Work Text:
It’s suspiciously quiet and Dan doesn't like it one bit.
He’s returned home from grocery shopping when he notices something odd; the lack of movement or sound of any kind. Normally there would be the odd clanking of equipment or frustrated curses that travel up from downstairs, or, on the rare occasion, the sounds of the shower running. Today, however? Nothing, which is extremely worrying to Dan, considering the time of day; a Saturday afternoon should sound like a real bustling laboratory in the world of Herbert West.
Slowly placing the grocery bags down on the kitchen table, Dan tries his best to listen for any signs of life. “Herbert?” he calls after a bit. “Herbert, I got food!”
When no answer comes, Dan’s mind switches from slightly inquisitive to slightly panicked. Despite not seeing a point in the need for food consumption, Herbert usually stopped whatever he was doing to check out all of the items Dan brought home.
I may not enjoy the process of eating, but I am mindful of what I allow to enter my body.
'Unless it's mac and cheese or pizza,' Dan had thought to himself.
“Herbert! C’mon, I got that kind of tea you like so much!”
Deafening silence is all that answers him, the panic twisting into manic urgency. Herbert never forgets to answer in some sort of way, whether it be an annoyed ‘Wait a minute!’ or the sound of socked feet padding up the stairs. Dan set up a rule a while ago, ever since Peru almost cost them their lives: There needs to be an acknowledgment of any kind when Dan calls Herbert and vice versa.
Despite Herbert’s mind not being able to properly process trauma, Dan’s certainly does; more often than he cares to admit. It’s this trauma that stirs the pot of fear in his mind.
Explosions from all sides. Hopeless, helpless, too close. Gun fire somehow piercing through the sound of the explosions. She's dead too? Another loss. Pain. Stabbed. Is Herbert okay? Did I protect him…?
“Herbert! Herbert, answer me right now or I swear to fuck I will unbolt every door in this house!” Dan’s panicked voice booms through the sparsely furnished house, easily echoing off the walls.
There. A small squeaking coming from the bathroom down the hall. Wet feet on the floor? The turning of a knob? Was the shower not working again? If so, then why hadn't Herbert answered?
Dan all but runs down the hallway, coming to a screeching halt in front of the bathroom door. "Herbert, are you in here?" he inquires, knocking softly.
"Go away," comes a quiet, strangled voice.
That's not good. Dan tries to open the door, but it's locked, of course. "Open the door, Herb, or I'm going to have to kick it in again."
"Please don't."
"Then open it."
"I can't."
"Then I'm kicking it in."
"The door doesn’t deserve it."
Sighing in frustration, Dan tries again one more time to open the door peacefully. He really doesn't want to cause any sort of loud noises, but Herbert's pained voice makes it difficult to think rationally. The only times Herbert West speaks so small is when he's done something stupid and is trying to hide it from Dan, or when he's hurt.
That thought shoots through Dan like lightning, a fresh dose of adrenaline now coursing through his veins. "Herbert, I'm coming in whether you like it or not!"
"No, don’t-"
Before the plea leaves Herbert's lips, Dan has kicked open the door, his eyes frantically scanning the bathroom for any signs of destruction.
What he sees upsets and scares him.
Right there, on the floor and back leaning against the bathtub, sits Herbert. His eyes are normally owl-like behind his large frames, but right now they seem to be dilated bigger than should be humanly possible. Herbert's skin is more pale than normal with sweat dripping down his brow. Small, bony knees are pulled up to his chest in a defensive, self-protective manner. Herbert's weighted blanket is resting over his narrow shoulders while he rocks back and forth at a brisk pace; agitated and clearly manic, Dan notes. Herbert's left hand is flapping while his right is digging into his shin beneath his pants.
What's most upsetting? Around Herbert's right arm is a band, tightly wound while the needle, that's still glowing green from use, is lying next to him on the floor.
Now this is worse than what Dan had thought previously. He doesn't know whether to rush over and swaddle up Herbert or chastise him for relapsing. The latter is most likely wrong in this situation, but he also finds himself hesitating to rush to Herbert in any way, afraid it may spook the smaller man. Dan feels like he's approaching a skittish squirrel as he slowly toes ever so quietly towards Herbert.
"Herbert," Dan murmurs after a while, "what happened? What… what's going on?"
"D-Dan," comes such a desperate utterance of his name that Dan almost collapses with worry.
"Can I sit next to you? Is that okay?" Dan barely registers a small nod shot his way before he quickly takes his place on Herbert's right side, taking the time to remove the band from Herbert's arm. "Herbert, what is this? Why are you sitting on the bathroom floor looking like you just had a complete meltdown?"
"Because I did ." Dan figures Herbert meant to answer with his usual dripping sardonic tone, but what comes out just sounds frantic. "I did and now you just barged in with no regards for my wish t-to be left alone."
"You're damn right I did, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat! Stop circling around the issue!" He lets out a heavy breath when he notices Herbert flinch from the volume of his voice. "Herbert, I don't want to fight and be forced to drag you out of this bathroom with my bare hands."
"Then go away so I can gather what is left of my dignity."
Dan shakes his head swiftly. "No. We are talking about this right now, right on the fucking bathroom floor."
The few minutes of silence that follows seem to last for an eternity. Meanwhile, he notices that Herbert has stopped his stims other than the rocking, which is now paced almost calmly. Dan is just about to once again air his frustration and worry when Herbert finally speaks up.
"You weren't home and I had a sensory meltdown. That is all. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"A what?"
"A sensory meltdown , Dan." Ah, there's the venomous tone, Herbert's rocking suddenly switching back to agitated. "Each and every subject I tested was failing me, one by one. Their failures went against everything I had calculated; for hours I continued to try and rectify any mistakes."
Dan sees a rapid movement from Herbert's left side and he immediately reaches over to grab his boyfriend's hand, hoping to calm Herbert in some small way.
"Everything became heightened, my skin felt like it was on fire," Herbert continues. "The house wouldn't shut up; the freezer, the pipes, the creaking, it all hurt my ears. For fuck's sake, my hands were trying to kill me! They wouldn't stop hitting me!"
Dan is once again freaking out, not sure what to do or say. He's never dealt with something like this before; hell, he never even knew things like stimming existed until a few months ago. "Herbert, Herbert," he chides. "It's okay, take some deep breaths."
"Every pencil is gone! Every single one! They failed me too!"
" Herbert !"
The small man stops rocking completely. "Dan," Herbert whispers, "it was the only way to make it stop. I had to take it so I could avoid what is happening presently. I did not want to inconvenience you and I was supposed to be fine when you came home."
"Well you're not fine and now I have to help you deal with it." Dan runs a hand over his exhausted face, still at a loss. "Look, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to help your stupid ass off this floor and we are going back to the kitchen to have some of the tea that I thoughtfully bought for you."
"But… But Dan, my-"
"I swear to god if you’re going to say 'my work' I will get rid of the whole new batch of reagent myself." Herbert choosing not to argue over something as important as his work continues to unnerve Dan. Pushing himself off the uncomfortable floor, he is still holding Herbert's hand and squashes the urge to just rip him up off the floor as well. "Come on, Herb. This is not negotiable."
There is a staring contest that seems to be a battle of wills. Dan keeps his eye contact and resolve strong, knowing that, eventually, Herbert will give in. Dan knows he's won when Herbert's eyes snap away from his own and sends him a solemn, single nod. Dan pulls him up and gently wraps Herbert's weighted blanket more securely around his shoulders before leading his boyfriend back down the hallway to the kitchen.
Dan pulls a chair out from under the table, motioning for Herbert to sit down. He kisses the shorter man's hand before letting go to lean against the kitchen counter. “Now that you’re here, hand me the tea from the bag when you find it. You need to go through all of them anyway.”
Herbert perches on the chair like a bird on a branch while beginning to inspect each bag and Dan has to cover his mouth to keep from actually laughing. This small man, this scientific genius of immeasurable talent is digging through grocery bags like a child on Christmas, a heavy blanket wrapped around such a tiny frame. Dan marvels at the fact that this is his life. A life with a hole of death and decay, yet the empty and dark space is replaced with just… just something that he cannot yet explain.
It's not love; well, at least not the type of love he's used to. To Dan, love has always been soft, easy, and warm. With Meg, he had been able to clearly see the future; graduating medical school, getting married shortly after, buying a house, working as a doctor, having children… growing old together. With Herbert, he had fallen into a void of cold uncertainty and horror. His life had been ripped from underneath him by a force of raw chaos, yet there is a sliver of something in his chest every single time he looks at Herbert. This infuriating and, many times, insufferable human being had waltzed into Dan's life and had no qualms about how much destruction followed his presence. Yet there is something that has taken away his ability to say no; to watch over Herbert and care for him, despite Herbert's lack of emotional attachment and understanding.
Dan almost jumps when he is finally pulled from his thoughts by a poke on the nose from Herbert.
"Dan. You've been staring blankly at me for at least five minutes and I would appreciate it if you'd stop."
Rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment, Dan's eyes fall to the floor. "Shit. Sorry, Herb. Got lost in thought again."
"Apology accepted," Herbert replies bluntly. "Now, please put on the tea so we can get this… emotional discussion out of the way so I may return to my work."
Dan knows Herbert absolutely despises these discussions, but he also has come to understand that Herbert makes concessions for Dan’s emotional needs and he will forever be thankful.
The tea is ready in a few minutes and, before Dan knows it, he and Herbert have placed themselves on the couch in the living room, Herbert’s weighted blanket now wrapped around them both.
"So… sensory meltdown, huh?"
"Yes. They can be common in those who have sensory processing complications under certain circumstances. Each circumstance can be different for those who are afflicted or, in other cases, very similar."
Dan's mind begins putting some pieces together. "Is that why you hate going out in public so much?"
"That can be a major component, yes," Herbert answers, shifting to tuck his feet under himself before taking a sip of tea. "I also just happen to despise human interaction and would prefer to limit it as much as possible."
"Duly noted." Dan, setting down his own tea on the table in front of them, offers Herbert his hand, palm up. He lets out a relieved breath when Herbert slips his hand into Dan's, immediately intertwining their fingers. "Do your stims always manifest all at once during these?"
"No. It depends on the level of distress. Today was…" Herbert huffs an agitated breath through his nose. "Today was exceptionally strong; too much."
"What if I had been home? How do I even begin to help with something on this scale? Is there anything I could have done?" Dan isn't sure if Herbert has noticed, but the smaller man begins rubbing his thumb gently, in circles, across Dan's hand.
"I am not quite sure how to answer you. I have never had the luxury of having someone around who cares for me in this capacity; in… in this way." The words are uttered reverently, like a prayer asking for the moment to last, far away and quiet.
Each cup of tea has been forgotten by this point, both sitting idly on the table getting cold.
Dan wants to tell Herbert that he’s not going anywhere; that he doesn’t even entertain the notion like he did over a year ago. He wants to cut open Herbert’s mind, scoop out his essence and replace it with everything that Dan sees in him. He wants for so much around this infuriating little man that, sometimes, he can’t even see straight. Dan feels Herbert during their rare moments of this… connection, whatever it is.
With the hand that isn’t already occupied, Dan uses it to bring Herbert’s forehead to his, Herbert’s eyes closing instinctively. “Is this okay?”
“Yes,” comes the immediate answer.
Dan closes his own eyes now, relishing this intimate moment Herbert has allowed him to initiate. These moments are so few and far between that he doesn’t want to waste a second. The kiss he plants on Herbert’s lips is chaste, yet a desperate attempt at communicating what he wants to say but can’t. Dan then moves his lips down to Herbert’s jaw before nuzzling into the crook of Herbert’s neck.
“Did you immediately turn to the reagent?” He feels Herbert try his best to move away, probably in an attempt to clam up and huddle into himself, but Dan puts a stop to it by planting a kiss on porcelain skin.
“No.” The response is so low that Dan questions if he actually heard it. He feels Herbert rest his head on top of his own. “The… dilemma had stacked on top of my already burning senses. I gave in when my hands wouldn’t stop hitting my head.”
Dan carefully yet briskly lifts his head to look into Herbert’s eyes. “You said something about that earlier; about your hands trying to kill you. Herbert…”
Herbert’s eyes drop to his lap while he lets out a loud breath filled with tension. “It’s very rare for myself. Self destructive stimming can occur from time to time. The last episode I had was in…” There is a crack in Herbert’s voice and Dan tightens the grip on the hand that is still holding Herbert’s strongly. “In the psychiatric facility in Switzerland, shortly after Gruber died. They had me on suicide watch for a while after the incident.”
It’s Dan’s turn to rub circles softly onto Herbert’s hand, hoping to ground him. “Why would they put you on suicide watch? Didn’t they know you have-”. Herbert’s eyes suddenly harden when they shoot up to meet his own. Dan's beginning to understand. “You didn’t bother to tell them, did you.”
“Why would I?” comes a small but harsh reply. “They would have kept me longer and I had important things to do; things which could not wait for my inconvenient abnormalities to balance themselves.”
"Inconvenient abnormal-... Herbert, they could have helped; given you medication!"
Herbert laughs, sharp and full of venom, ripping his hand from Dan's. "Could have helped? Could have helped ? Do you have any idea how psychiatrists perceive people like myself, Dan? They want to claw me open and inspect my mind to satiate their inane curiosities. Paired with the charges brought against me, I would have been there for a year at least!"
Dan raises his hands in defense. "Hey, hey, Herbert! I wasn't thinking when I said that, I'm sorry. That was unfair of me."
Herbert huffs an agitated breath through his nose, eyes softening just a tad. "Yes, well, you should be sorry. Apology accepted."
They sit in silence for a couple minutes, Dan hanging his head slightly. He really was trying to help Herbert, but maybe he needs to wait until Herbert informs him on the subject. He is still ignorant and highly uninformed. Not to mention this subject is Herbert's reality. His boyfriend is forced to live with this every single day. He doesn't know if he'd be half as strong if he were in Herbert's position.
Dan feels more than sees Herbert begin to rock slowly; a comfortable pace. He reaches up to lightly cup Herbert's cheek.
"Don't do that again."
Herbert's head tilts inquisitively to lean into Dan's hand. "What-"
"You know what I mean, Herbert. Don't. Do. That. Again."
Emerald eyes dart around the room nervously, determined to look anywhere that isn't Dan's face. "I… I had to."
"No, you really didn't."
"But I did, Dan!"
" No you did not !"
The rocking speeds up slightly; nervousness, guilty, now shaking.
Dan removes his palm from Herbert's cheek in favor of running a hand gently through the small man's hair. "I'm going to get rid of it again and until I trust you, you're going to be by my side until further notice."
Herbert doesn't argue. He simply gives a solitary nod in response.
He's so smitten. Smitten . Dan can find no other word as he brings their foreheads together once more. "Herbert I love you," is what comes out of his mouth.
Herbert releases a small, shaky breath and Dan can feel it rush over his face. "Danny, please, I don't… I can't…"
Dan shuts him up with his mouth. "I know. That doesn't change my mind. I love you and you will not scare me with that serum again. Understood?"
Herbert nods readily, cupping Dan's face between his hands. "Understood."
" Now I will allow you to return to your work. I'll be down to help after I put all these fucking groceries away."
"I can help," Herbert says with a grin, placing a soft kiss to Dan's nose.
"Well, I won't say no. C'mon, science man, get ready to reach for top shelves."
Herbert playfully slaps Dan's shoulder. Dan hopes this can be a regular occurrence.