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Xiao Zhan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The air is completely different here, even the warmth of the sunlight on his face feels different. He exhales heavily, and imagines all his worries leaving him with it.
He looks up to the clear skies of Japan. It seems to promise a good day ahead.
"Xiao Zhan ah!" His friend Kai Kai calls after him.
Xiao Zhan smiles apologetically and catches up to him. They have been friends since their university days, and Xiao Zhan is glad that he had agreed to go to Japan together easily.
The street bustles with people. None of them spares them more than a second glance as they wade their way through the crowd.
It's liberating. He has almost forgotten how it feels to be able to walk around so freely when there used to be eyes bearing down on him constantly.
His phone buzzes with a new message and he takes it out of his pocket immediately.
It is another automated message from a Japanese telecommunication company promoting their data plan, and he stifles his disappointment.
He opens the chat between Yi Bo and him. It had been weeks since their last message, and his thumbs linger above the keyboard for a long moment before he decides to put his phone away.
-
The tension in the air is palpable, and try as they might to ignore its presence, it weighs heavily on their shoulders still.
Even the crew is aware, and Xiao Zhan is embarrassed and grateful at the same time when he notices how they step away from the both of them whenever they could so that the both of them could have more time together, for who knows when they will have a chance like this ever again?
Yi Bo laughs at something beside him. The sun is blistering hot like usual, and the umbrellas do little to shade them from the heat. The crew busies themselves around them, making sure their makeup stays intact and their wigs untangled, and accompanied by the sound of cicadas in the forest it makes for a boisterous scene. The smell of sweat, of fresh grass, of the unique scent of Yi Bo's perfume and repellent and sunblock all mixed into one mingles in the air.
Xiao Zhan wipes away another bead of sweat off his forehead carefully and swats at a fly that buzzes its way near the both of them.
These are the things Xiao Zhan has become accustomed to in his four months of filming Chen Qing Ling.
Xiao Zhan can't help but smile at Yi Bo's laugh. He wonders if this might be the last time he will ever see Yi Bo laugh like this, unreserved and childlike.
Yi Bo turns towards him before he could look away, and his laugh peters away as soon as he sees the tears in Xiao Zhan's eyes.
They stare at each other for a long moment, before Yi Bo tugs at the corner of his sleeve gently.
Don't cry, he mouths at him.
Xiao Zhan tries his best to muster a smile if only for Yi Bo's sake.
-
Climbing up the whirlwind of stairs at the Hakone Open Air museum reminds him of the time he and Yi Bo had to climb up and down the multitude of steps at Jin Lin Tai for countless of takes where Wei Wu Xian and Lan Wang Ji escape hand in hand.
He remembers the strength in Yi Bo's grip as he held onto his wrist, of the laughter that had bubbled its way out of the both of them beyond their control each time they spared a glance at each other.
His chest squeezes tight and painful when he thinks of how he might never be able to taste that same kind of happiness again.
A myriad of colored glass surrounds him on all sides as he climbs up and above. It is bright and dizzying, but when he reaches the top everything becomes clear as it dissolves into a view of the landscape: the vibrant green of the trees rustle gently in the wind, the line of mountains in the distance juts audaciously towards the blue of the sky, the chimneys of quaint houses nestled in the corners of the valley pop wisps of smoke to join the cotton clouds above them.
It snatches his breath away. He turns around with Yi Bo's name on his lips, but there is nothing but empty space beside him.
-
Just as they are given a break, Xiao Zhan walks off quickly before Yi Bo could follow after him.
Crew members mill around in all corners of the filming site, and with nowhere else to go without someone spotting him, he could only bundle himself into his car.
He slams the door shut. The car is quiet and cool from being parked under the shade, a temporary respite from the noise and heat outside. He drops his face into his hands and the tears he has held back pours itself into them.
He doesn't want this to end.
The things he would do for this summer to last forever.
-
He had thought that going to Japan would allow him to escape everything related to Wang Yi Bo, but everywhere he goes seem to remind him of him.
"I never knew you skateboarded," Kai Kai muses when he sees him take another photo of a skateboard displayed in the store window.
"The design's nice," Xiao Zhan says defensively.
When he gets back to his hotel, he chooses a few of the nicest pictures, including a photo of the scenery he took back at the museum.
He spends the whole night composing a message before he decides to delete them all in the end.
-
After taking the necessary photos with the crew to celebrate the end of filming, it is already late into the night.
As the crew left to pack the site up, both of them are the only ones who remained on the roof.
Their legs dangle over the edge, and all is silent except for the sound of their breathing. The night is hot and heavy, and so is the tension in the air. This is the conversation both of them had been expecting and dreading for a long time to come.
"Xiao Zhan ah," Yi Bo says.
"Hm?" Xiao Zhan turns towards him.
"Xiao Zhan," Yi Bo repeats. His eyes are steady on him, "I like you."
Xiao Zhan does not look away. "I know," he says, before sighing heavily. "But Yi Bo…"
"But you don't know if you like me or Lan Wang Ji." Yi Bo fiddles with the flaps on his costume. Yi Bo nods, "I know."
Xiao Zhan frowns. "Yi Bo," he says gently, "you can never be mistaken to be Lan Wang Ji to me."
Yi Bo's eyes widen in surprise.
"But," he continues carefully, "I don't know if my feelings for you are from acting as Wei Wu Xian or my own." He pauses. "You know I have never liked a guy before, so I…I need time to sort these feelings out."The underlying meaning is clear. I need to know whether what I feel for you is real.
"I'm sorry," Xiao Zhan says truthfully.
"Don't apologize," Yi Bo says. His hand moves instinctively to touch Xiao Zhan's arm before pulling back.
"It's okay," Yi Bo forces a smile. "I expected this," he says, even as his eyes grow wet with tears.
-
Both of them stumble across a huge crowd. Cosplayers, photographers, or just people dressed head to toe in merchandise can be seen even from a far distance.
"There's an anime event going on!" Kai Kai exclaims excitedly. Knowing that Xiao Zhan is a fellow anime fan himself, he does not hesitate to drag him along. "Let's go!"
If Xiao Zhan thought it was crowded outside, it cannot compare to the amount of people cramped inside the exhibition hall. Both of them squeeze through the press of bodies in the narrow space between booths. Art of various anime characters line the booths on both sides and even above them. The din of voices echoes so loudly in the enclosed space that both of them have to shout at each other to be heard.
Xiao Zhan comes to a halt in front of a booth. Situated at the corner of the hall, the space in front of it is blessedly devoid of people besides them. At its side, a humongous wall scroll of Wei Wu Xian hangs from ceiling to floor. Proud and tall with Chen Qing in his hands, his fiery red eyes seem to track Xiao Zhan's every movement.
Kai Kai whistles beside him. "Isn't that the character from the drama you just filmed?"
Xiao Zhan does not hear him.
He is standing one step away from Wei Wu Xian, but yet he feels there is a vast distance between the both of them.
-
The rain pours all of a sudden without warning.
Both of them run towards the nearest shelter. They hide under the awning of a convenience store and watches the concrete pavement gradually pool with a layer of rainwater above.
Kai Kai passes him a tissue and Xiao Zhan thanks him as he dries himself as best as he can.
Laughter pierces the air. A couple donned in their raincoats and boots stomp on puddles along the street, grinning triumphantly each time it splatters onto their significant other.
It had rained when they were filming. The numbers of time it did were so few that Xiao Zhan could have counted it all on one hand. It was in the brunt of the summer that they filmed Chen Qing Ling after all. And so no one had expected the sudden downpour as everyone rushed to hide in the nearby buildings.
It had been a hot summer night, and the rain had cooled the air tremendously. They had leaned against the wooden balustrade, stretching their hands out to catch the raindrops on them. It fell for a long time, an unusual occurrence, and both of them had spent the time talking to the sound of the rain pattering onto the roof above them.
Xiao Zhan stretches his hand from under the convenience store. The raindrops fall cold and heavy in his palm.
-
Xiao Zhan tosses and turns in bed for a long time before he finally decides to give up on sleep.
He moves quietly to sit by the window, careful not to wake his friend up.
The moon reflects its luminescent light on him, casting the plane of his face in light. Pressing his cheek against the cool of the glass, he looks out to the bright lights of Tokyo below him.
People as tiny as toothpicks tour the streets below while matchbox-sized cars zoom on the roads. Above, the pollution from the city has made the sky a murky darkness with no stars in sight.
He huddles his knees to his chest.
He thinks of the night both of them had sat on the roof and watched the stars on Yi Bo's birthday. They were bright and numerous that day, and the stars seem to wink down at the both of them as if witnesses to the unspoken thing blossoming between them.
He can feel the truth, twisting and turning its way inside of him like vines climbing their way up a drywall.
He turns away from the window. He is not ready to come to terms with it yet.
-
They are eating in a restaurant when a group of people at a table behind them burst out in song. A waiter carries out a cake from the kitchen towards their table and the crowd claps in celebration for the birthday boy.
Xiao Zhan looks at his plate, and after a moment, he pushes it away.
"Are you not going to eat that?" Kai Kai asks with a hopeful expression on his face.
"No," he says, wrinkling his nose. "You can have it."
"You sure?" Kai Kai asks even as he takes his plate. "I remember you wanted to come to this restaurant when we were planning out the itinerary."
On Yi Bo's birthday, Xiao Zhan had finished filming first, and when he had changed out of his costume Yi Bo had dragged him by the arm and made him eat the first piece of his birthday cake, and when he was finished, the second. You're going to make me fat, he remembers lamenting to Yi Bo. Yi Bo had grinned and said, how else was I going to keep you here with me?
Xiao Zhan shrugs his shoulders at Kai Kai. "I lost my appetite all of a sudden."
-
A siren blares its way down the road as an ambulance drives past them.
He halts.
"Xiao Zhan?" Kai Kai turns back to him worriedly.
The siren had been deafening loud that day the ambulance carried an unconscious Yi Bo away, and Xiao Zhan could only watch on until it disappeared from sight.
Yi Bo had passed out in the dressing room and no matter how much Xiao Zhan and Yi Bo's assistant had shaken him, he could not be roused at all.
Unable to leave the filming site until he finished filming his scenes, he had rushed to the hospital only to see Yi Bo unconscious still with a drip beside him.
Overwork, the nurse had informed him.
He thought of how his heart had leaped out of his chest when Yi Bo could not be waken up, how his thoughts had only revolved around plausible reasons for his sudden condition and his fervent hope that it was nothing serious. So caught up was he that the number of bad takes he had that day left even the director frustrated, and how his heart had never stopped pounding in his chest the entire time until he saw Yi Bo again.
The truth looms closer with every step he takes, and this time, he lets himself plod on steadily towards it.
-
Xiao Zhan shields his eyes from the sun as he looks to the far distance. The wind roars in his ears, and he leans against the railings of the ferry as he savors the view. He can almost taste the salty tang of the ocean on his tongue.
It glistens under the sunlight, bright and alluring. He catches the occasional school of fish swimming below, their streamline bodies dancing underneath the sea as their scales reflect the dazzling sun.
Seawater splashes up the side of the boat, almost wetting his shoes, and another memory comes to mind. This time, he welcomes it.
The water in the river had been a murky green, dragonflies buzzing around its perimeter while water striders glided lazily along its surface much to Yi Bo's aghast. Frazzled from the heat and the lack of sleep, it was only just a matter of time before they began bickering with each other once more.
The argument had dragged on in that dreadful summer heat, from quips to jabs laced in sarcasm and concealed honesty, both of them toeing along the edge, pulling back immediately when their words might have been too harsh in fear it will ruin the uncertain nature of their relationship then. And only because he was irritated that Yi Bo had raised his voice at him earlier, and Yi Bo because he was upset he had not been able to see Xiao Zhan for days as he filmed another drama.
Xiao Zhan throws his head back with laughter. They had been so silly.
A seagull squawks as it soars past Xiao Zhan, and he follows its movement until he could see it no longer as it vanishes into the bright glare of the midday sun.
He had come to Japan to escape from it all, but maybe Yi Bo had already found a home in his heart.
-
He checks out of the hotel, lugging his heavy luggage behind him down the stairs before dropping it with a thump on the streets.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. This time, he lets it all in.
The chill in the air breathes its way down to his lungs. It will be autumn soon, but the thought of it doesn't leave him with a sinking feeling in his chest anymore, for with each coming season it will usher in a new set of memories to be cherished.
He looks up to the clear skies of Japan. It is time to say goodbye.
-
When he touches down in Beijing, he sends the first message to Yi Bo in weeks.
I miss you, it says.