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Cody dreams and every night is the same dream.
He dreams of death, of bitter ash choking his throat and a young boy with fiery red hair. The pale moonlight gleams off those crimson curls and Cody cannot stop a sudden flinch, his mind echoing with the battle-cry of a thousand cannons and guns. His mind is screaming wrongwrongwrong even as he forces himself to take a step forward. The ground beneath his feet feels unstable.
He keeps his eyes fixed on the boy as his mind frantically tries to capture every detail of his face. He wants to - no, needs to - etch it permanently in his memory; down from those eyes to the freckles spread across the boy’s face like stars across a distant galaxy.
Those eyes, those ever-changing sea-blue and deep green eyes that draw him in and makes him remember what he longs to forget. Garbled words and half-buried terrifying memories of blood betrayal painfiredeath flashes through his mind and Cody has to choke back a scream.
Good soldiers follow orders. Good soldiers follow orders. Good soldiers follow orders.
He chants it in his mind, willing the traitorous memories away from his head. He wanted so desperately to forget, to destroy the memories of [Before] but he can’t. There are some things that he cannot forget.
The feeling of choking on dust and blood as his brother’s die around him and he is helpless to save them. The terrified echoes of dying men ringing out around him, each one feeling like a knife in his heart even as he barks out orders to keep going. There are… others. It should be nice memories, Cody thinks, but it’s not because it tainted with the knowledge of what comes after.
Cody remembers a warmth in his heart when the [Traitor] had praised him and laid a comforting warm hand on his shoulder. He remembers the near-hero worship he had once harboured for the [Traitor] because the [Traitor] had been the ones to find them and save them and give them purpose and call them by names, not their designated numbers.
Ineffective , his mind sneers, sentimental fool .
Cody hates himself for cherishing these memories because he knows that it is all faked and the same hand that comforted him, could easily kill him on a whim. He drags himself out of his thoughts, swallowing back a sudden bout of nausea and pain.
He looks down and realises that the boy’s hand is in his own battle-hardened and calloused ones. Cody marvels at how soft and small the boy’s hand is, unblemished and free from the hardened struggle of life. It’s so fragile, and something in his heart clenches painfully.
A laugh bubbles up from the boy’s throat, and it is neither malicious nor bitter like the voices inside Cody’s head. No, it is joyful; a high clear note of happiness and Cody feels his heart break all over again.
He’s breaking, like he had every single night after the [Traitors] were taken care of. That night in the storm where the skies became dark and still and the winds held their breath and the night was utterly silent except for loud cracking gunfire and the screams and wails of the damned.
That night where he lost his [Traitor]. A clap of thunder and the mountains rumble and everything happens too fast. Kill him. The words escaping his mouth without thought and with it a wonderful clarity because he is doing the right thing and the [Traitor] deserves - deserved? - to die.
A sharp crack and the [Traitor]’s body jerks. Sways once and falls, and just like that it is all over in a burst of red. The [Traitor] falls, swallowed by an abyss. Cody should feel pride or satisfaction, but he doesn't. He’s not prepared for the swell of horror and raw grief that explodes in his chest.
He’s breaking and oh gods, it hurts hurtshurts. A whimper claws it ways up from the depths of his throat and he gasps, tears stinging his eyes. Wet choking sobs escape his mouth and he trembles.
The boy in front of him gives him one last sad smile, before seemingly melting into the shadows that are suddenly shrouding them in great big mists of darkness. Cody’s hand still grasps the air, and he feels sick and empty. His heart pounds, even as the pale cold feeling of numbness spreads through his body.
He knows how this will end.
Cody’s mouth falls open in a silent scream as fire rages around him. The crackling hungry flames and the sickening smell of burning flesh overwhelm him, and he falls to his knees. His lungs constrict painfully as he retches.
I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU!
The stench of cooking flesh and someone screams and there is so much blood staining hands and it falls like drip drip drip and Cody sobs, his face now a mess of ash and tears.
I loved you.
The words burn in his mind.
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Everything fades and Cody finds himself standing in some sort of desert world. His knees are scraped and tiny beads of blood stain the gritty sand beneath him. The sun scorches his back and his throat feels too raw. There is someone in front of him, holding him. Not alone , the person whispers, not alone never I’m here Cody I won’t leave I promise I’m here I’m here I’m here.
He forces his eyes open in spite of the salt caking his eye-lashes shut. A wounded cry tears itself out of his throat and he scrambles backwards. There is a very familiar man in front of him
The [Traitor]’s hair is matted and blood-stained and his clothes are torn and filthy. A weary smile graces the [Traitor]’s lips and suddenly, Cody cannot move. An overwhelming urge to scream and beg for forgiveness wells up in him but the words dry in his throat.
He flinches at the pitiful sight of the [Traitor], the horrible knowledge that he did this pounding inside of him like a howling storm. Cody forces himself to look at the [Traitor], to take in his haggard face, lined with haunted shadows and features awash in ashen hue.
“General…” Cody chokes out.
The [Traitor] looks straight into his eyes and mouths the same words over and over again.
You betrayed me, killed me, shot me down why Cody why why why
The truth hurts, and his chest burns with the terrible knowledge that it is all his fault. It shatters him and breaks his soul. Guilt pulses in sickly waves. Perhaps this is his curse, his punishment to be broken over and over again until he is nothing but an empty shell. The worst part is, Cody knows with a horrifying certainty that he deserves it.
You killed me. You killed me. You killed me.
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Cody wakes up screaming.