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Andrew didn’t mean to spend two hours watching the same person’s Tiktoks and Instagram profile on the previous night, but he had done so anyway. It’s just that he thought he recognized the boy who was dancing in the first video, but the clothes and hair style he usually saw on the guy were all wrong. And, alright, maybe he hadn’t needed to check his hundreds of videos on Tiktok and most of his posts from the last year on Instagram to know he had the right guy, but you can never be too sure.
Even now, sitting in the far corner of his French class, Andrew can barely believe that Neil Josten is the same guy. Neil is everything you usually don't notice, with a big grey hoodie covering most of his form, loose jeans with faded knees, bland white sneakers and messy hair hiding his eyes at first glance. Well, actually, point for his hair for being the most vivid shade of auburn out there.
The only reason Andrew ever noticed the student is because of his bright blue eye. They are the iciest sky Andrew has ever seen, and there’s no way no one else doesn’t have to do a double take on these when they do manage to get a glimpse.
To add on top of his mostly boring appearance, the guy doesn’t talk or smile. One in this class would pay him attention only to notice his near perfect French accent when he’s forced to participate by their teacher.
This doesn’t add up when the Neil Josten on Andrew’s phone screen has tight androgynous clothes, a bright smile with slightly uneven teeth, and dance moves that would put anyone to shame for even trying to copy them. The Neil Josten on his screen has an Instagram full of artistic posts and amateur modeling.
They both don’t make sense together, they both shouldn’t make sense together. More than how someone could be so different, Andrew wonders why someone would try to be such a different person. Why would someone put so much effort completely changing his persona online, where people from his own university can find his social media. It gets him wondering which Neil is the real one, or if any of them has even an ounce of truth.
What makes even less sense is why Andrew cares. Why he even wonders about it in the first place, when he has nothing to do with the guy except for one shared friend.
It takes half an hour of not so subtle glancing at him for Aaron to huff, annoyed beside him. “Are you even listening?” It’s not really a question, the answer clear. Andrew gives him a bored look.
“No.” Not that he really needs to, this teacher tends to explain the same thing 30 times in different ways. One time should be enough in Andrew’s mind, but it seems like the majority doesn’t think the same.
His twin gives him an unimpressed look, but doesn’t argue about how he’ll fail, both knowing Andrew already has better grades. It’s probably why it annoys Aaron so much that Andrew doesn’t even listen to half of what their teacher is saying.
Near the end of the class, his brother finally seems to notice where Andrew’s glances keep going and frown in what would be disbelief. “I’m going to tell Nicky you are pinning on the most boring guy in this room,” he mumbles, clearly annoyed by it. They both know Aaron would only say that so Nicky becomes the most aggravating human on Earth toward his stoic cousin.
“You tell him that and he’ll think you’re finally accepting my sexuality and that you’re interested in my romantic life. I think you might want to reconsider.” It’s not really a bother to him whatever Aaron thinks of him, but Nicky makes a big case out of it.
As expected, his brother grimaces and grumbles something incomprehensible under his breath.
When Mrs. Dupuis finally calls an end to this unending class, Neil gets up from his place, not acknowledging anyone around, and leaves the room like a ghost. It’s almost frustrating to not notice anything that could connect the two Neil.
Andrew gets up and waits for Aaron to follow him as they exit the classroom, heading to the cafeteria. He’s going to leave his brother to Nicky and Kevin and head for his appointment with Betsy. When they reach the table, Renee is sitting with them, but she immediately gets on her feet with a smile directed at Andrew.
“Do you mind dropping me home on the way?” She’s probably the only girl around that handles talking to him without even showing any sign of nervousness. Andrew always hears the murmurs their friendship create, and he pities them all for thinking so lightly of his friend. Renee could probably kick all of their asses in close combat if needed. Not that he cares to correct them, Renee can take care of any bad talk about her, if she even pays attention to it.
Andrew shrugs and heads toward the closest door, his car not so far from it. He hears Renee bid the others goodbye, but he doesn’t wait for her, knowing she’ll join him quickly enough. Easily, she falls in a similar rhythm, asking about his class. She has the decency to not look surprised when he doesn’t answer such a boring question.
By the time they are seated and ready to go, Andrew hasn’t decided yet if asking Renee about Neil is a good or a bad idea. They know each other, but there is no saying what his friend would think of such a sudden question.
“Does that Neil guy in my French class have a twin?” Sometimes, just sometimes, he’s weak. Mostly when something gets his attention, which is rarely.
“Neil?” Renee repeats, clearly surprised by the question. “No, I don’t think he does.” She hums and turns to look at him with that same serene smile she usually has. Earlier in their relationship, Andrew had spent time learning how to break it. “Any reason in particular?”
One glance toward her, and Andrew starts the engine, moving out of the parking spot in one fluid motion. “No.”
“Okay.” Renee doesn’t ask more, automatically switching her speech toward the charity causes she wants to join this year.
Andrew doubts she will mention it to Neil.
***
“Why would someone even put the effort in it?” Andrew sighs, rinsing his mouth and the Neil Josten double persona ranting with a large sip of hot chocolate. “Existing is hard enough as it is, and that’s without trying to be two different people.”
Betsy hums, taking a sip of her own beverage. He has been seeing her for the past two years, as part of the program to bring him back to society after juvie. They pay for it, so he can spend it talking about whatever he wants. She’s probably the only person that knows about his short-lived interest in stuff, and they both know it never lasts but it doesn’t hold her from being positive about anything that gets Andrew’s fleeting attention.
“Maybe he thinks he can’t be himself on school grounds. There is a lot of judgment toward that type of clothing and behavior, some people don’t want to deal with it,” Betsy comments. Everything she says is in a questioning tone, because she never assumes something about someone she has never met.
Andrew almost rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t want to give Bee such an obvious reaction. “So a hard-working coward,” he deadpans. Life is much easier when everyone thinks they will get stabbed if they get near you.
“That’s a way of seeing things.” Betsy was the first psychiatrist to not try to shush everything Andrew thought and put it into a conforming box. It might also be why he didn’t leave her office the first time without ever coming back. “Why does it bother you?”
Here it is, the bothersome question. A quick survey of the clock on the wall tells Andrew that he still has 20 minutes left with her, so no way to just completely avoid it. “It doesn’t bother me, I just find it stupid.”
“Perhaps.” By the look on her face, Andrew knows he isn’t done with it. Unwilling to give anything to her, he waits without adding to the conversation. “But why is it important enough for us to talk about today?”
His eyes flicker to the side, irritated by his lack of a clear answer on the matter. It shouldn’t even have stayed in his mind after his class, it shouldn’t be more than a rock under his shoes; annoying for a moment, but brief. “There is a difference between tampering your personality and completely changing it, it’s not just hiding a bit of who you are to have peace, it’s lying from head to toe.”
“And?” She knows it doesn’t end there, because that still doesn’t explain why Andrew hasn’t talked about something else other than Neil Josten in such a meeting.
“And I thought he was boring.” But this isn’t typically dull, this is something more and Andrew doesn’t understand how someone can be beaming a second and have all the light sucked away from them another. There must be a lie somewhere.
Betsy nods, it is rare for Andrew to pick up an interest in people, but it happens sometimes. Usually handsome guys that he blows once or twice and then deem uninteresting afterward. That’s probably why her next question is, “Is he attractive in one persona or another?”
He twists his fingers against his pocket, feeling the cigarette pack in it. Andrew is craving one. “In both, and that’s aggravating.”
***
Andrew lasts two weeks before something snaps inside him and he has to know why Neil Josten is doing this. It would be a lie to say it’s the only thing he thinks about, but it’s the only remotely intriguing one.
Their French teacher is a sucker for team work, as someone choosing to be a teacher usually is, and just announced their new assignment in teams of two. Usually, Andrew can’t bother with anyone other than his brother for a project when he shares a class with him, unwilling to leave their shared apartment for a simple graded piece of crap. Which is why he leaves a very confused Aaron behind when he gets up and goes down some rows to stand beside Neil.
The chosen boy turns his head when he notices someone is unmoving from his spot beside his desk. There is something akin to realisation flashing for a second in his stupidly too blue eyes, and his mouth forms a small O. “Yes, Andrew? Tu veux être en équipe?*” Neil finally asks, tilting his head to the side and against his raised fist. It’s the most casual someone has ever been around him without knowing him first. It makes Andrew frowns.
Without a word, Andrew takes the seat beside the redhead and wonders for a second how to go about it. He votes for being blunt, because there are no reasons for him to try to be friendly first and bring it up later. He doesn’t strive at being friendly, and honestly he just wants to stop thinking about Neil Josten’s double persona thing.
“I saw your social media profiles, how the fuck are you the same guy?” Andrew can hear Nicky reminding him to be smoother with people and apologizing for him. Good thing he isn’t in this class.
Neil doesn’t even have the decency to look surprised by the question, a small smirk setting on his chapped lips. He hums and Andrew can already tell that Bee’s theory isn’t accurate; the guy isn’t shying away at all from being called out. “I shouldn’t bet against Renee about her own friends, of course she would win.”
“She always wins, no matter who it is about.” Renee likes to see the good in people, but she also can tell bullshit from pretty far away. Andrew wonders for a second if Renee outed him in the end, but he comes back to his first assessment; he still doesn’t think so. “How do you know it’s me?”
Neil shrugs and picks up one of his pens to twirl around his fingers. “She said one of her friends might come to me to ask about it, but didn’t say who.” He seems almost amused with his next words. “I said no one would just come up to me to ask directly without talking to me first and she said they probably would. The deadline was in two days.”
Yeah, it’s logical that Neil would put 2 and 2 together; most of Renee’s friends aren’t fans of his relationship with her and are pretty vocal about it. No way Neil doesn’t know they are friends. “So, I’m waiting for my answer.”
The pen stops between Neil’s fingers and he points it at Andrew. Without wanting to, he notices how long his fingers are for someone so short. “And why should I answer it? It’s not like I owe you anything.” Still, he doesn’t look really bothered by the question.
It’s a fair point, and Andrew has no intention to push more if Neil doesn’t want to give him any type of resolution. His interest toward it will fade with time, like everything else anyway. “You don’t have to, but if you don’t intend on answering, stop making me lose my time.”
At that, Neil rolls his eyes and leans back in his chair. “Fine, I’ll answer if you answer one of mine.”
This isn’t what he signed up for, and he can be damned for finding himself more curious because of it. “As you wish.”
For a second, it seems like Neil is impressed by the positive answer. Renee doesn’t talk much about her friends to others, but she might have mentioned how little he tells about himself. It’s not like he wants to play moderator on what she says or not, it’s not his problem, and if people want to come at him, let them get hurt.
Then a thoughtful expression sets on Neil's features and he bites his lower lip. “I guess you can say that both are me? I like to show an extravagant side of myself online or outside of school sometimes, a bit like a performance I guess?”
Andrew frowns and grumbles, “Don’t ask me.”
The way Neil chuckles at this should probably be illegal and Andrew regrets once more how attractive that dude is. “Fair, but yeah. I don’t always want all eyes on me, sometimes it’s just nice to fade in the background and be left in peace. That’s what I prefer here.” He moves his hand around to show the classroom. Just when Andrew comes back on Bee’s theory, Neil adds, “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion. Both are really me, but they don’t want to exist in the same places.”
For some reason, Andrew decides to give Neil the benefit of the doubt. It isn’t exactly what he thought it would be, and he still thinks that’s a lot of changes to undergo for a single person to be, but what does he know? “Fine, what is your question?”
Neil’s smile becomes a bit more genuine when he asks, “So, sommes-nous en équipe?**”
Andrew stares at him for a second too long. He can’t believe Neil fucking Josten is wasting his question on such a trivial thing and looks smug about it. “C’est ta question?***” His accent is thicker, but he knows it’s fine enough to be understandable.
“Yup.” Neil glances toward the back of the classroom, where Aaron still is.
Andrew can feel his stare at the back of his head, probably wondering what the fuck he’s doing, and that’s maybe why he nods and decides, “Sure, why the fuck not.”
***
“I can’t believe you picked your crush over me,” Aaron grumbles, entering their apartment and throwing his bag on the ground to reach the fridge.
Andrew closes and locks the door behind them, not truly paying attention to his twin anymore. The entire ride home has been spent in an uncomfortable silence, and the only reason why Aaron decided to break it is probably because he knows Nicky is home.
As if on cue, his cousin storms out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel around his waist. “Wait, Andrew has a crush?” There is so much hope pooling in his expression that Andrew thinks he might gag on it.
Instead, he settles for reaching the desk they put under the window that never truly closes all the way. “Bold of you both to think I have the capacity to have one.” Andrew gives them a bored glance, before settling down on the desk, snapping the window open, a lit cigarette soon at his lips.
Aaron turns around with a piece of cheese, closing the fridge door strongly enough that it bounces back open. Because of it, Nicky mumbles, “Hey, I paid for that,” not for the first time and certainly not for the last time.
“Well, you suddenly decided to put yourself in a team with a guy you don’t even know. I saw you look at him before.” The bitterness must come from who Aaron had to pair up with after: they all know his partner’s French accent is the worst. Even their teacher needs to make him repeat himself.
Nicky looks surprised, fidgeting where he is, Andrew hopes the towel won’t fall down, because chances are he wouldn’t even pick it up. “Andrew picked up someone else? Really? Is it a big project?”
Spitefully, Aaron pushes the cheese piece in his mouth and almost doesn’t chew it before swallowing. “Yes, for the rest of the fucking semester. You couldn’t pick the guy you’re pinning on for something shorter?”
Andrew finally looks away from his family, favoring the sky instead. He doesn’t answer right away, blowing smoke out of his mouth. “I can blow him, that’s a bonus.” Nicky’s delighted scream is almost worth dealing with when Aaron gags and storms out to go to his bedroom. He can picture the way his brother’s neck is certainly red with embarrassment and disgust.
A glance at Nicky tells him he’s amused by it too. “I wish it was true, but you aren’t really interested in him in another way, right?” His cousin isn’t as good a liar as he wishes he was, his smile is still in place, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Of course not.” Andrew doesn’t have the space to care for this misplaced concern. It’s not because Nicky found someone that made his whole life more colorful that something similar will happen to his cousin.
Andrew isn’t dumb enough to think he needs anything or that anything would ever change the way he is.
It’s wishful thinking and time-consuming. Life is hard enough without adding hope on top of it.
***
The following weeks are uneventful, or at least, it’s what Andrew tells himself. He spends one hour of each French class with Neil working on their project, and they even meet multiple times at the library when Andrew offers to help the other with an English assignment. Sometimes Neil chats the time away, other times they work in silence, and Andrew knows better than to find himself comfortable in whatever this is. To let someone in is a long process for him, not one he likes to repeat or let happen at all in general.
It’s not worth it, and everything in his past has tried to remind him of this. Keep the people around you at an absolute minimum, protect them but do not let them get inside your head. Be there, breath around them, but don’t reach out to them.
Andrew likes to think he’s smart enough to step back when something feels too much like falling. His two feet should stay on the ground at all times; he doesn’t like heights, and this fear should be used efficiently.
And yet, when he notices Neil isn’t there in class, Andrew can’t help but replay the way Neil told him they would see each other today when they left the library last night. The emotion akin to worry that takes up the space in his chest isn’t something he should feel if he kept his distance properly, and he wants to bang his head against the desk under his fingers.
“Where is carrot guy?” Aaron whispers beside him, unwilling to get their teacher’s attention. Ever since his brother chose someone else to be in a team with, Aaron has refused to use Neil’s real name, calling him whatever he can think of. Even when Neil decided to come sit with them from now on, Aaron continued to give him the cold shoulder. It never seems to bother Neil, even amusing him. Andrew can now tell when Neil is annoying on purpose just to antagonize his brother.
Andrew shrugs and glances at his phone dark screen, wouldn’t he like to know where Neil is. He didn’t get any message from him. It would be easy to think the other just slept in and didn’t wake up in time, but Andrew knows for a fact that Neil raises at ungodly hours of the morning to run every day. His assignment partner didn’t seem more tired than usual the previous night, even more talkative than most other times, so he probably isn’t sick.
Plus, he probably would have messaged Andrew to warn him. Something feels wrong, no matter how Andrew tries to view the situation.
Irked by his thoughts, Andrew breaks the pencil he holds in half, earning himself a weird glance from the girl sitting in front of his desk. Neil is just skipping class, it’s no big deal. He wants to do so without telling him? No problem, it shouldn’t even be anything more than cat hairs on his jacket, a minor inconvenience. It’s bothersome because they have to finish the project soon, but nothing more. Nothing that should get under his skin.
Aaron doesn’t seem impressed by Andrew’s silent tantrum and adds, “Well, good riddance, I guess.”
At first, Andrew decides not to react to it, because what is he, twelve? But then annoyance keeps creeping up his back and locking his muscles painfully with the need to move from his chair, so he reaches for his twin’s open pencil case and pushes it off the desk. Most of its content clatters loudly on the floor, spreading and rolling down the class’s stairs.
All eyes turn to them. Mrs. Dupuis stops in the middle of her explanation, and Andrew looks at his brother, completely unbothered. “You might want to be more careful with that.”
Aaron’s ears are turning redder by the second under such scrutiny, and he gets to his feet quickly to pick up his stuff. “You’re fucking ridiculous,” he mutters, moving his hand at their teacher for her to continue.
It doesn’t deserve a reply, but Andrew thinks he might be, in fact, ridiculous.
***
It isn’t a surprise to find Renee sitting with Nicky and Kevin at the cafeteria when they reach them. Aaron almost pushes Andrew out of the way and picks a seat beside Nicky, their cousin sliding a plate of food toward him. He gives Andrew a questioning look, but the latter doesn’t feel the need to explain.
“Hello, Andrew,” Renee greets him when he takes place in front of her and beside Kevin. Andrew doesn’t have an appointment with Betsy today, so he has some hours to kill before his evening class. He could go back home and try to work on some of his papers, or he could ask Renee if she has some time to spare. That would be good for his tense nerves.
Instead when he notices no new messages in his inbox, he inquires, “Do you know where Neil lives?” At that point, Andrew isn’t sure what he’s doing.
His friend is silent for a minute, then slowly she nods and her easy smile comes back on her lips. “Yes, I do. Wasn’t he in your class this morning?”
It’s Aaron that answers from his place, clearly displeased. “No, he wasn’t there and this guy,” he points Andrew with his thumb, “threw a stupid fit.” Aaron had kept his pencil case in his backpack after the incident, ignoring his brother until now.
“It’s not because you’re my brother that I won’t stab you, so you might want to shut up,” Andrew says lazily, barely glancing at Aaron. It’s an empty treat, but Nicky still throws his hands between them with an awkward smile, and tries to pull Aaron back in their conversation, leaving Andrew to Renee.
She gets the cue easily and puts a hand beside Andrew’s own to get his attention. “I can give it to you. I don’t think Neil would mind.” She picks up a floral notebook with a pen from her bag and scribbles the address on it. “Are you heading there now?” Renee tears the page and hands it to him without hesitation.
“Yes, I can drop you home.” It’s quite obvious what Renee wants, and she smirks at being so easy to read for how often she asks him. Andrew gets up and heads outside, Renee at his side, and he tries not to wonder about Neil’s reaction when he reaches his place.
Everything in time.
***
It takes more than a minute for Neil to answer his door, but Andrew waits patiently, hearing some fumbling on the other side. When the door opens, the guy looks like complete shit.
“Andrew?” Neil asks, visibly surprised to see him there. It’s soon replaced by a grimace, and guilt flickers on his features. He doesn’t seem to know what to do, which gives Andrew some time to assess the man.
Neil has bloody scratches on his left cheek, bruises blossoming on it, and his lower lip is split in two different places. When he moves to let Andrew enter, it’s obvious that he’s trying not to put too much weight on his right foot. Something really has happened, it seems.
Andrew enters the apartment and slides an arm around Neil’s waist to help him balance his weight. The latter hisses a bit. “Your hand is on a sore spot, but it’s fine,” Neil explains, and Andrew moves it down, allowing him to untense.
They close the door and Andrew brings the other to his couch. When Neil is settled down, Andrew crosses his arms on his chest. “What happened?” At Neil’s hesitation, Andrew adds, “Don’t lie.”
It gets him a huff in exchange and Neil rolls his eyes. “I got hit by a car, but it wasn’t going really fast, it’s the ground that decided to be an ass.” He moves his hand around his swollen cheek and then his foot. “There was a cat in the street, and it was hurt, and that guy was texting, so I tried to get the cat, but he didn’t see me until he couldn’t fully stop.” A new type of anger shows itself in the blue of Neil’s eyes, but it’s soon replaced by exhaustion. “I’m fine, really. It’s nothing. Why are you here?”
Andrew thinks Neil might have a fucked up definition of what being fine means, but so does he, therefore he doesn’t call Neil’s bullshit out on the matter. “You weren’t answering your phone.”
“Ah.” The injured guy seems defeated and he pulls his device from his pocket; the glass is completely shattered. “I fell on it.” He closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath and leaning his head back against the couch. This is surely a bad time to notice Neil’s nice clothes. He’s wearing a loose buttoned shirt, half tucked in a pair of ripped skinny jeans. The collar is open enough to show off some of Neil’s chest and scars. It’s closer to the social media persona. “Fuck, today sucks,” Neil adds with a shaky breath.
This shouldn’t get to Andrew, yet his heart beats faster and he suddenly feels the intense need to find back the guy who hurt Neil and beat him to a pulp. Before he can say anything, the tiniest meow comes from the corner of Neil’s living room. His head snaps toward the noise and, sure enough, there is a tiny cat head peeking out from under a jacket.
“Ah, yes. I couldn’t leave the cat there.” To be quite frank, Neil looks quite overwhelmed.
Alright. “Let me get a look at your injuries, then we can deal with the cat and your phone.” Andrew waits for Neil to protest, but then he’s only met with confusion, so he nods and finds the bathroom to pick up some first aid supplies. When Neil catches up, he guides Andrew through his bathroom from his place on the couch.
Soon enough, Andrew is on his knees, on the floor in front of Neil. The swollen and bruised ankle doesn’t look good, and from experience Andrew can already tell it will need a cast. “It’s busted, either a fracture or a sprain.” If Neil is lucky it will be the latter, and he can go back to running and dancing earlier than later.
As if to protest, Neil tries to move his foot, and groans as a result, which earns him an unimpressed glare from Andrew. Then he moves to Neil’s cheek. It’s an awkward position, and he has to keep his eyes off his improvised patient’s lips. It must be painful, but Neil doesn’t complain and just stares into the void. Andrew doesn’t like to see that type of emptiness in his eyes, he decides, because he knows too well how it feels.
When he’s done he leans back, ignoring the fast pace of his heart. He’s so fucked. Hopefully Neil didn’t notice. “Fine, we should get you to the hospital.”
This is enough to bring the injured man back to life. “What? No, it’s fine, we don’t need to, I’ll just ice my ankle and… and…” Whatever Neil sees on Andrew’s face, it seems to be working, because he falters and sighs heavily. “It’s so stupid.”
“Maybe next time you won’t throw yourself in front of a moving car.” Everything is back in his hands and he gets up to bring the items back to the bathroom. “It helps with not getting hurt.”
“You’re such an asshole,” Neil calls behind him, as if Andrew didn’t just patch him up.
When he gets back, Andrew sighs and heads for the jacket. The cat is unmoving under it. It’s clearly shaken, and when he moves the piece of clothing and picks it up slowly, the cat doesn’t protest more than with a tiny meow. There is an open gash on its right side, so Andrew avoids it with his fingers.
Neil moves enough to be sitting at the edge of the couch now, trying his best to get up without hurting himself more. If it wasn’t for running or dancing, Andrew is certain that his pride would take over and he would do his best to walk normally and hide his pain. “What should we do with it?” Neil asks, unsure, as if Andrew now has all the answers.
Fortunately for the guy, Andrew likes being in control, so he doesn’t complain.
The blond man leans forward and picks up the jacket to wrap it around the animal. It doesn’t complain when he does so, which makes him wonder if the open wound is infected; the cat is too lethargic for an injured animal. “Probably the vet. We can drop it there and bring you to the hospital.” He shivers at the thought of the cat in his car and on his seats, but he swallows it back. “I’m going to put it in the car, I’m coming back.”
Neil finally manages to get to his feet, his shoulders untensing in defeat. “Okay, I’m waiting.”
***
It takes hours for the two of them to get back to Neil’s place, and by that time Andrew has missed half of his evening class, so he gives up on it.
They left the cat in the care of the veterinary clinic near the university; they decided to keep her (as the cat turned out to be a female) for the night to control the infection. They can come back the next day, and meanwhile Neil has to decide if he wants to keep her or leave her up for adoption since she doesn't have a chip.
The hospital was awful for the two of them. As clearly indicated by Neil's disrespect toward any doctor they met, he doesn’t seem to appreciate them in the first place. Not that Andrew does either, but the distrust in Neil’s eyes was a sight to see.
“I said at least five times already that the guy in the car suddenly left ok, I don’t fucking know who it is, I was on the damn ground. Can’t you guys write it down somewhere so I can stop repeating? And also, let’s just focus on the injuries from now on, fine? I’d like to get into bed before tomorrow morning.”
"Seriously, that's why I don't come to the ER. You guys just fucking ask so many questions, your job is to help the injured, I'm not here for a damn interview."
As expected, his injured ankle ends up in a small cast for the next three weeks, and Neil is moody about it, giving Andrew the silent treatment. Not that he actually cares. At least that way, Neil won’t bust out his leg completely because he decided to be a stubborn ass and ignore the sprain.
Going up to Neil’s second floor is a challenge in itself with the clutches, but Andrew keeps a steady hand on his back. Even when he gets glared at for helping out.
Finally, the door is unlocked, and Neil clumsily makes his way in his apartment. He sighs heavily with relief when he finally sits down on a kitchen chair and closes his eyes for a minute. Andrew doesn’t interrupt, resting against the closed door.
From his spot, he can finally observe Neil fully. Even with the injury on his cheek, the guy is handsome. The feeling of his skin under his fingers comes back vividly to his mind and Andrew has to close his hands at the need to touch it again.
He can’t believe he spent the day taking care of that catastrophe of a human. He seriously isn’t as smart as he thought he was. The floor under his feet isn’t steady anymore and Andrew might get height fright.
“I’m going,” he finally announces after a few minutes.
Neil’s eyes snap open and his mouth opens and closes again, as if he doesn’t know what to say. “Thanks, I probably wouldn’t have asked for help.” Whatever he thinks next makes him frown, but he shakes the idea away.
“That’s because you’re an idiot.” Andrew opens the door, and turns around only to add, “I’ll come back near lunch tomorrow, we’ll go for the cat and your phone.”
It takes a few seconds, but Neil frowns even more. “You’re going to help more?”
“Problem?” If Neil wants to go around without a car in clutches, he won’t hold him back. Maybe Matt, his roommate, could help him, though.
“No, no. None. See you tomorrow.” Neil nods and gives Andrew his first grin of the day.
It’s tired yet sincere, and Andrew might want to save it in his brain forever. Without wasting time he closes the door, putting one foot in front of the other to walk to his car. Once the car door is closed after him, he sits there in silence for a few minutes.
Regrets are stupid and serves no purpose whatsoever. So now he has to decide if it’s worth going forward or stopping everything.
Finally, the engine roars to life and Andrew raises the music volume up until he can’t think anymore.
He will decide tomorrow.
***
It’s a bit past 11 pm, Andrew has been back for the past 2 hours, and Nicky insisted on watching a movie with him.
They are halfway through it when his cell phone comes to life with a call. It’s from an unknown number, which he usually ignores, but Aaron is still out, so Andrew picks up just to be sure. “Yes?”
It’s silent on the other line, and Nicky pauses their movie, watching him curiously.
“Andrew?”
Points to the fucker for managing to surprise him again and again. “You’re aware that we spent the day together? Which phone are you using?” He doesn’t say a name yet, disappointment clear on his cousin’s face.
“Oh.” There is some fumbling before the answer. “I’m using Matt’s one, I asked Renee for your number since I couldn’t access it. You know, with my busted phone.”
Andrew hums, and waits for Neil to explain the reason for his call. When it doesn’t come he presses, “Yes, Neil?” With a single glare, Nicky closes his mouth and with it whatever he was about to say.
“Ah, yeah. Should I keep the cat?” It’s the first time Andrew hears Neil sound so unsure.
What is this question even? Couldn’t he ask his roommate? “I don’t know, do you want to keep her?” This sounds way milder than what Andrew thought it should sound like.
“Yes? No? I don’t know how to care for anything alive," Neil complains, the frustration easily distinguishable in his words. “I want to keep her, because you know I saved her and she slept on me in your car and purred even if she was hurt? It’s like she trusted me anyway, and…”
Andrew waits for more, and when he’s sure Neil is at a loss for words he sighs. “There are books and the Internet to learn how to take care of a cat, idiot. If you want her and think you can handle the commitment, you should be fine.”
There are more fumbles on the other end and finally Neil gives him a weak laugh. “You’re right, I think I’m tired.” Which would be logical considering he got hit by a car and had to go many places all day, but Andrew doesn’t mention it. “What about her name?”
“What about her name?” Andrew asks back, clearly not the person who cares enough to find a name for an animal.
“Oh. Oh.” Nicky says excitedly, waving his hand. “I can help with names! Come on Andrew, let me help your friend!”
Andrew gives him a skeptical look, but honestly he doesn’t want this on him, even if he’s aware any suggestion coming from his cousin will be utter nonsense. He mutes Neil complaining about his lack of cooperation as he decides if it’s okay and then sighs. “Fine, Nicky wants to help you. I’ll ask him for a list okay?”
“Yes! That’s good, yeah,” Neil answers, clearly relieved by the help. Maybe Andrew will read some stuff about cats after all.
“So, everything’s okay?” To be honest, he doesn’t mind talking to Neil, yet he’s unsure as to why he got chosen for Neil’s mental breakdown on the cat over his roommate or why Neil went that far just to be able to call him before getting a new phone the next day.
“Yes.” Neil’s shy smile is easy to hear, and Andrew hates the way his heart reacts to it. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“That’s the plan.”
***
They both sit on the couch and observe King Fluffkins explore her new surroundings. The name is atrocious, and yet Neil couldn’t help but come back to it, probably already imagining how his friends would react to it. Fucking troublemaker.
From what Andrew gathered, she’s only 1 year old, and reacted really well to the antibiotics. This left them with a much more energetic cat even if she isn’t running yet. She seems to be curious about anything from the noise under the fridge to the dust bunnies under the kitchen table.
Neil is having fun relating a commentary of the whole thing, and Andrew doesn’t mind listening to how idiotic it sounds because of the way Neil's smile illuminates his whole face.
“Number 10 found the dust bunny! Will she touch it or not? Will she even dare to sniff it? Oh my god.” Neil laughs and points at the caramel fur ball. “She just sneezed in it and got scared of it.”
Andrew can see all of it, but he lets Neil lean against him as he laughs and comments on more. After a little while, Andrew gets up and picks up King to bring her on Neil’s thighs. The latter seems to melt the second she falls asleep there and purrs away at the careful petting.
Andrew will never admit how long he stares at Neil’s profile instead of the animal.
“I have an outing this weekend, with my friends.” Suddenly, Neil looks a tad more nervous, but he hides it well, as usual. Andrew is just used to liars. “Want to come? We’re going to a club outside the city on Saturday. Renee will be there too.”
This would sound like something Andrew might enjoy, if it wasn’t for the ‘meeting new people’ part. With a quick scan of Neil’s face, he finds himself unsteady in the face of hope, and the words are out of his mouth before he can register them. “Sure, seems okay.”
Both his feet are off the roof at this point, and Andrew doesn’t know how to stop the fall.
***
The evening would be weird if Andrew didn’t have the useful ability to not care about people in general. Dan and Matt settle on giving him some weird glances, but Allison gets more vocal about it.
“So what? First Renee, now you?” She asks Neil as she gives a disgruntled look in Andrew’s direction, which he doesn’t even give back, too busy smoking before entering the club. “Does he even have emotions?”
“He can hear you, you know.” Neil doesn’t seem impressed by Allison's lack of tack whatsoever. With his clutches, he could easily look out of place, but his clothes make up for it. The black shirt he’s in is pretty translucent, giving Andrew a nice view to focus on. He has himself spent an embarrassing amount of time finding something flattering to wear.
Allison crosses her arms, clearly unphased by this comment. “Yeah, and he’s not reacting at all, which kind of proves my point.”
“Because not everybody needs to be a bitch and get into your game,” Neil deadpans, clearly done with his friend’s insensitive words toward Andrew. Not that he minds, really, she can have her little war alone for all he cares. Plus, Neil bad mouthing someone is always entertaining.
Dan hides her mouth with her hand, muffling a laugh with it, to the amusement of her boyfriend. This only seems to annoy Allison further, she clicks her tongue and opens her mouth, but Renee finally decides to step in.
“Neil is a bit rude, but he’s right.” Andrew wants to roll his eyes at her serene smile and forever need to make things alright. “Let’s all get along, okay?”
Andrew doubts he’ll get along with any of them, but not talking to them is an option he’s ready to try if this means he can spend more time with Neil. As an answer, Allison glares one last time at the short man and covers Renee’s shoulders with her arm to bring them to the club door. Dan and Matt don’t wait longer to follow them, claiming to go get them a table meanwhile. Seems like it’s settled for now.
One last drag of his cigarette and he crushes it under his foot, finally giving Neil his attention. The latter doesn’t look bothered by the bumpy start to the evening, leaning lazily on his clutches. “I don’t think she’s your biggest fan.”
“Wouldn’t have guessed, I’m not hers either.” Andrew doesn’t think it’s necessary to lie to Neil, not that he would have anyway.
The corner of Neil’s lips twitches slightly in amusement. He then makes his way to the entrance, and Andrew follows closely. The contrasting lights and loud music are overwhelming for a second. It’s a busy night, bodies against bodies everywhere. Navigating it is hard enough on a regular night, but making way for Neil with his handicap is precarious. They manage to reach Neil’s friends unscattered, which is obviously his current limit as he crashes in one of the chairs, groaning, “Bloody hell.”
At the foreign expression, Andrew can’t help raising an eyebrow as he takes the seat between Renee and Neil. Matt must pick up on it, because he laughs, patting Neil’s back. “His mother is British, she had all these weird expressions, and our friend here uses them when he’s tired or too pissed off.”
In retaliation, Neil bats Matt’s hand away and the look he gives the dance floor is full of longing. It might be a long night for him, close yet so far from something he loves doing. It’s not something Andrew can understand; he does his best to stay away from the dance floor as much as he can.
Renee gets all of their orders and heads to the bar with Andrew. They chat lightly as much as they can with the loud music and he brings back the tray of booze while she carries two cans of soda. The tray stays with ease in his practiced hand, reminiscence of all the nights he helped at Nicky’s job.
The others have the decency to look mildly impressed by it, but Andrew only pays Neil attention when he says, “If it was me, half of it would be on the ground.”
“Probably all of it would be on the ground.” Andrew sits as he puts the tray on the table, it’s the first words he has said in front of the others since they’ve met, and Dan has to elbow Matt in the ribs for him to shut up.
Neil fakes to be oblivious of it, or maybe he just doesn’t care, as he leans into Andrew’s personal space to grab the soda Renee has for him. “You know what, fair enough.” He gives Andrew one of these tiny smiles before settling back in his own space.
Andrew totally doesn’t drink one of the whiskey shots to cleanse the taste it leaves in his mouth.
After a few rounds, Dan, Matt and Allison get up to go dance, and Neil looks close to a full on pout as they leave him behind. More sympathetic than Andrew, Renee leans toward Neil and pats his hand in silent support. “You’ll be able to dance again soon if you take care of your sprain well.”
“Yes, I know, I’m fine,” Neil answers, his eyes still glued to the dance floor and his friends disappearing in the crowd. It’s not something Andrew would understand, such longing, he doesn’t like anything enough and everything he does is for surviving on a general basis. And yet, it suddenly bothers him to see the other like this; it reminds him of the empty stare Neil had two days ago. It’s not something he wants to see again.
Renee and Andrew manage to bring the dancer’s attention to other stuff, chatting lightly about why they are friends or what they would do if the end of the world came to them at this exact moment.
Nevertheless, Neil’s eyes keep flickering to the mass of dancing bodies, losing track of their conversation from time to time. It’s unnerving in a way, to see someone want something so much without being able to reach for it.
It might be why Andrew gets tired of it pretty quickly, getting up and silencing his own thoughts and limits in the process. “Come on, I’ll help you. It’s pathetic,” he announces, presenting Neil his hand. Renee won’t mind being alone for half an hour, and she smiles approvingly when he glances her way.
The injured man stares at him in confusion for a few seconds before his thoughts catch up to Andrew’s intention. “Wait, really? But you said you wouldn’t dance.” Neil frowns, clearly unsure and unwilling to grab Andrew’s hand.
“Changed my mind, it’s a limited offer though. Tick tock.” If Neil doesn’t decide quickly enough, Andrew will lose all of his steam and sit back down for the rest of the night. His warning is highly efficient; the other grabs his hand quickly and helps himself up with only one of the clutches.
Neil doesn’t pick up the other one as they make their way to the dance floor, Andrew bracing himself for other people’s bodies in his own space. It’s awkward to get to the right place and keep Neil safe from hurting himself, but they manage to find a spot near the wall and the dancer just seems content trying to dance like this.
They don’t talk, only exchanging meaningful stares, and soon enough Andrew’s hands are on his hips. Both helping with Neil’s balance and keeping him close.
To be quite frank, Andrew is unsure how long they stay there, wasting the night away, dancing against each other. It’s unnatural for him, but he soon finds a pace with Neil so close and so demanding. The feeling is intoxicating, and Andrew finds himself wanting more of this.
If someone asked him what yearning was in the morning, he would have told them to look it up in the dictionary. But now, at this exact moment, Andrew thinks he knows what yearning for something more is.
It’s frightening, it’s losing his footing, it’s falling, and when Neil laughs in delight, getting slightly closer, just happy to be able to dance messily with him, Andrew thinks it might be fine.
They will be fine.
***
They don’t talk about that night, however, it doesn’t mean they ignore it completely. Consequently, Neil gets in Andrew’s space more and more; when he reaches for a pen on Andrew’s desk in class, when they watch a movie one night and Neil almost falls asleep against him, or when Neil complains he doesn’t want the clutches anymore so he leans against Andrew’s shoulder instead.
It’s easier than he thought it would be, so Andrew doesn’t stop it. He learns to be fine with Neil’s presence against him, and when he moves away, the other doesn’t mind and doesn’t reach back until he thinks it’s fine.
They spend more time together without using the excuse of schoolwork, and when Andrew goes to Neil’s apartment, the latter always calls the cat to them by saying, “King, daddy Andrew is here.” To be honest, the blond man isn’t sure what is worse; the domestic nickname or the fact that Fluffkins does run to him with a cute thrill each time.
It gets comfortable, enough so that Andrew ends up, three weeks later, at an amusement park with Neil’s gang, and he has no idea what he’s doing there. This place is a nightmare in every perspective for someone who’s afraid of heights, and yet he didn’t say no when the other asked.
Neil is wearing an oversized yellow sweatshirt with some black skinny jeans, and the color is a sinful contrast with his eyes and hair. It’s honestly the only reason coming out today is worth it. And Andrew is weak enough that Neil manages to bring him in one of the roller coasters. He feels like he might die right at the moment they start the ascent. He hates himself for a full minute, before the redhead leans forward to stare at his face.
“What?” Andrew snaps, unable to sound polite when his heart might rip out of his chest. They are surely dying now.
“Oh, shit, are you afraid of heights?” Neil sounds genuinely surprised, eyes round. Andrew doesn’t get how the fuck this dumbass manages to lean forward like this against the restrain locks while he’s frozen in his own seat.
As an answer, Andrew grabs Neil’s hand and places it against his neck. His pulse is going crazy, and Neil doesn’t miss it. “You are.” They are soon at the end of the ascent, and Andrew brings back both of his hands on the safety lock, hating himself for being attracted to stupid boys.
“Shut up, fucking place yourself properly.” It’s stress-inducing to see Neil in an unsafe position when they are going to go at high speed in the air. Neil snorts and places himself back, but he lets one of his hands wander against Andrew’s. It shouldn’t be reassuring, but it is, and Andrew hates himself a bit more.
After discovering his not-so-secret secret, Neil doesn’t bring Andrew into any other attractions, except if Andrew follows him first. Renee stays with him after a little while, claiming she prefers quiet places, and meanwhile the others are running everywhere. Allison refuses to do some of the aquatic attractions, claiming her makeup isn’t cheap, but else the others get in and on everything they can.
The way Neil seems exactly where he needs to be, stopping them to film a dance video for TikTok when he thinks he has the perfect setting, gets to Andrew in many ways. He’s teasing, cocky and shy all at once, smiling easily when everyone is looking at him and peaceful or thoughtful when he thinks no one is, in fact, paying him attention.
Andrew thinks he might finally put the Neil double persona problem behind him, understanding both more than he thought he would. Now that it’s settled, Neil shouldn’t be interesting anymore; this is the moment when Andrew should take a step back and realizes this was only a pipe dream. And yet, yet the interest isn't fading one bit as he yearns for more and to discover more.
It feels like forever, but dinner finally comes around and they all search an overpriced place where to eat something. Neil finds himself walking beside Andrew, looking much happier now that he doesn’t have a cast on anymore. The sun is setting down slowly, shining its way through the trees and Neil’s auburn hair.
When they finally find a fast-food, Andrew has been craving a cigarette for hours. Without even asking, Neil tells them to go before them, and they set forward to find a smoking space. The one they decide on is intimate, near one of the fake lakes and between trees.
They don’t talk as Andrew lights up two cigarettes one for himself, giving the other to Neil. He doesn’t know why Neil likes them, but he doesn’t mind, he can discover it later. Minutes go by, until they are facing each other.
“I know I’m pretty blind on the matter, Allison keeps reminding me, but…” Neil begins, looking unsure for only a second, before he takes a step toward Andrew. “Don’t you want to kiss me?”
It doesn’t come as a shock to Andrew; they have been dancing around each other for weeks now. However, he’s pretty impressed that Neil is the first one to ask. “Yes, I do.” No point in lying now, he hasn’t tried to be subtle.
Neil bites his lower lip and nods, taking a step closer. “Then I would like you to.”
Andrew glances at his lips, slightly red from the recent bite. “Okay.” Carefully, he grabs Neil’s neck and brings him forward, until their mouths meet. It tastes like cotton candy and nicotine, but Andrew isn’t complaining, deepening the kiss with want.
Minutes pass by before they break the kiss, both slightly out of breath. Neil grabs Andrew’s shirt and presses their foreheads together for a moment, chuckling when the situation hits him. “Wanna come home after? Matt is going to Dan’s.”
It still feels like falling, but perhaps, Neil has been waiting all along down there to catch him.
“Yeah, sounds good.”
Andrew leans once more for a single peck, before they head back to the others.