Chapter Text
Anne sighed as she heard yet another knock on the front door. Surely another suitor had come to see one of her classmates.
She was unspeakably happy for her friends, but she couldn’t help but feel slightly bitter about her own situation. Selfishly, Anne wished she got to see Gilbert as often as her friends saw their own beau’s.
Beau.
She scoffed at herself. She and Gilbert hadn’t even officially started courting yet. Realistically, she knew he was only a few provinces away, but sometimes the distance seemed impossibly large. Anne had spoken to him about her excitement on being able to go to tea together and travel the streets of Charlottetown and Avonlea arm in arm. Gilbert in turn had relayed his own excitement, but had also taken her wishes for the future as a desire to postpone their courtship.
She hadn’t seen the reason in correcting him. Afterall, they still wrote to each other weekly and there was no rush to start anything new when they wouldn’t be seeing each other until the summer break. Anne had prayed beyond all hope that he would be able to come home for Christmas, but his studies had kept him much too busy. Bash, Dellie and Hazel had opted to go and visit him in Ontario, so he wouldn’t be alone. Gilbert had written to her about how dreadfully sorrowful he was about not being able to make her company over the holiday’s. She had understood of course, but that didn’t make her pining for him lessen in any way.
Anne was also beginning to feel a little self conscious. Sure, it had been her own fault that he believed she wanted to wait, but at the time she hadn’t seen the point in refuting it and as more time went on she felt more and more that it was too late to broach the subject. It is a well known fact that she and Gilbert’s communication skills when it comes to their feelings has never been their strong suit.
Most recently he had seemed more distant to her. Anne supposed it was a natural progression. Gilbert was far away from home, new people and places to see. She knew the inevitability of his emotional distance from Avonlea. Perhaps it had been his home once, but he travelled the world and saw many wonderful things; maybe once he left again he realized how very insignificant to his life it was. Afterall, he had been ready to leave it all behind before the end of summer.
Anne tried to ignore the tugging at her heart when she thought of him perhaps never coming back, or having no reason to. She shook her head. Now is not the time to go into a tailspin on something you’re not certain of. Besides, if not for you, he would come back for Sebastian and Delphine.
Nonetheless, Gilbert always responded enthusiastically to her tales of Charlottetown, begging for more details in each letter she wrote. However, most recently, she had regaled him with a story of her exploits with the girls and some of the boys from Avonlea. She’d told him how Moody had brought along his new friend Royal Gardner, someone Anne already considered to be a kindred spirit. He had such a love for poetry and big words, she felt as though they were destined to be friends.
After she had sent him this letter, his response had been rather terse in comparison to his previous engagements with her stories. Perhaps he was just busy with school? The second term was already fast approaching it’s midway point, so Anne understood that the workload would be beginning to pile up.
That had been nearly a month ago and his letters had yet to return to normal.
Her reasoning never stopped her mind from wandering. Gilbert had admitted his feelings to her, kissed her with fervour and looked upon her with adoration in his eyes. His gaze had been so filled with unbelievable happiness, she thought him capable of flight. Gilbert’s incredulity and elation of her own reciprocated feelings had been unmatched. Later, in his own letters, clarity was shed on just how long he had waited to embrace her the way he did that fateful day in Charlottetown.
No matter how much reassurance she had from the handsome boy who held her heart, Anne still had doubts that she would ever be good enough for him. She had spent nearly her entire life being told how plain and annoying she was. Even on her strongest days she sometimes struggled to refute these ideas, especially when it came to romance; she had little to offer in looks or wealth. Gilbert had found someone as spectacular as Winifred before, who was to say he wouldn’t be able to do so again?
Their lengthy correspondence had not yet given way to them confessing many of their feelings. Anne was so in love with Gilbert Blythe that she was ready to climb to the very top of aunt Josephine’s marvelous home and scream it into the heavens. She was so undeniably enamoured with him that there were times she struggled to focus in class. Anne had not yet revealed herself as meticulously to him because she feared she would scare him away. They had talked about liking each other, there had been no word of loving just yet.
Anne sighed in frustration. This has been going on for far too long. I want him to know how I feel; I want him to court me; I want us to be equals and I don’t want to have to hide how truly wonderful I believe him to be.
Tired of the miscommunication and the relentless doubt she had been experiencing, Anne took out her finest stationery, her beloved pen and began writing to Gilbert without restriction.
My dearest Gilbert,
I pine for the sweet release of winter once spring begins to sprinkle its life over the island once more. Do not mistake me, I have love for all the seasons, but one can only bare the cold of Canadian winters for so long before they require reprieve. Not only do I long for spring and its promise of warmth, but I also crave its arrival for it means I am so much closer to seeing you. I ache for the days I will be able to hold you in my embrace again. Scandalously, I admit to thinking of getting to kiss you again. I do understand I waited sixteen years for it to occur, but it was well worth my patience because it was you.
I feel I must unburden myself with the truth. When I wrote to you all those months ago about our future endeavours I did not intend for you to take it as my proposal to postpone. Frankly, I’ve been ready for you to court me for years. Unfortunately, that revelation only occurred shortly before we were forced apart by confusion and circumstance. Though those weeks of pining and dreadful unrequited feelings (though I know now were actually reciprocated) were some of the most torturous of my life, I would not change them for the world.
They gave me you Gilbert Blythe.
Not in my wildest and most intricate dreams would I have conjured you up. Your kind heart and resilient spirit. The love you have for others is boundless and deep and you see the world not for what it is, but what it could be. You have seen so much of it and still came back to Avonlea, came back to me. With you, came Bash and then Mary and Delphine. You allowed Matthew, Marilla and I into your home and your family. Exuberance does not begin to describe your wonderful spirit and kind nature. Even after years of me losing my temper at you and doing my very best to keep those feelings, I had so long denied, at bay; you never gave up on me.
You, Gilbert Blythe are not my knight in shining armour; you are so much more, you are everything I love. The wind that whistles through the trees is the song you hum while enraptured by a book; the golden sun is the kindness in your beautiful hazel eyes and its warmth your strong embrace; the pale white of the Snow Queens flowers in the spring is your inviting smile. I could list everything I love about you, but this letter would be far too long to bear. Because I do…
I love you Gilbert. I’m in love with you and I am tired of dancing around this truth. I feel we have wasted far too much time already. We both know how precarious life can be and I refuse to spend any more length of time in a world where you do not understand the depths of my affection for you. My deepest apologies if this does frighten you, but it needed to be said.
I will admit this letter was partially bread out of frustration. Not at you, but myself for waiting so long to reveal myself. We know my imagination runs wild, especially in times of lengthy silence. But now that I have written it all down for your lovely eyes to gaze upon, I may rest easy knowing that someone has expressed how increadibly wonderful you are.
I most eagerly await your response.
With love from the deepest depths of my heart,
Anne Shirley Cuthbert
She smiled to herself as she folded the letter neatly. It would arrive to him in approximately a weeks time. As she descended the stairs in her boarding house and handed the letter to the mailman, she felt a wait lift off her shoulders.
Gilbert will finally know how I feel.
Anne’s letter arrived on the last Friday of January.
Gilbert anxiously ripped open the envelope as he waited to see what his Anne had written this time; she was always so eloquent with her correspondence. Perhaps another wild Charlottetown adventure? His mood quickly turned sour as he thought of the possibility of Royal Gardner making another appearance in his beloved’s letters. He admits to being a little more cross in his own as of late. Not with intention, but each time he would sit down to excitedly write her a letter, the image of her with a tall, dark, handsome, and wealthy stranger would fill his thoughts. A life he would never be able to provide for her laid out before him. Gilbert would always smile bitterly at the irony of the situation. He supposes this is how she must have felt during his courtship with Winnie. If only she had known that his heart had always belonged to her. He wasn’t entirely sure if the sentiment was shared.
Anne Shirly Cuthbert was not truly his... yet (or ever really, they would be equals, not commodities).
Gilbert admits to being a little crushed when she had revealed her desire to withhold on their courtship for a while. He had been eager to start, the years of pining had turned him into a desperately lovesick fool. The thought of not being able to proudly walk the streets of town with the most magnificent woman he would ever come to know on his arm, was difficult to bare.
However, he had waited this long for her, what was a few more months?
Unless Roy gets to her heart first.
Gilbert shook his head. No. Stop. She is not yours to claim and she may choose the favour of whomever she desires. If that is no longer you, then so be it. You love her enough to respect her decision.
That was another fatal flaw he had made. He still had yet to confess his truest feelings to her…
He was desperately in love with Anne Shirley Cuthbert and he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life showing her.
Gilbert stopped his mind from wandering any farther and decided to brighten his mood with her letter.
….
Once he had read it and re-read it twice, he still sat dumbfounded at his desk.
Anne loves me
Anne loves me
ANNE LOVES ME!!!
Gilbert shot to his feet, no longer able to contain his elation. They both loved each other. His doubts from earlier had faded into obscurity. He made the resolute decision that he needed to get to Charlottetown as soon as possible.
I need to see Anne.