma shook her head, still glaring downwards not daring to look up at him. She hated feeling vulnerable. It made her feel weak and stupid. The other thing of course was that she hadn't talked a lot about Jane with him. He knew the basics and that was all he needed to know for now. Delving into the ins and outs of her trauma was not something she was particularly looking forward to. She supposed it might have to happen eventually, but certainly not for a long while.
"Okay." Paul replied simply, not wanting to make her feel anymore uncomfortable than she clearly was. She wouldn't appreciate a conversation right now, so he stopped talking altogether. He was driving in the direction of her apartment, thinking that she'd rather have the option to decide whether or not she wanted him to stay with her tonight.
"I don't want to go back to mine." Emma stated quietly. Paul was surprised to hear her speak but nodded along.
"Okay, that's fine. I can take you back to mine if you like." Paul answered. She gave no reply so he assumed that that was what she wanted to do. The diove only took a few more minutes and then they had arrived at his door. Paul helped Emma inside before sitting her down to take off her shoes.
He then picked her up bridal style and carried her up the stairs. He placed her gently on the foot of his bed and began to unpeel the sopping wet clothes from her body. She helped him as best she could but she her hands were still numb and shaky. Once she was out of the wet clothes her pulled one his shirts over her head and pulled a pair of his pyjama bottoms on her legs. The pyjamas swamped her small frame but she looked grateful for the warmth.
Emma was thankful for Paul greatly in that moment. Who knows how long she would have stayed out there otherwise. She was grateful that he didn't ask questions. She didn't want to talk about Jane tonight. Paul was gentle and kind. She appreciated that.
Paul placed his hands on her shoulders and sat her down on the middle of the bed. Paul disappeared behind her for a second before grabbing something and sitting on the bed behind her. He gently undid the messy bun from her matted hair and began brushing it carefully.
Emma felt like she would cry again - overwhelmed by what he was doing. She probably would have just left it up, not having the energy to sort it out. Paul brushed through all of her hair until no more knots remained and he settled the brush down on the bed. Then he held her hair gently and split it into three parts before plaiting it into a simple braid.
She wasn't quite sure what was going on until he finished tying the end of the plait and she reached behind her head to feel it. Emma turned around with a soft expression in her eyes, touched by his consideration.
"You really didn't have to do that." Emma whispered, her eyes locking into his.
"I wanted to." Paul replied simply with a small smile.
"How did you learn to plait hair?" Emma asked, eager for something to talk about other than herself.
"Well, I used to babysit Alice a lot when Bill had court hearings with his ex-wife. Bill always used to plait her hair and so she asked me to do it when I was watching her. I didn't know how but I learned soon enough through videos and tips from Bill. I haven't done her hair in years though." Paul finished quietly. Silence ensued for a while as he stared at her face.
"I don't want to talk about tonight." Emma uttered, shifting her gaze downwards.
"Okay." Paul responded.
"And I really don't know when I will."
"Okay." Paul was okay with it, he was concerned for her of course, he ached to know what had caused her so much pain but now she was safe he was satisfied enough. She didn't have to tell him anything.
Emma sniffled loudly and began wiping at her face, turning her head away from Paul.
"It's okay Em." He reassured her. Paul pulled Emma into his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around her as she sunk into his chest sobbing. Paul kept one hand on her back pressing her to him and the other lifted to her hair to gently stroke it. The cries were shaky and breathless but soon enough she calmed down in his embrace. She looked up at Paul, her eyes tired from crying. They held each others gaze for a second before Paul craned his neck down to kiss Emma's forehead.
"Let's go to sleep." Paul mumbled softly. Emma nodded and they moved to lay down under the covers. Emma rested her head on Paul's chest and he wrapped his arms around her again pulling her flush to him. She felt warmer now and her breathing was calm. Paul stayed awake long enough to make sure that she was sleeping okay before shutting his own eyes.