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When Allen came to Starship, he had expected a few days, maybe weeks to feel at home. After all, back in JYP, it had been hard, even though Bang Chan and the others helped him with his korean and understanding the implicit rules he now had to live with. But after the time he spent with them, he was fluent (at least fluent enough ), knew how not to be rude by accident, and had the confidence and talent needed to feel legitimate around those that, if everything was going according to plan, were going to be his bandmates and debut with him. So, surely, things would even out soon enough and it would feel once again as comfortable as he was then.
And, yeah, he saw the relief in their eyes when he talked korean after they clumsily tried to communicate with bits of broken english. He now owned the practice room, helping everyone to get their moves down and monitoring their whole performance. They smiled at him, always let him participate, were overall friendly.
And yet.
Allen knew what rejection looked like. Even if he had never experienced it, he saw things. The bitterness against those added last minute, those that made the cut because of looks, those that simply didn't mesh well with the rest. Everyone that watched No.Mercy and what happened to their sunbae I.M knew that Starship wasn't magically exempt from that. But it wasn't what was happening. There was no animosity, nobody hated him. So why did he feel like an outsider ?
Alone in the practice room, the coolness of the mirror couldn't manage to cool off his back after he tried to forget his worries with training. He tried putting his chilly bottle against his neck instead of just playing with it, the shock not enough to distract him again. Everyone was so… cordial. When they were all together, they talked to him like everyone else, but when he was alone, nobody came specifically for him. He had no one to go to either. He was included, but when he asked to be. The lowest form of friendship, and not one he knew how to improve.
How could he fix it when nothing was broken ?
The door clicked open, snapping him out of it. Seongmin walked in, surprised to see him still there and stopping in his tracks.
"Hyung ? Why are you here ?" he asked, his high voice tickling his ears. "Practice ended ages ago."
"I just wanted to work on some moves to make sure it was perfect", he explained with a smile, as if he wasn't overworking himself to exhaustion on purpose.
"That's dumb, hyung is already dancing perfectly", he almost protested, slapping a towel on his shoulder and making his way towards him.
"You thik that because I practice a lot !"
"Think", he absentmindedly corrected him.
"Think. I know that", he said, because of course he knows, it just doesn't work when his mouth tries to speak sometimes. "Why are you here ?"
"Because I'm not like hyung and I have to actually work hard to get results !"
"You need help with a part ?" Allen asked, his eyes opening up despite how tired he was, a new kind of energy kicking in. "Is that the one you struggled with today ? It's fine if you can't get it right away. You should get some rest."
"You lost every right to tell me to rest when I saw you dead on the floor", he huffed cutely, hands defiantly on his hips.
"Fine… at least let me help you with it."
"Thanks hyung !" he smiled brightly, getting ready.
Allen's heart twisted a little. In his trainee life, he had seen his fair share of cute boys and girls. Hell, he even knew Jeonging, who arguably was the cutest idol to ever breathe and singlehandedly crushed JYP himself with his big eyes. But Seongmin ? Seongmin was like if someone forgot there were other traits and put everything in the cuteness stat. Hyeongjun and Taeyoung would have been the babiest of babies in any other group, but the one everyone was cooing at and praising at every breath was Seongmin and he deserved every second of it.
Or maybe it wasn't that extreme but he simply couldn't be objective when it came to the boy. When he was serious he wanted to mess with him. When he was happy he wanted to put his hands on his cheeks. When he was sulking he wanted to hug him and shower him with nice words until he felt better. And he would do all that, if only they were close enough. But that was normal, right ? Everyone acted that way with him. Who could resist him ? Everything about him was just so, so cute. His looks, his voice, his behavior, even his soft tone when he corrected his prononciation. Anyone would feel like melting when he was around. It wasn't about him.
"Ah, hyung, are you even watching ?" whined Seongmin's voice, getting him back to earth.
"Wha- ? Sorry, I was just, uh…" Thinking about you ? No, that didn't sound right.
"You're always paying attention usually…"
"I know, sorry, I'm just tierd."
"Tired."
"Tired, I know, tired."
"We need to talk", he suddenly decided, walking up to him and dropping on the floor to be at face level.
"Are you mad ?" Allen asked, confused. "I'll really look at you this time."
"That's not the issue, hyung", he frowned, gaze worried. "Give me your hands."
Allen frowned. Did he hear that right ?
"My hands ?"
"Yes, your hands", he repeated, reaching out to grab them as he wasn't moving.
He stared at their hands, his fingers resting motionlessly in his soft palm. The contact made him feel something, but he was way too tired to process it. It was normal for boys to hold hands here, right ? He should've been used to it by now. The fluttering in his chest was probably a ghost of the past, back in LA where that kind of touch would've meant something.
"What's wrong ?" asked Allen, completely and utterly lost.
"I'm fine, but you 're not", he accused, squeezing his hands or squeezing his chest, what the hell was happening.
"I told you, I'm just t i r e d", he pronounced carefully. "I was practicing before you came in."
"It's not about that… look, I don't want you to feel sad."
"Sad ?" Allen blinked, wondering if he somehow had been crying this whole time and didn't notice. "I'm not sad. What are you talking about ?"
"Aaah, hyuuung, don't make it hardeeer", he complained, tugging on his hands to remotely shake him. "I'm not talking about right now, I'm talking generally. Like, every day. Sometimes I look at you, and you look so sad, and I don't like that."
"Oh", simply said Allen. He didn't know his loneliness was showing. He didn't know someone cared .
Seongmin waited for him to follow up on that, the silence stretching until it was clear that it wasn't happening.
"Look, I don't know much, and I know I'm younger than you, but you can talk to me if there is something you need to get off your chest. Sometimes Taeyoung is sad because he misses his family, and we talk about it and he feels better after. If you feel more comfortable with someone your age or older you can ask them, too. Serim hyung is always very nice and listens. But I listen well too, so, do you have something you worry about ?"
Allen opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again without any sound. It felt wrong to use Seongmin as a support, when it was so clearly him that deserved to be supported. But how could he lie to his face when he looked at him with so much sincerity ? He was so tired. Tired of practice, tired of pretending he was okay. Feeling his resolve crumble, his hands finally curled around his.
"How did you know ? Do I bring the energy down ?" he finally said.
"No, I told you, you looked fine and then your eyes were far away and I hated it…"
"I'm sorry I worried you", smiled softly Allen.
Seongmin's eyebrows raised a little before his shoulders slumped subtlety and their eye contact broke. Clearly he took it as him saying he didn't want to talk. Feeling his fingers slip away, he tightly held them.
"I do have a small problem, but really, it's stupid", he forced out, looking at their hands so that he wouldn't have to brave his gaze. "I'm really… exaggerating ?" he tried, unsure.
"Yes", approved Seongmin, now excitedly creeping closer, their knees touching. "It's fine if it's nothing much, you can tell me, I won't laugh !"
" Okay ", he breathed out in english, bracing himself. "So, I don't know how to really say it…"
"It's fine, I'll help you if you don't know a word !!"
Allen finally looked at him, suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude. He was always there to help him without asking for anything in return, even before then. Kindly helping him with korean, or like now...
"Now I'm starting to feel bad for what I was about to say", he chuckled, embarrassed.
He puffed up his cheeks, suspicious.
"Hyung, are you just playing with me ?"
"No, not at all ! Okay I'll say it now. You know, everyone is so nice here… right ?"
"Is someone bothering you ? We'll go talk to Serim hyung", immediately decided Seongmin.
"No, nobody is, it's fine ! Everyone is really nice, but… i don't feel like I have any friends here."
Seongmin frowned, and it was his turn to be confused.
"... But everyone likes you. And they're grateful for everything you do with the dance training."
"Grapeful ?"
"Grateful. Like when you want to say thanks."
"Oh, okay yeah. I know that but…"
He searched for words that could make sense, but even in english, he struggled to put words on what exactly he had an issue with. He looked around, deep in thought, absentmindedly rubbing his thumbs on Seongmin's knuckles.
"I feel alone", he finally decided. "There are nice people around me, but I feel alone. I miss feeling like a family and I don't know if I can have that again. I don't know how. I don't even know if I should want this, because right now, it doesn't make me happy…"
He saw Seongmin nod at the corner of his vision, and felt his hands turn around so that they could thread their fingers together, swinging them slightly.
"I think it would take a bit of time", he hummed calmly. "But I think it will come eventually. We'll debut together, and then we will live all together, and always do our best with each other, so it will end up like that, right ? They just need more time to get to know you. You're a bit shy, so they might be scared to make you uncomfortable by being too close right now. Do you know if I could make something to make you feel better ?"
Allen laughed a little, half nervous half afraid. He was really being calmed down by this kid's words. Was he really that mature ? Was he, himself, immature ? Was it just because it was Seongmin, and everything he said somehow travelled effortlessly to his heart ?
"I don't want you to change how you act just to please me", he simply smiled. "It's fine. I already feel better thanks to you."
"But it's not fine… You need to tell me what could make you feel better when you get like that. I really hate to see you this way", he insisted. "Please tell me what would help. Please ."
Allen looked at Seongmin, at their hands tangled together. He was still warm, but it wasn't because of practice anymore. And he was so tired. So tired, it made him bolder than his brain thought he should be.
"Just come to me then. If you're here and you talk to me… everything is fine."
"Okay, I will !"
His smile was so bright, Allen blacked out a little. He wasn't fully expecting him to keep his word, but seeing him shine up close like that was good enough. He wasn't greedy.
"Now, can you help me with this move ?" he asked, letting go of him and getting up. "I really can't get it and it's frustrating."
Allen stared at his empty hands, silent.
Maybe he was a little greedy after all.
_________________________________
"I'd like to be with Seongmin. He's very clean."
That's what Allen told the staff when they were interviewing them about the dorms. Of course it was important to him that at least his room was protected from the chaos of nine boys living together, but if he had to be perfectly honest, a lot of them were orderly. Seongmin, however, was the only one he wanted to always have with him. And, deep down, a part of him hoped the feeling was somewhat mutual. When they asked about who would want to room with him, he was hesitant. Would it be bold to think that Seongmin wanted him to be there ? Sure, he had been spending a lot of time with him… But it didn't mean he was this close to him. It meant he cared, though, and that was already a lot for him.
In the end, he couldn’t room with him. It had been so close. Way too many things were played on a game of rock paper scissors, and he really wasn’t a fan. The bitterness at seeing him go was quickly buried, though, because it was probably for the better. The days were getting shorter and shorter as Seongmin made him laugh, smile and talk, and he needed those nights to sleep. Plus, it meant he could get closer to the others too, and he was glad about that. Since their discussion, Seongmin had been dragging him into every activity, actively making him participate even when he didn’t notice something was going on.
And it was nice, having someone as cute as Seongmin always looking out for him, always bringing him joy and warmth even after a brutal week of training.
It was nice.
Maybe he was starting to like it a bit too much.
_________________________________
The old building was cold, even though they were inside. The photoshoot was wrapping up, the members spread around, exploring the facilities with cameras or getting filmed by the staff for future content. Allen and Seongmin just had their share of screentime, talking about snowsports and other trivial things. Allen wasn't sure how fans could find it entertaining, but who was he to judge, seeing how he was entranced with Seongmin just blabbering about that one time he was at a resort.
"But we weren't going to complain about it, because it was just weird to have the sheets upside down and we didn't want anyone to get fired, so we just slept like that. Hey, where did Wonjin hyung go ? He was right there."
"I think he went with others to explore the houses. Should we go and try to find them ?"
"No, I'm more interested in the main building, and the little apartments are scary… do you want to look around a little ?"
"Sure, it sounds fun. Should we get a camera ? Or someone to film us ? The others did."
Seongmin stayed silent for a second, like he was thinking. He couldn't understand why, but he felt something shift as he said in a small voice :
"No, I don't want to. I'll tell the staff we'll be back soon."
Allen looked at him run to them, a knot of tension forming in his guts. What was happening ? Why was he suddenly like this ? Was it just because they would be alone ? He couldn't be this whipped for him, could he ? Then was it him saying he wanted them to be alone ? The way he said it ? When had he become such a mess ? So many questions and no answers as Seongmin came back, grabbing his hand and dragging him in the deserted hallways.
"Come on, they said we don't have much time !"
"Okay", he weakly said, following him obediently.
He always found modern ruins like this fascinating. Back when he had the time, he looked at a lot of urbex on YouTube. Something about places used not that long ago left to crumble was eerie and mesmerizing. And exploring the place like that, alone with Seongmin, felt like the culmination of years of unknown longing. He let himself be guided by his suggestions, turning when something caught his eye, getting deeper into the resort. Big halls turned to small offices, sheets of paper scattered on the ground. At some point, Seongmin went from reasonably excited to visibly nervous.
"Hey", said Allen, tugging on his hand to stop him. "Do you feel okay ? You want to go out now ?"
"No, it's fine", he blatantly lied, checking behind him. "I was too scared to do it even though I wanted to, but when you're here I feel brave, so, it's fine."
Allen smiled, feeling warm. He felt brave with him. He made him feel safe. Those were the kind of things he was hoping for.
"You don't have to keep going if you don't feel like it. I won't tell the others, you can trust me."
"I trust you", he whispered, looking down.
There it was again, this weird tension. Neither of them moved, and Allen was getting very aware of them holding hands, but it was fine, because it was normal, and that was a thing here, and it was not weird. He allowed himself to breathe in when Seongmin walked again, leading them in a small, dark room, probably what used to be a big closet. They stopped there. His breathing stopped too.
"Say, hyung…"
It was almost a whisper. Allen tried to swallow, but his throat was too dry. He knew his palms were getting sweaty. Desperate, he searched the younger's face, but the shadows were too deep to read anything.
"Yeah ?" he squeezed out, chocking on air.
"I wanna ask you something, but the others really can't know about it. You promise ?"
For a second, the random thought that he was about to ask advice for his feelings about someone else pierced him. He realised it would shatter his heart just as he was nodding.
"Of course, I promise."
Seongmin hummed, scratching the dirty floor with the extremity of his shoe. Time seemed to stop, a thousand thoughts running through his mind. What mattered the most was that he would be here for him, like he had been when he needed it. No matter what.
"Would you… are you okay with… I mean, can you… kiss me on the cheek ?"
Allen felt all his blood leaving his face and rushing to his head in a dazed vertigo. He was pretty sure he could've passed out without his earlier snack. It was fine, they do that here- no they don't, they fight for it not to happen on variety shows, that's not a thing, it's not normal-
"K-kiss ?" he repeated breathlessly, like every dumb shojo main character he ever saw.
Seongmin started fidgeting, suddenly turning away.
"Sorry, that was dumb, forget it-"
"Wait !"
He grabbed his shoulder with his free hand, turning him back to face him. He noticed how much he had grown since he met him.
"I'll do it", he breathed out, voice a bit shaky.
Seongmin tensed under his hand, his breathing more audible now.
"Please don't feel obligated…"
"But I want to."
He stilled, Allen calling up all his courage to run his hand on the huge coat until he reached his cheek. It felt warm to the touch, despite the cold weather. His stomach did a looping, and he tried to calm himself down. It was just on the cheek. It meant nothing. He kissed his parents like that, it didn't have to mean anything more than platonic love. And he could be asking him just for… he didn't know why. If only he could see his expression and guess where he could stand.
He bended over, using his hand as an anchor in the dark. In his other hand, Seongmin was slightly shaking, and he squeezed him for reassurance. He didn't want him to feel bad about it, even though he asked. So he delicately kissed his cheek, light and earnest. He could feel the makeup on his lips, hoping that his lipstick didn't stain him. As he slowly pulled back, Seongmin slightly turned his head, their noses brushing. Allen froze, heart in his throat. He could feel his shallow, restrained breath on his own lips. He was so close. If he were just to bend a little more-
Footsteps echoed around them, Seongmin harshly pushed him away. Allen, stunned, stumbled back until he hit the wall, hands stuck in their position. He heard Seongmin gasp at what he had done, and the next second, he was running away, barely letting him notice his red ears before he disappeared down the hallway.
He stood there, shocked, trying to manually breathe seeing that his lungs didn't want to do the job anymore. After a long time, his arms finally dropped to his sides, his body sliding down the dirty wall until he was crouching. He wanted to scrub his face, mess with his hair, but those were luxuries he lost when he signed to debut with Cravity. So instead he blankly stared at the ground, trying to process what happened. To understand. If anything, to know what he should be doing now. But nothing made sense. His mind was as empty as his stomach, he had no clue as to whether or not he should even think that hard about it. The only thing he was sure of, was that whatever just happened ended badly. He knew it because there was something new gnawing at his insides, besides his fears of failure and the pressure of his blossoming idol life. Something very scary that gained a little more in size every time he looked at.
Something that looked like heartbreak.
_________________________________
The practice room was filled with the panting of the members, out of breath after their routine. Allen turned around, pointing at Minhee.
“You were a bit too much on the left right then, be careful about the formation.”
“Right, I noticed something was wrong”, he grumbled.
“Also, Taeyoung, when you do that , try to lift your arm a bit more. That was way too low.”
“Sorry”, he smiled apologetically.
Allen closed his eyes a second. It was going to be fine this time. He just had to point out a mistake. Nothing more. It would be okay.
“Seongmin, you used your wrong foot on-”
“Sorry, gotta use the restroom”, he quickly said, dashing out.
It happened. Again. He looked around, searching for their leader and his unavoidable hard stare. Serim sighed, motioning him to move.
"Come, we have to talk."
Jungmo and Woobin looked at each other with big "the teacher is gonna scold him" vibes while Wonjin had "Yeesh" written on his face, whatever that meant. The two rappers ignored them, exiting the practice room and ending up in an unused conference room. The silence was oppressing. Allen kept his head low, feeling guilty even though he wasn't sure why. He was already trying his best to make things work, even if it wasn't enough.
"So. Seongmin."
Allen almost winced.
"Yeah."
"What happened ? He won't tell me, and clearly this is about you."
Allen sighed, hands on his face. This is it. This is the moment where he has to vocalise the situation, put words on it, and if he does, then everything becomes real. His thoughts, his feelings, what happened. He won't be able to enjoy them quietly, pretending it wasn't there and not having to think about consequences. It meant he would have to do what he always knew was waiting for him at the end of the road. He didn't want to, and there was also something that kept him from saying it. Something more important.
"I promised. It was important to him that I did, and he trusts me, so… I can't tell you, I'm sorry."
Serim crossed his arms, not ready to let go yet.
"Allen. If this issue continues, this is going to have a real impact on practice and maybe even our group. We all struggled a lot to get there. You've been through a lot too. We can't jeopardize everything because you two can't talk it out, whatever "it" is. I want you to tell me because if you can't do it on your own, I have to help you get to a point where you can breathe in the same room again. You understand what I mean ?"
"Yeah, of course…"
"So what is the issue ? Don't get into the details, just… give me a rough idea."
Allen started playing with his sleeve, unsure. What was the issue ? What could he say ?...
"So, when we were at the resort, before his camera prank…"
"Mmh ?"
"At a certain point we were alone and, let's say there was something embarrassing going on. And it was fine, but then we heard someone and he panicked and left, and we haven't talked about it."
Serim was frowning, the gears in his brain going at full speed. Allen was pretty proud of his summary until his leader talked again.
"Were you two making out ?"
Allen had the longest gasp of his life, clutching his imaginary pearls and turning some beetleroot-level crimson.
"WHAT ? NO ! WHAT ?? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT ?!"
Serim rolled his eyes, not impressed.
"You've had a crush on him for ages. Everybody knows. Stop freaking out."
"I- I don't- !"
"I found your lyrics notebook and I know enough english to know a love song when I see one. Come on, I'm giving you a chance to come clean here."
Allen swallowed. Breathed deeply.
"Okay. Yeah. Maybe I have a- a crush on him. And, I know it's not happening. It's fine. I'm not going to act on it, I won't risk the group."
"So… you weren't putting moves on him that day ?"
"No, I told you. Actually, I- I kind of think that maybe… he was. Judging by his reaction I mean. I mean I guess. I don't know, it was confusing."
Serim thinned his eyes, propping himself against the nearby table. He was thinking, and Allen was worrying about whether he said too much. Probably.
"You know what, he probably didn't", he backtracked. "He must've been confused. Or I was confused. Like I said, so confusing. You really shouldn't listen to me, I'm bad at reading the room. So bad. Like that one time I-"
"Okay, I know what we should do about your relationship."
" You what ?" he hiccuped in english.
"I'm going to talk to him about it. Tonight we'll leave you a room, and for the love of Jooheon you will talk it out."
"Jooheon ?" frowned Allen.
"God. For the love of god."
"How am I supposed to learn anything if you keep doing things like that", he grumbled.
"Look, here's the thing. I can't just say, hey, stop liking him, to either of you. And bottling things up would only make things worse. But you know the risks, and you know what it would mean to have something like that leak, for every one of us. There is no easy way out. You can stop things now and heal, or go on a very, very hard and dangerous road. If you do, I'll have your back and find excuses for the higher-ups, but you can only justify so much with skinship and fanservice. This group is what we've sacrificed our youth for and I hope you understand that the pressure I'm putting on you is necessary."
He put his hand on Allen's shoulder, caring gaze.
"I'm on your side, okay ? This is… far from ideal. But it can't be helped, so… this is your choice to make. Please think carefully."
Allen silently nodded, playing with his sleeve once again. Serim stared at him a bit more before letting go, leaving the room.
"I'll go get Seongmin. Go back to the practice room when you're ready. We won't wait for you, so take your time and… consider your options wisely."
The door closed, Allen's tears fell.
He knew what he had to do, but Seongmin had made him so, so greedy.
As he walked back to the practice room, his face splashed with water, he was ready to mourn the kiss that he could never give.
_________________________________
Allen was in his bunk, facing the wall, nausea drowning his thoughts. He was waiting for that fateful door opening, the one that would bring him the end of this madness.
Looking back, he should have known. As soon as he started to hope to be his roommate, it should have been obvious to him and he should have put a stop to this. Set boundaries, get more distant, hell even text some ex back in America and hide it from the company. He'd rather have this found out than what ended up happening.
And the worst… was probably what he did to Seongmin.
He was fairly certain that when it all began, there was nothing more than friendship in his eyes. But now, as he was avoiding him like the plague, he was either disgusted by what he discovered, or worse, had developed feelings of his own. And Seongmin was so precious. So fragile. He wouldn’t be able to deal with a life like that, with everything it brought here. Everything was nice, and then he had to go and mess it up.
He shouldn’t feel sorry for himself when he had been that selfish.
The door opened, closed. His blood ran cold. No more footsteps.
“... I know you aren’t sleeping, hyung.”
The unmistakable voice called, forcing him to turn around and get up after a last breath before the free fall. Seongmin was there, dark hair in his eyes, looking tired and worried. He walked up to him, leaving just a bit too much space between them.
“Serim hyung said we should talk”, started Seongmin, nodding and lips thinned.
“Yeah, we should. I’ll go first.”
His wandering gaze locked his, and Allen jumped.
“I’ve… liked you for a long time now. Back there, in the dark room, I really wanted to kiss you.”
Seongmin’s face lit up, his lips stretching in a smile and his eyes twinkling with stars. Allen winced. It hurt so much.
“But it made you confused, and it made you maybe hope for things, and that… can’t happen.”
His smile wavered.
"We shouldn't do this. I'm sorry I did this to you."
Seongmin froze, eyes wide. Eyes that quickly filled with tears as he breathed in, slashing his reddened cheeks with wet streaks, painting his hands with a shiny layer when he hid behind them.
Everything collapsed.
"I'm sorry", frantically hiccuped Seongmin, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
Allen tried to resist to how much he wanted to hug him, hold him tight and tell him everything was going to be alright. Because it would be a lie. No matter what, nothing would be alright.
"You didn't do anything", he forced out, throat constricted. "I was just… foolish, and… I didn't protect you when I should have."
"But I didn't NEED to be protected", he exploded, voice shrill. "I need… I need… "
His sobs drowned out his voice, and Allen gave up, putting a hand on his shoulder. Seongmin threw himself against him, gripping at his clothes with the power of despair, and it felt as if it was Allen's heart he was crushing and twisting under his fingers.
"Please don't cry", he weakly begged, feeling dead inside. "Please don't cry… I'm sorry…"
Of course, he kept crying.
“It’s not fair ”, he wailed against his chest. “It’s not fair that you like me and I can’t like you back ! Why are you even saying that ! It doesn’t make sense !”
Against his better judgment, he hooked his arms around him. He was trying so hard not to think. About how much it hurt, about how much he was hurting him. His eyes burned, so he squeezed them shut. He had to be strong. He had to do it. He had to ignore that part of him that felt happy he talked about liking him back. Because if he didn’t...
“You know that wouldn’t work… Someone would find out, the fans, the tabloids, the sasaengs, the management. And if that happened, then us, our careers, everyone in the group… everything would go up in flames.”
“But I don’t care !”
“You don’t think that”, he whispered, caressing his head softly. “You care about them.”
“We can hide ! Be careful ! Say it’s fanservice ! Minhyuk sunbaenim did things to his other members that I would never do in public !”
“Yeah, I know, but…”
“And Serim hyung said he would help us with the managers !”
“That doesn’t mean he…”
“And I can even go to the others on purpose for the camera !”
“Seongmin…”
The youngest pushed himself away, just enough to look at him in the eyes, jaw set and stare determined.
“You really don’t want to be with me ?” he asked quietly.
Allen sighed, but it was more like the sound he would make if he was punched in the stomach. His tears finally spilled. Why was he making this so hard ?
“Of course I want to be with you…”
“Then let’s do it !”
“We can’t…”
“Well I say we can !”
“We couldn’t even do it alone in a deserted abandoned resort, what makes you think you will be safer when thousands of people are waiting for nothing else than you to slip up ?!”
Soft lips on his clotured his rant, shutting him up even though he had more arguments. He knew he should push him away, try to not make them even more miserable, but it was asking too much of him. With shaky hands, he cupped his face, tilting a bit his head for a better kiss. Even if he never admitted it to himself, he had thought about those lips so many times. How soft they could be, how it would be to finally kiss them. And already, he was pulling away, making him go back to reality.
“You see ? I did that, and everybody is listening outside. These walls are paper thin.”
“Please don’t mind us”, said a faraway voice - Taeyoung’s probably ?
“You’re trying to protect me like a kid but I’m not. And you care about the group’s wellbeing but I do too”, he asserted. “You thought I didn’t consider what everyone was risking ? What did you think Serim told me, to go ahead and be happy ? I know what’s on the line. And I’m not selfish. I just know it can work.”
Allen stayed silent, tears running down his face. Now he knew what it was like to kiss him. There was no going back. He had to live with it. And he knew what he had to do, he knew, but the lines in his heart were getting blurry.
“Don’t you want to kiss me again…?”
He looked at him, his messy black hair and watering eyes, red nose and cheeks. Of course he wanted to. So he did, feeling like he made a terrible decision. Electricity sparked on his lips, traveling through his body and breaking down all his defenses. What was he supposed to do when he was looking at him like that ? Say no ?
This time it was Allen that took a step back, now sobbing. It was too hard. He couldn’t do it.
“I’m sorry”, he said, his korean flimsy at best. “I jus wanted to do the best but I- I- What if I mess op, what if- What will I do if - If I’m not-”
He fell back on his bed, hiding his face behind his hands. Now he had done it. A full breakdown when he was trying to break the heart of the boy that made his beat faster. Glorious. Fantastic.
Seongmin sat besides him, putting an arm around him. He hated how he leaned into his touch. How could he become so weak when he had been so determined ?
“It’s okay”, said Seongmin. “It’s fine.”
“It’s- It’s not !!” he protested. “I’m- We are-”
“Calm down first, okay ? Then we can talk.”
All of a sudden, Seongmin had become the calm one, probably because he saw his resolve wasn’t as strong as Allen tried to believe. He tried to calm down too, his breathing strained.
“I… Don’t want to do a misbake”, he forced out.
“Mistake.”
“I know, it’s hard to talk !” he whined.
“But I’m here to correct you, right ? Even if you make mistakes.”
“... Right”, admitted Allen, sniffing.
“And you can always talk to me if you’re scared about something, right ?”
“... Yeah…”
“And I always help you after.”
“But you won’t be able to help this time”, he said quietly.
“That’s why we have friends. They can help us when we can’t”.
“And we can break their dreams, too.”
The silence fell in their room, heavy. Seongmin breathed in, slowly.
“In the end, it’s up to you if you don’t think you can. I can’t control that. But I want you to know that I believe we could.”
A hand took Allen’s, exposing his face. He looked at his fingers in Seongmin’s palm, like all those months ago, on that day he sat down and talked to him. Tried to figure him out. Worked his way to him.
“So… You really don’t want us to be together ?”
Allen looked at him for a second, and thought. Really thought. Not about what he should do, but how it would be. What could life be like if he said no. Because he didn’t think he could get over him. It was fine if they tried, and it didn’t work, and they stayed friends. But if he stayed there, just out of reach, when he knew that he could just reach out…
He couldn’t.
There was never an option.
“I want to.”
“But… ?”
Allen chuckled, shaking slowly his head.
“No buts.”
Seongmin’s eyes started to shine again, more careful than the first time.
“So… ?”
“So you were right, and I’m dumb, and we’re doing this.”
Seongmin squealed, launching himself at him and slamming him on the mattress.
“Yes ! Yeeesss yes yes yeessss !!”
“My throat”, wheezed a crushed Allen.
“Oops. Sorry.”
“Congratulations guys”, said a voice behind the wall, probably Jungmo.
“Should we buy a cake to celebrate ?” asked Minhee, on the opposite side.
“Go back to your phones and leave us alone !” barked Seongmin at no one, snuggling against Allen.
He breathed in his scent, his idle hand threading through his hair. He was still shaking from all those emotions, but right now, he felt like it wasn’t all for nothing. It would be hard, and maybe he would regret it, but right here, against it… It seemed worth it.
“I like you, Seongmin”, he said, so low. “A lot. Really a lot.”
“I know”, he giggled in his neck. “I like you too hyung.”
Being greedy never felt so rewarding.