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It was an unexpected development. Being able to produce an heir to the Emperor was the most important job of a concubine, but to actually achieve it was still a feat. To be pregnant with a second child? It was practically unheard of. Many praised the favored concubine for her luck and closeness to the emperor, but she knew it was only a matter of time. Her first pregnancy came after Tong Liluo had another man's child and was executed for her treachery. During the whole pregnancy, she was worried someone would try to frame something similar to her. She knew the child was the emperor's, but it was easy for him to not trust her. Some days the child growing inside her felt like a terrible virus. Something evil that would cause her undoing and death. Other days the child felt like a blessing from the heavens, something that was born of her own flesh and blood. More often than not, however, the child felt like chains. As the mother of a prince or princess, she now was shackled to the emperor forever. Her own blood merged with his to create a new being. One that would have his features. One that would always remind her of him, no matter how much she wants to forget about him. She knows the child will have the status and privilege of a royal, but that same child will have a target on their back that every concubine has in the harem. That child is a threat to the other children's right to succeed. It is a threat to the mothers who want to become the Empress Dowager, who will be safe for the rest of their lives. If it was a princess, she would be sold off to any man deemed necessary for the good of the country. If it was a prince, he would have to learn to treat his own mother as lesser than him so he can one day learn to rule the country as the highest authority. If he even survives to take up the mantle.
Her first child was a girl. Though she mourned her little one's future, she was glad that she would at least have some years with her before she is sold off. She can only hope that the Emperor will give her a husband who will not be as cruel as the emperor himself. She can only hope. Hope and pray to whatever deity is out there. Of course, some time after the birth, she was put in yet another situation where she was framed and not believed by the emperor. She expected it, but it still hurt each time.
She didn't quite expect to be hunted by assassins out for her head but little surprised her at this point. Even the wound inflicted by one of them didn't hurt as much as the betrayal by her "husband." When she woke up in the Buddhist temple, she thought this was a sign that she could finally escape the palace. Escape him. She tried to forget him, but then one day he showed up and all the resolve she had built crumbled. She tried to stay firm, to deny him. When he walked away, though, her heart couldn't stay still. Her body moved faster than her mind and she clung to the man who would only continue to abuse her. The monk said their fates were entwined. Whatever fate kept their threads tangled was likely mocking her, but she couldn't abandon the emperor. No matter how much she wanted to. She entered the palace once more, earning great status and attention from the emperor. Her daughter, who supposedly cried each day for her, calmly slept in her arms.
Her sister tried to cause a ruckus in the palace shortly after she discovered she was pregnant again. She didn't want to harm her sister, and she was too lenient. The stress was also weakening her body. When she was pregnant with her daughter, she could still go on her daily walks. She could still go to his home. Lord Yi normally wasn't home when she would walk to his mansion, but when she was pregnant he started to do more work at home. He would keep his window wide open so he could look out into the garden where she would pass by. Each day that her stomach grew bigger, the more she noticed his longing glances. Sometimes she would notice his eyes searching for her before she even arrived. She could feel his eyes as she walked away. With this second pregnancy, though, it was difficult for her to walk so far. That was when she started noticing his nightly walks.
She would feel sick all through the day and night, so she would keep her window open to get fresh air. She still suffered from nightmares and bad sleep from her past abuses, despite the doctors saying she needed ample rest, so she would stay up during the night and nap during the day. She noticed Lord Yi not only walking by her mansion but also him watching it for hours on end each night. When her candles burnt out, he would softly make his way to her bedroom window and listen for her breathing. At first she pretended to be asleep, but after a few weeks she dared to break the precious silence between them. She peered over the windowsill and locked eyes with the man who felt like home. He had blushed and stammered out an apology, but she was far too tired to keep up appearances. She leaned against the windowsill, eyes drooping. "Please stay for a while longer," she whispered out. Even in the dark, she could see him stiffen, then slowly relax. He gingerly sat down below the window, and the two rested in silence. She wasn't sure when she fell asleep, but when the early morning rays of daybreak hit her eyes, Lord Yi was nowhere in sight.
Due to how busy the Emperor was, he couldn't visit often to comfort his pregnant concubine when she was distressed each day. Her depression and anxiety were already formidable but paired with the hormones of pregnancy, she sometimes found it hard to smile at her daughter who just wanted to play with her mother. So the Emperor made a comment for his brother to visit. On occasion, he had sent his brother to play games with her in the past, as he couldn't keep up with her cunning in some games. So Lord Yi used that permission to visit once a week during the day. His niece would run up to him and hug him before asking to play with her. He would sometimes bring his work with him, and she would sit in his lap and ask questions about what he was doing. He would patiently explain everything while his sister-in-law would embroider by the window. Sometimes she would even sit beside him to serve him tea and ask questions, as well. Once, when the servants had gone to retrieve lunch for them, she felt the baby kick. She gently placed his hand on her belly and he felt the tiny kicks of life. If Lord Yi teared up slightly from the feeling, there was no comment. The child in his lap was asleep against him, unaware of the moment between her mother and uncle.
The baby, by a miracle, was born healthy. It was a precious baby boy. Once the mother was coherent enough after the birth, she could hold him in her arms. Her daughter rushed over to look at her new little brother, and she allowed her to coo over him. As she stared at her two children, she noticed something she hadn't before. Rather than the Emperor's features, she was comparing their features to their uncle, Lord Yi. Her cute daughter favored her, but had a small nose that would wrinkle when she was frustrated. Lord Yi would do so when appraising certain difficult documents. Her son had a face so similar to him. She knew when he was older he could be mistaken for the son of Lord Yi, should the Emperor not be around. Though these were treasonous thoughts, her heart felt lighter imagining that these children were of her and Lord Yi's blood. In a way, they were, if only by a basic blood relation. It made her want to cry from how nice the thought was. She did cry after a moment, but those around her just assumed it was from the joy of childbirth.
No one noticed how she trained her children to lovingly call Uncle like one would a father. Lord Yi came to visit often, now able to come freely to offer schooling advice for the new prince. Neither did people notice when the children called Emperor Father like they would an Uncle. A relation, but not the one who raises them. Not the one who shares love with their mother. One morning they visited Lord Yi's home on the pretext of a beginning lesson for the young prince, to gauge how best they should curate his learning material. It was the first time she had been to his home. There was a gentle fragrance that permeated each room. Tea and snacks were waiting for them in the main room. Mother and daughter read through poems while uncle and nephew read through basic stories and documents. Both mother and uncle knew that the child was too young to know much, but it was an excuse. If it allowed them to repeat this day every few months as a follow up, neither would complain. If, for only a day, they can feel like a family...that would be enough.