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It was never with foul intention, or any intention, really. She would just find herself strolling through the inside of the palace, as big as a city, and would wind up at his mansion. It was far from her own mansion, but she could rarely spend her days lounging inside of its grand walls and decorated rooms. It wasn’t her home, after all. A home was something stable, concrete; it was something that would always be there, waiting for her to come back to.
Whether it be a few months or a few weeks, she was always being moved at some point. To a new abode. Sometimes to a place so decrepit the entire building shook with a single step. Other times to a place so luxurious she couldn’t help but wonder if the Noble Consort had this much luxury. Back and forth. Punishment and reward. She always had a bag packed and ready for when she would inevitably move again.
His mansion always stayed the same, though. Lord Yi had insisted on living within the palace walls, even though he could have lived in the city with a larger estate. She wondered if he ever got tired of the gossiping maids, scheming eunuchs, and vile constorts all working towards their own gain. He could be away from all of that if he moved away. He could commute to the palace easily and live a more quiet life. It felt like half of the times she was getting punished he was there, witness to all the bitterness and lies. He would protect her. She didn’t know why.
She was innocent, of course, never wanting to stand out too much and just wanting to provide for her family. Lord Yi had no reason to risk his relationship with his brother, with the Emperor, to defend her. The Emperor trusted him so much. She was terrified she might cause a rift. She knew one day someone would frame her so well that there would be no rescue for her. It was pointless trying to save her. She still had a small hope that he would try.
She watched as the man she tried to love over and over would bring her more happiness than she ever knew possible - just to drop her off a cliff with a look of disgust and mistrust. The Emperor was loved by the people, and it was obvious he loved his people in return. His consorts loved him- even though many are forced in these grand palace walls through politics and other unseen forces beyond a simple woman’s control. Everyone did their best to gain his favor. For their family. For their own benefit. Just to survive. He did not love them. Not any of them.
Especially not her.
When he was lonely he called on whatever consort held his interest for the time, leaving the others waiting alone in their mansions. Days, weeks, months going by without a warm touch. Even when she was in his favor there was still the matter of hierarchy. The Empress and Noble Consort got the most attention. Whoever had his interest beyond them would usually be decided by who he passed by first. He got bored easily, going to the next woman that catches his eye.
Sometimes he would go months without seeing a consort just to see her again and be struck by her beauty. He would lavish her with gifts and attention and that false love. All the loneliness in the past brushed to the side with soft kisses and strong arms wrapped around her. She saw it repeat more times than she could count and her heart felt so heavy.
Many days she would wake before dawn and stare at the ceiling, her heart feeling like the whole world is bearing down on her chest. She struggles to breathe, and can only stare as she watches the sunlight slowly peer through the windows. Other times she would stay up, unable to sleep, and burn through dozens of wicks before finally letting herself just sit in the darkness while her head feels full of mud. Yuexiu isn’t surprised seeing her awake each morning. Her dear friend and servant just crawls into bed and hugs her for a while until it’s decided they have to actually get up to eat breakfast. She offers to sleep with her, but the consort always declines. Yuexiu deserves to have a good rest without worrying about her master. So they start each day the same and eat a hearty breakfast. Then the consort goes for a walk.
She will spend hours walking. Even when her heels start to redden or bleed from rubbing against her shoes, she keeps walking. She’ll find herself at Lord Yi’s mansion. She had only been inside a handful of times for mundane reasons- but it always felt like a home. The home was certainly more than elegant for his standing, but still decorated in such a humble way that she could imagine what it would be like to live there. Not having to worry about knocking into a priceless vase with every step she took. Being able to walk from one room to the next without three outside maids peering in to spy on her.
She could imagine children freely running about. Plenty of room for them to study and play but still be in sight of their parents. Waking up to children hopping on the bed to wake their mother and father for a bright and new day. Oh, how she wished she could have that. To even have a fraction of that dream. To be able to sleep in the arms of the man she loved for more than one night every few weeks or months. Maybe then her heart wouldn’t feel so heavy.
She remembered reading fairy tales as a child with her mother. In many there were tales of lovers who stayed with each other until their deaths, always hand in hand. She had never held hands with the Emperor. Such a small, mundane act of affection. Yet she never experienced it with him. She once was walking with Lord Yi and tripped, his reflexes more than fast enough to grab her hand and right her. She had thanked him hastily, ready for their hands-for that warmth- to break away. Then Lord Yi smiled and began walking again, his sleeve hiding their still entwined hands to the spies all around them. When they had gotten back to her mansion she almost cried when their hands finally parted. She did cry, silently, in her bed that night.
It wasn’t right for her to want what she couldn’t have. She would one day watch him be married and have children with another. She would be called Aunt instead of Mother. Her walks with him would end. She wondered if his wife would notice her walking to their home each day. She probably would. Anyone blessed to have such a husband would happily and greedily guard the position- wary of all outsiders. She would. She would cry and beg for him never to let another woman touch him and to only be hers. He would accept without any hesitation, she knows. He wouldn’t shrink away or scold her for being selfish. He wouldn’t confine her to her bedroom for two weeks as punishment for her wants.
Her heart is heavy.
But nothing will change this life she chose. Her life is not even hers, not anymore. It belongs to a cold and fickle Emperor who can throw it away as he pleases. And he will. She knows he will. So even if she is at the mercy of such a man, she at least keeps comfort in her daydreams. So, she dreams, and tomorrow she will take another walk.