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"Marinette, wake up!", shouted Alya. "They're doing a school play and need someone to organise everything, and if they don't find someone soon, Chloé will do it!"
There was no reaction from the crumpled heap of Marinette on the ground. She had apparently slid right down from the park bench behind her.
"Maybe we should…" began Adrien, but Alya shushed him. Kagami leaned over, but Alya gently pushed her aside as well. This was her job.
"Marinette, did you hear? Juleka and Rose want to ask each other out for their first formal date this weekend, but they're both too scared to do it. They need a benevolent meddler to give them that final push!"
Nothing changed.
"Okay, I didn't want to go this far, but… Marinette! There's a 50% off sale at the grey jacket and pink pants store!"
Marinette did not react at all. Alya shook her head, sadly.
"Yeah, she's dead. You two killed her. Rest in peace."
"Are you certain?", asked Kagami. "As far as I can tell, she is still breathing."
"No, she's right, I'm dead," said Marinette, muffled from the ground.
"See? Listen to the zombie," said Alya. Kagami and Adrien both looked skeptical, but neither seemed to know how to argue with that.
"So, what happened anyway?", asked Alya. Adrien and Kagami looked at each other, blushing, before Kagami began.
"Well, it was like this…"
"Marinette, I'm sorry it took me so long", said Adrien, "but I finally realised that you're more than a friend. You're amazing, smart, kind, brave, creative. Every day when I feel bad, I imagine meeting you, and I start smiling. What I want to say is… I love you, and I'd like for you to be my girlfriend, if you want. But… so would she."
He looked over at Kagami, who was holding his hand.
"Indeed," she said. "Marinette, your kindness and bravery is an inspiration to all of us, and our time together means the world to me. I love you, Marinette. Would you do me the honour of becoming my girlfriend?"
Adrien nodded. "You don't have to answer from you right now, but we both decided it was important to tell you. No matter what you choose, Kagami, me, or neither, you're incredibly important to us, and we want to remain your friends!"
Marinette was blushing so hard that steam was coming off her.
"I… err… what… love? How? Great! What… two? I don't… aren't you two like… together… already?"
Adrien nervously scratched the back of his neck with his free hand.
"Yeah, that's true. I really love Kagami, and I don't want to split up with her, but I also have all those feelings for you and–"
"–it is the same for me," continued Kagami. "It is very confusing. I do not like the confusion. But I do like you both, individually and together."
Marinette's eyes were wide open, staring in different directions, and out of her mouth came something vaguely like the sound of a tea kettle. Kagami was not quite sure how to interpret that, so she continued on.
"Marinette-chan, how you choose is up to you, but may I suggest a kissing contest? Adrien and I have been practicing all of yesterday afternoon to give you a pleasant experience."
The tea kettle screeching sound came to an abrupt halt, and Marinette started to wildly flail her arms instead. Kagami was almost certain that was a success.
"I… kissing… what… practice… how? What?"
Adrien blushed. "Well, you see, we were kissing, and I kind of…"
He trailed off, but Kagami jumped right in. "He said your name in… what's the french word… softly, but very intensely… moaning, that's it! In the spur of the moment, I did the same, and then we both enjoyed that and got really intense while thinking of you. For example…"
"…and that's when she collapsed. We asked her if we could help, and she told us to call you."
Alya looked at them both with big eyes.
"I… err… yeah, yeah, that sounds like something that would kill your average Marinette," she finally said slowly. Marinette nodded heavily.
"Aaaalyaaa…", she said slowly. "Before they bury me, I want you to have my ear rings. But you can't just keep them, you have to actually wear them."
Alya nodded solemnly. "Whatever you say, Zombinette."
"Oh, and if you put them on, someone might give you a letter a for Chat Noir. Make sure he gets it."
"It will be my honour," said Alya. Strangely, Adrien looked incredibly touched at this. Weird.
"Adrien, you get the remaining pink wall color from when I painted my room last year. Your room needs it. Nino gets my cat pillow, I know he's jealous of it but he never wants to say anything because he doesn't want to seem too girly. Kagami, you get all my orange juice."
"We will honour your memory forever," said Kagami, while Adrien was close to tears.
After a minute, Alya asked, "Could you two… maybe have broken that all a bit more gently to her?"
"I never hesitate," stated Kagami proudly. "This rule has always brought me success in the world of fencing."
“Yes, yes,” said Alya, nodding, “never hesitating is definitely great for when you want to stab someone through the heart and watch them crumble to the ground.”
“That’s preposterous, in sports fencing we don’t…” began Kagami. Then she noticed that Alya was looking very pointedly at Marinette.
“Oh, this is one of these metaphors, isn’t it? I’ve heard about those!”
She looked down with sadness in her eyes.
“I guess I am too… weird. Marinette would be better served with Adrien…”
“No!”, shouted Adrien and Marinette's corpse at the same time.
“You’re not weird! Or not too weird anyway,” said Marinette. “You’re… you. You’re Kagami. You’re great. I love that about… I love you. …and Adrien. But also how much you love each other. I…”
She trailed off.
“Does this mean you’re alive again?”, asked Adrien, smiling.
“Urrgh… I don't… maybe? I don't know. It’s all just a lot,” said Marinette. She sat back up.
"I mean, for the longest time, I've been in love with you, Adrien! Ever since the Umbrella! That's why I kept stuttering so much. I've always dreamed of us marrying and moving to a big house with three kids and a hamster. But I didn't know the name of the hamster! And then I met Kagami and at first I was jealous and then I was intrigued and then I became her friend and saw that she was so unique and great and lovable. And lately I've been having these thoughts wondering whether I'm wrong and whether it isn't a hamster at all, it's supposed to be a Kagami, and her name is Kagami, because that's her name!"
Her hand gestures started getting ever more frantic.
"Or maybe that's wrong too, and it's actually Kagami and me, but then also an Adrien! Urgh, no, I'm doing this all wrong! Look, neither of you is a replacement for a hamster, I'm sorry!"
Adrien took her right hand and looked deep into her eyes, which shut her up immediately.
"Marinette… I would love to be your hamster."
Kagami shook her head as she took Marinette's other hand.
"I cannot accept that. I do not want to be a replacement for your hamster. I wish for us to have a hamster as well. We three could adopt one together."
"You guys… I need to calm down so that I can have a proper freakout…" said Marinette, while she grabbed both hands even more tightly. Alya couldn't help but smile at the scene.
“Okay, since Marinette gave me her earrings, that means I’m in charge of everything important”, she announced.
Marinette mumbled something that might have been, “you have no idea.”
“And as the person in charge, I decree that nobody chooses anybody. You all three like each other and want to be together as the three of you, right? So I suggest you go drink orange juice together, spend an afternoon together… or more… maybe I'll get a super-hero to lock you in a cage… or you can play some super penguino together, if you know what I mean?" She gave a wink that made all three blush. "I think I recall that you're all free tomorrow at three, right?"
"I… I think I like that," said Kagami.
"This is the best idea ever," said Adrien.
"Alya, you're the best!", said Marinette. "Oh god, I have a date! I'm so going to freak out about this, you gotta help me! How can you be so pragmatic about all this?"
Alya shrugged. "Just remember the most important thing: You promised me you'd design me the best evening gown ever if I helped to get you and Adrien together. And this…"—she pointed at the two rich kids—"means you'll owe me two. I'll send Nino over for measurements tomorrow."