Chapter Text
“It’s basically a vacation,” Lucius had said. “It’s likely only a few months, over before you know it,” then, “Okay, I don’t care if you’re miserable, I’m giving you an order.” and, “get the fuck out of my office and into the hotel room or I’ll make you regret every second of delay.”
So Priamus went to the hotel room. It was 550 square feet. There was a bed; a pullout couch; a kitchenette with a minifridge, microwave, and coffeemaker; a small table; and a 25-inch screen TV. There was also a 10 square foot balcony, but they weren’t allowed to go onto it.
They, of course, being himself and Gerry the Black Market CD Dealer. Priamus wasn’t exactly sure what Gerry the Black Market CD Dealer had done or seen or had possession of, but Lucius wanted him to be breathing and/or not arrested, and probably someone else disagreed.
Exactly how long they would be there, no one could say.
Day One, they had a few awkward, stilted conversations, and Priamus tried and failed to figure out the TV.
Day Two, a suit came and delivered a worrying amount of non-perishable food that could be prepared in a microwave or coffeemaker.
Day Three, Gerry the Black Market CD Dealer broke the coffeemaker.
Day Four, Priamus read the Gideon Bible in the bedside table cover to cover.
Day Five, Gerry the Black Market CD Dealer figured out the TV and accidentally charged 23 dollars to their room.
Day Six, Lucius called to yell at him for the 23 dollars.
Day Seven, Priamus fixed the coffeemaker.
Day Eight, Gerry the Black Market CD Dealer had a polite and boring mental breakdown and they sat on the floor talking for a while.
Day Nine, Priamus started officially calling Gerry the Black Market CD Dealer just Gerry, and they ran out of coffee.
Day Ten, Priamus began translating the Gideon bible from English to Latin. Every time he finished a page he gave it to Gerry, who would try and fail to do origami with it.
Day Eleven, he abandoned the New Latin Priamus Bible Edition written on hotel stationery, halfway through Genesis.
Day Twelve, Gerry successfully made a paper crane and Priamus was forced to continue translating so Gerry would have more pages to fold.
Days Thirteen through Eighteen, more translating.
Day Nineteen, they finished the bible and started jettisoning the paper cranes to the balcony to make room.
Day Twenty, Lucius called to ask about the paper cranes, which had apparently been caught by a breeze and created a local stir.
Day Twenty-One, Lucius called again to discuss the paper cranes, which were apparently being considered a manifestation of the lord and a sign of the end times.
Day Twenty-Two, Priamus broke the coffee machine again trying to make ramen in it. Also, Lucius took pity on him and a delivery arrived at the hotel room door in the middle of the night containing several airport mystery novels and a bottle of Everclear.
Day Twenty-Three, Everclear.
Day Twenty-Four Priamus read all the airport books and judged them subpar.
Days Twenty-Five through Thirty Gerry read the airport books and Priamus translated the Latin Gideon into Cantonese.
Day Thirty-One, they held a book club and wrote fix-it fic for the dreadful airport books.
Day Thirty-Two, the hotel refused to give them any more stationery. Priamus tried to pierce his own ear with a safety pin and was stopped by Gerry, who was concerned about the safety.
Day Thirty-Three Lucius called to complain about the stationary and was convinced to deliver a French to English dictionary as well as various other necessities.
Days Thirty-Three through Fifty, Priamus tried to learn French. Gerry watched Animal Planet because it was the only channel they got for free.
Day Fifty-One Priamus fixed the coffee machine. Gerry was still showing no ill effects from the confinement.
Days Fifty Two through Sixty, Priamus tried to decide if Gerry was hot or not.
Day Sixty One.
“Morning, Priamus!” Said Gerry chipperly from the kitchenette. Every morning he dutifully put water from the sink in a mug and drank it. Before they ran out of coffee it had been coffee, and before the coffee machine broke it was hot water. Gerry thought it was important to keep up a routine.
“Good morning, Gerry,” Priamus muttered from the couch. He sat up and studied the man. He looked like he had been manifested from a summoning circle of stock photos and dentist’s billboards, except that to ascribe a magical origin invested him with too interesting a backstory. He looked like he had wandered out of a magazine advertisement for practical khakis at a reasonable price.
But Gerry was sort of handsome in a boring way, Priamus thought. Or maybe after sixty-one days anyone looked sort of handsome.
“It’s a nice morning. I assume. Anyway, I don’t hear rain,” Gerry announced cheerily. They weren’t allowed to open any blinds, so it was hard to tell.
“Hm,” Priamus agreed, still deep in thought.
“Did you know that you shouldn’t kill moles if you catch them in your lawn?” Gerry took a sip of his “coffee.”
Priamus looked out over the endless purgatory of a hotel room he was trapped in. “Thanks, Gerry, that’s a good tip.”
“Big plans for today?”
From anyone else Priamus would have thought it was sarcasm. But this was Gerry.
“Well, the hotel still won’t give us more stationary and I hate French. So do you want to maybe--”
“Oh! You know what--” Gerry stopped, abashedly. “I'm sorry for interrupting, please continue.”
Priamus sat back. “No, no, you continue.”
“Transformers 8 comes out today, so we get Transformers 7 for free today only. We should watch it.” Gerry was looking enormously pleased with this development. Priamus shrugged and moved over to make room on the couch.
“Sure. Do we have any cereal left?”
“Uh...” Gerry scanned the kitchenette. “No.”
“Great.”
They put on the movie.
“Wait,” said Priamus, a few minutes in. “If this is about robots why is King Arthur in it?”
“It’s a flashback,” Gerry explained. “Hey, do you want to have sex?”
For a second, he was so surprised he failed to respond. This was the most interesting thing Gerry had ever done. “Fuck, yeah, sure,” said Priamus, surprised.
It was fine. It was completely believable sex. It killed some time, but was not engaging enough that when it was over, Priamus wasn’t at least somewhat cognizant of the plot points that had transpired in the movie during the duration. And yes, despite several hints, Gerry had not turned the movie off. The robots appeared to be fighting over a staff. It was all very odd.
At some point, the phone had rung.
Now they moved apart, sort of awkwardly, and the phone rang again. This time Priamus picked up.
“What the fuck did you possibly have to do in that hotel room that was more vital the answering the fucking phone which only I, Lucius, would call?” Lucius demanded.
“Sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter.” To his confusion, Lucius sounded almost sheepish. “I actually forgot you were here, the situation was resolved a week ago. There’s a guy coming over now, he’s in the lobby, and he’ll be up in a minute. Report in tomorrow. I have another assignment for you.” Then Lucius hung up.
Priamus considered the current state of them. “Oh, shit.”