Work Text:
He was working on a set of warrants for a rape/homicide, trying to finish up for the day when his phone rang. “Barba,” he answered quickly, setting his pen down.
“Rafa.” Her voice was soft, solemn, and he immediately knew something was wrong. “It’s Liv.”
He felt his stomach tighten, awaiting whatever news she was bringing. “What’s wrong? Is he okay?”
He heard her sigh. Of all people, Liv knew that his family was his weak spot. He suddenly had the objective thought that he didn’t envy her right now. Whatever she was calling to tell him, she was in a horrible spot. “He’s going to be okay,” she finally answered, and it seemed like forever for her to gather her thoughts. “When we got to Cole, he had taken Quinn hostage. He pulled a gun on Sonny, had it to his forehead. Cole’s dead, I got him, but I know Carisi well enough to know this is gonna be hard for him. He wouldn’t really talk with me about it, just said something about how he knew he’d hug Marlene extra tight tonight.” She paused. “I don’t like to share private concerns about my detectives. But I thought you should know…”
“Thank you.” He felt it come out in a rush of breath. “Where is he now? Do you know when he’ll be home?”
“His shift ends at seven. I tried to get him to leave early, but he refused, said he had to finish the paperwork anyway. Rafa, if he needs anything, if he needs time off--”
“I know. I’ve got it.” Rafael closed his eyes and rested his forehead in his hand. “Thanks Liv. For everything.”
“No problem.” He heard the click of the phone, then sat there quietly for several minutes more. Finally, he hung up the phone, gathered his papers into his attache, and got ready to leave for the day.
***
“Here we are, sweetheart.” Rafael eased Marley into the bathtub. It was just past seven, and he hadn’t heard from Sonny. He’d fed Marley a simple dinner and they had taken Pru for her evening walk. Now it was bathtime. He was trying to stay focused on his daughter and the tasks at hand to avoid the worry he felt every time he thought of Sonny. He had a habit of wanting to mother his husband, of trying to take care of him excessively, to the point that they had argued over it several times lately. Sonny felt that Rafael tried to protect him from his own feelings too much; that he treated him as though he were fragile. For his part, Rafael just wanted Sonny to know how much he was loved, how precious he was, It wasn’t that Rafael thought Sonny couldn’t handle trauma, he just didn’t want him to have to handle it alone.
“Wight, Papi?” Marlene was looking at him, head tilted in a question, but he had absolutely no idea what she had said.
“I’m sorry, nina. What was that?”
Marlene sighed, and Rafael recognized the sound. She’d clearly learned that one from him. “I just said dat you’re gonna wead to me and Pru if Daddy isn’t here. After my baf, wight? Pru wants to wead Cloudy Wif A Chance of Meatballs , otay?”
He smiled at his little girl. “Of course, sweetheart. That’s fine. Why don’t you tip your head back and I’ll wash your hair?”
Bathtime was something that Sonny usually did when he was home. Rafael would be in the kitchen, cleaning up from the dinner his husband usually made, while Sonny bathed Marlene. He’d listen to their conversations and laugh along with them. Sonny was apparently very funny at bathtime as far as Marlene was concerned, and it wasn’t unusual for the laughter of a nearly-forty year old man and a four-year old girl to fill the house. Then he took over for bedtime, reading a story and singing Spanish lullabies. When she was a baby, Rafael held Marlene and rocked her for hours, singing softly, and Sonny would take a seat in a chair in the darkened room and just listen. He swore he fell even more in love with his husband on those nights.
Twenty minutes later, Marlene was in clean pajamas and climbing into bed. “Here, Papi,” she said, handing him the book. “C’mon Pru, wittle baby!” she called, and a moment later the tiny pug was waddling into the bedroom and trying to climb into the bed. Rafael helped boost her up.
He read quietly, listening at the same time for the front door to open and Sonny to be home, but all he heard was the occasional snorty breathing from Pru as the dog began to doze off. A few minutes later, Marlene’s eyes were closed too, and he clicked off the light on her nightstand.
“Papi.” Her tiny hand grabbed his wrist and her eyes were open again, watching him carefully.
“It’s okay,” he told her. “It’s time to sleep. I love you, sweetheart. See you in the morning.”
As he leaned forward to kiss her, she whispered, “Will you tell Daddy I said I wove him?”
He nodded, biting his tongue to keep his eyes from welling up. It was after eight and still no Sonny. “Of course I will, princesa. Goodnight.”
He crossed the hallway and entered the bathroom to pick it up. Shutting the door, he gave himself a moment to tear up, to worry, to wonder if it was time to reach out to Sonny or not. As he was making a deal with himself that he would text him at nine, he heard the front door open and close. He sat there for a moment, frozen, then quickly picked up the dirty clothes and tossed them in the hamper before making his way to the front room.
No Sonny here or in the adjoining kitchen. The only place left was the bedroom, so Rafael headed that way cautiously, unsure of what he would find.
“Sonny?” He opened the bedroom door quietly but saw only the ensuite light on, and the sound of running water from the sink. Rafael followed the light into the bathroom, and found Sonny standing with his hands on the edge of the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. His eyes looked heavy, lids baggy. His shirt was unbuttoned to the third button, and there was blood on the inside of the collar. A matching smear of blood was on Sonny’s neck, and another behind his ear, smattering a bit of his hair.
It took a moment before Sonny’s eyes focused on him, but when they did, Rafael watched as his husband’s chest visibly shook, expanding and collapsing quickly, and a soft, high whine escaped. The shaking spread to his entire body and Sonny’s head dipped down. For a second, Rafael thought the man was going to collapse.
“Sonny.” His arms wrapped around the taller man as Sonny shook and sank. Rafael pulled Sonny with him, landing himself on the toilet seat with Sonny seated across his thighs. Clutching his body tightly, unsure of what else to do, he began to murmur every comfort that came to him. “It’s okay, querido, it’s okay,” he soothed, rubbing his husband’s back with his palm. “Shh, baby...I’m right here. You’re okay.” Sonny’s face was pressed into his shoulder, a high pitched cry escaping every few seconds. “You’re safe, my sweet love, we’re all safe now. It’s okay, mi sol.” Rafael continued to stroke his back, and finally, slowly, Sonny’s cries lessened until they became occasional gasps of air. They stayed like that for several minutes, Rafael’s hand lightly moving up and down over Sonny’s back, and Sonny occasionally shuddering and gasping for a breath.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” The words were soft, against his ear, and Rafael felt his own eyes fill with tears at the fear of such arbitrary loss. This morning he’d grabbed a piece of toast and his coffee thermos on the way out, barely kissing his husband and daughter in the mad rush, and tonight, only by a miracle was he holding him. He felt a pang of guilt for how easily he sometimes took his family for granted. “He had it pressed to my forehead, Rafael. I could feel the cool temperature of the metal. And all I could think was, I’m not ready to leave them yet.”
Rafael cupped Sonny’s face in his hands gently. “And you didn’t,” he murmured softly. “You’re here and you’re okay. You came home. You made it. I love you, Sonny. I love you so damn much.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sonny’s dry, chapped mouth over and over again in quick succession, then let their foreheads lean together. Resting his forehead against his husband’s, Rafael whispered, “Will you let me take care of you tonight? I know how you feel about it, that you can handle it, but--”
“Yes,” Sonny murmured, before choking on tears again, “Please, Rafi. Yes.”
Rafael nodded, then kissed Sonny’s forehead, cheeks, temples, mouth. Then he encouraged Sonny to stand so he could undress him, guiding him into the shower.
The heated water was relaxing, and Rafael gently washed Sonny’s hair before scrubbing the blood away from his skin. He continued all over Sonny’s body, cleansing him thoroughly, then turned off the water. After grabbing towels, he dried each of them off and led Sonny to the bed.
“Here you are.” Rafael slid a fresh pair of boxers up Sonny’s damp legs, then helped pull a tee shirt over his head. “Better?” he asked, quickly dressing himself.
Sonny shuddered involuntarily, but nodded. “Yes.”
“How about something to eat?” He knelt at Sonny’s feet, resting his hands on Sonny’s knees. “I haven’t eaten either...I can make sandwiches, or we could order something---”
“Just sandwiches are fine,” Sonny ran a finger back and forth on Rafael’s hand. “I think while you do that, I’m going to go peek in on Marley, okay?”
“Sure.” Rafael helped Sonny to his feet before hugging him again. “She wanted me to tell you she loves you. She said, ‘Will you tell Daddy that I love him?’ She adores you, honey. She needs you as much as I do, Son…”
There was a quiet moment once more as both men held each other closely, chests pressed firmly together, only their breathing to be heard. Rafael felt Sonny’s hand stroking his hair and his back, and for the first time all night he felt as if he could breathe again.
“Daddy?” Rafael pulled back to see Marley’s tiny hand tugging on Sonny’s waistband. “Daddy, you’re here! I misseded you!”
Sonny let go of his husband and picked up his little girl. “You missed me, honey? I missed you so much, Marley Mae.” He squeezed her little body close and kissed her damp curls. “So much,” he whispered.
“Yeah, Daddy. Me and Pru was so sad when you didn’t come home for dinner. So was Papi. He didn’t say so but I see his eyes were sad.” She kissed Sonny’s temple again. “But now they’re happy! ‘Cause we’re all together, wight Papi?”
“You’re absolutely right, princesa,” he said, then kissed both his husband and his little girl. “Daddy and I are going to have a late dinner. Would you like a little sandwich too, baby?”
Marlene looked thoughtful. “Um, tan I have a sandwich wif cookies and ice cweam?”
Sonny chuckled as Rafael nodded. “I think we can make that happen. In fact, that might be a good sandwich for everyone. Son?”
“Sounds good to me.” Smiling gently at Rafael, he nudged his arm. “Thank you for taking care of me. I needed this tonight. I know I’ll need more moving forward, but for tonight…” He put Marlene down and watched as she skipped toward the kitchen. “For tonight, this is all I need.”
***
“Well, this is lovely.” Liv examined the vase of flowers on her desk. Pulling her chair closer in, she smiled. “Thank you, of course, but you know this isn’t necessary.”
Rafael sat across from her, twisting slightly in the chair. “Bullshit,” he replied, crossing his arms. “You saved my husband’s life. There honestly isn’t a big enough gift for that, so you’ll have to accept the flowers in lieu of, I don’t know, any firstborn or whatever.”
She chuckled, stroking the petals of a daisy. “How’s he doing, anyway? I understand he’ll be back in a couple of days?”
“Yeah. I insisted he take a mental health day. He’s searching for a therapist and spending a little time with Marley’s preschool class as a volunteer reader. He loves being around the kids, and of course, she’s immensely proud of him. She told me this morning that he can even read pages with no pictures.”
Laughing together, Rafael said again, “Truly, Liv, thank you. Thank you for everything. I don’t know what I would do without him. Hopefully I’ll never find out.”
Liv nodded, then reached out and squeezed his hand. “God willing,” she said.