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“I mean, come on Buck, fuck ,” Eddie yells, “What do you want me to say?!” He’d maybe feel a little bad for yelling, if Buck wasn’t right there with him, giving it back. Honestly, he thinks maybe they needed this, to let out some of the anger that’s been building since it became apparent how little regard Buck has for his own safety.
“Eddie, give it a fucking rest! You’re not in charge of me, it was my choice, and I know it was the right one. It doesn’t matter what you think, it’s my life!” That stings, even if Eddie would never admit it. What, he’s just supposed to let Buck run his life into the ground and die because he doesn’t give a shit? No, tough luck, Eddie cares enough for the both of them, and he’s not letting Buck do that.
“Maybe if you cared about what I thought you’d end up in the hospital less,” Eddie says. He’s planning on saying more, because this argument is far from over, but the next few seconds happen very quickly. He brings a hand up, with the intention of running his fingers through his hair in frustration, but before it actually makes it to his head, Buck flinches back. He stumbles a little, tripping over the edge of the coffee table and going down hard, hands thrown up in front of his face. His head bangs off of the windowsill, and Eddie’s just standing there frozen, his hand still hovering around shoulder height. He snaps out of it when Buck doesn’t move from where he’s settled, curled up on the floor, back against the wall. He takes two steps towards him before he realizes Buck’s hands are shaking where they’re wrapped around his knees. All of Eddie’s anger drains out of him. Well, maybe not all of it. This is definitely a conversation they’ll need to revisit later, but Eddie shoves it all in a box for the sake of taking care of Buck right now. Eddie reaches out to him, but Buck just curls up tighter.
“Don't touch me.” He says roughly, and Eddie yanks his hand back. This is… out of Eddie’s wheelhouse. He doesn’t know what to do. Buck’s always thrived on physical affection, craved it, even if it had taken him a minute to accept the fact that he could have it from the team whenever he wanted. At least he’s conscious, although the medic part of Eddie’s brain that never shuts up is rambling about a concussion. He can’t see any blood though, and it’s not like he can touch him to make sure. He needs to get Buck to calm down, to relax a little, so he can make sure he’s alright.
After another minute of just
standing
there, Eddie realizes that he’s kind of towering over Buck. He sits down next to him instead, mirroring his posture with his back pressed against the wall. He leaves a couple inches of space between them though, carefully not touching any part of Buck, no matter how much he feels like that’s the only way he knows how to provide comfort. This isn’t about what Eddie’s feeling like right now. They sit in silence for a few seconds longer before Eddie clears his throat. Buck is clearly stuck in his head somewhere, whether it's just in a loop of negative thinking, or reliving something from his past, and Eddie needs to pull him out. Give him something to hold on to.
“Chris is supposed to come up with a science project to present at the end of the year.” Buck doesn’t say anything, but his breathing slows down, just a little.
“He decided he wanted to do something with catching shit on fire to see how long it burns and what color flame it has, stuff like that. Of course, he decides he needs to enlist my help for this, and he wants me to get him some stuff from the firehouse to burn.” Eddie keeps talking, about Chris for as long as he can, but then he switches to theories about the tv show they’ve been watching.
Eventually, Buck uncurls a little, releasing his death grip on his jeans. He leans over a little, dropping his head down onto Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie stops breathing. He feels like if he does anything, whatever progress they’ve made is going to shatter into pieces, and Buck will be afraid of him again. The silence settles heavily around them, as Eddie stops talking for the first time in twenty minutes. He swallows, and then gently lays his head on top of Bucks. When he doesn’t move away, Eddie lets himself turn, pressing his nose into Buck’s hair and breathing deeply. The familiar clean Buck smell washes over him, mixed in with the coppery smell of blood.
Eddie’s eyes snap open.
“Buck,” he says, but Buck just hums a little. His head falls forward limply, chin to his chest. Dread settles heavy in his stomach. Eddie scrambles to his knees in front of him, running careful hands through his hair, trying to figure out where the smell is coming from. There , back of his head, there’s a gash across the base of his skull. Fuck, there’s blood all down the back of his shirt and the wall, soaking into the carpet.
“Fuck, hey Buck, you with me?” He says, and Buck sort of mumbles something, but he doesn’t move. Eddie gets a hand on his hip, keeping the other pressed tightly against the back of his head and spins him around a little so he can lay him down on the carpet. He yanks his shirt off, balling it up and putting it under Buck’s head. It’s dirty, but it’ll do the trick while he goes and gets actual supplies.
“Okay, stay here for a second,” Eddie says, like Buck’s gonna get up and run away in the time it takes Eddie to get the first aid bag out of his closet. On his way back he grabs his phone off the kitchen counter. He dials 911 and puts it on speaker, setting it on the floor next to Buck’s head. When the operator picks up he rattles off his address, tossing his shirt to the side and replacing it with a shit ton of gauze.
“My friend fell, and he hit his head on the windowsill. He’s got a head wound on the base of his skull, it’s been bleeding for around a half hour. Probable concussion.” One of his hands rests just under Buck’s jaw, keeping track of his pulse while the other presses against the gauze.
“Okay sir, help will be there soon. Is your friend breathing?” The guy on the other end asks.
“Yeah, he’s breathing, his pulse is steady, just a little slow. Listen I’m- I’m a paramedic, you don’t have to walk me through what to do, I just need an ambulance.” Eddie feels like he’s being a little bit of a dick, but he really doesn’t need the operator in his ear telling him to apply pressure and keep him awake.
“Cmon Buck,” He says, quieter, “Wake up for me, okay?” He takes the hand that was on his pulse and rubs his knuckles along Buck’s sternum. Buck groans a little, but his eyes open, and relief rushes through Eddie.
“Hey, there you go baby, just like that.”
“Sir,” the operator says, and Eddie definitely does not jump, “Can you tell me your name?”
“I’m Eddie Diaz, my friend is Evan Buckley.” One of Buck’s hands comes up, grabbing onto Eddie’s wrist.
“Eddie,” he says softly, the word going all fuzzy and soft around the edges like he’s drunk.
“Yeah, Buck I’m right here. Paramedics are on the way, just stay awake for me.”
“Got m’ medic righ here.” He says, patting Eddie’s wrist. He frowns as a tear drips off Eddie’s cheek onto his hand. “Eddie-”
“I’m- Buck, I’m so sorry,
fuck
, I swear I wasn’t- I wouldn’t- I’d never-” Eddie can’t make himself say it out loud. He needs Buck to know, he wouldn’t
ever
hit him, but his stupid brain won’t let his stupid mouth make the stupid words. Buck’s stupid eyes flutter closed again.
“Are you fucking kidding me,” Eddie mutters, voice thick with tears. He needs to pull it together. “Buck, wake up! Dispatch, how long on that ambulance?”
“Two minutes out. How’s he doing?”
“Pulse is still there but he’s non responsive.” Absently, Eddie notices it’s 2:30 pm. Chris’ll be getting out of school soon, and Eddie’s supposed to pick him up. Abuela’s out of town for once, visiting a friend, and Carla’s busy too. Fuck.
“Hey dispatch,” Eddie says, “You know Maddie? Buckley?”
“Aw fuck,” Dispatch says, “I knew I recognized that name.”
“Tell her to meet us at County, and that he’s going to be fine, alright?” He gets a vague affirmative noise. It sounds like the guy is cupping a hand over his mic in the way that dispatchers always think renders them unhearable but really only muffles them slightly as he calls for Maddie.
“LAFD!” Someone yells at the front door, and Eddie calls back for them to come in. The team rushes in, and by some miracle, Eddie doesn’t recognize any of them. He updates them on what happened while they get set up, and then he backs off. He really, really , doesn’t want to, and there’s still a bit of him yelling that he should be the one to do it, he needs to be the one taking care of Buck. But he knows he needs to let them work, and he needs to get everything else squared away. He grabs both their wallets, a new shirt for himself, and Buck’s phone while they’re getting him on the backboard and ready for transport. That just leaves Chris. Pepa is working, and so are Hen and Chimney. Eddie calls Bobby as he climbs into the back of the ambulance, grabbing onto Buck’s hand.
“Eddie, how’s your free afternoon going?” Bobby says, and Eddie breaths in and then just… doesn’t say anything. What is he supposed to say? Buck thinks I’m the kind of person who could hit him if I’m mad enough? And hey, Eddie knows that’s not fair. He knows how twisted up your brain can get, seeing danger where this isn’t any, just because seeing that danger is so deeply ingrained. And he knows Buck had problems with his parents, and yeah, he’d suspected they’d extended to this but Buck had never outright said it. He shouldn’t’ve had to.
“Eddie!” Bobby says with the kind of force that makes him suspect it’s not the first time he’d said it. There’s a definite layer of concern there too.
“I’m- Buck-” Eddie takes a deep breath and starts over. “Buck and I were arguing and he fell, we’re on the way to County right now. He might have a concussion- I don’t know how much of it was blood loss versus actual neurological damage.” Eddie listens to Bobby breath for a second before he says anything.
“What can I do?” He asks, and fuck if that’s not exactly what Eddie needs to hear right now.
“Chris’ school lets out in twenty minutes, can you pick him up and watch him? Just until Buck gets settled.”
“Yes, of course. I can take him back to your house-”
“No! No, shit there’s still blood everywhere.” Eddie’s brain is off the rails at that, thinking about how annoying it’ll be to get the blood out of the carpet, and how he’ll need to get more peroxide from the store.
Focus.
Bobby’s talking.
“-need me to call Maddie?”
“No, it’s ok, the dispatcher I talked to let her know already. Bobby, I gotta go, thank you so much, I’ll call you when I have an update.”
Eddie’s standing outside the doors to the emergency room when he realizes that he doesn’t know when he’d let go of Buck’s hand. He hadn’t even been paying attention to what the paramedics had been saying on the ride over. Had Buck woken up? No, right? Eddie would have noticed. Would he have? Fuck , too focused on all the wrong things, story of Eddie’s entire life. The only thing he’d needed to do was just be there for Buck and he’d fucked it up. Eddie’s medic brain knows Buck isn’t going to die, but his anxiety brain is terrified that Buck is going to die. If Buck dies, it’ll be his fault, and Eddie’ll have to transfer stations because no one will be able to trust him, and Chris’ll have to change schools and they’ll both lose their support systems and it’s all his fault.
He should go. Buck won’t want to see him, and Maddie’s already on the way, so he won’t be alone when he wakes up. Eddie turns to go and makes it two steps before he physically cannot. He can’t leave Buck alone. He just- he can’t.
“They said that he lost a lot of blood. More than makes sense for the wound, if you called 911 right away. I don't know- the blood thinners should be totally out of his system but maybe-”
“I didn’t call right away.” Eddie says. Maddie stops pacing and turns to look at him. Her arms are wrapped around herself like she’s freezing, and Eddie wants to reach out, to comfort her, but he doesn’t trust his hands anymore.
“What?”
“He’d been bleeding for a half hour before I called.” Eddie says and it feels like the biggest admission of guilt. He’d done this, this whole thing is his fucking fault. If he hadn’t been yelling, if he hadn’t moved like that, if he’d noticed the blood, if he’d made Buck let him check him over, if he’d been a better friend, if he’d if he’d if he'd. A billion universes, a billion ways this could have played out, and he gets the one where he did everything wrong.
“ Why ,” Maddie says, “What the hell Eddie?”
“He was having a panic attack, or a flashback, or something, he wouldn’t let me touch him. I didn’t see that he was bleeding until he passed out.”
“
Eddie
,” She says softly. She sits down in the chair next to him, but he doesn’t look up from the floor. It’s his fault. “What happened?”
“We were fighting. I was yelling, we both were. I went to,” He picks his hand up, remaking the motion, “Just to touch my hair, but he freaked out. Tripped over the coffee table trying to get away from me and hit his head on the windowsill. I was talking him down when he just. Slumped over.”
“ Eddie ,” Maddie says again and he hates this. It’s his fault, he doesn't deserve her soft looks, soft tone. He knows that she’s looking at him, trying to make eye contact. He stays slumped in the chair though, eyes on the floor. He just needs Buck to be okay. Just please let Buck be okay.
Buck’s just kind of been… drifting for a while when things start to sharpen. His eyes have been open the whole time, he’s just not been registering anything, but now he can see the bed he’s laying in, the IV in the back of his hand. He gets stuck for a second, just staring blankly at the lumps under the blanket until he realizes they’re his feet. He should have recognized that faster, probably. Fuck, his head is aching. What the hell happened? They’d been on a call, he’d gone back in to check one more time, he’d had a feeling. Eddie’d been so mad. Had he passed out? No, he remembered waking up in the hospital from that already. He’d gone home.
Eddie had taken him home. Oh, right, they were fighting. Buck lets his gaze wander over to the chair pulled up next to him, hoping it’s Eddie so he can… apologize? He was going to apologize, right? And now he’s in the hospital.
He’s in the hospital.
“Maybe if you cared about what I thought you’d end up in the hospital less!”
So much for that. Fuck they’d been so mad at each other. Eddie had. Eddie had raised his hand up. Buck knows he was just going to touch his hair, or rub his hand down his face, but it’d happened too fast, and Buck had been too wound up from the call and the hospital and the fight. He’d fallen, tripped over the coffee table or something. Everything gets fuzzy after that. Fuck, Eddie . Maddie’s the one in the chair, but she’s sleeping, and Eddie’s nowhere. Buck needs to find him. He needs to explain, he knows Eddie wouldn’t have- wasn’t trying to- there. Outside the little window in the door, he can just see the side of his head in the hallway. Buck swings his legs around to the side of the bed, and pushes himself up onto his feet. Stupid Eddie, so convinced Buck’s scared of him that he won’t be in the same room, but so concerned he won’t let him out of his sight. Getting up took a lot of energy, so Buck pauses, letting himself adjust. He grabs onto the IV stand, pulling it along with him. This way, no one can get mad at him for pulling his IV out. It’s a foolproof plan. Buck has to stare at the doorknob for a second before he can get his hand to turn it. Eddie looks up from where he’s leaning on the wall when he hears the door open.
“Buck! What are you-” Buck would really love to listen to Eddie talk, but he’s getting really dizzy, so he just lets himself tip forward. He knows Eddie will catch him.
“Jesus, you shouldn’t be up right now, how’d you even make it out of bed?” Eddie says, ducking down to let Buck lean on his shoulder while he walks him back into the room.
“S’not your fault. I saw you moping, wanted you to come in and hold my hand instead.” Buck says. Eddie looks up at him with this stupidly guilty look on his face, and it makes Buck frown.
“Stop that,” he says, “I’m not scared of you, I’m in love with you. My brain just doesn’t work so good sometimes.”
Eddie sits Buck down on the edge of his bed, and Buck grabs his hand before he can back away.
“ Stop it, I’m serious. I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”
“I did, ” Eddie says, “I- It’s my fault and you could have died, Buck. I’m- I can’t lose you.” Buck's gaze softens at that, and he tugs Eddie closer until he can lean forward and rest his head on his chest, arms wrapping around his waist.
“I’m right here. I’m fine. It wasn’t your fault, and even if it was, I forgive you.” Eddie’s still for another second, but eventually he lets himself thread the fingers of one hand through Buck’s hair, the other settling between his shoulder blades. Buck relaxes into him a little more, and he thinks maybe he’ll go back to sleep for a while.
“I know I’m safe with you.” He mumbles before he drifts off. He misses the way Eddie’s breath catches at that, but he vaguely registers the movement as Eddie lays him back in bed and covers him up. He picks up the chair from the corner and sets it next to Maddie’s, threading his fingers through Buck’s, settling in to wait until he wakes back up again.