Work Text:
Catra shot up in bed, covered in sweat and breathing so hard she thought her lungs were going to give out. This was the third night in a row that she had had this nightmare.
Adora was still fast asleep so Catra crawled up to the head of the bed and made sure that they had as much skin to skin contact as possible.
Adora stirred and blearily opened her eyes. “Hey, why are you awake? It’s the middle of the night.”
“No reason, go back to sleep. We have an Alliance meeting in the morning.”
Adora sat up, she knew that tone. “You had another nightmare.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Go back to sleep!”
Adora didn’t say anything else. She just looked at Catra and waited.
Catra avoided Adora’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just had… that dream. Again.”
Catra didn’t like to think about it while she was awake, but she’d had the same dream for months. She would be back in the Horde and Adora would be sitting next to her in the locker room and she would reach for Adora and the girl she had grown up with and fallen in love with would recoil from her touch. Adora would speak and all Catra could hear would be Shadow Weaver’s voice. Telling her she was nothing and she was foolish to think that anybody could ever want her. That she wasn’t enough and that she would never be enough. And then Catra would wake up and look at Adora and feel like she had lost her.
Catra thought about waking up like this every night for the next decade and felt so tired. She was exhausted at the thought that she would never be able to feel completely comfortable with Adora. That she would always be afraid that Adora would leave. That Adora would realize that Catra wasn’t worth the time and effort and that all of the awful things that she had done would outweigh the good she could do.
Adora loved her and forgave her. They had spoken about everything that had happened between them so many times and Catra knew in her mind that Adora wasn’t going to leave. So why wouldn’t these dreams just stop.
“Adora… I don’t know what to do.” Catra felt her throat start to close up.
Adora brought Catra into her arms and held her tight. She felt her shoulder wet and tried to think. She was worried, she knew that Catra was afraid of abandonment. Perfuma had so helpfully laid it out in the middle of battle. Adora didn’t know what to do. They were so tightly woven into each other’s story that Adora didn’t think that she could help Catra through this the way she needed. This was outside her depth.
So she thought about what she did when she was upset. And she thought about the friends she’s made. She had learned a lot of things since coming to Brightmoon and now she was going to help the love of her life get the help she needed.
“Okay. I have an idea. But you have to give it a chance.”
Catra lifted her head. Adora was shocked at how suspicious someone could look with red-rimmed eyes, “what is it?”
____________________________________________________________________________
Catra sat across from Perfuma with her legs crossed. She forced herself to stay seated and not bolt.
“Alright! I think I can guess, but why did you come here? And I just want you to know that you can leave whenever you want and don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. I’m here for you.” Perfuma said in her usual cheerful, sincere voice.
Catra sighed and decided that she should be honest and give this thing a shot. Looking into Perfuma’s honest, guileless eyes actually did start to make her feel a little more comfortable. Plus, she used to think a lot of things these Princesses did were dumb, and now look at her. She actually had fun at the last Alliance meeting. “I’ve been having nightmares and I don’t want them anymore.”
“Okay, thank you for sharing! Get into a comfortable seated position. Close your eyes and take a deep breath for four seconds. Hold in that breath for seven seconds and exhale for eight seconds.”
Catra almost wanted to get up right then. Why was breathing so complicated all of a sudden?
Catra opened her eyes and saw Perfuma looking at her gently. “I know that new techniques are hard, but in my experience with little practice I feel like they can be really helpful. And if after a while you feel like it isn’t doing anything for you then we can move on and try something else.”
Catra closed her eyes and thought ‘what the hell.’ “Okay, I’ll try.” And Catra settled down and found herself thinking about why she was here and flinching a little when she thought about Shadow Weaver's smiling face looking back at her and telling her that she was proud right before she disappeared into smoke and ash. With her exhale Catra felt the breath whoosh out of her with a stutter.
She felt a warm hand grasping her own and she held on.
“Let’s do that again. Inhale slowly.” Catra found herself clinging to Perfuma’s soft voice. “Now let’s think about your dream, where you were, who you were with. How it made you feel.”
Catra opened her eyes, startled. “I thought I came here to stop having those nightmares. Why am I focusing on them now?”
“You need to understand why you’re having them and let yourself feel what you're feeling so you can move on. Or at least learn to live with the scars.”
Catra didn’t know what to say to that. She had been trying to be more honest with her feelings for months. She had apologized to everyone and was working hard to atone for what she had done in the Horde. She had even started going on small missions with Scorpia and the two of them were able to have a comfortable conversation about their respective relationships. But whenever she walked through those halls or caught sight of King Micah she was reminded of Shadow Weaver. Her face looming above her when she was a child or telling her that she was holding back Adora.
“UGH, I don’t like to think about her!”
“Think about who?”
Catra took a deep breath. “I was raised by Shadow Weaver. And she always told me that I wasn’t enough. And later she told me I wasn’t enough for Adora. Then she saved me and told me she was proud of me. And then she died.” Catra could feel a familiar pain and fury rising up in her. “What am I supposed to do with that? She was cruel and manipulative and I hate her . She’s a big reason I’m the person I was- am. And it’s not her fault I hurt people. That was all me. But god, she definitely didn’t help.” Catra was just sobbing now. “I don’t want to forgive her, but how do I get over this- over her?”
Catra put her head between her legs and sat there for a while. She suddenly felt arms around her and she realized that she could hug someone besides Adora and feel safe.
Perfuma held her friend and said “You don’t need to forgive her. She was someone who was in charge of making sure that you felt loved and cared for and she didn’t do her job. Even if she did make one last effort at the end of her life. Grief is complicated, and it’s hard to figure out. But you have time and there’s no rush. And one way to make sure that you get through this is to lean on your friends. Because we love you. Adora loves you and we want you to be happy. We’re not going anywhere.”
Catra felt a ball of tension in her stomach release and she looked at Perfuma’s earnest face and sniffled. “You’re not?”
“No.” Perfuma said firmly.
Catra wiped her nose and sheepishly said “Wow, that’s the most I’ve ever said about that to anybody besides Adora.”
“I’m happy that you felt like you could open up to me. You can talk to me anytime.”
Catra laughed a little and stood up. She felt awkward but lighter than she had in months. “Thanks, I think I’ll take you up on that offer.”
Perfuma put her hands together and smiled kindly. “Well! I think we made a lot of good progress today. I look forward to seeing you next session. Bye Catra!”
“Bye, see you at the meeting.”