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There are memories that vanish and there are the ones that stuck so deep within, they engrave in pieces of shattered hearts through time. His heart became blackened, soiled in those he shan’t forget as long as his never ending immortal soul haunts the earth. And there was pain.It was the kind that one babe feels when the mother abandons it from homely arms. When one is stripped of dignity in the shadows of such cruelty of the world and is forgotten within passing years by the ones who never truly been there.
It was the kind of pain Ciel Phantomhive felt when he watched crimson eyes fading the remains of spark they’ve ever had within their smugness. As he watched them blacken within days and dim throughout decades, each minute sent one sharpness in his chest. Yet he thought about letting ago- so many times that the count felt it would go into infinity and even more. His selfishness broke the barriers of common sense, of sympathy if he ever had any.
So crimson eyes just watched the once beast in suffering. He watched Sebastian bathing in hatred and it hurt. Through the dusty pages of the book, he sneaked glances of the raven. None spoke, they barely did anymore. Those conversation they’ve had late midnight, the sneaky remarks one of them would bring as a reminder of their connection , they were gone.
Loneliness, Ciel thought. That was the only thing left to feel. Everything else just vanished from his heart. The memories are the only thing left for him to feed on, breathe on and think of. His parents are blurred. Elizabeth only sparks bits of cheerfulness and happiness- and yet, he can’t seem to remember what that voice sounded like. Something of a pitch whenever he’d use the name she would prefer. Blushing cheeks whenever he’d agree on dancing. Shinny eyes for the times when he would offer to wear the garments she adored. He loved her, more than he ever let to show.
But when the sun goes down, when the rays put earth to rest, white roses lose colour on the grave. Life goes on and so do people. And time flies fast and they stop going. They are never reborn, they never get to see others evolve and they rot. That is the cycle. Yet, Sebastian never managed to do that. He wouldn’t move on, he doesn’t want to see life going on, not in enslavement. He doesn’t want to be stuck with the fledging, but he never had a say in the matter. Not when the bluenette decided he couldn’t- and he shouldn’t.
“Do you love me?.” He muttered, but raven didn’t glance back. Ciel knew there wasn’t anything to see in those eyes, yet crimson watched crimson with hope.
“I used to.”
It hurt, but he never stopped asking the same question. Everyday and every night, hoping something would change. He knew it was only the hope left, but he still had it. Like a fire that he tried to not let to extinguish, to let its flames burn eternally and never let it go.
He watched dying leafs and broken branches carried in the wind. The older never truly cared when he saw spilling tears flooding rosy cheeks. Not when Ciel would beg forgiveness and nor when he’d desperately scream, not able to endure anymore.
“I do. I do love you.” He spoke and his words felt stuck in his throat, choking on the unnecessary air filling his lungs.
Sebastian started walking till he got behind the younger. His eyes were unforgiving and only spite was held within them.
“Not enough to let me go.” Sebastian worded, and Ciel simply turned around. The boy stretched one hand and touched the elder’s cheek, a smile that didn’t reach his eyes breaking onto his face.
“Would you leave if I would?” He asked. ”Would you stay by my side?”
There was a pause before the raven answered and it didn’t take much for the boy to have his heart shattered for the millionth time.
“No.”
“Then I can’t let you go.”
He sealed their lips, but the kiss was cold. It felt meaningless and forced. And he knew he wasn’t loved.
But he couldn’t let him go.