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In hindsight, it was stupid of James to think that he could make it all better. Sirius told him that his parents hurt him, and James said that he wasn't going to be there much longer. But then, it wasn't so much that Sirius told him as James talked him into a corner, and Sirius's silence was damning when James asked a few pointed questions. A small nod at the end counted as admitting it, and James had wrapped his arms around him like if he hugged him enough, he could make all the pain in his life disappear.
It was one of those things that James should've known better about long before he saw how wrong he was, but James had the power of optimism. He knew, intellectually, that it was going to be a long and hard road to make Sirius feel better about himself, but he'd sort of thought that the power of love would get them through it. And he knew how that sounded, but he'd been thirteen and utterly convinced of his own power; if there was one thing James Potter was known for, it wasn't humility.
The first real glimmer James had that maybe this was more than he could handle was the day after Severus Snape died. Sirius had always hated him. Sirius was crying the whole day, he went and told Dumbledore what happened and insisted it was an accident, and then he kept quiet and supposedly miserable the week following. After that week was up and Dumbledore ruled that since it was an accident Sirius could stay, all traces of regret were gone; Sirius was acting normal again. At the time he'd shoved the feeling down as paranoia, but he didn't believe it was an accident like Sirius claimed. It was too neat. The 'prank' got out of hand too completely and so easily that it seemed premeditated. But Sirius was his (recently acquired) boyfriend, and he loved him.
He was just being paranoid, and that's what he told himself every single time he thought about it up until the point came where he couldn't deny it anymore. It would've been less embarrassing if he'd finally gotten his head out of his arse, but they had been talking about the Order, and when James asked if he was planning on joining, Sirius replied, "Why the bloody hell would I do that?"
Thrown, James said, "To... help people? The Ministry isn't stopping Voldemort; someone's got to."
"And you think it's going to be you."
"I think it's going to be Dumbledore but that he can't fight a war by himself. He needs help." He watched Sirius roll his eyes like this was an annoyance and not a matter of life and death. "How can you not care about this? People are getting hurt every day, and we could do something to help them!"
"Yeah, that's real great for you, sweetheart," Sirius said, pressing a kiss to his cheek then pulling on his jacket. "If that's what you want to do, fine, but be careful about it. I don't want to get home to find you bleeding out on our couch."
James stared at him numbly as he left. He could've told Sirius that the best way to ensure James made it home unhurt was to be at his side, but that was too close to manipulating him for comfort. He wanted Sirius to do the right thing because he wanted to, not because James guilted him into it.
Sirius didn't care who was dying. He just... didn't care. He didn't want James hurt, but that was pretty normal for them. Back at Hogwarts, Sirius had been more upset about that time James had broken his leg than he'd been by Snape's death. For Snape, Sirius had had that one week where he was carefully projecting being upset. When James hurt his leg, Sirius was still bringing it up two months later, and it wasn't idle teasing.
That had been his first major clue: that Sirius didn't give a shit about the war. The second major clue was a night that Sirius came home like the cat that caught the canary, and the next day the murder of Walburga and Orion Black was splashed across the front page of The Daily Prophet.
James was shaking when he slapped it down in front of Sirius. He didn't know if he was shaking with fear or anger. Probably both. "Did you do this?"
Sirius very calmly folded the paper back up and set it to the side. "See Jamie, why would you ask a question that you don't want answered?" He got to his feet and pressed a soft kiss to the top of James's head.
James hoped that he was going to say something reassuring like 'it will never happen again', but he wasn't really surprised when it was something that made his stomach fall even further.
"I don't want you to be upset. Just don't think about it," Sirius murmured. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to James's cheek, then his mouth. "I love you, and that's all that matters."
James wanted to say that no, there was more to their lives than this, but he swallowed it down. He'd failed. At some point, he'd failed Sirius. He should've been able to stop this from happening. Sirius got angry and James had told him that he had every right to be angry; he didn't temper that rage at all-- if anything, he'd fanned the flames until it was overtaking the entire house. You deserve better; they'll never hurt you again; you're too good to deal with any of this shite. Over and over throughout the years, James had told him that he was justified and the best person on the planet. He'd made this mess, and he owed it to Sirius to stick with him and try to solve this. So instead of begging Sirius to think about this, he nodded and said, "Yeah, I love you too."